7 Lies Women Need to Stop Telling Themselves
3. He’s just not ready for a relationship yet.
It seems like you’re stuck in that “just dating” phase. You go out a few times a month, you have a great time, you’re sleeping together, everything seems perfect. But he refuses to make it official. He’s still seeing other girls, he refuses to make plans with you in advance, or — worst of all! — he won’t change his relationship status on Facebook. Your friends keep asking you what the deal with this guy is, and you keep wondering when he’s going to seal the deal. And you give that infamous excuse: he’s just not ready for a relationship yet.
But, of course, if you stick it out long enough, he’ll surely stop messing around and give you the magical “girlfriend” title, right?
Wake up, sweetheart. If a guy wants to be exclusive with you, he will be. If he refuses to make a commitment, it isn’t because he’s not ready. It’s because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship… with you. If he felt that strongly for you, then he’d take you off the market. And that doesn’t make him a jerk or you an idiot. There’s nothing wrong with casual dating. But if you’re looking for something deeper and he’s just not delivering, don’t lie to yourself about why. Kiss the guy goodbye and find someone who’s crazy enough about you to make it real.
The classic demotivator at despair.com got it right: The one common demoninator in all your failed relationships is you.
Is this anything like electing again and again “representatives of the People” of these United States?
Some selected life-long, for example “The Father of the Senate” Edward Kennedy. Elected by modern, with-it, sophistiated, intelligent even intellectual residentss of Massachusetts. Home of Harvard and other “elite” schools of “higher learning”.
As consolation prize for having placed himself out of the running for the highest honour in the gift of the citizens. The “little people”, those sexist, racist, guns and religion bigot and ignorant astro-turf? citizens’ of the “flyover,redstates”. When his egregious character defects could no longer be contained by his PR and propaganda troops in legacy media, in academia and government. Other examples N.Pelosi, H. Reid and their ilk.
Many of these with uncritical life-time tenure identified as “democrats” and friends.
Among whom we ought not to forget the present “revered elder statesman” and “pillar” of the intellectual, social and political “elite” of the West
and East Coasts William Jefferson Clinton. The first “feminist” and Kennedy clone who “loves” wimmin,and in turn is “loved” by them. AND ditto the first “black” President.
None so blind as those who WILL NOT SEE?
1. A man is not afraid of his feelings. He’s afraid of your feelings and of all the irrationality, turmoil and expense they’ll cause in his life.
2. Don’t even think of calling yourself attractive if you’re overweight, even by as little as 10 pounds. Get the damned pastry, ice cream and snacks out of your life.
3. No serious man wants to marry a woman who does drugs, smokes, or drinks to excess.
4. Don’t imagine that your clothing, shoes and jewelry mean anything at all to him. He knows you’re dressing primarily for display to other women, not for him. If you’re truly attractive, he wouldn’t care if you were wearing a burlap sack and flip-flops.
5. Don’t imagine you’re smart because you’re well versed in the subjects and activities that women care about and enjoy. He’ll consider you smart if you’re well versed in the subjects and activities that he cares about.
6. If you care deeply about “women’s issues,” keep it to yourself … always. Men see such passions as a play for unearned privilege.
7. He will assume that if you oblige him sexually before marriage, you’ve obliged a lot of other men. Men don’t yearn to be married to a well shagged woman.
8. In your quest for a permanent relationship, your true enemies are not the “jerks” who waste your time and devastate your emotions. Your true enemies are the pornography industry and the other loose women eager to show him “how good it can be.”
9. If he so much as suspects that you are trying to manipulate him, he will intensely resent it.
10. He knows that every little issue between you and him will be thoroughly vetted with every girlfriend you have. He hates this and will edit his interactions with you accordingly.
Amen! (Esp. #4 – it’s amazing how many women don’t really realize that).
You sir are a sage.
I would also add that when women “dress up” they implicitly communicate how materialistic they are. If you dress up in the latest fashions and wear expensive brands, you’re going to scare away guys who have a financial plan that doesn’t involve showering you with expensive gifts.
Wear something simple that compliments your figure and be yourself.
There’s a corollary to #4:
A woman should ask herself how attractive she’ll seem to her guy, when they wake up in bed the next morning and she isn’t wearing her makeup, hairdo, clothing, jewelry or deodorant anymore.
From personal experience, I can tell you that is quite a transformation.
These are all on point. I would add #8:
#8-Telling yourself that riding the C@ck Carousel is Empowering. It isn’t. No QUALITY guy is going to think that you sleeping with the multitudes is cool. What you give away easily becomes worthless.
This somehow reminds me of a poster I saw of a drop-dead model standing alluringly next to a $250k Ferrari. The caption read, “In the end, the Ferrari is cheaper”.
Cheers.
That vid of the “guys are intimidated by you” lady is terrifying. How utterly neurotic and deluded.
As a woman I am harder on my own gender than on men. I will quote what another poster wrote a couple of months ago: The modern American woman is worthless. Time to turn that around, Ladies. We are the keepers of the culture. If our culture is dying the women are to blame.
“We are the keepers of the culture.” Just another incredibly arrogant feminist myth you need to disabuse yourself of before you can become a real human being and get a date.
It’s not a feminist myth, it’s tradition, Bozo. In my family I am the one who makes sure the traditions are passed on, talked about and practiced. Historically, the job of women in society is to care for the husband, the home, and the children. As a homemaker, it has been up to the woman to support the husband and care for the house; as a mother, the role was to care for the children and pass along cultural traditions and values to the children. I don’t think you even paid attention to the other stuff I wrote. You don’t know squat about me — happily married for 29 years.
Right, women are the only ones who pass on any traditions, or cultural mores. I’m with Jake on this one. I think that’s more than just a bit presumptuous of you.
Good Gravy! Of course I agree with that assessment. He didn’t need to be nasty about it especially since I was putting women down for goodness sake.
This is typical of women who are selectively feminist: on the one hand, only they (not the man, no) care about “cultural traditions and values”; on the other hand, they bite anyone who calls them on their diminishment of men; and ON THE OTHER HAND, they live off a man economically. So which is it? Equality this moment, emotional superiority the next, economic dependency the third. I feel sorry for anyone in a 29 year relationship in which the man is disinterested in the emotional and cultural health of the children. And I feel sorry for any man whose wife thinks he’s emotionally stunted and disinterested in being an moral and cultural example for his children.
To clarify my sharp response. Women as sole keepers of culture is indeed part of the feminist orthodoxy. And it’s repeated so often that it’s become part of the popular culture and even slips into the conversation of people who don’t realize what they are saying. I’ve it heard glibly declared all too often, thus my curt retort.
My point is to hold that culture, which encompasses all human endeavor on this planet, is the sole provenance of one gender is crazy beyond belief and won’t stand up to the most casual scrutiny.
On a personal level, it’s good what you do for your family. Has your husband never spoken with or taught your children? I bet he has. And I bet what you’ve both passed along to them is different and complimentary…and sometimes conflicting because you know different things and have led different lives.
Both men and women have a full share of cultural responsibility and ‘keeping’. Since men and women communicate differently and know different things, it may be you are not completely aware of when, what, and how your husband is passing along his knowledge and feel you are the only one doing it. That has been my experience and observation. But, believe me, he’s doing it. It’s natural in a parent.
In the greater cultural sense, men have always been at the forefront of cultural preservation, dissemination and innovation. I’m sure you’re familiar with all of the famous names in every sphere of human activity, so I won’t go into it.
So, when I hear such glib ignorant arrogance (from women these days mostly), which, by the way, causes other women to write multitudes of 7 point do and don’t articles for each other, all of which is more than tedious, I bark.
If a guy said casually, “Well, you know, women are solely responsible for transmitting moral and cultural values to the children, while the man is cared for and nurtured by a woman”, the hoots, cackles and brickbats from the XX community would break eardrums. “Moral and social retards!” they would declaim. In general, one of the things women need to learn to do, if they are going to assert parity and freedom in their post-feminist world view, is spare us quite so many of the double standards.
Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. When women give away sex without demanding commitment (i.e. marriage) in return, men stop committing. Result? Rampant abortion, STDs, bastardry, and perpetual adolescence.
OK everyone, I accept when I am beaten and humbly bow to the chastisement. Let me say that as a conservative Christian woman it was never my intention to leave men out or to ignore their god-given role as leaders of the family and shapers of the next generation. Honest, I have nothing but praise for our American husbands and fathers. I was trying to make a point about modern women failing in their own roles. Peace?
decanner, don’t be too quick to concede. You’re at least partially right. What women used to be, and should still be, are the keepers of female sexual availability. Women having sex out of wedlock were once exposed, scorned and shunned by other women, at least in polite society. Alienation of affection lawsuits were possible. Women were also the main bulwark against the cheap sexualization of everything in society we see around us today: pornography, sex clubs, hooker clothing, bordellos, etc. But, today, we see women touting acceptance of such female behavior as empowering and voting in their majority for politicians who rail against curtailment as a violation of privacy rights. The end result has been the creation of a relationship between the sexes that favors the single man and an explosion in out-of-wedlock births, single motherhood, and one-night stands. For all this, you can thank the feminists. Secretly, men already do.
Thanks, I guess.
Convervative women get fired on by the left all the time. You’d think conservative men would offer a respite but no, we’re target practice for them too. Unfortunately since we love and respect men we’re very slow moving targets.
You will not gain an inch with this crowd of misogynistic men, even when you agree with them. I give you credit for trying, though. You’re tougher than I am (or perhaps just thicker?) Best.
I’m surprised at the heat dcanner took here. I think she’s basically right. She’s talking about traditions within a family. In most families, who is it who decorates the house for holidays, who plans families outings, who spends the most time with the children, etc etc? Surely that’s mostly the mother. Do fathers contribute? Of course. But mothers do most of it. I think her comment is the opposite of feminism. A feminist would say that women and men have basically the same role in a family … no, they’d say EXACTLY the same role. It’s the crazy extremist traditionalists like dcanner and myself who say that men and women have different roles in a marriage and a family, and that society is better off when each does what they do best rather than men trying to act like women and women trying to act like men.
Thanks, Jay. I should have expected the response and been more careful with my words. I see conservative women eviscerated often on these “male/female” relationship articles. It brings out the BoBBs (Brotherhood of Bitter Bachelors) and the Masculinists. I understand why they exist and I agree with 99% of what they say, but the attacks on conservative women is wholly misdirected and it dilutes the strength of their message.
Your heart being in the right place isn’t enough. You’ve got to be right.
It’s TEACHERS (including parents of course) who pass on culture.
And teachers have utterly FAILED. And purposely since the 1960s.
It was my mother who made us a church-going family. My father gladly went along and participated in leadership roles in the church but it was she who instigated our family’s formal moral training.
She was also the one who hit my brother upside the head with her purse when she caught him smoking in the woods with a friend.
Dad was The Enforcer.
This column & the rather frightening videos that accompany it is just another reason why i’m soooooo glad I chose to go my own way & have nothing to do with the wretched institution of marriage
I’m divorced, middle-aged, and considered attractive physically and financially. I was married for 25 years and I enjoyed it. Dating is a challenge because I might meet one woman per year who does not want to get married, so desperately, that it’s very hard to tell who really likes me and enjoys my company, and who is just trying to solve their so-called marriage problem. This article essentially endorses that bias, as each of the “lies” are behaviors that diminish a woman’s marriage prospects, as though there is no other reason to pursue a monogamous relationship. Women, particularly grown-up women who’ve been married and divorced, would be less cavalier if they were not so favored by divorce law, and had had their finances and their relationships with their children badly compromised by divorce conventions.
The other issue I encounter (my demographic cohort is (broadly) upscale/executive/educated) is pretty annoying, and that is the selective deployment of feminist rhetoric, as a means of managing men. Within five minutes a woman can lecture you in some effort to demonstrate their second-wave feminist perfection — and then joke about being taken care of as a new age Cinderella. It’s pretty astonishing how they often play both sides of the street. Don’t get me started on how little I enjoy being hustled for drinks and dinner by professional, educated women who assert their equality.
I agree strongly with the comments above about gossiping with girlfriends/mothers/siblings. One reason for any rational human to maintain discretion and distance is to protect himself, and his intimate secrets (emotional, sexual, financial) from being exploited for girls’ night entertainment.
A woman who has never been married, and regrets that, incidentally, should not imagine this as the man’s fault. Or, I can make up for your 20 years of childless frustration, if you will restore to me the 25 years of time NOT spent in single-hood adventures, while I was taking care of other people and the upscale single female was taking vacations at Macchu Pichu and climbing Kilimanjaro. I’ve met many women of the Katie Bolick variety, who become angry because they can’t, in their late 30′s or early 40′s, backdate their selves so that they can have a baby and a house and a provider, after spending 20 years denying the relevance of each of those things. This reveals the emotional maturity of a 12 year-old.
In general, I would encourage women to attempt to remember how, with innocence and sincerity, they interacted with men in high school and college, or shortly thereafter. When we were broke college kids we shared expenses, time, and hope, among other things. We were friends, we weren’t solving the “I have to get married” problem. My experience is that innocence and sincerity and humility are immediately rewarded with same. Sure, we all get bruised by time, but, IMO everyone by now has figured out the price of an unhealthy, unloving relationship, and that price is too high.
There’s another layer to this as well. Something I’ve observed countless times, but rarely seen in print.
There’s a certain brand of female that uses chronic dating as a form of self-actualization. She experiences her power through the process of sexual selection. If she were to choose a man she could actually build a relationship with, she would have to give up that power and the thrill of wielding it.
So instead, she deliberately chooses males she has no future with. Then when things go awry, she runs to her support system (friends and family) to complain about him and get the requisite sympathy. This rebuilds her to begin the process anew.
For this type of female, the thrill of selective power, dating the bad boy, and getting her support network to anesthetize her to the consequences of her own actions outweighs any fear of ending up alone. For fear of the future is a characteristic belonging to a long-term thinker, not someone looking for an actor to briefly star in their self-absorbed production of “Me, me, me.”
I agree, but only until they’re about 37-38. Then the ticking clock panic hits and many simply lose their minds. They will do anything to get married, and just about anything to get pregnant. (I know four who got pregnant in order to get married, then dumped the man within five years and went after his money.) Suddenly, they’re entitled to a lifelong loving relationship with a man who will care for them — only they have never been in a loving relationship, because as you note, they’ve only got training in securing men who feed their narcissism.
This is just another example of women pretending to understand men enough to give other women advice and analysis. Too many mistakes her to list but here’s a couple big ones to chew on:
–You Say “You don’t need to sleep with someone in order to make your bond stronger. If you do have this amazing connection, then you don’t need sex to solidify it. And if he’s any kind of decent man who is actually interested in you, then he’ll wait anyway”. “Good Guys” don’t have to wait for sex….it’s readily available everywhere with everyone. I’m not saying to sleep with everyone….certainly stop sleeping with jerks….but if you find a good one you better sleep with him relatively quickly. You have to use some good judgement and most guys out there are morons and it’s not so hard to pick out the good ones.
–You say “Wake up, sweetheart. If a guy wants to be exclusive with you, he will be. If he refuses to make a commitment, it isn’t because he’s not ready. It’s because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship… with you. ” WOW…that is so far from reality. Men very well might not be ready for a relationship or commitment and you have nothing to do with making them ready and couldn’t if you wanted to. The way it works for the guys that are exceptional is that they become ready for that commitment and then make it to the woman they’re involved with at the time.
Cassy….nothing against you but it’s impossible for you to have a man’s frame of reference just as it would be for me to have a woman’s….you just don’t have the same life experiences so you can’t speak for them. Also, I’m not speaking for all men…..just the good ones
!!
You’re an idiot. Your first point is absurdly ridiculous. Your second point, simply pathetic.
You are not speaking for all guys, and you are not even speaking for good guys. But, you have the idiot demographic all sewn up.
1. I should vote for obama.
2. I should vote for obama.
3. I should vote for obama.
4. I should vote for obama.
5. I should vote for obama.
6. I should vote for obama.
7. I should vote for obama.
McGuire, I divorced after 20 years of hell. I’m glad you were able to aviod it.
Cassy, most women can’t find men because most women suck. They think everything is theirs and everything has to go their way and if not, well then off in a huff they go. They are told by society that they are the most important things in the universe and they act like it. When they get back to wanting a 50/50 relationship, they will find it easier.
Now, let’s list the real reasons he “won’t commit”:
1. Men want sex. Very few women these days wait for marriage; many of them won’t even wait for a serious stable relationship to develop. Therefore, there is no incentive for marriage or even for serious commitment.
2. Today’s women are not reliable companions and allies against the vicissitudes of life. Instead, modern culture is mass-producing entitled, shallow, materialistic princesses. Who in the world wants to spend much time with one of those?
3. Today’s women would mostly make awful, crappy mothers. Indeed, most of them don’t have the foggiest idea what a decent mother is like, because they were raised by awful, crappy mothers, who themselves knew what good motherhood looked like, but were too busy rebelling against their parents to take notice.
(NOTE: There are, of course, exceptions to Items #2 and #3. But, increasingly, these exceptions are foreigners either literally or figuratively. Forty years ago a man might find a decent ally and mother in a Vietnamese woman he brought home from war. Nowadays he might find a treasure in a homeschooled traditionalist Catholic girl or Orthodox Jewish girl or a former Mennonite or some such thing, or a child of recent immigrants — provided they aren’t Muslims. Or, a girl might have developed really strong good character by rising above some early hardship or disability. But these are extreme rarities in the U.S. population.)
4. The divorce laws in the U.S. incentivize divorce from the married-but-unsatisfied woman’s point-of-view; and this makes marriage a deathtrap for men.
5. The hormonal contraceptives frequently used by women often suppress the hormones and neurochemistry which produce both libido and long-term bonding. This is no big deal when a woman is young enough to get libidinous easily and regularly, and when her boyfriend/husband is still sufficiently new-seeming. But as she approaches 35, most formulations of the oral contraceptive pill will leave her libido at half-power, with only the excitement of a new guy or extramarital affair being sufficiently stimulative. The result may easily be foreseen…or, if one prefers, seen in hindsight through the lens of divorce rates.
6. Between porn and romantic comedies, no real woman can live up to a man’s expectations and no real man can live up to a woman’s expectations. Sure, both sides know IN THEORY that these things are unrealistic fantasies. But they have a complete unawareness of the experience of real healthy relationships. So when a relationship begins, they have no realistic expectations of how it ought to mature; they have only the pop-culture fantasies to go on (you can’t beat something with nothing). So women’s and men’s hearts are pre-programmed to hope for, respectively, an endless courtship full of titillating romantic emotions and an endless porn scene of hot visuals and screaming orgasms.
As a consequence, the men are disappointed early on but hope things will improve with time. The women, conversely, are thrilled with the early stages of the relationship but (because real relationships don’t and shouldn’t remain at the “thrill” stage permanently) become gradually disappointed over time. And of course the more she feels this way, the less enthusiastic she is about sex.
Thus Moore’s Law comes into play: Mutual dissatisfaction doubles roughly every eighteen months. Many men have experienced this dynamic once already; but only a fool would want to experience it a second time around. Thus, the reticence about commitment. “Once bitten….”
In the end, men are willing to die for things. They’re willing to swear their loyalty to something. But today’s women are clearly not the sort who’ll stick with a guy and his kids through thick and thin. They don’t make good allies, or good lovers, or good mothers. And too many men have seen the results, for their siblings, their fathers, their older brothers, and their friends.
Why, then, would any man make a long-term commitment to a woman? Why not keep them at arms’ length, apart from the occasional entertainment of a good shagging?
Spot on.
I’m a woman, age 51, who will celebrate my 30th wedding anniversary in January…yes, I married early and missed out on some wild girl partying I probably could have had in my late 20′s. But I did enough partying with my Patient Husband (PH) to make up for that.
I don’t want to come across as smug, because I’m not. I know that finding and marrying my best friend was a gift from God. And that I should thank God every day for that gift.
That being said, here are some helpful hints I’ve picked up along the way:
1). Ladies, do not assume that a man can read your mind. They cannot. They may or may not pick up on hints you drop. If you want flowers on Valentine’s Day, tell him outright. He’ll probably get you some…especially if he’s looking for a little nookie.
2) Men, if a woman asks you, “Does this dress/these pants make me look fat?”. The correct answer is NO. If it really looks horrible, find another way to tell her to wear something else. Or spill something on it.
3) Divide up household chores based on who likes (least hates) doing various chores. Compromise is good here.
4) Nobody comes between you. Not parents, friends, siblings, kids or pets. You are each other’s phone-a-friend.
5) Pick your battles. It’s okay not to win every argument. As long as you win the ones that are important to you. And compromise.
6) If something he does pisses you off, tell him, and tell him why. And what he can do instead. Plausible alternatives will probably be fine with him.
7) Give your partner space to do stuff without you. Do stuff without him/her too.
8) Find a way to do something nice for him/her every day. Doesn’t have to be anything big. If I get a cup of coffee, I ask if he needs a refill. He does the same. You’d be surprised how far kindness and consideration go in making your life happy.
9) Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell him he’s awesome.
10) And just like in kindergarten, when you go out in the world, hold hands and stick together.
These don’t always work either. If they did, I’d still be married.
Agreed. You have to be with the right partner to begin with. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do because you’re only half of the equation.
Just goes to show you, the tried and true wisdom of; “There’s one common denominator in all your failed relationships: You.”
Yes, spot on – for American women, anyway!
A few questions for all those women who can’t seem to find a guy who will “commit”.
Exactly what is it you are offering that would make a man want to spend the rest of his life with you?
You have a big list of what you want in a guy. Have you ever asked yourself, “what is it guys want in a woman?”
Commitment means he is agreeing to start the path towards marriage to you. Is your true desire to be a wife, a mom, and later a nice old granny who still is married to him and to be buried side by side with him?
Do you want to live the rest of your life with him because of who he is, or is he just the best available choice to get you to the alter so you can have that big wedding and nice house you always dreamed of.
Women see marriage as a way to get more of what they want. Men see marriage as a way of getting less of what they want. Imagine marriage vows that required the woman to work at a paying job and to foreswear children, a nice house, and well funded shopping, all while allowing the husband to loaf and sleep around if he wanted. If that were the case, you’d probably see the magazine racks filled with “Groom” magazines, but would never see a “Bride” magazine. But, today, the reverse is the case. Gee, I wonder why?
I built a company, during which my wife terminated the family because … of whatever it is women feel when they turn 40 and their husband is still working 70 hours a week trying to create economic freedom for the family. Then, oops, I sold the company (at which point she sued me to overturn the divorce settlement that she had sought back when she assumed I would never “make it.”)
So, anyway, I sold the business, relitigated the divorce I never wanted, transitioned out of the acquirers company, and found myself in my garden most days. I would walk downtown for lunch (this is suburban DC). I couldn’t figure out what I was seeing. What were all these women doing, walking 1 mph (nowhere to go I guess) with each other, talking, sitting at cafes, talking, window shopping, talking. How does that work? I wondered, having just spent 20 years going to work in the dark. Then I realized: these women comprised my ex-wife’s cohort. I could never figure out what she did between 9-3 p.m. Now I knew. (That didn’t prevent her from demanding I do half of the housework before I left for work in the dark, however, because that’s only “fair.” So I was cleaning bathrooms and baking bread at 4 a.m. the last couple of years of our marriage.)
Getting back to the Seven Lies piece, in general I would say (I have conducted an anthropological study of educated single post-feminist females for the past 10 years) that the big lie women need to avoid is this: some women just don’t like men that well, and instead view them as vehicles for their personal expression. These are the Katie Bolicks. They don’t know what real love is, because love and sex are just the currency that they use, as faux-Cinderellas, to get other things (babies, leisure, shelter, control). Any accomplished man knows this. The Seven Lies cohort (and they’re older because they were too cool to marry young) wants to lock up a man and feels cheated when she can’t. Most of us can see this kind of woman from 500 meters. There’s really no solution to the Seven Lies female if she doesn’t find some way to learn how to love, be friends, be humble in supporting another person who is humble in return. Most of these women are just stamping their feet and yelling “Gimme!”, and most of them have the emotional maturity of 12 year-olds.
Re #5: what guys really want is a woman who needs them. That’s why intelligent women let guys open doors, carry packages, etc for them. If she’s such a super person that she doesn’t need a man to do anything for her, that’s just what she’ll get.
“Guys don’t care about how much money you make.”
Now that is just crazy talk.
Hahahaha! Thanks, I needed that.
If you are sexually promiscuous (including serial monogamy), don’t even think about pursuing a relationship until you have stopped all hormonal contraception and gone a year without sex. That will purge your brain and body of the hormonal storm that has been clouding your judgment, and maybe you’ll be able to bond properly again. There’s no guarantee this will work, but not doing it is a near guarantee of failure.
Actually I blame Prince William for #4 – all it takes is some fantasy guy like the Prince for women to expect that it will be different for them. Get real women.
A few years ago I read a comment by a young single woman about what she was looking for in a life partner. One of them was, “I want someone who will make me pancakes on Sunday morning.”
This particular requirement seemed to encapsulate, for me at least, the pathology of a whole generation of spoiled-brat princesses. They want someone who will adore them uncondtionally and cater to their every whim just like their daddies did. And they never seem to waste a thought on what THEY might have to bring to a relationship. They are so intoxicated by the illusion of their own specialness that actually doing anything for another person is beneath them.
While I am disturbed by the level of misogyny and bitterness displayed in some of the men’s comments here, I do agree with the author that today’s single women really need a reality check, and to lose this insane double standard they apply to relationships. I mean, can you imagine a young single man today openly declaring that he wants “a woman who will make me pancakes on Sunday morning”?
Amen. Women who want to be endlessly “showered” by the man in their life tend not to see that they need to return the favor. Selfishness is a big problem and a huge turn off.
I married a well educated and financial post modernist independent woman, now my wife, well after try number 2..LOL… At the time I was military, finished my contract and then moved to be with her, everything seemed to go hunky dory until the first child arrived, she basically dumped him on me, so I got up multiple times during the night to nurse him, took him to work with me (I used my retirement money to open a dive business) she continued to work and act like we didn’t exist, this went on through child number two, suffice to say at the ten year point I was exhausted, exasperated and fed up, we rowed, fought and in the end seperated, I suggested counseling, she agreed, ignored the promises she made during counselling and then demanded a divorce because she needed clousure.. So I gave what she wanted, then sold my business and moved to Dublin Ireland to go to computer school, about 3 months later she called complaining about the children, how she couldn’t cope, how they missed me… I told her she was just had to deal with it, I was at school and had no intention of giving it up until I had accomplished my certification, she wasn’t happy and said she would make sure they (the kids) hated me, unfortunately for her is was the opposite, I was their main caretaker, the one who spent most time with them, who looked after them when they were sick, took them to their soccer matches etcetera. another 6 months passed and she called again, this time suprisingly more polite and even contrite, asked how my courses were going and would I like to visit, I did and it was very pleasant, she seemed to have grown up and had a different view on life… wonder why… suffice to say we got back together after a dating period and an agreed rules for both our behaviour… Incidently I asked her why she had put herself, me and the kids through this she stated at the time she believed because she made more money than me she should make the rules of the relationship… shocking… ah well that was 16 years ago, now we are the best of friends, lovers and husband and wife…
Intelligent woman. She learns from experience. Tossed her umbrella and goes back looking for it when it starts raining: learns from experience.
Intelligent man: knows when to cut his losses and move on. But also knows how to forgive without forgetting. Raised his children well. Was able to teach a simple minded woman that she can grow beyond the 9 year old stage (I own the ball, I set the rules).
Not a great experience but good for both of you: you were able to make it work in the end.
All’s well that ends well.
Interestingly, what’s missing here in this article and the comments are words like “nice” “sweet” and “kind”. Which is also missing from many women looking for a mate, coincidentally.
One anecdote doesn’t make a trend, but I’m happily divorced after 15 years from an ambitious American woman, whose ambitions revolved around the lifestyle I could provide her, and not her own work (even though she’s a lawyer admitted to practice in more than a few states).
I started dating, met some nice gals, but all the nicest ones seemed to have been born elsewhere (and I’m not talking about mail-order bride types, but professional women with brains). The American gals (typically in their 30s) were prickly, tense, or high strung. Not “NICE.” Not giving any indication they had the least interest or capability of making a man happy. One nice gal was a creative professional and business owner who had been in the US for 15 years, after a happy childhood in Soviet Hungary.
I soon met the woman I’m now happily committed to, with a wonderful future planned together. She spent her early years under Soviet rule in a Baltic state, and had a successful professional career before deciding to study in the US to master English. She is the kindest, sweetest, most genuinely affectionate person I’ve ever met. I asked her when she could recall someone being mad at her last. She literally could think of no time in her entire life that some one was mad at her (until she recalled a dishonest US employer that she quit to avoid unjust exploitation)! Having spent time with her family and friends, I know it’s not an act.
Here’s another interesting thing: she’s more than 20 years younger than me, has a gorgeous smile and sparkling blue eyes framed by blonde hair, and a stunning figure like a swimsuit cover model. Yet she has no “attitude” about her beauty entitling her to special treatment, nor does she treat her affection as a scarce commodity to be rationed only for rewarding good behavior.
I can’t say whether American culture has ruined American women, but my limited experience suggests that men should look elsewhere.
Regarding the above posts, she would make a better mother than anyone I have ever met (sorry, Mom!). I actually made her pancakes yesterday (crepes, she was starved on returning from school). And she offers to make me a martini most afternoons at 5.
Sex early seems different (better, more appropriate, relaxed) with Europeans. Not slutty, or showy, or extreme. More relaxed and adult. Not a performance.
Sargon’s right: “If he so much as suspects that you are trying to manipulate him, he will intensely resent it.” My gal was pushing for monogamy/exclusivity early on (in the context of generous affection) but she was *sincerely* in love, and I soon was too. (I confirmed this when an old boyfriend she broke up with came back and offered the marriage – green card! – and the children he was doubtful about, and she turned him down compared to an uncertain new future with me).
TommyV’s right that men expect to sleep with women they’re dating, and not wait months (or until marriage). Good judgement is the key, and smart men can tell when a woman is using good judgement, or just routinely hopping into bed. (I recall one 40-someting first date kiss that was so wet but emotionlessly routine – “Oh, he wants a kiss, here we go!” – that I could understand sex being just the same, and passed.)
Sally is right about the secrets to a happy marriage, and both partners have to understand these principles.
My advice is that when you are in the romantic early phases, makes notes about what the other does for you that makes things feel so special, and tell them how much it all means to you. Make sure they know that you need this to continue, and will do the same for them.
“The impulse of the American woman to geld her husband and castrate her sons is very strong.” -John Steinbeck
What self-respecting man wants that for himself or his sons?
More lies women tell themselves:
#8: He’ll change.
#9: What he says is more important than what he does.
#10: He’ll love me more if I get a boob job.
Don’t even try, works for me.
Prince Charming doesn’t show up, Prince Charming will never show up, because Prince Charming does not exist. It’s a fairy tale.
This is ridiculous to me. She is not a princess. He is not a knight. Get over it.
I find it amazing how much of the modern view of romance descends from the Middle Ages. Princesses, knights, a brave and perilous quest to prove his love, and they lived happily ever after. Give me a break.
More importantly, the marriage contract descends from the Middle Ages, the Age of Chivalry and the Cult of Mary. Presumptive paternity, are you kidding me? That’s over 600 years old. Why any man would agree to that these days, in this culture, with the attitudes of these girls, under the terms and conditions of this contract, in this legal system is beyond my ability to comprehend.
What, do you expect me to believe she’s a virgin? Well, she might have been until she met me.
Here’s the thing. Every girl I have ever dated or been to bed with, and I’m going back over 40 years to junior high here, ALREADY HAD A BOYFRIEND. He was nobody when the new kid came into town. What is there to lead me to believe that it’s going to be any different when she has a husband?
Oh, yeah, that’s right, the husband is legally responsible for child support. And there is nothing he can do about it–he agreed to it when he married her.
Presumptive paternity, abortion on demand and no fault divorce render the marriage contract null and void before it’s even executed.
She doesn’t want a relationship. If she did, she would dump her attitude. She doesn’t want romance or passion. She doesn’t want a life partner, a helpmate, a father to her children. Under the terms and conditions of this contract, she’s perfectly free to change her mind at any time, for any reason or no reason. She perfectly free to run around, get knocked by some boy in a bar, and slap her husband with child support. There’s nothing he can do about it. THE COURT DOES NOT ALLOW EVIDENCE OF ANY KIND TO QUESTION PATERNITY IN A MARRIAGE SITUATION. If she’s your wife, they’re your children, you will pay child support. Period. They will confiscate your wages, man. They will withold your tax return. Or they will put you in jail. And there’s nothing you can do to stop them, unless you change the law.
That’s the key. And that’s what nobody, other than me, wants to talk about. Change the law. Change presumptive paternity to determinitive paternity, and change no fault divorce to just cause divorce. I can live with community property, community funds and sweat equity, but I will never agree to presumptive paternity, no fault divorce or abortion on demand. Marriage is out of the question.
She offered me sex. I had sex with her. I’m done. If she can’t wrap her mind around that, then she’s more stupid than she thinks I am. She already had a boyfriend. Let her go complain to him about the one who got away.
She wants money. She wants security. She wants guaranteed child support, regardless of who the father is. And if you marry her, that’s exactly what she will get, by law.
All of this nonsense about the love of my life, my soul mate, the best sex I ever had, is just that nonsense. Do all of you people still live in the Middle Ages? Sorry, but princesses and knights went out in the 1300s.
I have never met a woman who was serious about even discussing changing the law. So she’s nothing but just another girl who offered me sex to me. Yeah, I’ll buy dinner, I’ll buy drinks, I’ll even pay for the hotel room, but in the morning I’m gone.
She doesn’t like it? Then she can get serious about changing the law, because the terms and conditions of the marriage contract are completely unacceptable to me.
Rod Stewart sang it best:
Yeah, I’ll pay your cab fare home
You can even use my best cologne
Just don’t be here in the morning when I wake up