7 Types of Dudes Who Annoy Everyone Just By Their Very Existence
Know when people say, "Just be yourself"? Well, don't.
January 30, 2013 - 7:00 am
3) Trolls
Is it unfair to include trolls on this list because they spend their time aggravating people online instead of out in the real world? Not really, because let’s face it, they’d be just as annoying if they weren’t shut-ins who can’t relate to anyone face-to-face. And don’t delude yourself: There are no likable, psychologically healthy “cool” guys who spend hours every day insulting random people on the Internet for the “lulz.” These are maladjusted, unhappy human beings who should probably be trying to find a way to cope with the fact that their mothers didn’t love them enough and that they’re on the Internet working through their anger and self-worth issues by taking perverse satisfaction in being cruel to strangers.
#8. The list guy. ‘Nuff said.
Sounds like some of the descriptions on this list are hitting a little too close to home for someone.
#9. The ’nuff said’ guy is by far THE most irritating of them all…
I found #1 and #7 overlap. Gawd, I hate wimpy fricking men. I’ve found good women loathe wimpy “dudes” too – though some try to be nice about it and hide their loathing. I think good women prefer Dirty Harry to Phil Donahue.
If I thought I could get away with it, I’d turn a few of these beta types from roosters into hens.
I giggled all the way through this, until I realized I’m dangerously close to becoming an internet troll. Maybe I am one. I actually enjoy insulting Leftists hours upon a time. Cut me a little slack, though. I don’t need the internet to insult. I’ll happily mock Leftists in the real world too.
Obviously, I have a saint for wife whose first name is Tolerance. But then she liked the Dirty Harry movies.
A friend of mine put it this way.
Given the choice between a banker and a bank robber ninety per cent of women will choose the bank robber.
What’s ironic about this is that if you actually could transform them into hens, they’d be happier. A woman can be a tomboy, and not that many people complain, but a guy can never, ever show weakness or femininity, or the unmanly knives come out. It can be a heavy burden, and especially if you are like troll guy, where manliness is all stick and no carrot. They’ll just find something else to beat him with, even if he installs a gun rack on his newly bought pickup and reads Dashiel Hammett instead of getting into flamewars about which distro of linux is superior.
Taking it the way you took it, it’s not ironic at all. Most beta or effeminate men really WOULD prefer to be women, if they could actually genetically be women.
But I’m pretty sure that’s not what he meant. I’m fairly sure he meant something a bit more sinister.
Yes, but I was being charitable. I can’t stand the whole alpha-male worship thing: if I’d place myself in manosphere terms, I’m a MGTOW disgusted with the entire concept, without the misogyny (or trying to resist it, at least.) Better to watch My Little Pony and accept your own likes than to try to fake a status in order to get societal approval.
Well, if you’re really going your own way, then you should be the first to acknowledge, I’m going my own way too. When you make that kind of blanket statement, it’s not much different than moral relativism and we can all pretend to have our own truth on our own path.
I loathe emasculated males who support the misandrists in the thought they might find a pack to fit in.
Oh, thank the Lord that SOMEONE finally spoke up and mentioned #2.
I’ve actually known guys who after watching that show COMPLETELY UNIRONICALLY decided they were now M->F Transsexuals and started looking into “transitioning” as soon as they could.
It’s pretty much the ultimate crystalization of being conditioned by their schools and by hollywood that to be male is to be evil, and that the highest thing they can aspire to be is a woman. The “Men are Useless” narrative distilled to its most easily digested form.
Of course, #1 and #7 also fit into the “Swallowed up by the ‘Men are Useless’ Narrative” description, too.
You should really have Dr. Helen weigh in on this, John.
guys?
are you serious? like guys over the age of 14? my high school daughters tell me about these kids who watch this show and I thought THAt was creepy, for this phenomenon to be apparent in the so called ‘adult’ world is just grotesque.
Where’s an asteroid when you need one?
Oh, it gets worse. The most extreme of them I knew went around claiming that anybody who didn’t watch the show was both Misogynist AND Transphobic, and would whine at moderators on message boards claiming that he (though now he wanted to be known as a she) was being bullied and oppressed if someone said they didn’t like or watch freaking My Little Pony.
….and mind you, this was on a forum dedicated to _Pro Wrestling_.
LMAO! Well… if there were bronies in a pro-wrestling forum, I have the diagnostic: they were actually trolls.
I have to admit I had never heard of them before I read this article. Amazing what you can learn on the Internet.
Four minutes in, everything will be revealed…..’>………
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBBlleCxV54
What the heck did I just watch? People watch that for the full 10min and don’t flip out? I made it 1:43 and realized I wanted to start doing crack.
Confession: I know how to braid women’s hair. I used to do French braids but I’ve forgotten how. Whether this activity is man-worthy depends on the woman involved and how grateful she is for having her hair braided.
It also depends upon what the grateful might turn into????
This.
“I got laid by braiding her hair,” said no man ever.
I too can braid hair. I learned from my mother as a courtesy to my daughter who loved having a braided pony tail or pig tails depending on her mood – but had an absent mother. I took on the task of raising my 4 year old daughter when my wife decided it was too daunting a task. You cannot imagine how many women were attracted to me just because of this. That was a time in my life I would not trade for anything – but not for the women that were attracted to me – although I didn’t mind that either!
My ex is still trying to catch up with our daughter’s life – and trying to earn her trust. Its tough to regain something you’ve let go of.
I too can braid hair, as I have three daughters and no sons, and wouldn’t trade the trust that I’ve established with them for anything.
Unfortunately, I am also an RN, so I work with A LOT of so-called men in #1 & #7s on the list. As stated previously, most of the women I work with respect a manly man more than an effimate one. Also, for those of us who do man up, we seem to get promoted more readily than others, and we tend to be the problem solvers for the work centers.
You might include p-whipped “yes” men as a #8, but that is very close to #7.
The only men who can braid hair are Spartans. And they braid their own hair.
If you are as tough as they were, then who is going to laugh at that?
#8
Un-manly styles:
1. Short hair with the very front gelled up into a little vertical quiff – just like Pee Wee Herman!
2. Full beard without a moustache (unless you’re Amish).
3. Beard groomed into a thin, razor-sharp line along your jaw.
4. The following ensemble: a baseball hat worn backward or sideways; a t-shirt; long, baggy, basketball shorts; white socks; slide sandals.
5. Any combination of the above.
#3 – or any facial hairstyles that seem to be inspired by Joan Crawford’s eyebrows
#4 – subtract points if the t-shirt is a wife-beater or the socks are any color other than white
A “Soul Patch.”
Unless you’re Frank Zappa!
This is known as the Frank Zappa Exemption. It only applies to Frank Zappa, however.
…who is dead, of course.
I’m glad you mentioned baseball caps. May I add the morons who wear them two sizes too big, flat-brimmed with all the stickers and tags in place (I guess so they’re easier to ship lift).
I love MLB caps, and I have quite a collection. When I actually wear one, I take perverse pleasure in buying ones that fit, removing every sticker and tag, bending the bill, and wearing them the right way round on my head.
The comedians Key & Peele have a skit about this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5ZM0-f5_CU
#3 is known as a pencil beard. It is a tip that the guy is ghetto or wannabe ghetto.
Today, dorks rule. We have dork hair, dork clothes, dork shoes, dork jewelry, dork everything. We may laugh at 70s fashions – flared jeans, tight shirts, feathered hair – but at least they were trying. The 80s? Preppie gear, sports jackets with the sleeves pushed up, moussed hair. But they were trying. Then came the 90s. Young male adults had two choices: grunge or ghetto. Thankfully, grunge came and went. What we’re left with is ghetto. And let’s face it: ghetto looks dorky, especially on white guys. It looks like they’re NOT trying.
I wonder how women keep from laughing. I wonder why they put up with it. Or is there some disconnect between youngmen and young women today that I’m not aware of? Do they not care how they look to each other?
You think the guy in 3 really was trolling on the internet circa 1986 with an XT?
He has become rather iconic though. I wonder who he is.
The panelling alone tells you he is probably living in someone’s basement rec room, that hasn’t been upgraded since the Brady Bunch went off the air. Maybe #3 should be internet troll/mama’s boy.
In the old USENET fays, he was called BIFF. He used capital letters only (actually the early home computers charged an extra $100 for lower-case) and wrote in a stype that would later be “cool” when the normal kids got into text-messaging.
Generally I assume the left-wing kool-aid drinkers are in high school or college. If they aren’t the nasty kind, sometimes you can get through that way.
The picture is of Jerry Pournelle. SF author, BYTE columnist, and numerous other things.
what a bunch of good christians!
i hope you all have your dicks ripped off and fed to starving children.
I think Pinkie Pie said that. Fourth episode, third season………
A true monster is a type of person who wishes to make young children put their mouth around male genitals.
Probably the only starving children interested in eating bitten off dicks would be the starving children of Marx (Karl not Groucho). They are starving for validation that they’re more than the chicken chested Susie Nipple Ta Ta grey headed pony-tailed loser they see in the mirror.
I don’t think the starving children would find that very much of a meal.
Besides, you think Jesus never looked at a well dressed woman and muttered “nice a$$” under his breath? What with hanging with Mary Magdalene and all?
I need to be very careful to never be within arms length of a #1 as I have a clean record.
Listing him #1 is the right place, though listing him as #2 might have been an appropriate metaphor.
Finally, an article where I don’t have that tinge of guilt that I have a less extreme version of the objectionable, annoying characteristic. I have no idea what 2 is and don’t want to know.
Except No. 6, Mr. Contrarian. It’s a kind of reflex in conversation. I think it was the thing I came up with when I stopped trying to be sarcastic. I know it’s annoying.
I work very hard to not be #6 – though I frequently slip.
When in the company of leftists, however, I’m letting it fly.
When in the company of lefists, your not “contrarian”, your simply “truthful”
Its just that everything they say actually IS wrong…
And thats not our fault, is it?
Any of you noticed how a huge percentage of male Democrats and liberals fall into category 1 or 7?
For the ones who don’t, I often wonder why they’d voluntarily associate themselves with a bunch of beta-male, effeminate losers.
They seek dominance. As per Parkinson’s Law of Multiplication;
No matter how “egalitarian” they claim to be, “progressives” are some of the most caste-ridden, class-conscious people you will ever meet. “Do you know who I am?” is a line you will rarely hear from anyone who does not self-identify as part of the self-defined “enlightened intellectual elite’”.
A group which is notably lacking in non-progressives.
clear ether
eon
Alas, no one has ever said that to me. The proper resonse is, “No, but I know what you are?”
I’m a pudgy aging blond, so if that ever happens to me, I’ll get to be all motherly and pretend I think he has Alzheimer’s.
I think it’s pretty clear, if you’re a pussy, pansy, or coward you’re naturally a Democrat. But not all Democrats are pussies. It’s kind of the square and rectangle thing.
As someone who knows to many fake gangsters running around I find it very necessary to point out how annoying it is to see someone regurgitating the nonsense that “Real gangsters wear suits.” Bollocks! Those supposedly “REAL” gangsters killed four rival gang members in the St. Valentines Day massacre and it made the World Book ,while the soulless baggy pants wearers sell crack to kids and regularly go much harder than that. While I would definitely prefer to live in a society in which gangsters wear suits, the truth of the matter is the baggy pants wearers ave the suit wearers beat in pure cussedness… Which I suppose is what this is all about
I’m all in favor of modern-day gang-bangers wearing their pants pulled down and their ball caps turned around backwards.
They can’t run very fast with their pants’ crotch halfway to their knees. And without the bill keeping the sun out of their eyes, they can’t see as well as a uniformed officer with his cover in its proper position.
All of which makes law enforcement’s job of dealing with them a bit easier.
As Nelson said before Trafalgar,
cheers
eon
I was recovering skip-bails (bail bond) when the phenomenon of purposely un-tied sneaker shoelaces was quite vogue among a certain class of gentlemen.
Bright neon colored laces still in the “original bundle”. That is to say, not even threaded through all the eyeletes, just across the bottom two holes as they come from the box before you “lace them up” yourself…they wore them like sandals, showing off just how NEW new all their their mechandise was.
Stumble, trip, step right out of them, and down a dirty alley barefooted…
Broken glass, crumbling nail-filled shipping pallets and dicarded syringes did much of the “leg work” for me.
You didn’t mention the guys with the foppish affectations such as face jewelry and the the ear baubles. I use to want to tell them to look around and see how many executives and Senators are wearing that crap. But I’m trying to learn how to mind my own business.
You know, I’m yet to look at any young guy or girl and think to myself, wow, they’d look so much better with a bunch of metal loops embeded in the skin covering their face and or in their lips.
The contrarian was the one that spoke to me. There’s a lot of those in my social circle. This whole notion of “No, you don’t understand” or “No, that’s not really true” is so off putting. I can own being a former boundary basher myself. I’m either recovered from that or still in the process of recovery.
Mr. author,
You have listed the types of dudes, but not the motivation(s) of such behavior.
Examine what motivates them should give a clearer picture – This is now a completely ‘look at ME, look at ME’ culture, and that includes girls and young women.
Fauxhawks.
Gym rats.
Men who wear pointy-dress shoes. Same goes for the squared-off, Frankenstein-like shoes as well.
Men wearing capri pants. Though present day ‘shorts’ may as well be capris.
Perhaps I am more sheltered than I thought, but I didn’t know that #2 existed before this morning. This is disturbing on so many levels.
In my crowd, if anyone does anything crude, rude, or socially unacceptable, it’s called “an Obama”.
After reading this column, all I have to say is…. Bronies? We are in trouble. Big trouble. I’m 55 and a grandfather to a grandson. It would appear I have my work cut out for me doing my part to help him through this crap. Bronies??
Damn, that photo on the homepage scared me. I think Carrot Top deserves his own number.
This guy talked about and depicted in pictures in this article must of been one guy with nineteen sisters that made him wear a dress and long hair, and called him a girl until he was 18 years old. Seems like his choices in life were narrowed to being like a girl or turning into a serial killer. Glade he chose the girl route… Hope he appreciates guy underwear and not having to sit down to use the bathroom all the time…
“Grown-ass men do not watch My Little Pony”
They do if they have daughters…and My Little Pony has some humor to it, which makes it a heck of a lot better to deal with than some of the other crap my daughter makes me watch (WonderPets).
However, grown-ass men who don’t have kids DON’T watch it and no grown man should be collecting “MLP” memorabilia. The pony “figures” are toys for your daughter to play with, not “collectibles” to show off.
The addendum to King Turd is not just oneupmanship but the pathological liar. If you say, “I watched ‘Apollo 13′ last night; I love that movie,” he has to say, “Y’know, I used to cut Neil Armstrong’s lawn when I was a kid… blah, blah, blah.” If you just went to a concert, he’ll tell you how he once had beers with the band. (It’s always great fun if you happen to know that the band wasn’t together at the time he’s claiming it happened!)
I work with one of these particular guys right now. He walks out of the room thinking he’s just totally impressed everyone, and they’re all rolling their eyes in exasperation. God! He’s like the love child of Frank Burns and Cliff Clavin!
Isn’t King Turd just a description of 50 cent and Kanye West?
Can Kanye be a King Turd while he’s a gay fish?
I was not aware of the existence of #2 (totally effing gross) but it made me think of one you missed: furries.
Furries are about 5 magnitudes beyond My Little Pony. And beyond that, there’s Guro.
Ummm… can I safely google that at work?
No.
Sounds Japanese. That’s never a good sign.
Keen observation…and no, it’s never a good sign.
It’s a generalization, and certainly speculation, but I’m guessing the one thing all these archetypes have in common is that they didn’t have a father in the house while growing up.
Hell, I’m gay and can’t stand “male feminists.”
Puke, puke.
White Knight betas who think that somehow cannibalizing other men Alinsky-style will win them points, when it just proves how disposable they are to women.
You forgot the 300 pound Speedo wearing God’s gift to women.
You left out those who have an affinity for having skulls & other atrocious expressions of “art” tattooed on their faces &/or frontal necks. I never hesitate to admire beautiful tats but not on the front of one’s neck or on the face. Ew.
John, you’re “groovin’” with these bite-back stories! Congratulations. Intelligent, witty writing. Two remarks. One,curious on your use of “Nancy boys.” Have I missed a new, emerging genre? Married to a “Nancy” one time; crashed in all the usual ‘sixes-and-sevens’ ways with my little chain of weeklies, too; then ended up 500 miles later on–having ‘escaped’ to a mountainous, desert “hellhole”–actually naming one of a pair of Finches I’d bought just to keep me company “Nancy,” for the way she constantly bullied her mate. Finally killed him, she did. We’ve all read the “Nancy” comic strip, many of us ‘forever.’ Is there a real ‘fait accompli’ stigma with this name? Where did it come from? Second, as a proud member of the “slightly left-of-center” conservative crowd, I want to caution you about leanin’ too hard into your categorizing game. Don’t want to tip your hand any. “You ARE What You Hate” might some day come back to roost on you.
What??! is this collection of words and punctuation marks.
Is there a category for Justin Bieber?
Perhaps you should get your impressions of bronies from actual fans of the show, instead of from a lazy scroll-through of the internet. Some of those “girly men” are in the Armed Forces, walking patrols in Iraq and Afghanistan. Many of them are fathers who watch the show with their kids. Feel free to call those men effeminate or closet pedophiles to their faces.
Bronies like the show because they think it’s a well-written, funny, charming and entertaining show. And going in they were perfectly aware that they were going to be mocked by every slope-browed, beavis-chuckling sexually insecure raisin-dick with a keyboard and the rudiments of an opinion.
I think Mrs. Faust puts it best:
Really?? I think people that call them that are ignorant a-holes. That’s how I feel. I didn’t create this show for little girls, I created it for little girls and their parents– including their male parents. It only stands to reason that adult animation fans without children may like it, too. The belief that boys shouldn’t be interested in [stereotypically] girl things is the main reason there’s hardly anything decent for girls in animation– or almost any media, for that matter. It’s a backwards, outdated, sexist attitude.
@31 RHJunior
Oh, so much this. Except for the crazy-level fans, most bronies are just glad to have found something to watch that’s smart and funny. There’s a good reason I don’t miss TV very much.
And maybe it’s just me, but I find it annoying when guys mock, insult or beat someone else just because what he likes isn’t the Stereotypical Guy Thing to Do. Men who who are secure in their masculinity couldn’t give a crap about whether it’s ‘normal’ to do their jobs or hobbies.
Otherwise, great list. Men who are just plain ashamed to be men, or stay mired in the toddler’s ‘Give me what I want or else!’ give me the shudders.
Well, sure there’s a big difference between people who like watching a kids’ cartoon show with their families because it’s a notch above the rest of the crap that’s out there, and people who actively identify as Bronies. Like the difference between most people who watch Star Trek, and Trekkies. It’s the same thing. You can be a fan of a show without adopting the fandom label. Liking MLP:FiM does not, I repeat, DOES NOT, automatically make a man a Bronie.
Adopting the fandom label means putting yourself into the subculture, and that subculture is what’s really repulsive here, NOT the mere enjoyment of the show in and of itself. It’s how fandom works – real fans of most cult geek properties are going to be slightly to extremely off-kilter human beings and produce little fan-made worlds that can be uncomfortable or bizarre to the eyes of the average person. Sub-cultures typically exist because the people in them have no desire to be seen as normal. Identifying with people like that puts you on their level, and you gotta deal with the consequences if you choose to refer to yourself as such. Those are the rules that everyone else in Internet fandom plays by.
There are too many people who like MLP who don’t realize what they’re saying or how bad the implications really are, when they use that word to describe themselves. I wish more “Bronies” – and conservatives in general – understood that concept. Saying “I like MLP, it has good plotline and characters” is a much more preferable option to “I’m a Bronie”. At best, the term is emasculating. At worst… well, it’s much worse.
For anybody who sincerely doesn’t grasp what I mean by this, google the fandoms for some of the other things online today (like Transformers or Supernatural) or what’s out there in the Bronie world (the MLP Cupcakes fanfic is particularly notorious, the “trailer” is probably still up on YouTube). It’s a weird, weird, weird world out there.
Yes, there are guys in the military who like MLP. But they also tend to like everything from hentai to Batman:the Animated Series to Spongebob. It’s more of a spectrum of cartoon interests that MLP is currently a part of, which are all perfectly acceptable to us under-35s in uniform. Any guy who acted like an ACTUAL, STEREOTYPICAL, IN-THE-FANDOM Bronie would get his ass kicked by his unit. I remember a very serious counseling session I had with one of my guys about a year back where I was trying to explain that his constant professions of love for Charmed (a grrl power show if ever there was one) were the reason why nobody else liked him.
3) Trolls
Oh wow. Irony much?
Carrot Top’s in The Red-Headed League of Extraordinarily Annoying Gentlemen, isn’t he?
#4 is why I can’t stand to listen to Dan Dierdorf do NFL broadcasts.
If the guy he’s working with says someone just made a good play, Dierdoofus responds with ‘That was a GREAT play.’
If the other guy says an official made a bad call, The Doofus echoes ‘That was a TERRIBLE call.’
It’s a robotic form of one-upmanship that is screamingly annoying. I mute the TV if it’s a game I really want to watch.
the contrarian is always right because he does his homework and checks his sources. that is the definition of an NCO. he has to be right because a lot of people depend on him being right. what is wrong with being right?
My dad taught me how to braid leather, splice rope and do knots, i guess horse hair counts. i suppose having a skill set makes you useful not useless.
I find straight male apologists who’ve taken up the gay marriage cause to be very tedious. Every discussion about anything has to morph into something about a gay person not being able to visit his partner in the hospital.
If anybody finds ‘pleasure’ in condeming what others may choose to be or do and you’d prefer them to be a clone of yourself, then I would say you have a real problem on several levels. Of course man trying to control the thought, actions and identity of others has been around for a few…..
How about the 8) “Opinionated” people (men and women alike)? I already think “opinionated” is an euphemism for moron. True smart people knows when to shut up. The wiser, the quieter. The wisest man on earth sure is an elder that lives in a mountain top, and you have to work hard to prove you deserve a wise word from him. However, when you less expect it-let alone want it, an opinionated moron give you loads of blah-blah-blah crap.
I was married once to a #1. Before we got married, I decided to officially take his last name. He told me that he was more of a feminist than I was, because if he was a woman, he would never take a man’s last name. A few years later, we separated and I got an apartment. I had the utilities put in my maiden name, since the companies already had me in their records with that name from my earlier days as a customer. To get service in my married name was going to mean trips to each office to provide proof of the name change. When he came over for a child-exchange and saw a utility bill on the table, he had a fit. He said he felt rejected that I had taken my maiden name back. He said it proved I wasn’t serious about reconciliation. I tried to explain about the hassles with the utility companies, then finally pointed out that he hadn’t wanted me to take his name anyway. He said that since I had taken his name, it meant I had made a commitment to it, like a contract, and taking my maiden name back symbolized that I had broken the commitment to his name, and that hurt. It was the same sort of nutty stuff we’d disagreed on throughout our marriage. It finally dawned on me that being married to a man who said he was a feminist basically meant being married to a baby.
I once worked with a guy who married his sweetie and, being that they were such wonderful people who didn’t want to one up each other, they decided to hyphenate with each other’s names and then they could be equal!! Awwwww! Would something like that have satisfied your ex?
Having to be around a couple like that on a regular basis must have at least been a good way to lose weight? I mean, what with all the barfing into the nearest trash can that surely must have occurred.
From the perspective of 75 years it appears to me that all these types mentioned by the author are products of post-Constitutional, once-free America and urbanization. Back in the 1940s we had sissies, sure, but they were rare and even more rarely respected by men or women. Not even men of the urban centers were sissies. (Most likely because they had rural roots as genuine Americans.) Even the Marxist Democrats of the 1940s were not the sissies we see in 2013.
The pants halfway down the rear end is actually a prison code that you are available for sex. So next time you see someone shuffling along, stop, coat his arse with honey oil and drop him off at a gay bar.
Problem solved.