#1 — You’re fat. (Sorry.)
Slowly but surely, we Canadians have been creeping ahead of you guys in almost every measurable way: “we work less, live longer, enjoy better health and have more sex.” Our beer is better (as I recall). We don’t pay taxes on our lottery winnings.
We take politics way less seriously.
Meet our libertarian-conservative prime minister; let’s see your guy do this, America:
I had pizza at his house once. He has lots of cats.
And here’s our first female P.M., whose election was a matter of no gender-related controversy whatsoever. In fact, she got elected in spite of (or because of) this photo, which no one even tried to care that much about:
Canadian leaders are so boring, no one’s ever tried to shoot one. When one disgruntled citizen got too close to Jean Chretien, the PM put the fellow in a choke hold and broke one of his teeth.
The closest we’ve had to a political sex scandal recently involved a government minister who left his briefcase on his girlfriend’s coffee table. You think I’m kidding.
Anyhow, our disposable incomes are higher and our personal debt is lower:
Certainly Canadians who venture down to live in the U.S. say there’s a huge difference in how the two countries approach spending and debt. Gerry Van Boven grew up in southern Ontario but moved to the U.S. in 1985. Now he’s 57 and living in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. He says his American friends seem genuinely puzzled by his reluctance to load on huge piles of debt so he can buy a big luxury car and a monster home. “Most of the people that I know who were born and raised here are a lot farther in hock than I am, and they think that’s quite normal,” he says. “They’re like, ‘Can’t afford it? I’ll just put it on plastic.’ Whereas I was brought up to believe that if you can’t afford to buy it in cash, you can’t afford it.”
Our banks weren’t obliged to give mortgages to welfare bums, so our housing market didn’t crash.
And let’s face it: our decision to pick our own cotton and mow our own lawns has paid off big time in terms of race relations, crime stats, and economics.
It’s too late for you to change the past. But there is something you could, and should, do, America:
Americans are twice as fat as we are, and no wonder.
I went to a roadside restaurant in Minneapolis a few years ago and ordered the pork chops, not expecting to get five of them (!) stacked like pancakes. American supermarkets carry taco-flavored ice cream and ice-cream flavored tacos, or seem to, anyhow.
I won’t appeal to your concerns about your health or appearance. How about national security, then?
I’m starting to wonder if the U.S. will surrender to belligerent Islam as long as they’re promised free appetizers during happy hour.
I’m saying all this out of love, America. I want you to be around for a long, long time.
After all, someone needs to make decent looking movies and TV shows and cool music.
Don’t leave me up here all alone with Nickelback and Degrassi, you guys.
Lay off those pork chop pancakes, eh?
More humor from Kathy Shaidle at PJ Lifestyle: