5 Reasons You Would Never Want To Be a Superhero in the Real World
3) The Media Would Eat You Alive.
Sure, the press would treat you like a celebrity, but how great is that really? The only thing the media love better than building up a celebrity is watching them fall. Look how gleeful they are when a celeb gets high in public, says something stupid, or gets arrested — and none of those people are punching super villains through the wall of a children’s hospital or making life-and-death decisions that are easy to second guess.
Additionally, the media being the media, there’s tremendous pressure to say controversial and contrary things to get attention. So, if conservatives all love you because you’re “The Patriot Hero,” all the liberals will hate you. If you’re “Intellect Woman: The Woman Who Solves Crimes With the Power of Her Mind,” Mike Tyson will talk about doing you doggie style on ESPN radio and Larry Flynt will do a porno movie that features some bimbo dressed as you having sex with your archenemy, “Deathfistkill Man!” Then you’ll have the psychologists speculating about your mental health issues on Oprah, crazies speculating that you’re working with the bad guys, people blaming you for being too tough on violent space mutants that had unpleasant childhoods, and, of course, incessant calls for the government to get you under control. Speaking of which…
If that picture show up on Gawker, Hulk will be very angry and you would not like Hulk when Hulk get angry.
SOMEBODY needs to watch “The Incredibles”. It’s all been done.
Indeed. As soon as I read “2) You’d Be Buried Under an Avalanche of Lawsuit” I thought of the lawsuits that pushed Mr. Incredible into suburban life as an insurance adjuster.
Apropos, I’m sure I’m not the only one who noted how much “Syndrome” and his island lair recalled the evil geniuses in the classic James Bond movies. “The Incredibles” remains one of my favorite Pixar movies.
The producers of “The Incredibles” said that they were inspired by the James Bond movies. Syndrome’s secret base was also inspired by some of the secret bases that the villains in the Bond movies had. Finally, the producers commissioned a jazzy musical score that was a paraphrase of the musical scores of the Bond movies.
I loved that movie, btw. Pixar made a movie with themes that conservatives could appreciate.
One of the most hilarious movie exchanges ever:
“WHERE – IS – MY – SUPER – SUIT!?!”
Too True! The reason that the Incredibles is such a funny movie is because, despite the silly premise and subject matter, there is way too much truth in it.
Good article. I would add #6
‘No one with super powers would EVER be a good guy’
Think about it. Lets say you’re Superman. You start off your career saving kittens in trees. Pretty soon you graduate to preventing buses from careening off collapsing bridges. Thats cool and all, but Superman insists on having a 2nd life as Clark Kent. I also assume that even Superman sleeps. So right off the bat Superman isn’t being a hero 24/7; he takes time off to sleep and/or be Clark Kent. So at most Superman is heroing about maybe 6-8 hours a day. What about all the tragedies that happen when he is sleeping? Or when he’s playing Clark Kent at a board meeting and can’t just make an excuse to get away and save the day?
At first, Superman would be a media hero; “guy in tights saves little girl’s kitten”. But Superman can’t be everywhere and can’t save every kitten, so it won’t be long before it’s “guy in tights lets busload of nuns and puppies die when bus careens over the side of a collapsing bridge”. So it happened while he was sleeping; doesn’t matter. He should have been on the job and the nedia and the public will crucify him. Superman can’t be everywhere at once and he can’t save every kitten.
But the important part is that Clark Kent (and by extension Superman) was raised by a good old American family to be a good man, a caring man, a man who would makes sacrifices to help people. A standup guy. A guy who would save every kitten, every busload of nuns. But he can’t. And he knows he can’t. Now he has to pick and choose who gets to live and who dies. This wears on even a good guy. He will crack under the stress. Start drinking, maybe do drugs, anything to get away from the stress.
Eventually, Superman will either flat stop being a hero and let everyone die, or he will finally realize that being a villain is a better occupation. He would rule the Earth with a firm hand. A hand of steel. He would become everything he hated (although secretly we all know that Superman likes being above everyone else).
No one with super powers would ever be a hero. Its not worth it.
“Eventually, Superman will either flat stop being a hero and let everyone die, or he will finally realize that being a villain is a better occupation. He would rule the Earth with a firm hand. A hand of steel. He would become everything he hated (although secretly we all know that Superman likes being above everyone else).”
I may have liked the show but the sanctimonious twit Clark Kent of “Smallville” would definitely fall victim to the belief that his goodness was being wasted because of all the badness that he had seen going on in the world.
He’d give up, pork Lois Lane… her cute sisters and cousins, their cute friends, groupies, Madonna, available Khardashian chicks… and drink.
For a while, quite possibly. But let’s not forget the lessons that Groundhog Day taught us. Eventually, partying gets old. Then what’s left? Only the good that we’ve done, and the relationships we’ve built. On the other hand, how many superheroes live long enough to learn this?
“It’s all been done.”
Also in “The Dark Knight Returns”, where the superheroes have all basically retired after numerous Senate hearings and such, and in the Marvel universe’s Civil War event, where the superheroes have the choice to unmask and take orders from the gubmint, or just go away. Peter Parker chooses the former, unmasks at a presser to show the world who Spider-Man is, and quickly gets Aunt May shot as a result.
I suspect you could have gotten away with being a superhero up until, say, the late 60′s. Now, no way.
Let’s not forget in “Iron Man 2″ when the Senate decides to attack Tony Stark as the bad guy after he was the one who singlehandedly took out the Taliban in the first movie. Solving problems is not in the interest of politicians who need problems around to propose nonsensical solutions to keep getting elected.
Oh and don’t even get started on what a real life Batman, Nightwing, Daredevil or Venom (anti-hero sometimes) would do to a bad person to save people. The ACLU would be over them like ants on rotten food.
Being a superhero: It’s a thankless job but someone’s got to do it.
Right you are, Chris.
Also in DKR, Batman (kinda) kills the Joker in the middle of a county fair killing spree and ends up with a murder warrant on his head.
If Christianity is true to its claims, then I nominate the Lord Jesus Christ as a super-hero. Maybe the only true super-hero in history. Turned water into wine. Fed a multitude with just a handful of bread and fish. Healed the sick. Made the blind see. Cast out demons. Walked on water. Raised the dead back to life. Came back from the dead Himself. Transported himself, if the accounts of his life after resurrection are to be believed. This leaves aside His spiritual impact and the influence He had on the course of history, based on a preaching career that last all of about three or four years, even though he wrote no books and commanded no armies.
And look at what we did to Him. Jesus cast demons from ten men and, what, out of the ten, only one returned to thank Him? And total shits that we are, as a reward all for his good works and teachings, we crucified Him.
I’d say that pretty well puts the cherry on top of your case, John.
Well, to be precise, Christ’s mission was to be crucified. All the miracles and teaching just lead up to that. Remember, Christ was to be the ultimate scapegoat and die for our sins in order to give us the Gift of Grace. So the crucifixion wasn’t an unjust payback, it was part of the plan from the beginning.
> So the crucifixion wasn’t an unjust payback, it was part of the plan from the beginning.
It couldn’t have been both?
The X-men faced this all the time, as did the entire Marvel universe in the Civil War series.
While the X-men had some fans, mostly people feared them for their powers. Ironically the more heroic they were and the more powerful the enemies they defeated, the stronger the calls for “Mutant Registration” became, and more powerful Sentinel models were built.
In the Civil War cycle, supers were given a choice: join the government super force, or else. It was really a damned if you do, damned sooner if you don’t deal thanks to Stark and Reid Richards, including many big named heroes. Just like the US Civil War, the “powerful central government” side won.
So yes, government would hate you most of all because they can’t control you, and even if you joined up, they’d only be watching you more closely.
All the other points are good, too. People would be glad of you at first, then expect you do do everything and finally hate you when you don’t or ask to be paid for your services.
“we” didn’t crucify him. I wasn’t even born yet.
Christ died for the remission of ALL sin – past, present and future. Including yours and mine.
We saw the lawsuits in The Incredibles.
And the EPA in Ghostbusters.
I think you’re right.
Larry Niven’s “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” is an honest attempt at describing the reality of being Superman. At the end of the day, he’s a single, alien orphan, condemned to a lonely existence.
His frustrations at the pitiful human, especially with dealing with government, could very well flip him. Skin impervious to bullets could not stop a vast feeling of loneliness and depression.
You can find the Niven short story posted here. Fun story -
http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html
Cheers -
I’ve often wondered why Superman just didn’t fly out into space and never come back. In the DC universe, alien life is known to exist and Superman has dealt with them on occasion and even been to other planets. Certainly out there somewhere must be something a bit more like Krypton. Then again, since Krypton was destroyed in part by war, maybe Earth does feel like home.
Perhaps the upbringing he got from his adoptive family keeps him there instead, that sense of honor, duty and loyalty.
I think you’re right.
In the movie “Superman III,” his foster mom Martha Kent has passed away, and of course Clark Kent has his own career as a newspaper reporter–but he still refuses to sell the Kent family farm. He won’t abandon his heritage.
This was very well done in the Superman animated series, in an early episode in which Lois (and dozens of other witnesses) see Clark Kent’s car explode and plummet over the edge of a bridge.
Lois, heartbroken, calls to console the Kents, whose curious lack of emotion catches her notice. They explain, “I guess it’s just the shock, it doesn’t feel real.” But of course the real reason is that a very frustrated Supes is sitting at the table next to them. They say that he could always just be Superman all the time, or even set up as someone else, and they would understand. “But I AM Clark!” he yells. “I’ll go crazy if I can’t be Clark!”
Incidentally this is why Bill was full of it at the end of Kill Bill 2. Everything that makes Superman powerful is because he’s Kal-El, but everything that makes him a hero is because he’s Clark. The animated DC shows are pretty much definitive versions of those characters.
I definitely agree. But all of these reasons are why I still enjoy reading and writing superhero stories–because they’re a great way to explore human frailty and even the question of what makes us human. Having powers, or even just being someone in a position of great responsibility, is incredibly isolating.
The “Hellboy” comics (and the films, to some extent) played with this idea. Hellboy was born a demon, but because he was raised by a loving human father, he thinks like a human and finds himself striving to protect his adopted species against the same world that spawned him. He has to face the fact that he was actually created to destroy things, and that if he wants, he has the power to do exactly that. It’s not a pleasant dichotomy for him, but it makes a heck of a fascinating read.
If only democrats would have such an epiphany.
Liberals have antibodies against epiphanies.
Obviously, nobody would realistically want to be a real-life superhero in the old fashioned western “saviour” mould since that would breed complacency / dependency among normal people as well as also place an inhuman burden on the small minority of super-powered individuals (that have revealed themselves to the public) at saving the world / solving everyone’s problems / etc instead of normal people being responsible for their own actions / safety / lives and being inspired to fight injustice.
The superpowered individuals would also likely find it very tempting to be corrupted by their celebrity status (See: The Boys by Garth Ennis or even Light from Death Note who manages to hide his secret identity until the end) and that is not even mentioning the unrealistic stereotype of bringing villains to justice without executing them so they can continue to fight / kill another day, which to me pretty much screams the aphorism that those who are kind to the cruel end up being cruel to the kind (that fits many western superheroes to a tee).
Yet while the western superheroes have become clichéd, there is an undeniable appeal of otherwise unremarkable individuals possessing as much power (or potential power) as entire nations / superpowers, the potential consequences of which are fascinating to delve into were such a scenario actually a frighteningly realistic possibility.
Played correctly, a mature unpretentious super-powered individual without a savour-complex whose many abilities are used very sparingly and in a subtle manner (so as to not attract attention) apart from those abilities that promote protecting his/her secret identity (e.g. shapeshifting / DNA copying / etc similar to Aptom from the Guyver manga series), who is not reliant on easily traceable / exploitable stuff like possessing enhanced/alien/synthetic DNA, amulets, cybernetic enhancements / mobile-suits with advanced technology (virus anyone?), yet possesses a killer instinct like the Punisher or ability to disable / debilitate / wipe memory like Kenshiro when the situation arises should have no problems living a relatively quiet life in the real-world and doing good behind the scenes.
You have some good points there. However, any action the hero takes would leave a trace if only the deed itself. Enough bad guys getting roughed up, rubbed out, or just vanishing would establish a pattern. It might not lead directly to the hero, but traps could be set to lure them out and try to catch them.
Now consider this also. How would the people and government really react to a very powerful person in their midst? Let’s take a look at just two examples from D&D. One scenario had an entity trying to move “Earth” into another plane where everything would die. Another scenario has the characters trying to stop the designs of a demon prince attempting to become a god by wreaking untold chaos on their home world.
Suppose they are successful. What would they all think about the handful of people who a) fought through an alien city and killed its overload and henchmen to save the planet, or b) made deals with demons, fought along side hordes of demons and hosts of angles again other hordes of demons, and, if successful, end up on a first name basis with deities? Sure some people might be fans, but look at how most react to someone openly carrying a gun in public. Now imagine a person who’s power makes the gun seems like a wet noodle on a good day. What about government? Again, we see what they think of gun owners, so imagining all but the staunchest libertarians calling for their regulation or even exile isn’t a stretch. Perhaps that’s why so many high level campaigns end up going off world into other planes of existence: it wouldn’t be much fun living on a planet where most people quaked in fear at your mere presence or governments constantly watching you and plotting against you.
You are operating from the assumption that a super-powered individual (as opposed to outright heroes, anti-heroes, villains and anti-villains) would be completely intoxicated with their abilities to the point where they will always recklessly or actively seek out trouble / conflict in a repetitive manner for a pattern to begin forming, while not bothering to take serious precautions to protect their anonymity.
While I agree that the global establishment and countless governments would do their best to neutralize any super-powered individuals by any means necessary (including recruiting, enticing, etc) in order to preserve the status quo as well as maintain their monopoly on power / violence / defence (/ etc), you are ascribing too much real-world power to such groups since at the end of the day as much as those typically corrupt institutions would like everyone else (including themselves) to believe otherwise, they are neither nor will ever be close to being omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresence or even omniprescient (like in minority report in the case of the latter).
The non-powered public would of course make calls for the regulation / exile / death of all super-powered individuals (with the threatened global establishment doing all they can to manipulate the public against such individuals), yet in real-life within the context of today’s world, they would likely be as effective as those idiots who believe they can free Tibet by going on hunger strike cuffing themselves to trees while the PRC continue to flood Tibet with Chinese or calling for global nuclear disarmament by gathering around a burning dustbin chanting slogans while nuclear weapons continue to proliferate among rogue states (Iran, North Korea, Pakistan, etc).
There is also that possibility that the world would simply leave the super-powered individuals alone so long as the latter follows the golden rule (while being allowed to freely use their abilities at their own individual discretion / whim in return for remaining anonymous) or even have countries make “pacts of amity” with the powered-individuals as was the case with Yujiro Hanma from Baki the Grappler series to use a villain example (although in reality it was more of their submission to him for fear of his strength), since the world has more pressing problems that cannot be blamed on the existence of super-powered individuals.
You have some good points.
The supers probably could force a peace by using guerrilla warfare. If the politicians themselves were the targets,even if not killed, pretty soon they’d be sealed up in secure bunkers and begging to be left alone.
On the other hand, if they managed to get together enough precogs (and not just three as in Minority Report)they could have strike teams to pull the the same trick on the supers by locating them alone or in small groups and striking with overwhelming force, or setting ambushes at known targets.
The Supers would possibly not even have to make use of their powers against the politicians and even without the latter having precogs or even an imprisoned Kwisatz Haderach (from the Dune Series) at their disposal, their ultimate loyalty / information towards the anti-politicians / normal people would always be considered suspect by the latter. The Supers would only have to discredit the establishment enough times so that their rule is seen as illegitimate in the eyes of normal people and in serious need of replacement whether via revolution or in much less violent manner, which would cause any self-interested politician to fold sooner or later.
Even once the anti-Super politicians are out of power, the Supers do not even have to assume power for themselves though they would make sure that future political establishments of the normal world do not interfere in the affairs of Supers in return for peaceful co-existence.
Whether that would entail covering up the existence of Supers to the public or revealing their existence while maintaining their privacy, I cannot say though the Supers would proabably self-regulate themselves and go after any super-powered malcontents.
Superman never made any money, saving the world from Solomon Grundy
I’d prefer becoming the supersmart guy who figures out how to make a fortune and can manipulate the weaker minded into doing his bidding, like the hero in “Limitless.”
Seriously, we should consider outstanding entrepreneurial and fortune-making abilities as superpowers. The U.S. government already has an official policy of persecuting such people because of fear of their superiority over ordinary mortals.
Also, it’s highly unlikely that the government- any government- is going to let “super-powered” individuals run around loose. They’re going to want those individuals working for them, and nobody else.
It’s the same principle as the military, or police. Or, for that matter, gun control. Governments prefer to have the means of violence in their jurisdictions under their exclusive control. They are willing to “take steps” to see that it happens that way.
A government that will not trust a common citizen with a semi-automatic rifle without extensive background checks, or anything heavier at all, is not going to react well to, say, Superman. Definable as “Walking And/Or Flying Weapon Of Mass Destruction, And No, We Don’t Care That He’s Really A Nice Boy From Middle America”.
Martin Greenberg once observed (re Tom Clancy’s novel Clear And Present Danger) that once a government decides a threat is serious enough that it will step outside the law to deal with it, it is essentially unstoppable. Governments have resources even the likes of George “Ernst Stavro Blofeld” Soros can only dream about. When confronted by a threat of the level presented by Superman, or even the likes of the Hulk or Iron Man, you can be sure those resources would be put into action ASAP.
The “super being” would probably be given two choices; surrender and go to work for the government by a certain “drop-dead” date, or… drop dead, with the government giving them a hand in the process. (More like a boot up the rear, actually.) Period. There would be no negotiation.
And rest assured, whatever said “super being’s” vulnerability was, the government’s forces would know about it, and be equipped with it up front, before the ultimatum was sent or broadcast. When dealing with the equivalent of Gojira in the “potential property damage/loss of life” department, you hit it with your Sunday Punch up front, the Japanese Ground Self-Defense Force notwithstanding.
As for “secret identities”, shape-shifters like the Hulk (aka Bruce Banner) might be able to pull it off, for a while. That is, until someone runs the Hulk’s fingerprints against a database of, say, former government employees with high security clearances, and notices that they are the same as one Dr. Banner’s, except three times as big and embedded in every piece of metal he grabs onto like they’ve been put there by a hydraulic press. As for Clark Kent, going back to the original 1938 Action Comics No. 1, two words; Selective Service.
Jennifer Walters, aka the She-Hulk, wouldn’t have a chance. “The She-Hulk’s prints we took off the guardrail she hit Titania with match Walters’ prints on her Public Defender file. And, guess what?- She’s Bruce Banner’s first cousin; familial DNA match of 94%.” Game, set, match. This probably explains why “Shulkie” didn’t bother with all the “secret identity” crap- she’s not stupid, and she knows the criminal justice system inside and out.
Probably the most realistic treatment of this was in the relaunched Fantastic Four title of 1998- in which Dr. Richards & Co. basically ended up working for SHIELD. I suspect most such individuals could look forward to the same thing.
Of course, they’d have to be careful who their boss was. Nick Fury might view them as soldiers of the same side as himself, but the likes of Henry P. Gyrich would more probably define them as “expendable assets”.
Still, there is a sort of tradition of such individuals in society. An ad blurb for the First Comics Badger title of twenty-five or so years ago went “Put On A Costume And Fight Crime In The Streets? You’d Have To Be CRAZY!”
Badger was very popular with police officers around these parts. That blurb pretty much sums up why.
cheers
eon
That was basically the story behind the Marvel Civil War cycle. Supers were given a choice of joining up or else. Of course, joining up was still frequently only a delayed or else anyway, particularly with Stark and Fury running the show.
The storylines were messy, but if I remember right, there were some writers who felt that just registering as a mutant in the Civil War storyline was an excuse for the government to call you up and compel you to become active. I think this happened to She-Hulk who had registered but elected to remain a complete civilian. She was compelled to enter the fight under the registration act by the government, sort of like having registered for selective service.
So, even though the idea was that you could register and remain civilian, it seemed clear the government could force you to enter service if they chose.
She Hulk was called up at one point and still got put down by the government, specifically Stark. I didn’t read the entirety of the Civil War series because it was so broad. However, it didn’t seem like supers had much of a choice. You signed up and served or else. Maybe the less impressive ones could get away with it for a while but eventually it would be their turn.
The same would probably hold true of anyone, or any group, which had abilities or attributes above and beyond the norm. The end result would almost certainly be either the “supers” being exiled to some place the government could keep them controlled (and exploit them), or the “supers” exiling themselves, to someplace the government(s) couldn’t get at them.
Methuselah’s Children by Robert A. Heinlein is a textbook example of this. And the Howard Families’ only “super power” was that they tended to live a bit longer than the average. OK, in Lazarus Long’s case, a whole lot longer.
That alone was enough to trigger the government trying to round them up, for “experimentation”. (“Paging Dr. Mengele, Dr. Mengele, please pick up the red courtesy phone…”) While the government was exhorting everyone to “help” them turn themselves in “for the greater good”.
cheers
eon
That is one of the few novels by Heinlein that I haven’t yet read. I can certainly see anyone with a longer lifespan being prime targets for government labs. That is why it would really stink to be an immortal on Earth with no means to leave it. You’d eventually end up being the crazy hermit living in increasingly remote and inhospitable places.
“Badger” – yes, from Barneveld, Wisconsin! He was, like Batman, a human with no super powers, outside of phenomenal martial arts skills. “Badger”, aka Norbert Sykes, was one wriggling mass of insecurities – raised by a brutal, racist stepfather who abused him, he was a Viet Nam vet driven crazy by his long-time captivity with the Viet Cong. “Badger” was just one Norbert’s multiple personalities (which included a gay man-about-town and and 8-year-old girl named Emily). Badger’s wife was a Vietnamese veterinarian who could converse with animals ala Dr. Dolittle. “Badger” and “The Punisher” (a Viet Nam vet turned urban vigilante) were my two favorite “super heroes”.
If recent media behavior is any indication, the media would hate supers like Superman the most. He seems to be absolutely moral, a perfect Boy Scout. Look at examples of celebs who seem to be paragons of virtue in today’s world. The media goes out of their way to find any flaw they can and exploit it. The media delights in tearing down any person who seems to be actually good. They’re waiting for Tebow to put a foot out of place. They finally got Armstrong (who may have sunk himself with doping).
But the point is that they can’t stand anything or anyone that actually seems to be truly good for any reason. Superman wouldn’t stand a chance. He’d be openly mocked and derided every chance they got.
Agreed. The very existence of a superhero would be unfair. Why should Superman have all that power? What did he do to deserve it?
That theme has been explored too.
There are some super-individuals–not sure I’d call them superheroes–who work both sides of the street, so to speak. Catwoman and the Green Hornet come to mind.
In today’s ambiguous world, they might get more admiration for flouting both criminals and the law and just doing their own thing, than a Boy Scout like Superman.
Which explains why Son Gohan preferred living a quiet life in the mountains and commuting to work as an engineer rather than taking credit for his victories as a superhero. Well that and the fact that he wound up as a PTSD case before graduating high school. Fighting intergalactic wars while your peers are in kindergarten only to come back to Earth and fight killing machines will do that to you.
This reminds me of the first “Village of the Damned” movie, where you have the genetically altered children become targets of the British government, first to be used as weapons, and then to be killed because they were a perceived threat.
all variations on super powers would lead to the super “hero” realizing that the government is the real enemy behind the evil that the hero is fighting and thus the real fight is against the political establishment aka enablers of evil, purveyors of evil. Most modern superhero episodes do point out that the government is the problem. We live in the twilight zone. For your consideration, the effort to protect criminals of all sorts and the insane notion that we are safer if we take away the ability of any good citizen to protect themselves, their loved ones, their neighbors, the world (rules of engagement only apply to beloved armed forces personnel and not to the enemy).
Misogynist Man to the rescue!
The number one reason for being a super hero? Just think of all that sweet tang you would be getting.
Are you ever going to post a column you didn’t rip off from Cracked.com?
Also with Obama around who needs superheroes?
Did any of you throw up in your cornflakes when you saw the picture the White House released showing the president hearing about the Sandy Hook massacre?
This post:”Obama Worships Obama” just about sums it up at:
http://john-moloney.blogspot.com/
Why You mean to Hulk? Hulk not even use internet. Hulk feeeeeelings hurt. Hulk need lawyer.
Oh wow what an original and insightful deconstruction of snorrrrrrre…….
Whoa hey, I’m back! Oh gee, must’ve dozed off– made the mistake of reading the column.
I read this while in the waiting room at the physicians office. I couldn’t help but bust out laughing. I got the expected odd looks and didn’t try to explain.
Rather than over analyze like some of the readers who posted comments, I just want to say thanks for the laugh … I needed it today!
This one is a keeper.
I didn’t dislike this column as much as many people, but it did make me think of two things.
First, oh boo-hoo-hoo. It’s so tough being a superhero. Imagine how horrible it would be if superheros did exist. Check out New York City in the Marvel universe. So many disasters have happened there that 9/11 would be a small story on page ten of the Daily Planet (sorry about mixing publishers). The life expectancy of a New Yorker in a superhero comic is about four panels.
But among all the horrible things facing superheros in the real world, I couldn’t help but wonder about the idea of facing sexy Persian girls who want to have sex with superheros so they can videotape them and use the tapes for blackmail. Where do I go to become a superhero? What kind of blackmail are we talking about? If we are talking about married male superheros I think that is only about 1% of the male superhero graphic. I’m not saying that all superheros are gay (although we all know that Bruce loves Dick), but there are very few people who are ready to condemn single men for having sex these days.
So, if there is a chance of sexy Persian women coming on to me, please send me to Superhero School. Also alert the Chinese that I’m ready to be blackmailed. In fact, if the North Koreans can find a sexy woman (emaciation is not a turn-on), send her too. I promise to be as mortified if videos of me having sex come out as Paris Hilton was.
You’ve missed one – you’d be accused of being discriminatory for not using your powers to disporportionally benefit certian ethnic and socio-economic groups. If you worked primarily in North America, for example, you’d be accused of discriminating against those in the Global South.
There are some possibilities for successful superheroing:
SexGodMan – Doesn’t fight crime. Just brings endless orgasms to women. Ruins them for other men. Hmm, that might be a super villain.
SuperLawyer – Can’t be beaten in court. Bring your best case, gubmint, and I will assert my civil rights in court. Hmm, really might be a super villain, or easily become one.
SuperPolitician – Uh, wait, that would be a super villain.
Regarding point one, “Glasses on, Clark Kent. Glasses off, “Hello, Superman!”, that case was as much an attitude thing as anything else. Try this on the size.
“I think Joe Biden is secretly Allahpundit.”
“You’re crazy!”
“Am I really? Have you seen them together at the same time?”
Regarding points two through four, that’s where the secret identity is essential.
And for the fifth point, that “painful death” thing works if you’ve resigned yourself ahead of time that some day you’ll lose but it’s more important that you go down bravely. Works for Thor….
Somebody had the superpower to rope me into reading this trash.
That said, regarding “glasses on, Clark Kent/glasses off, Superman,” it should be obvious: The glasses amplify a subconscious hypnotic power.
Frankly, I don’t know what all the hoo-ha is about. That is not my experience at all. Glasses really are a good cover. But I prefer the Moe hair cut for mine. In real life, my hair looks normal. But when duty calls, I just do the furious Curly head swipe with my hands, and I’m good to go. And people are more grateful than you give them credit for. I haven’t been sued once. As far as government interference goes, they couldn’t find their own derriere with two hands and a flashlight. Just ask Bin Laden. I finally just dropped a dime on him, to make them look good. Like you said, we can’t do everything. Nor should we.
The Incredibles, Hancock, and Watchmen were the most “realistic” superhero movies. They all ran into multiple issues on the list.