5 Reasons Men Cheat
Are you missing the signs?
January 23, 2013 - 7:00 am
3) He’s stuck in a sexual desert
Nobody gets in a relationship to “not have sex.” Even men who date chaste women are at least thrilled by the promise of sex to come. That’s why it’s so strange that some women have come to the conclusion that it’s fine if copulation is going to be a once-in-a-blue-moon event. The “why” is probably something to share with a therapist, but the result is that the partner is going to be tempted to look elsewhere — and what else would you expect? Sex is an implicit promise in a long-term relationship and it may not be good, right, or moral for a man to cheat if his needs aren’t being met, but it’s about as surprising as the sun coming up in the morning.
6. Delusions of awesomeness.
7. A culture that never stops reinforcing a positive image of infidelity.
8. Modern American women, fed a diet of feminism from the moment they can walk, rarely bring more to a relationship than sexual access. When this access becomes uninteresting or fades, they give a man no reason to not stray.
What a load of horse crap.
Less so than you might think. Hey, how ’bout Why Women Cheat?
1, 2, 4 and 5 apply also to women.
3 is also relevant, but in a different way. The woman’s sex drive is likely far lower than the man’s on average . I saw a survey a few years ago about the frequency of sex in heterosexual, homosexual and lesbian couples. Heterosexual couples had on avergae a little more sex than lesbian couples, and then when it came to homosexual couples there was a huge trend upwards. Apparently men like having sex far, far more often than women on average.
Add to this that the majority of women can’t experience an orgasm through penetration alone due to the female anatomy, and getting there using other methods with a partner often isn’t simple either and requires experimentation, and even if you do discover what works for her it isn’t guaranteed to work every time. Add to this that many women fake orgasm to make the man feel good, which is a good intention, but the problem is that if the guy doesn’t even know she doesn’t experience it there’s no chance to make it better. Some people (men and women) think it’s the guy’s fault if she doesn’t come, — supposedly he’s not man enough, — or attribute it to a psychological or a relationship problem (like Mr. Hawkins speculating that ‘The “why” is probably something to share with a therapist’), while often it’s really just the female anatomy that just isn’t as straight-forward, so to speak, as the male’s and requires a more sophiticated approach.
If a woman’s sex drive is lower and she also doesn’t experience orgasm, what can motivate her to want to have a lot of sex? If the couple studies the subject and experiments with opennes and honesty and without blaming each other until they get to the point where she experiences orgasm often, there’s a far better chance she’d like to do it more often. If you enjoy something you’d be more inclined to repeat it.
Another point is that for many women sex is more emotional than for men. Men can be turned on by looking at a pic of a hotty. Sometimes they don’t even need any external stimulus. It’s like a very basic function for them, like eating. But many women need an emotional stimulus — they need to be in love or be excited. This brings us back to #5 — “He doesn’t feel admired, intimate, passionate, or deeply in touch with his partner”, “Every man wants to be built up, stimulated, and admired”. Women want all that too. But unlike men, a lot of women also need it to get horny. When you move in together soon enough life gets all about work, chores, bills, duties, watching a bit TV, and then the kids arrive. Sex becomes something souless and emotionless you do when you go to bad at night, 15-20 minutes before you fall asleep. But most women don’t need this kind of sex because they don’t ususally have this strong and pressing urge. With little time for romance, attention, intimacy, courting or even a decent foreplay the woman might cool off and just not want to have sex anymore, or even find her partner unattractive.
What are you looking for from a modern American woman that you’re not getting? It obviously depends on the woman, but seriously, women are better educated and better looking than they’ve ever been. The only other thing I’d be looking for is decent morality, but most modern men aren’t bringing that to the table these days either.
There is no evidence that cheating is more of a problem now that it was in decades or centuries past.
Thank you. Saved me the effort.
And also an acceptance of the idea that people are just commodities and it’s okay to try to “trade up” whenever the opportunity seems to present itself.
Psychologist Willard F. Harley talks about saving your marriage by using the analogy of a bank account. If you deposit more love units than you withdraw, your marriage will prosper.
One of his “rules” is that you and your spouse must schedule at least fifteen hours of time together each week. You readily did this during courtship. For the health of the marriage, you need to continue this practice. Granted, this can be difficult when you have children, but, he argues, you must strive for it, nevertheless.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
Harley’s book “His Needs, Her Needs” is excellent. Granted, some of his anecdotes get down right inane, but the basic premise may be the most insightful things I’ve ever read about marriage. In short, each spouse has different needs and by recognizing those and addressing them directly, you can strengthen a relationship.
Even though my ex broke all of her promises we’d made in counseling, I learned more about myself–a combination of this book and talking with the counselor–than ever before. One thing it kept me from doing is rushing out and either sleeping around or simply getting in a rebound relationship.
BTW, on the marriage builders site, here’s a good summary of Harley’s findings:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
(One mistake critics make is assuming Harley is saying that ALL men are like this, and ALL women are like that. All he’s observed is that Men tend to have this list of needs and women another list. Tend being the operative word.)
This is better: http://marriedmansexlife.com/
The issue in my husband’s case was substance abuse. Once that was removed from the equation through hard work on his part, I got my loving husband back.
My ex-girlfriend (many years ago) had her husband cheat on her. Thing was, he had played the field before they dated, while they dated, while they were engaged, and then after they were married. She knew, but she thought she could change him. Unfortunately, that apparently colored her subsequent relationships and one of those was ours. Needless to say, her actions helped me to decide not to go through that again and I am still single.
A coworker about that time tried to fix me up with a friend. Said friend had gone through a bad divorce – husband cheated on her. Turns out that he had taken a woman home with him after the bachelor party (the night before the wedding). When she found out she asked her friends why didn’t they tell her? They asked back, “would you have still married him?” She said “Probably.”
If you want to see the state of relationships, watch the “Judge Judy” type shows on TV. While there are some cheating women on there, it is amazing what the cheated on women will accept and allow (like one guy with 15 children he had with four women). Is is as if they are willing to be nothing more than a sperm receptacle for the men that drift in and out of their lives. Somehow they equate “a guy willing to have sex with them” with love. Every high school should show those videotapes to the young girls when they are 15 or 16 (or younger). Maybe it would open their eyes.
What women don’t understand is that men don’t change with marriage. What you see, is what you get.
Unfortunately, women DO change.
Good list, and it applies equally to men and women. People cheat because they’re either too cowardly to leave their marriage and look elsewhere, and too impatient to wait until they’re single to have sex with someone outside of their relationship. It’s one of the most selfish things a person can do.
I have no use for cheaters and have ended several friendships with female friends because they cheated on their husbands. Many people who cheat out of boredom end up talking incessantly about their affair as if it’s a health crisis that should merit sympathy. They’ll get none from me.
I couldn’t agree more. It is an act of cowardice, like holding onto a safety line while you test the waters for depth and temperature. There is never a reason to cheat, but there are hundreds of excuses. Years ago, I learned through a mutual friend that a woman I had just started seeing had cheated on her first husband with a number of different partners. I dumped her immediately, and recently heard that since I last saw her, she had been married and divorced three times, all as a result of her adultery. Bottom line is that if a person will cheat with you, they will cheat on you!
I’m a good example of #3, although I didn’t cheat. The ex before my wife gave me sex after three dates but then decided she didn’t want to have sex until she was married. I said peace and found my wife. My wife gave me sex after the third date and almost every other day for the three years we’ve been dating and the ten we have been married.
Note to women: Good men love sex too.
No, you just fornicated. I hope this marriage works out for you, but don’t go calling yourself a good man when you’re a fornicator.
Geez, that sounds more than a little harsh.
He has a loving, marital relationship with a woman who’s perfect for him, and that is somehow sinful?
D
No, not at all for, “The bed undefiled in marriage is honorable above all.” I was objecting to him referring to himself as a good man when he was having sex before marriage. Good men don’t expect sex without marriage.
And I suppose you and your (presumed) wide were pure snowflakes until marriage? Defining a good man by having premarital sex would seem to exclude a large population of men from being good, ya think?
Haha!
You wouldn’t buy a car without first test driving it would you? You wouldn’t buy a house with out doing a walk though would you? Why would you marry someone without first figuring out if you’re sexually compatable? If you and your spouse are not then you’re going to be miserable, and one (maybe even both) will probably stray and you’ll split up.
Sounds like the first woman was a bit controlling about sex. First three dates to rope him in and then pretend she was celibate and waiting for marriage. I never get those types as to why they do it. You are either all in or not.
It was a wise decision on his part to leave the first woman as their needs were not compatible and he would have just ended up miserable. The second lady sounds like she was perfect for him and their needs were compatible and the woman isn’t controlling about sex as the first one was.
“Fornicator”…. I’ll just LOL at this word.
I have a friend right now whose husband cheated on her and from whom she is now separated.
The thing is, she is smoking hot. She’s not boring either as she was telling me about how a panel on a motorcycle she was on came loose at 120 MPH.
As such, I would suggest that a good measure of what goes on – absent things like drug or alcohol abuse – is simply people getting something out of an illicit relationship that they are not getting at home.
It’s not even something that their partners necessarily can’t provide, it’s that the cheating spouse doesn’t bother to look for what they need in the marriage instead of running around outside of marriage. It’s a major character flaw.
This is what it boils down to.
That was a decent list of examples the author provided – but it still boils down to something missing from the relationship.
Think of Tiger Woods as an example.
If you don’t know what his ex-wife looks like, google her…please (if you’ve never seen her before now, you are welcome).
Then consider to yourself that Tiger Woods actually cheated on her. It wasn’t looks, it wasn’t money, it was something else that motivated him to pull a boneheaded stunt like that.
Or, if you prefer, consider that doofus Prince Charles and Princess Diana.
I am not one of those who follows British royalty (my ancestors made a firm decision a couple of centuries ago regarding British royalty, and it was not a decision in the British monarch’s favor) – but the first thing I thought of when it came out that Ol’ Charlie boy had been screwing around on his wife and with who was….he screwed around with THAT???
DAYUMN…..
Or consider Arnold Schwarzeneggar. While I personally think all Kennedy’s are buck toothed and their perception of attractiveness is due more to a genetic defect in their followers than actual physical beauty, at the same time I also freely admit that Arnold’s wife looked a hell of a lot better than the maid he knocked up.
Arnold had money. Power. Prestige. He even has his own frickin battle tank (true, look it up).
Yet, he stepped out on his wife who clearly was high maintenance.
These guys were all looking for something outside of their marriages instead of looking inward to their marriages for what they wanted/needed in life.
No matter how hot a woman is, there’s a guy somewhere tired of her crap….
And vice versa.
Regarding Prince Charles, clearly his first wife, Diana, was a “10″ in appearance, but, as I understand it, a bit of a nut case. His paramour, now his wife, was his first true love and continued to be so even though his position required him to provide the monarchy an heir, and a spare, birthed by a previously unmarried virgin. Unique circumstances.
Even setting aside the royalty, the money, and the fame—whether monarchical or silver screen— I agree with you that those “other” women must have provided something more near and dear than just sex. How sad the men could not find it within their own marriages.
The Jungian author, Robert Johnson, has written a number of short books about male and female psychology. In one book, he points out that when we fall in love we project upon the other person all of the good and ideal qualities that we, ourselves possess, but cannot see within ourselves. The object of our love can be just about anyone since we are doing the projecting. It is only when we fall out of love (or should I say, lust) that we can begin to see the real person to whom we have committed. It is only then we can have a mature love relationship. Unfortunately, it is at that juncture so many dalliances–and divorces–occur.
Regarding this projection phenomena, Johnson points out that we in the West project these golden phantasies upon the objects of our love. In contrast, in the East, with its arranged marriages, they project their golden phantasies upon their spiritual gurus rather than their spouses.
My own parents, who reared four children, courted and married in a fairly short time frame. I think when lust wore off, my father may have had doubts about his decision. During the almost fifty years of their marriage, during which, I believe, he remained faithful, my mother would repeatedly and longingly ask, “Do you love me?” My father would reply, as many men of his generation probably did, “I married you, didn’t I?”
I never really understood why so many people thought Diana was hot.
I’d say she was below average. Better looking that Camilla, certainly…but that’s not exactly a high bar.
As far as personality goes, I get the feeling she was a horror to live with.
Some agree with you. I believe that one London tabloid described her as looking like a giraffe that had wandered into the palace. But was Charles such a bargain? Diana described marriage to him as being like “an ice cream headache.” I loved that!
Have you bothered to ask the Husband of your “hot” friend why he cheated? It will likely be the usual that were already listed (not putting out, criticizing, belittling, etc)
Tiger Woods – Way I hear it, she wasn’t putting out and he had prime opportunity all around him. That is probably the number one reason many guys screw up their relationship, sex.
Arnold Schwarzenegger – Again…. Maria was probably the dutiful mother, but lacking in the wife section. Many Women after having kids feel their only role is “Mom”. They tend to neglect the “Wife” role and taking care of their Man’s physical needs.
Actually the fact that not so Bonnie Prince Charlie found that old dessicated broad more attractive than Princess Di I found to be his MOST redeeming quality. It kind of proves the point. Sometimes there IS nothing to explain a relationship to an outsider who knows nothing of the couple’s chemistry together. I always thought Charlie was bored witless around Di and I didn’t blame him if that were the case. A pretty face only goes so far. For both sexes.
It may interest you to know that sex is not, usually, the motive for affairs, even though, the affair frequently manifests itself in that way. As most married people know, at some point the relationship threatens to become more intimate than one or both of the partners can handle. Intimacy, here, is defined as the revealing of one’s inner self. The pressure to allow oneself to be “seen” becomes intolerable. As military readers know, somewhat similar crises occur at boot camp. It takes a great deal of integrity to be seen by an intimate other – and courage. Once seen, however, the bond becomes exceedingly difficult to break. Because many people are afraid of having their hearts broken, they never actually reveal themselves to their “intimate enemy” and thus find themselves in a dilemma when this stage of the relationship begins to develop.
While people at some level, long for this kind of intensity, when it occurs, they find it much different from what they expected. For starters, it isn’t comfortable. To defuse the situation, many take up with an outsider, somebody who does not know them in any real sense and with whom they can play act: somebody who validates whatever they say or do.
Hence I disagree with commenters who explain affairs as activities to supply something missing. These explanations essentially define the purpose of marriage into sex-on-tap when it clearly is not.
I disagree. It isn’t necessarily “sex on tap” that is being provided by a mistress to a cheating spouse – it could be something as simple as his self-esteem is getting…ah….stroked.
Both sexes want to feel good about themselves, and want to see themselves as attractive to the opposite sex. It’s an ego thing.
Then of course you have that whole forbidden fruit thing again, and the excitement that an illicit affair would arouse – and this works both ways. Lots of women want what some other gal has and are willing to layer on the sweet talk to get it. Something that started as a mild flirtation could end up at a hotel somewhere as one or both parties realize they have a receptive audience that will make them feel good about themselves again.
How being a faithless spouse who breaks their wedding vows improves someones self-image is beyond me, but people really don’t make sense most of the time anyway.
At the root of it though, you still have someone thinking or feeling like they are getting something from a 3rd person that they are not getting from their spouse.
I agree with the marriage counselor. What people are not getting from their spouse is intimacy because they can’t handle that level of closeness.
The act of getting married isn’t a magical switch that all of a sudden turns off a person’s unsavory characteristics.
It also isn’t a switch that turns off human nature. Men are going to find beautiful, charming women attractive. Women are going to find strong, assertive men attractive. People of weak character can succumb to these drives.
We used to use cultural standards to keep people honest in their marriages who would otherwise stray. But cultural standards are no more. The destruction of our culture has many and varied consequences.
Good for you! I find your comments and observations more believable than many made so far.
Beneath much of the sexually-founded misery that leads men to step out on their wives lies a truth about which little, if anything, can be done:
In an older formulation: He gives love to get sex; she gives sex to get love.
The sexual revolution didn’t change that. Decades of sex-positive propaganda aimed at women didn’t change it, either.
So a major component of the motivation behind quite a lot of adulteries is that he feels he’s being cheated: whether by his wife’s lack / loss of interest in sex, or by her unwillingness to indulge him, or by her flaccidity in the sack.
Many a feminist would respond to the above by insisting that “she doesn’t owe him anything,” including regular sex. Well, as it happens, he’s highly unlikely to feel the same way, and she won’t have much luck persuading him otherwise. And when he decides that her frigidity is grounds for adultery or worse, she’ll have no one to blame but herself.
The only person to blame for adultery is the person who commits it. Enough excuse-making.
At which point a marriage becomes a prison? So your perspective is divorce is preferable? Note that 95+% of the time, divorce means the man loses 1/2 of income to former spouse regardless of reason for divorce. The “no-fault” divorce does not mean removal of financial cost.
Therefore — the man has a choice:
(a) remain in loveless, sexless marriage — and suffer
(b) remain in loveless, sexless marriage — and cheat
(c) divorce, and pay 1/2 of income for life to former spouse
And what if there are children? Is (c) better than (b) if there are children?
A marriage is a contract. If one party neglects to fulfill his contracted obligations, such as being physically available to his spouse, the other is freed from his contractual obligations in recompense. Even my church, the Catholic Church, recognizes that fact.
Your church may recognize that, but Christ didn’t. What I do find is the commandment for men to love their wives as Christ loved the church – with or without sex.
Listen, if my marriage contract is dependent upon my wife ‘putting out’ as payment and my pay out having sex, then my contract is null and void right now and I should immediate divorce my wife. For whatever reason, shortly after the birth of our second child my wife pretty much lost interest in sex. That was 22 years ago. That’s not to say I have been celibate for 22 years. But I do not force the issue and the frequency is now seldom. However, I love my wife more at this minute than when sex was a nightly thing, recognizing there is far more to marriage than sex.
And the things my wife offers in return, friendship, loving partner, wise counsel, mother to my daughters I love dearly, and frankly the heart of our family greatly outweigh the need for physical intimacy. That alone keeps me on the straight and narrow. There isn’t a bod in this world worth losing that.
Poretto: excellent analysis!
I love my wife. Never physical cheated on her after 25 years of marriage and a year of courtship. She works out of town, and when she is gone which is most often, I play hermit because I don’t need the temptation. There’s not a thing in this world worth losing her. Even then, sometimes temptation comes calling – there’s a heck of a lot of lonely women out there I’ve discovered.
But perhaps there’s a more simple explanation for many men who cheat. It’s called female anatomy and pure naked lust. A bare thigh, nice cleavage, tight fitting clothes. I’ve got an incredibly vivid imagination too as I’ve discovered do most males. That’s no shortcoming of my wife, whose still a babe in her own right.
There’s a great many men far greater than me who succumbed to it – the Old Testament is chock full of them. I’m not excusing cheating as it the most selfish of acts to both spouse and children. But I most certainly understand the temptation, because it takes a great measure of self-control not to succumb when offered.
She works out of town, and when she is gone which is most often, I play hermit because I don’t need the temptation. There’s not a thing in this world worth losing her. Even then, sometimes temptation comes calling – there’s a heck of a lot of lonely women out there I’ve discovered. . . . That’s no shortcoming of my wife, whose still a babe in her own right.
Perhaps you pleasantly surprise her with a pop-in visit when she’s out of town . . . you know, just to make sure she doesn’t get lonely. She’ll be happy to see you.
I do just that – about 4 times a year. 500 mile drive one way is no fun, though.
Gulp………what is a woman to do that has a real physical limitation after illness such as cancer that ruins her reproductive organs, and making intercourse impossible? What if the woman does everything she can to satisfy the man in every other way, in and out of the bedroom? What then?
She’s in a really tough spot, and no mistake. But that’s the moment for her husband to rise to the occasion. After all, the vow does say “in sickness and in health,” doesn’t it?
If he should fail to marshal the appropriate degree of understanding, fortitude, and perseverance, he is unworthy of her, and she’ll probably be better off without him.
The wife I married was a feminist and our vows were all New Agey and did not include “in sickness and in health.”
Makes a good case for tradition, doesn’t it?
Then the guy who has you is a lucky man. That’s what.
I don’t agree that sex is the end all to marriage. As a younger man, it was important. Not so much now. My wife has become my best friend and partner in everything.
That is enough.
Depends on how open-minded you both are.
I’ve known married couples who have bought in a third to entertain and enjoy. It’s not for everyone and you would need to have a very secure relationship in order to do so.
I know a happily married couple. One of them became paralyzed from the neck down some years after their marriage. That was about twenty years ago. Marriage isn’t always about sex.
Janie, I’ve been wondering the same thing through all these posts. 9 years survivor of treatment that left me incapacitated. Sometimes I worry, and wonder, but we seem to be surviving. We still have fun. We’re still a pair.
There is nothing wrong with cheating. Man conquers woman. Man moves on to better things with his life. That is all.
Well, unless he’s a whiteknight beta male with no other options. In that case he commits.
Get thee behind me, Satan! Boys like you deserve to be shot.
Grow up.
Blackgriffin and myth buster, begone trolls!
I’ve been here for nearly five years. Everybody here knows that I’m not a troll.
Boys, are we wrapping our turbans a little tight these days?
Pickup artists say always be cheating… she’ll know she can be replaced and, if she goes, so what (big deal) you’ve got another.
I was cheated on in my first marriage, and in many ways it still bothers me very much. I have re-married, and I’m very much in love, but it still burns me that my ex not only cheated but seemed to waffle between feeling guilty about it and feeling completely justified. One minute she “screwed up bad” and the next: “Everything I did, you drove me to it!” Was I a perfect husband? Absolutely not. Did I make her feel undesired, and often unloved? Without meaning to, I did. Did she often make me feel undesired and unloved? Practically throughout our marriage. To call our sex life “sporadic” and “infrequent” would be to say that the east coast got a little wet recently. She openly disrespected me, even when the children were present (and when I brought that up, she claimed that I hadn’t earned her respect and therefore she shouldn’t even pretend to respect me when the kids were watching). I never once even considered cheating on her. Leaving her, yes, but I didn’t want to hurt the kids. But once my ex got to a point where she knew she didn’t want to be with me anymore, suddenly her sex drive tripled and she began looking for other men (yes, plural) to have sex with. She recently re-married herself. For most of her relationship with her new husband, she refused to tell him what she had done to end her marriage. She preferred him to think we just fell out of love and “both did things that hurt each other”. I told her that in fairness to him she needed to tell him she had cheated. He decided to marry her anyway. I kinda feel bad for him, knowing that one day she may cheat on him, but on the other hand, he kinda asked for it.
Yow! This ex sounds like the archetypal, spoiled Disney princess (of ANY era, not just this feminized one) who was raised to believe that the universe turned around her, that the male sex existed to satisfy her needs and wants, and that marriage and family should be like a Harlequin romance.
I find it impossible to believe that there were not warning signs aplenty before going in.
If this were another era, I’d have guessed that she had a doting, wealthy father who bribed you into marrying her.
1. Emotional Detachment
Many, if not most, men want an emotional connection with their spouse. They want to be admired by their spouse–not in a superficial way, but in a genuine, deeply emotional way. They want someone they can be truly honest with.
Yet, once married, an unfortunately high percentage of women, shut that down. Their husband becomes a walking ATM machine. Worse, quite often this emotional detachment becomes emotional abuse. In some cases, it can become extreme. My marriage didn’t go that far and I never cheated, but I grew to really understand why so many men do.
When I was heading for divorce, I knew my situation wasn’t unique, but I didn’t realize how common it was. After my divorce, I was truly shocked at how many men all but straight out told me that their marriage was hell and that they stuck around because of the kids and religious conviction. One common thread is that like my ex, these men’s wives give them no emotional support and no respect. In most cases, the men out earn their wives, yet their wives demand even more with less accountability. In several cases, the kids are in school and the wives are capable of earning a good income, but not only choose not to, they get very angry when asked to do so.
(Several years ago, I read a fascinating article on escorts. One of the subjects was a man in his fifties who’d been married about 30 years. His evenings with the escort would end in sex, but a “romantic” evening would lead up to that. When this man’s wife found out, she was quoting as saying “I could have done that” meaning, gone out to dinner. But it wasn’t just going out, it was being sensual and emotionally available. The man clearly wanted to feel he was desirable and that he could win over a mate. Yes, the escort thing was counterfeit, which is probably why he kept at it, trying to satisfy his needs, but never being able to truly do so.)
Great list. Spot on. So much rings true for me. Should I send this to my wife to help her get a clue or would that arouse too much suspicion?
How do you know YOU shouldn’t be the one getting a clue from that list? Women cheat as much as men, now.
One thing you forgot is Opportunity. Sadly as men and women work in close proximity, sometimes a mutual attraction can form, if there is opportunity for a liaison thrown onto that flammable situation, well… This does not excuse it, but it is a reason. Probably the stronger the relationship at home, the less likely one or the other are likely to give into that temptation.
In both cases sexual neglect is often vigorously defended by the offender. Sometimes a woman will “let herself go” some, but it isn’t a problem for the man, it’s a problem for the woman. She turns her husband away because of her own inadequacies about worth, and then is surprised if in that once in a blue moon he shows little interest, which then just exacerbates the situation. I single out women in that case because it is rare a man will not feel like sex because he’s gained a few pounds.
Regarding #3: ladies and gentlemen, there is such a thing as the marriage debt. Cheating is not limited to having sex with another person; merely depriving your spouse of sex is itself cheating.
“merely depriving your spouse of sex is itself cheating.”
No, that is neglect, Emotional and Physical neglect and its not right no matter who does it.
No, that is neglect, Emotional and Physical neglect. It’s not right for other party to do it.
Funny thing guys, these are the same reasons women cheat. It drives me nuts that so many men think it’s important that women keep up their looks, but they don’t have to. Guess what? Yes, you do. And weight isn’t the only thing women notice.
I’m afraid to ask what else men should be able to “keep up.”
I’ll assume for safety’s sake it is personal hygiene.
But I agree, even as a male you should make no demands that you yourself aren’t willing to keep. All’s fair.
But I got to admit even with the treadmill, the sweat, and trying to modify the diet, what worked at 30 isn’t working as well at 52. And a quick glance at the mirror is starting to become a drag.
Yeah I’ve really noticed that (I’m 43.) In your twenties and thirties, you put on a little weight, but then you get into a fitness mode and 6- 8 weeks later you’ve dropped it. Now…you put on a little weight and boy it wants to stay there- exercise still feels great and you lose some but not like before.
Had the best sex of marriage when spouse was cheating. More often, better quality not sure if this happens much when woman cheat. But it sure can blindside you. With Obamacare coming, your best bet is keeping in shape. In time smokers and the overweight will be fiscally tortured or cut off.
Men should not work too much. In my case it was +90 hours a week. If your spouse is home alone all the time. You can almost understand having an affair. Life is too, make time for the people you love. i guess this applies to workaholic woman too, just have not met many woman that work like that and they were all single.
Five reasons anyone cheats: 1. They’re a douchebag. 2. They’re a douchebag. 3. They’re a douchebag. 4. They’re a douchebag. 5. They’re a douchebag.
5 excellent reasons. Thank you for contributing to the conversation with such a degree of powerful eloquence, reason, logic, and range of human understanding.
I have a #6 for you:
6. Being subjected to an endless flood of “Why Do Men Cheat?” stories in addition to the constant berating and villification and belittling men have had to put with in the MSM and Hollywood over the last 2 or 3 decades.
We could surely have done without this story, too.
Hear hear.
I find myself agreeing with all the points here. I am a 39 year old executive married to my highschool sweetheart. For the first 7 years of our marriage, I could not ask for anything more. She was my best friend, soulmate, partner, lover, etc. Then we started a family.
Within months, she became paranoid, horribly jealous, irresponsible, cold, frigid and hysterical. In short, she became the copy of her mother, sister and all of the other women in her family. I stay with her for only one reason, our daughter, who is now 9. Of all the things in our marriage that are terrible (complete lack of support, unequal division of labor, no sex life, no time together, financial strain when I have the income where it should never occur, etc) the lack of a sex life probably bothers me the most. To me, it is simple respect. I work 70 hours a week, take care of about 80% of the work around the house, jump whenever my wife needs something and in return I never have sex, get none of the things around the house done for me that I request (multiple times) (my wife is a house wife), am daily berratted, often in front of the kid, etc. She knows I won’t leave, so she feels that she can do whatever she wants.
It sucks. My advice…
Look at your girfriend/boyfriend’s closest same sex relative (my mother in law for the wife, my maternal grandfather for me). This is who you spouse will become. If you can live happily with that, get married. If not, run away like you are on fire.
Hey Ohio guy who loves his daughter so much: By staying, you are creating another generation of the same. If you leave, your wife (and daughter) will be on notice that the cycle has to be broken.
I tried to apply that rule – her mom was thin and gracious – her dad was a whale.
Guess what? Rule fail.
Hey bud, I hear you. That sounds miserable. Please at least check this out– it’s helped a lot of guys in their relationships. PS I’m in no way affiliated with the site, just happen to find it useful.
http://marriedmansexlife.com/
#1 answer
Opportunity
So, tell me, Am I the only one who has always openly said that I have an harem?
I always said it, always asked after that, if the girl -the new conquest, was ok with that, and then either:
1.- she was ok with it
or
2.- she didn’t believe it.
In every case, I was honest. I think being honest to the end is a lot better than just lie. I had my many harems when single, and explained that to every girl. When the unbeliever girls were surprised with the true, I told them I was being honest and very clear about the situation.
Just note: I don’t think this is an option for married people but, boy, I had a lot of fun during my young days
Methinks Mr. Hawkins is projecting.
Spouses cheat because it is human nature that some people do not have the character to resist. The rest are just excuses.
Most couples who cheat on each other are convinced the other is cheating and wants to get in on the game for various reasons.
This is a riff on #1 — Man is OK with cheating:
Lack of spiritual armor. If you pray ahead of time for God to cloak us when temptation strikes, you are capable of walking away. You walk away in a cold sweat, but you walk away.
I guess a shrink would call if “impulse control”.
Those of us from the poor side of town substitute priests and ministers for Shrinks. Nothing against shrinks!!! But the cost of 1 hour at the Psychologist would pay for lots of rice and beans.
Or maybe rich people have subsituted shrinks for priests and ministers?
Either sex cheats because they want to………..and because they haven’t decided not to.
It’s a choice. Everything leading to the choice or used as defense after the choice is just window dressing. Once we start accepting “this reason or that reason” there’s a sense in which onlookers and participants start to think “it was inevitable” and forget that it is, actually, a choice.
Accepting that the window dressing constitutes “reasons” just makes it “logical” to choose to cheat, and becomes an inherent acceptance that it’s ok.
“why men cheat”.
1. Because they can.
2. Sophisticates of both sexes have always cheated.
Being “upper class” were not shackled with behavioural restraints of the
“lower” classes/bourgeoisie/commoners. These “best and
brightest” with wealth Inherited from “made men” ancestors from good
service to the Capos – kings/queens – of the day.
3. We, Americans and western Europeans, with universal relative affluence,
now have freedom from want and compliance to demands of employers/wealth
holders and creators. We are no longer waifs looking at the banquets
of the privileged but are in effect inside the castle. Inside the castle and
following precepts of these “betters”, these “upper class”, “elite”
4. We are all now sophisticates and KNOW the standards for “good life”
are those of privileged hedonists now behavioural standards of the day for
all wannabees. Via “Mad Men” advertisement, pundit, talk show hosts and
Hollywood “stars” display their behaviours to the “lower classes/COMMONERS”..
5. With our human wish to travel to, or with the “Stars” we, bourgeois, lower
classes, COMMONERS would where possible emulate the behaviours of those stars.
Thereby for a time at least believ we are the same.
6. It takes two to tango. Boy/Girl, Boy/Boy, Girl/Girl.
3.
One major game-tilt the author missed: No woman will be loving, exciting, thrilled, for her husband if he unrealistically expects her to be perpetually 20-something. Male nature is such that it desires to be forever young, and despite the wife going through many physical changes (unlike him) due to child bearing, hormones, menopause, floor scrubbing, you-name-it… she shouldn’t “let her self go”. Once the criticism starts, don’t expect momma to be “hot” in or out of the bedroom, unless the male controls that expectation, and understands that the needs of the couple need to mature. That is, the marriage goes from Hello Hottie, to reliable, cherished, and loving, even tho the couple see each others flaws. Humility is key.
In other words, the surest way to douse female enthusiasm in the bedroom is to douse her self-respect. No woman who is told “she is letting herself go” by hubby is going to be a fireball in bed. A little “reverse psychology” will likely go a long way in motivating a wife to become what she is told she “is”, by her spouse. It goes both ways, of course. Don’t despise the one you married when you were young.
Married 30 years… some happy seasons, some not, but still together.
Lots of good insightful comments. However, I have another take on the topic. Please forgive the length of my post.
The belief that marriage requires restricting intimacy, especially sexual intimacy to one’s spouse is not universal. Many cultures accepted married men having multiple wives, concubines, as well as having sex with prostitutes going back to ancient times. Muslims even today have multiple wives and allow quickies with other women, married for the moment and divorced immediately after sex. History, literature, movies, and songs are filled with famous stories of marital cheating. News stories report daily about cheating movie stars, sports stars, politicians, business leaders, religious leaders. We are a sex obsessed society where sex is used to sell any product, service, or idea. While we might aspire to an ideal that men shouldn’t cheat on their wives, in truth we are hypocrites.
Since the 1960s American culture and its mores have changed drastically. There is no longer any social stigma for sex or pregnancy before marriage, and while cheating has some stigma attached still it’s mostly accepted as wide spread and just a fact of life. Also there is great confusion as to how men and women should act toward each other, as exemplified by Betty Friedan feminism with its rejection of traditional roles, demands by some legitimizing homosexuality, metro-sexuality, sex change operations and drugs to alter adult and child sexual orientations. Add to this pervasive pornography on the internet, in books, movies, advertising, and television being absorbed hours on end daily by a majority of both sexes today. Daily we get accounts of children as young as six engaging in sex both hetero and homo, and widespread availability of abortion even for children without parental knowledge or consent is accepted without complaint by the public.
We accept and support a press that daily feeds us lurid details of sexual crimes and perversions that in truth arouse some sexually and numb others while we hypocritically shake our heads lamenting the teacher, the priest, the politician, etc. who is caught molesting children or using the service of a prostitute. Congressman Barney Frank repeatedly rapes underage Congressional interns until caught yet the voters ignore the crime and reward him with high public office and wealth and high honor as one of our leading citizens. We don’t care, just tell us the lurid details so we can fantasize and be sexually aroused by it. President Clinton knowingly uses the prestige and power he enjoys as President to seduce Monica Lewinsky to reform oral sex in the White House, and when caught boldly lies and criminally perjures himself yet the majority of society passionately defends him and continues to this day to honor and admire him and condone his cheating. As for Monica, we feel no respect and by her own admission now has had her life ruined, her future tarnished beyond repair, although she clearly was the victim of a powerful depraved sexual predator like others who use their position and power over women to force themselves sexually on them. And let’s not forget the demands of the National Organization of Women at this same time for laws and punishments to address sexual molestation of women by those in positions of power, until the most powerful man in the world molested Monica and then it was silence. Suddenly it was okay in our culture to force others to engage in sex without responsibility or concern for the consequences, and the harm to the society and citizenry. I remember quite vividly having to explain to my 10 year old daughter in 4th grade, thanks to Clinton, what oral sex was and how it was performed in detail, and why it was wrong and worse yet why our country, our American society and culture which stated what the President did was wrong, not only did not punish the President but defended his sexual depravity. Think our leaders conduct and immorality don’t influence the behavior of our youth? By the next school year, boys and girls were engaging in oral, anal, vaginal sex in my daughter’s middle school. The kids were just following President Clinton’s example and they did it with no thought as to whether it was right or wrong or whether anyone was hurt by it. While my daughter refused to do it because of the family and religious standards she had, she was initially unwilling to tell us what was going on because another societal norm is someone who rats on their school mates is more unacceptable and more deserving of punishment, indeed will be punished, by society than kids who force other kids to have sex since everyone is doing it, even the President. However our daughter was clearly upset and when we noticed her anguish and asked her what was wrong she told us what was going on in the school. The next day I went to her school and found all of the bathrooms occupied with both boys and girls engaged in sex and none of them showed surprise or concern that an adult had caught them in the act. I immediately removed all of my children from public school, enrolled them in a Catholic school and informed the police of what I found. The entire school staff, principals, teachers, and counselors were transferred to other schools and a new principal who was a hard demanding disciplinarian was put in charge. But the whole situation was covered up and the parents of the kids were never told what their kids did or had done to them. There was no effort to tell the children that sex with whomever you want, whenever you want, whether they want to do it or not is wrong and harmful to all involved. Instead we’re told that we have to accept that kids will do it so the schools now teach them how to put on condoms, both boys and girls, how to engage in allegedly safe oral, vaginal, anal sex, both hetero and homo, and if pregnancy occurs an assurance there is nothing to worry about, the school and Planned Parenthood will get you that abortion without your parents or anyone being the wiser.
So is there any wonder why men cheat on their wives? Sex is no longer viewed as an act of intimacy and sharing reserved exclusively to marriage. Today it’s treated like a quick high like having a drink after work with friends, or shooting a line of cocaine. Worse, our liberal elite and leaders are doing their best to severe the link between sex and children and they are succeeding. Birthrates in America and in Western societies in general are below replacement rates. We’re literally committing cultural suicide. Our country makes hypocritical, abusive laws that defy common sense or logic that coerce citizens who oppose abortion as murder to fund abortions against their religious beliefs, our liberal leaders and elite argue vehemently and abusively that an unborn child is but an inconvenient lump of undesirable flesh, no more worthy of respect than a cancerous tumor.
Basically, our society and our government today neither supports nor defends traditional marriage and as a result most children today are born to single mothers, who if encouraged by society at all are told to abort their children and are provided government financial support to do it. Today, our government lies about everything, cheating is rampant, and businesses, politicians, and borrowers welch on their promises. Mothers and fathers abandon their children. In other words, what our youth today see is a world where nothing is sacred, everyone cheats, commitment and promises are routinely broken. It’s everyone for themselves, and anyone who tries to be honorable, to work hard to achieve something or keep their word is in reality a chump, a nerd, a fool, a loser, a religious fanatic, or worse. Under these conditions, is it any wonder why the vast majority of marriages fail? Do we really have to ask why men, and women cheat? Are we that stupid? The real question is when are we going to realize that we’re committing suicide as a nation, destroying the family and the souls of our children, losing all the virtues that maintain the social compact like love, commitment, honor, sacrifice? And if we do realize it, can we repair the damage we have wrought? Cheating occurs because we break our vows without penalty or shame. Everything else is rationalization to excuse our selfish behavior and the harm it does to spouse and children.
I’m tired of hearing how men never change. You can’t be with any woman for long without changing something. Getting married will bring more change, whether anyone likes it, or not. Change can be for the better, or worse. But everybody does.
As far as cheating goes, a lot of women act like they WANT men to cheat on them. It’s like they try to provoke a man to cheat. It’s one of their favorite topics. They bring it up all the time, as if they think about it constantly. So after awhile, it becomes tempting to finally give them something they really want.
It’s like they think, since they obviously believe it’s the worst thing a man can do to them, short of killing them, at least they’ll know who they are dealing with, and it will be over with at last. Like pulling a bad tooth. What are you waiting for? they seem to be saying. Do it! They are like liberals constantly prattling about race, whereas most people don’t think about it that much. Or the way most people don’t worry about class, but liberals do.
You know why I never cheated? Because one woman at a time is hard enough. Who needs two of them? I listen to what it’s like to have two. Who needs it? I know. Romantic, isn’t it?
I have been tempted, but never did. I just remind myself how hurt she would be if she found out. And how guilty I would feel. Or how I would feel if she cheated on me. If one feels fidelity is too prudish, I think of it as keeping it simple. One at a time is hard enough. And I have never considered fidelity the height of sainthood, or to be impossible.
These articles on infidelity really miss the mark. I once believed the author’s premise. I have since become far less naive. There are deeply fundamentally honest people who have no moral compass and consequently will lie about their behavior for years and without compuction or care for the feelings of others, even those most close to them. For instance, consider Charles Lindbergh. Would you really claim that the husband of the author who wrote “A Gift from the Sea” was not in love? Would you claim that she was oblivious to her husband’s needs?
The pain and damage is very real but don’t try to put those terrible things at the feet of the person suffering because their partner is a closeted sociopath who is capable of deceiving many.
ooops! Obviously I meant “deeply fundamentally dishonest people”