‘Feminist Progress Right Now Largely Depends on the Existence of the Hookup Culture.’
Emily continues in fisking the troubling arguments of a celebrated Atlantic senior editor:
To Rosin, the hook-up culture is good because women enjoy it and it frees them from the shackles of having a relationship. So the hook-up culture, as Rosin and most feminists argue, empowers women:
At Yale I heard stories like the ones I had read in many journalistic accounts of the hookup culture. One sorority girl, a junior with a beautiful tan, long dark hair, and a great figure, whom I’ll call Tali, told me that freshman year she, like many of her peers, was high on her first taste of the hookup culture and didn’t want a boyfriend. “It was empowering, to have that kind of control,” she recalls. “Guys were texting and calling me all the time, and I was turning them down. I really enjoyed it! I had these options to hook up if I wanted them, and no one would judge me for it.”
Tali may be the exception. Occidental College sociologist Lisa Wade, who did a qualitative study of the hook-up culture among 44 of her freshman students (33 of them women), concludes that most of them “were overwhelmingly disappointed with the sex they were having in hook ups. This was true of both men and women, but was felt more intensely by women.” The psychiatrist Miriam Grossman reports that the vast majority of women who have a hook-up experience later regret it. Wade confirms that the women she interviewed felt “disempowered instead of empowered by sexual encounters. They didn’t feel like equals on the sexual playground, more like jungle gyms.”
Emphasis added.
Read the whole thing. Emily untangles Rosin’s twisted logic, revealing the cruel, dehumanizing premises that make up the basis of her call for a life of animal sexuality.
Reading through Rosin’s article at The Atlantic, a few other telling word choices and admissions jump out:
So there we have it. America has unseated the Scandinavian countries for the title of Easiest Lay. We are, in the world’s estimation, a nation of prostitutes. And not even prostitutes with hearts of gold.
Is that so bad? Or is there, maybe, a different way to analyze the scene that had just unfolded?
Armstrong and Hamilton had come looking for sexual victims. Instead, at this university, and even more so at other, more prestigious universities they studied, they found the opposite: women who were managing their romantic lives like savvy headhunters. “The ambitious women calculate that having a relationship would be like a four-credit class, and they don’t always have time for it, so instead they opt for a lighter hookup,” Armstrong told me.
It’s “feminist progress” to return women to the “world’s oldest profession” and the primitivism of head-hunting?
Rosin — who happens to be living married and with kids herself — surely doesn’t believe this nonsense and is just cynically making dumb, trendy arguments that she knows will sell briskly to her spoiled, hedonistic readers at Slate’s Double X and The Atlantic. She concludes her piece:
Young men and women have discovered a sexual freedom unbridled by the conventions of marriage, or any conventions. But that’s not how the story ends. They will need time, as one young woman at Yale told me, to figure out what they want and how to ask for it. Ultimately, the desire for a deeper human connection always wins out, for both men and women. Even for those business-school women, their hookup years are likely to end up as a series of photographs, buried somewhere on their Facebook page, that they do or don’t share with their husband—a memory that they recall fondly or sourly, but that hardly defines them.
“Sourly?” “That hardly defines them”?
Maybe for some. But as I near 30, cherish my wife and the married lifestyle more and more every day, and my embarrassing college hook-up years fade further away, I know the unpleasant reality the Rosins of the world want to ignore: just because we were lucky enough to escape that moral sewer and take refuge within a traditional marriage, it doesn’t mean everyone does.
Feminist Victory = Turning women into concubines for alpha jerks, thugs, and players.
And an entire generation into sex zombies. Oh, the humanity (lost). Invest heavily in the “regret” industry (whatever it may be); that will be the next big thing.
Yeah, its a dirty job but somebody has to do it.
There is the unspoken casualities of this hook up culture. The men who have no “Game” and find themselves in college lonely and bitter. I guess these would be the Betas through whatever say Epsilions if using the “Brave New World” classification system. What is the lesson some of these men learn? Forget about being a gentleman and treat women like dirt. I should know I because I am describing my own experience.
Exactly.
Feminist Victory = Revealing that any man is cursing himself to a lonely life if he treats women well.
Ya gotta have money. You got money you can be a complete zero and score at the highest level. Gets old though. Nothing more disgusting then a rich old fart who still chases skirts. The lower instincts of men is all about T & A. For a woman its the wallet. Once upon a time we taught our children to listen to their better angels and become better people.
More disgusting than a rich old fart who chases skirts are the former hookup girls who have no virtue, and pursued feminist hookups. Then these tarnished roses complain that men who worked, went without, and succeeded should accept that demonstrated lack of judgment and morals should have no consequences.
If you are kind to the cruel, you will be cruel to the kind.
Helen Gurley Brown would have loved Rosin’s “liberating” piece, I would guess, but like the slogan of her time, “You’ve Come a Long Way Baby”….where did they end up? The description sounds like a woman who cares about nothing but herself and her upward mobility and is liberated by not having to care about anything or anyone else. This is progress? How happy will she be at 45?
Very perceptive observation. I assure you, these women will NOT be a bunch of Carrie Bradshaws finding their Mr Big at the end of the promiscuous rainbow.
I am going to post a personal story about this topic from a male perspective. Not an Alpha male but someone who is a Non-Alpha. Any comments would be appreciated from I just a fool of myself, constructive criticism or positive responses.
Reader before I further elaborate I should provide some background. I went to college in the late 1980s at one of the elite secular colleges in the Boston area. I spent the next 10 years of my life on a university campus. I had no experience with relationships before going to college as a freshman. Being naive about these things I thought given I would be in the company of other people with high intellectual aptitude my prospects would brighten up. I soon found out when I walked onto the campus that would not be the case.
Only recently did I learn terms like “Alpha”, “Beta” to group men. I am not sure if the classification goes further down the Greek alphabet but I would be in one on the lower categories; perhaps a Delta using the Alpha to Epsilon classification from “Brave New World”. I fall short, both proverbially and literally, in all three of the “Tall, Dark, and Handsome” trilogy of desirable male characteristics. One time someone I just met said I reminded her of Gilbert Gottfried; just another body blow to my already low regard of myself. I must confess I am one of those persons with a huge differential between IQ and emotional intelligence (EQ). I built up an educational resume that would make a mother proud but beyond that when it comes to relationships, office politics, etc I might as well be a deer staring into the headlights of an oncoming train.
I can talk from a personal perspective about what the Hook Up culture means to the men who are not equipped to compete in this game like me. I do not know the percentage of men like me who are out there now on college campuses but among the group of friends I hung out with I would say 35%.
I did not read the 19th century classics until I was in graduate school but imagine you are say a Mr. Edward Ferrars from Austen’s “Sense and Sensibility”. You are a man who is intelligent, unassuming, reserved and rather clueless when it comes to women. You are then thrown into a social situation that you are not equipped to handle and did not expect. For me the result was this massive discrepancy to the academic aspects of college life, where I excelled, and the social aspects with the opposite sex where I was an utter failure. To make things worse for some reason you initially thought your intelligence and respectful manner would stand you in good stead in the other part of college life. I had a direct personal experience of this dichotomy. One of my best friends, who would later became my brother-in-law, was one of the ultimate Alpha males on campus. He is tall, handsome, self-assured, and excellent in people’s skill including the art of flirtation and seduction. He was friendly with me and I enjoyed being with him. I lived my life precariously through him as he shared his tales of his latest conquest or how he was able to juggle multiple women at the same time. He was having a fling with someone I happen to be in a class with. He passed me along a conversation they had. For some reason, they talked about me. She complimented me on my intelligence. I thought to myself her high regard for my intelligence is all well and good but look at the man she has chosen to be with.
Another experience demonstrates why I walked down the path of disappointment and disillusion. My sister was visiting with several of her friends from high school. We were at a party, there was nothing inappropriate as my sister and her friends were college students too. One of them for some reason, most likely under the influence of alcohol, asked me if I was looking for a relationship. I do not know what I said in response, I might have murmured yes, but I was filled with embarrassment and shame. She left and nothing came from it. But she ended up sleeping with another guy at the party who was a buffoon. But he was clever enough to seduce her. After he had her way he treated her like the slut he thought she was. I happen to live where this incident took place and distinctly remembering overhearing him call her a “slut”.
There was this friend I had whose experiences really hammered home what would be the wrong lessons. He was not endowed with manly features but he was a life of the party type and boisterous. To be totally honest, he was also lazy with zero motivation. He wanted to be a golf bum and never did graduate much to the dismay of his parents. But for some reason, that I still do not understand, he was successful in his exploits. He would talk too; the time he took the virginity of one girl or how he did something degrading to another girl. Here was this guy who was having sex with a bevy of women who threw themselves at him. There was this one girl who I found myself very attracted to. She was very pretty and seemed sensible but for some reason she was sleeping with him. At least he had the decency to take her to the Senior Ball for the graduating class. Reader I think you can understand how my soul was being twisted by these stories and his “success”. I thought I was better than him in all aspects except for the one of being able to make a fool of oneself. Yet I was the one living a lonely life while he enjoyed female company albeit nothing meaningful but still.
So I spent four years with access to one of the great cities in America yet I never had a dinner date, never went to a show or movie, just enjoying the company of a woman I care about browsing one of the great bookstores in the area or walking down a street in the city her holding my arm. Some winter nights I would go out alone on campus to the roof of the library which had a wonderful view of the Boston skyline. I would just sit feeling sorry for myself, a melancholic longing in my heart to be with someone at that very moment to enjoy the view and the crisp winter night.
What damage did I suffer from these experiences and observations during some of the key formative years of one’s life. First, I developed a self-loathing of myself. A self-loathing of who I am. Damning God for making me the way he did. I considered my academic success a hollow achievement. Second, I learned to objectify women and deny their humanity. They are just objects that are to be used. I developed a cynical attitude about women. They say they want one thing but their actions speak the opposite. I look back on these years not with fond memories but with pain and regret. I developed a cynical attitude about women. They say they want one thing but their actions speak the opposite.
An unbalanced life is an unhealthy life. What should have been one of the best periods on one life’s turned deep inside me into a bitter and lonely experience. This void would be filled eventually. But given what I learned it was filled in self-destructive ways that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
Yes there are women who are victimized by this culture but there are many men like me who are the silent victims too.
Your problem isn’t related to physical or social deficiencies. No, you are a deeply troubled person. It’s depressing. No wonder the women weren’t interested. And yet you blame them! Take a hard look at yourself. It’s not a pretty sight, and I don’t mean on the outside.
Also, you are guilty of the sin of envy. Rather than enjoy what you have, you long for that which you can’t. It’s your personality. Even if you were the starting QB, you’d still long for someone else’s looks, money, social skill, fame. You can’t help it. Please, seek help.
That’s a stupid comment screaming either female delusion of male syncophancy.
Reality check: women’s desire is ugly. It is as ugly, and depraved, though in different ways, than men. The female equivalent to a tawdry and depraved red light district employing child prostitutes in Amsterdam or Bangkok is female hypergamy. Simply put, women crave JERKS. Bad boys. Alpha a-holes. The more the better. Criminals, including murderers, certainly. The Night Stalker, Richard Ramirez, is married to a beautiful lawyer who says she will die the day he does. The Petersons, Drew and Scott, have similar beautiful and intelligent women craving them, as does Joran Van Der Sloot.
Women care only about the top 10% of men in social dominance, alpha a-holeness, and sexy domination. The rest they might as well be gay or dead. This is the truth. About 30% of women will not act on this constantly, the rest do. Given the obesity epidemic reducing women who are even borderline attractive, versus the land-whales lumbering around like beasts, for the average guy it is even worse.
The man is upset because SOCIETY LIED. Fundamentally. IN EVERY WAY. It told him to be responsible, kind, decent, and mature, and gives him at best after decades of loneliness an aging slut who got fat and has visible contempt for the man she “settled” for instead of the Alphas she had and still craves.
HE GOT CHEATED. AND HE’S ANGRY. Don’t tell him the wooden nickel is made of gold. He knows a raw deal when he got one.
And getting a raw deal has consequences. He’s never going to treat women like anything other than dirt. Treating them such generates the hottest and youngest of them wanting him. Younger guys coming up know the score — better to be Levi Johnston, or Kevin Federline, than a “Christian” who “respects women” which is a one-way ticket to angry, desperate celibacy. What you reward you get more of, and no reward is greater then the love and desire of a beautiful young woman. Men kill for it. They die for it.
And the end-point is essentially the Ghetto thuggery which is the surest way to get the love and affection of the most beautiful and intelligent women, see Rihanna and Chris Brown.
Your comment is bankrupt. You offer the man no particular options, just criticize him for not being born an Alpha a-hole. I might as well criticize you for not being six feet seven inches tall or more; it has the same validity.
The guy ought to go to a credible (many are ripoffs) PUA camp or read the books; and practice picking up women. A lot. His way to happiness is having as many women as possible, and having as many kids as possible, illegitimately, while supporting or providing for none of them, until he can get the best possible and youngest one tied up. In other words, be Kevin Federline.
Its what women want. They should get it, good and hard.
crystal clear truth, Whisky
Maybe if he dropped the last two paragraphs, you’d have a point. However, he then says fornication is the solution, and that is a deadly lie. Yes, it sucks to be single when you want to be married- I know first hand! But it is far better to be celibate, even involuntarily so, than to fornicate. Fornication is death, and a loose woman is a death-trap. Telling a man to go sleep with a death-trap makes you a murderer.
You’re disgusting, even worse than Adam. You are trying to murder a man’s soul and tell him it will make him happy. Now I’ll be the first one to admit that being involuntarily celibate sucks royally, but your proposed cure is worse than the disease. You quite literally just recommended that the man you claim to want to help should go to Hell and try to drag as many women with him as he can, while cursing the many sons and daughters he would beget in the process to fatherlessness, scandalizing most of them into becoming worse than their parents.
actually, it’s the truth of Whiskey’s comments that is disgusting.
I’d agree with you but my wife would kick my ass.
Generally true but you use bad examples. Also women are largely blameless. Throughout recorded history womens sexual desire has been controlled. That’s because to create larger communities, womens primordial desire to offer themselves body and soul to the most confident and violent man was socially destructive. And that is why the modern dating scene is socially and emotionally destructive, just look at the state of the modern family.
The solution for this beta is to get smart, learn PUA game, and with as clear and objective mind as possible look for a wife overseas. He’ll increase his attractiveness due to women being poor there and women there havng more sexual social restraints put upon them, which means less chance getting a slut or damaged woman. But you need to learn the language and culture, otherwise theres a higher chance of meeting a slut or golddigger.
It is upsetting to be raised well with moral standards and respect for others and then be dumped into the meat market of college. I had plenty of bad experiences myself because of that.
There a several points to this problem.
Too many people are in college who shouldn’t be there. The US schools system has become all college prep, in part to feed to ravenous college money making machine that system as become. It’s all about generating freshmen and their tuition fees. Never mind that maybe half actually graduate: the colleges have that money, and the federal grants that come along with them. So maybe half of students are just there to party for a year or two because the parents said “go to college or get out of the house, join the Army, etc.”
The rest all end up here. Society has come to idolize the Narcissistic Sociopath Predator who looks so suave, is superficially charming, the life of the party, etc, as the male ideal. The female ideal is the slut, and is quite similar to the male though with a greater emphasis on sex appeal. This is taught first by the media, is reinforced in schools, idealized in college and sought after in business and the like. All one has to do is look at the fine mess this kind has made of our business/financial/political world to get an idea of the trail of damage they have left behind them.
But still American pop culture still selects them both as the ideal. Perhaps it is because most people are poorly educated, more emotional and image driven than they were even 50 years ago.
Well, I’m sure the predators won’t let up their hold on society until it reaches their ideal. That ideal ranges somewhere between the drug gang riddled US/Mexico border region and Mogadishu, Somalia. A terrible place naturally, but perfect, lawless hunting grounds.
Your perspective is wrong in so many areas…
First, you moan about missing out on the “great college experience”. You’re unhappy that children made the childish decision to exclude you from their irresponsible games. How in the name of Sandra Fluke’s vagina can that be a bad thing? Do you also lament missing the crack cocaine and crystal meth fads? Or the AIDS epidemic? Do you honestly believe that the revelers were engaging in blatant self-destructive behavior because they were so incredibly happy? Evidently…
Second, you meekly confess that you’re not an “alpha” male. Take a look around your workplace… how many of your co-workers would you describe as “alpha” males? I’d guess virtually none to none, particularly if you’re in a high brainpower field. The skills and personality types that make “alpha” males generally don’t make good engineers, scientists, programmers or doctors. Now take another look and count the number that you’d consider “leaders”… what? How can there be leaders if you don’t have “alpha” males? Different fields require different leadership styles. Alpha males are good at attracting girls, women may make other choices.
Third, your entire post is “woe is me, look at my weaknesses” when you should be saying “behold my awesome strengths”. You’ve evidently wasted a good deal of your life focused on what you can’t do. You need to spend your time productively focusing on what you can do. How many of the things that you can’t do are required for your job? It better be zero else you’re on the termination list. Did your company hire you for what you can do or were they looking for somebody with entirely different skills and Joe “The Alpha Male” wasn’t available? They hired you for who you are, not for who you aren’t.
Fourth, the saddest thing that anyone can say is “high school (college) were the best years of my life”. This year and each following year should be the best year of your life. For most of the drunken frat boys and girls that you envy college was the highlight of their lives. They’re now pathetic losers who tossed away a golden opportunity and you envy them? That’s messed up.
Fifth, you have to live your life. You can’t live my life and I can’t live yours. You might naturally envy me my life but you don’t see how I got to where I am. You just see the result, not the decades of effort and sacrifice. Some people do have it easy but most of us have to take the good with the bad and work to make tomorrow a better day than today. Suck it up and do the work.
Anonymous:
You don’t belong in this crowd. Find another crowd. Get some therapy, maybe cognitive therapy, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
It’s like trying to stick a square peg in a round hole. It doesn’t fit because it’s mismatched. You are not a shallow, socially gifted drunk. You don’t have the “gift of gab” and are not self-confident (from what I’m inferring). Another thing that is particularly unattractive for women is that you are needy. Neediness in a man is such an unmanly trait that women will steer clear of any man who has a hint of it. Women pick up on this. The party girls are just looking for some guy for the evening. Don’t long for them, they have nothing long term to offer you. If you want sex, go pay for it. You’re just looking for free prostitutes to feed your vanity, not that you have much, and prove that you are just as good as the guy who brings home the sluts.
The only thing that matters is a long term relationship and for the even more long term, how many healthy children you have. In one hundred years, no one on Earth is going to care how many orgasms you had.
I’ve been saying this forever. Activist Feminism depends entirely on positioning men as born to be the enemy, standing in the way of a woman’s money.
They’ve been reduced to little more than disposable living sex toys for the “professional, successful” woman to toss aside, and such, no man can ever live up to the standards she wants.
Hence, males do not want to become men, and many either stay emotionally stunted manchildren little more than just Boys, or seek a sex change so they can be part of what they’re told is the ‘winning’ side, after years upon years of being told that men are worthless.
Some men do measure up, at least for a while. Eventually that kind of woman will divorce the man, wreck his life in divorce court and move on to the next man. That next man will likely have a bigger paycheck, higher status, etc., until the divorce that is.
A lot of men do grow up and figure out how the game is played. They then opt out rather than become another bit of roadkill on the superhighway to Hell this country is on.
Feminist Power now largely depends on their ability to kill their offspring before they escape the womb.
“The power to destroy a thing is the absolute control over it.”—Paul Atreides-Dune
I have a theory on all this. This “hook-up culture” thing is equally damaging to both genders and it’s born out of two things: immaturity and indolence. In both high school and college, the message to young adults is that school is really about the “play time,” not the academics or preparation for joining the adult world. First, in high school, everything revolves around school dances, sporting events, and other social activities. There are few jobs available to high school-age kids these days, so they don’t learn the value of work, nor are they given much responsibility at school or at home.
Then, they’re off to college, where the message seems to be, get drunk, get high, and get laid as much as possible. College students opt for the hook-up because they lack the maturity to deal with an adult relationship. Both genders are equally to blame for this. Unless you go to MIT and major in the hard sciences, most university courses are not that hard and don’t require all that much work (speaking from personal experience here, I was a poli sci major, it was cake) – so students are left with plenty of free time to pursue getting drunk, getting high, and getting laid. Not exactly setting the stage for future success, is it?
The bottom line is that the infantilization of our society is the root cause of all this. I totally disagree that women are making conscious choices to put off marriage in order to pursue their careers – they’re getting married later in life because they and their male peers lack the maturity to hold a relationship together. What can we expect from a society that tells young adults it’s okay to act like a child until you’re well into your 30′s?
I never got that message to hook up as much as possible.
I worked my tail off in college (in High-tech)
Besides studying all of the time, I worked on the side to pay for my tuition.
When I graduated, I had the maturity and values of a hard-working 30-year old, at least. And I needed that in a man. I didn’t marry right away, because most men my age lacked that maturity, as you said.
Now, I see many men are players, having fine-tuned the art of making us conservative women feel like we are the only women in their lives (so that we don’t wait for marriage to have sex, but we do wait for his feigned commitment)
Only to find out this feigned commitment has been spread out over many many other conservative, hopeful women.
I am sure for every woman like me over 30, conservative, hoping to find a commitment-minded man, there is a woman under 30 that is looking to hook-up.
Keep your eyes open, and command respect if you deserve respect.
Men won’t admit it, even to themselves (especially to themselves), but I’m sorry to tell you girls that we really only want one thing. We don’t much like hanging out with you. Your conversation is boring and you talk too much anyway. You say you love, but we know that once you have your offspring to take care of you in your dotage we can easily be flushed and the check will keep coming. Of course we males don’t really grasp this as long as we let our little heads do our thinking. Thank God testosterone doesn’t last forever.
I admit this is an awful thing. Once we were almost forced to put up with one another but that is gone. I could now no more stand living in the same house with a modern western woman than I could stomach six strangers moving in with me.
The western woman does not live in the truly real world. She lives in the modern perversion feminism and the lack of true religion have allowed to come to be. The real world real fact is that we men have the power. We always have and we always will. Too bad most don’t know this. No longer part of the modern zeitgeist. We have the power and you have the attraction. Or an attraction. But our susceptibility to your attraction can be reduced to zero in under three minutes on a tumescent day.
I suppose men have a natural desire to have children. Boys anyway. We ARE genetically empire builders. But now even a young man knows children are nothing but a liability. But even lousy kids, once they are old, will turn and take care of their old mother.
Once upon a time a woman knew how much she needed her husband and was willing to do what it took to be attractive to him and no I am not talking about physical attraction. That’s like 20%. In this day and age women don’t even have the first idea how to ‘keep a man’. And they don’t care.
I wish I’d figured this out 20 years ago.
Holy cow do you ever need to
meet the Lord Jesus Christ and repent.
This hook-up phenomenon is good news for a lots of guys I know. Sex as just another drug, and women as sex objects, where they can walk away without consequences for their actions, and immediately start looking for the next high. Great stuff, “feminists.” Life has never been more self-gratifying.
Have you read Wolfe’s Charlotte Simmons novel? He coined a phrase about this that fit both the reality and vulgarity. Some of the males who enjoyed the abundant fruits of the sexual revolution called the willing women c*m dumpsters. Doesn’t suggest much mutual respect, does it?
I’m fairly certain Tom Wolfe didn’t invent that phrase. I’ve heard people tossing it around as a synonym for “slut” since the early Nineties.
“It’s “feminist progress” to return women to the “world’s oldest profession” and the primitivism of head-hunting?” It’s even worse that that. Prostitutes get paid. Women today are expected to behave as prostitutes for free. We tell them they should enjoy it.
Does this mean college women are studying “Whore-ticulture?”
Response to Anonymous in Post #4
I have been trying to post for days, and the gremlins are at work. I can post in other sections of PJMedia, but for some reason have trouble in PJ Lifestyle.
I will try breaking it up into smaller chunks.
First, ignore the idiot Adam. DO NOT listen to people who dance on the broken hearts of others. Whether men or women, avoid them like the plague and do not let them speak into your life.
I remember being confused that women seemed to flock to men who treated them with contempt, and took for granted the men who behaved like gentlemen. I am less than a decade older than you, and I still recall the frustration. Friends had the same experience.
As one who has gone before you and is on the other side, having married a beautiful woman who loves me, I will attempt to offer some hope and perspective. I also have two daughters in their late teens, so seeing their confusion and angst gives me a different perspective as well.
continued…
First, as painful as it is, being rejected by a woman is often the best thing that can happen. Why? It is far, far more painful to become emotionally connected to a woman who doesn’t value you. (I speak from experience). Just like I don’t want my daughters getting caught up with boys/men who don’t value them, there is no point in a man getting caught up with a woman who doesn’t value him.
Second, the girls/young women are quite often just as confused and mixed up. (I am speaking from my experience with my daughters). They have the same sense of gnawing self-doubt and have difficulty making wise choices. They experience the same searing pain. It manifests itself differently, and as young men we weren’t able to see that. We were only able to see that ones we were watching weren’t interested in us, while the ones watching us went unnoticed by us.
Third, you don’t need all, most, or even a few women to fall in love with you. It only takes one, and when that one comes along all the others won’t matter. I didn’t get married until 31, and even then in retrospect I “settled”. When I was betrayed by her I was so angry and hurt I can’t begin to describe it. I had given her my very best self, and it wasn’t enough. All the old wounds were ripped open again. Single and with two kids at 40+, I thought I would _never_ experience the real honest-to-goodness passionate love of a woman. It happened though. I married a woman in my 40′s who was and is more beautiful than any woman I had even hoped to marry. And when I did, the old pain disappeared and in large part so did my _memory_ of that pain. Is everything perfect? Absolutely not. Often it is downright hard. But I love my wife with all my heart, and I have her love like I had always dreamed of having.
Finally, it makes all the difference in the world to have a strong grandfather/father/mentor relationship to walk alongside you in this process. My fathers and grandfathers were not able to do this for me, but for an amazing 3 year period I had a mentor who was like a grandfather. His perspective and support helped me cut through the lies and shame that I could not work through on my own. If you don’t have a man like this in your life, find one and ask him. That is how I did it, and even though he wasn’t family, and even though we were only acquaintances beforehand, I asked him to mentor me and he agreed. Through the process we became friends, and he the elder helped me immeasurably. He passed away, but not before he had given me tremendous gifts of confidence and sense of self. This is a battle for your heart and soul, and you were not meant to walk through it without the fellowship of other men who have gone before you. If this has resonated with you at any level, I highly recommend “Sacred Romance” by John Eldredge. Don’t let the title fool you, this is a book written from a male perspective and it is right down your alley. I wish you all the best, and may God bless you richly!
In my opinion this is exactly what should be expected fron the sissifying of the male. I grew up with very strong male role models who taught me what it was to be a man, mentors if you will. Respect people, respect women, respect yourself.When you have many being brought up by the mother only with no positive strong males..this is what you get.I have always been an alpha-male but, do not lack the decision making ability to do what’s right for me..mentally physically or emotionally..I make those choices..so when a booty calls come to me I can turn it down as well as accept it. You also have that choice..women have that abililty to use men to their own advantage..it has been that way forever..will you let them or will you treat them and yourself with respect ? On a second note , time has a way of evening things out..that hot babe in 10 or 20 years who used men to her advantage, may find it a lonely place when the looks are gone and no one bites
Degrading society and debasing humanity…..will lead to civilizational collapse….as we are witnessing.
Well written. I often chime in about the financial implosion headed our way but in reality it is a moral implosion that is the cause of the all our ills. Please. Prepare. Accordingly.
Yes, yes and yes. And all the politics in the universe cannot and will not fix it.
Girls in the Ivy League flushing their latest fling at serial monogamy IS the norm. I have secret well informed knowledge. As Jeremiah’s old friend opined, ‘The breast of woman is the hardest rock the Almighty ever made’. Personally I do not believe in romantic love. It is a chimera fueled by hormones. Welcome to Brave New 1984.
My general critique of Rosin is this: she’s celebrating a very, VERY bad bet by most women.
1. The “success” of women in the workplace and university system is not based on say, creating the new winning Apple-ized gadget, ground-breaking technology, or world-changing company. But rather massive government spending on useless drone work and paper pushing and “gender studies” and the like.
This is a dead end, coming to an end. See Greece, Spain, Portugal, Ireland, France, etc.
2. Women are depreciating assets. A woman of 18 who has had only one lover, is worth more than an aging 35 year old approaching “wall” status with over 50 lovers. Youth and beauty and low partner count matter more than a professional degree and bed-notches.
This is because men prefer not to share, like younger and prettier and NICER women (who are not bitter over not snaring the Alpha) and view low partner counts as better for chances of being cheated on (and raising someone else’s kid).
A woman who waits too long gets left with the dregs, bitter betas made angry who know darn well they are being “settled for” and in turn, settle (with women they don’t love or respect). Or gets no one at all, porn and X-boxes are acceptable substitutes for a land-whale.
And this is bad, for women, because the ability of the government to provide a safety net and security, including physical security, is coming to an end. Sure the Fed can pump out phony dollars backed by nothing, but hyper-inflation is not kind to women without a man who sticks around to defend them. The word you are looking for is PREY. Which is what a woman with a degree in Gender Studies laid off from her makework job as government and private companies collapse quickly becomes.
Men will fight and die (and have many times) for the young woman they married who remains in their eyes the sweet young near-teen girl of their youth. An aging, feminist they barely met whose slept with more than a football team? They would not cross the street to help her.
Yes if life continues on indefinitely in the way it has, for decades and decades, then Rosin is correct and women are “winning.” If not, women are making a disastrous bet WORSE than buying at subprime with a massive balloon payment on the theory that housing prices have never ever EVER declined across the US all at once.
The women stupid enough to believe this will be the same women who blame men when their life is in utter shambles years from now.
There is a
I guess the cat decided that was enough of a reply. In retrospect, he’d right.
As one of these former college (and post-college) girls who used to hook up constantly, let me tell you – it is a soul-scorching, desperate, lonesome hell hole. A moment of pleasure leaves you feeling empty and worthless for hours, days, weeks. I was lucky – NO, blessed – to find an amazing husband who will never learn of my past (he does not want to know), but sees a part of me those hook ups were never privileged to see. Even more lucky… I escaped from that past life unscathed, without diseases or unwanted pregnancies. These ‘feminists’ are kidding themselves, and one day they will wake up full of regret and bitterness. I should know, I was a staunch liberal feminazi who stood on the precipice, and finally saw the light …
This. I remember the night I misjudged and sobered up before I could pass out, so I howled a prayer for deliverance. God is good and He answered. Husband makes me laugh (and he makes good children too). I shudder when I think of all those young (and not so young any more) women trapped in that kifestyle. If they have souls that haven’t been eaten away yet, they howl prayers sometimes too, I guess.
My stars. I really, really wish you guys who find reasons to talk yourselves down would stop looking the mirror with such self-hatred. You haven’t found the right girl, that’s all. You’re looking at your shoes, instead of into her eyes.
It makes life difficult, later, too. I married the guy I had been looking for since I was 16, when I was 24. After leading him a merry chase, we married. I was ecstatic- he was everything I wanted in a man. Ten years in, he said ” I thought you settled, and had nowhere else to go.” Huh? Just because I’d gone out on dates with men who better jobs, better bank accounts, were more famous. What I’d learned from them was that if you are good at what you do, you get paid. So don’t worry about money- this is America- money will come. It’s also America- so money can go, so really mean it when you say ” For better or worse, in sickness and health, til death do us part.” If you are good at what you do, and work at what you do, it’ll turn out okay. I was able to marry him without fear BECAUSE of those dates, not in spite of.
He had such a distorted view of himself. He said he wondered what was wrong with himself- girls would just break up with him, or cheat on him. He spent the first few years waiting for me to cheat. I still don’t get that. He didn’t realize- they weren’t the right girl. He finally decided we were meant to be, and that God was looking out for him, to give him his children. I knew that- that’s what I’d prayed for – the guy who could give me the children I wanted- ones who were worthwhile when they were 30. He’s a great dad. He became a great husband, once he got it through his head that I’d picked him, not settled on him.
I’m a fan of the less- abusive game players. You meet men, and women. The good coaches break down reading faces and taking social cues. Concrete, minute reading of people makes life easy. It’s analytic and concrete. Really. Emotional Quotient stuff follows from close observation of others. It can be learned. It’s worth learning, for your career, as much as your private life.
Dear Anonymous. Please don’t give up. There is someone out there for you.
hokay. dear anonymous, and any other guy who seems to have insecurity issues:
First off, girls are insecure, too. Do you think they spend two hours getting ready b/c they are gilding the perfect lily? No. They are scared as hell, too.
Two. Mr Anonymous, on the rooftop: did you ever describe the rooftop? How awesome it looked? Did you ever invite a girl up there? To see how awesome it looked?
The formula, from the most extraordinary pick-up artist my husband knew: 100 girls propositioned meant 97 noes, 2 I’m interested, and 1 immediate yes. It’s like sorting fish- hit on every woman outside of work that you can. This doesn’t mean ” Hey, baby” It means “what lovely eyes” to the 300 pound waittress that brings you coffee. You practice so much that when it’s important- Claudia Schiffer lookalike at 11pm- you’re in the groove already.
Do it enough, it turns into play. You’re finding the funny attractive intelligent bits about anyone, anywhere.
And, school sucks. It’s only cool in movies. In real life, with real degrees, it sucks. It should suck- student housing, dorm food, no pay, assmonkey professors, no power, only potential, ineptitude with everything- you’re learning, not creating. calculus everywhere.
if you’re smart, did you offer to tutor? did you offer to lead a study group? Was it always about you, and you brilliant you alone? What about your classmates? They might have liked to study in a group with you. Did you help them find that chance?
Did you invite anyone to a museum? did you say ” I’m going to this museum for this exhibit at this time. Would you like to come along?” or did you just float along on some reverie? . Good outings take planning. Good dates take specific offers. You can blame the offer if she turns you down. She doesn’t like pizza at arnoldi’s, not she doesn’t like you.
Did you notice what she was smart at? or good at? did you tell her? Maybe she thought you were out of her league. Nobody wants humiliation, nobody wants to feel stupid or unnecessary.
Did you host your own parties? Did you say “Hey, everyone show up in XYZ- “movive character costume” “green for st pats” “purple gold and green for mardi gras”? Can you do that, now? Party planners seem to get some 100% of the time. Invite people over for movies. Even the guys on Big Bang- they hung out with each other, and helped each other meet and deal with girls. It’s fiction, but it’s not stupid. It’s observational. or tv nights- everyone wear a sheldon tee-shirt and watch tv for 30 minutes and eat a pot-luck. Ask people to invite other people.
She can’t kiss your brain or your study skills. Do you work out? It’s better to have a nice present to open- muscles under that shirt. Weights don’t have height requirements.
And, gosh, move if you have to. Find a city with women you like. It’s easier to be intoxicated in the right wine region for your palate.
And maybe its something else. she doesn’t want to join you on depression and envy island. or maybe she wants kids instead of a career. maybe she’s looking for a nice religious boy. maybe she thinks you’re too far ahead of her. maybe she feels bad that you’re gnashing your teeth about the one that got away. maybe she feels like you’ll call her a slut. who knows?
Maybe she wanted to see some success- you know, proving yourself in the real world. Everyone’s got potential from kinder on. Maybe she wanted to see gooey potential turn into solid results. You’re likely more attractive now.
What do you love? What makes you happy? What makes you proud? That’s what she wants to hear about. What are your plans? Can you say them with confidence? She’ll see if she fits, or not. Can you sell your choices- your car, your job, your city, your volunteer work, your family,your hobbies? What’s good about them? Are you mindful? Or did you fall into them? Can you choose?
Danny DeVito is happily married. Gilbert Gotfried is in a relationship, right? . Jason Biggs is married. Milton Friedman was married. It’s possible to be brilliant, physically unprepossessing, and happily married – you just have to find your Mrs Right-Fish.
> Two. Mr Anonymous, on the rooftop: did you ever describe the rooftop? How awesome it looked? Did you ever invite a girl up there? To see how awesome it looked?
>The formula, from the most extraordinary pick-up artist my husband knew: 100 girls propositioned meant 97 noes, 2 I’m interested, and 1 immediate yes. It’s like sorting fish- hit on every woman outside of work that you can. This doesn’t mean ” Hey, baby” It means “what lovely eyes” to the 300 pound waittress that brings you coffee. You practice so much that when it’s important- Claudia Schiffer lookalike at 11pm- you’re in the groove already.
>Do it enough, it turns into play. You’re finding the funny attractive intelligent bits about anyone, anywhere.
Easy for you to say. You don’t have to do the approaching. You were born female so you get everything handed to you without having to work for it. Dressing up, wow that must be really hard. I would choose that over constant rejection and crushing loneliness.
I hate to say this, but you deserve to be alone. Empathy and an ability to communicate are essential for relationships. You see your fears, but not hers. And, you aren’t even communicating an interest.
All fears are equal in size. The boogeyman under the bed is the same size as the boogeyman in the closet, which is the same size as the one outside the window, or behind the drapes. You fear being rejected. She fears being not-asked. You fear measuring up to some cinematic shadow. She fears the same. She also fears, say, rape, molestation, and gossip about her character, ruining her life. Do you fear that? Or do you fear being mistaken for that jerk who would hurt her?
Second, you’re not alone on a stage in front of a dusty velveteen curtain. You’re in a city. Other people want friends and dates, too. So, if you fear girls- do you fear guys? Can you call up guys to watch a movie? Have a potluck? They are the guys who will testify to her that you are a man of good character. That you can be a friend, a shoulder, a mensch, the daddy of all her babies.
Do you know a girl that doesn’t turn your crank, but she’d have fun with your buddy? Set them up. They’ll both want to find you someone. Do this enough times, you’ll have a mob of people trying to find someone good enough for you.
What are your insecurities? Physical ones can be dealt with, easily. It’s what Clinique and dermatogists are for. Or, orthodontists and dentists. Or aestheticians, with the eyebrow hair.
Muscles? Sit-ups are free. Push-ups are free. Walking or running are cheap, if you don’t get bent about shoe fetishes. Sexual frustration and testosterone are a great workout cocktail. Six months of misery on your part, makes for a lot of happiness on her part. Clothes get easier,too. If you have enough muscles to rock a tee-shirt, you can shop at Wal-mart, and still look great.