E-Mails to My Past Self: 5 Facts I Wish I Could Send Back in Time
3) Dear 16-year-old John:
I’m writing you from the future to let you know that you’re much, much better with women than you realize. That slips right past you because you’re shy, don’t understand women that well, and aren’t very confident, but you have a lot more going for you than you realize. You’re in good shape, you’re funny, you’re smart; so don’t sell yourself short. You’re going to have a cheerleader in typing class ask if you’ll take her out. She’s not joking. She’s serious, dude! And the great-looking older chick who grabs your ass in the video arcade — that wasn’t an accident, okay? In fact, one of the girls you have a little crush on now? I talked to her five years ago and found out that she had a MAJOR crush on you all through high school. So, don’t be afraid to go for it. You’re doing a lot better than you think!
I got this response back:
Dear future John:
Thank you so much for the advice! I’ve been dating constantly and although I have two kids by two different baby mamas, I think I’ve found the love of my life. As soon as she gets out of jail on the crack possession charge, we’re getting married! Granted, it would be nice if she stopped using crack and the screaming fits can be a little annoying, but I’m in love! Marrying Lurlene is going to be the best decision of my life!
1. Tofu IS bean curd. Just thought you ought to know.
2. In other words, as the song goes, “You can’t win, you can’t break even, and you can’t even quit the game.” There’s a show tune for every occasion.
3. Message from the present to myself in 2009: Two things. A. Go on the National Review post-election cruise in 2010, get access to Andrew Breitbart, and warn him about his heart condition. Memorize some of the next few weeks’ headlines so as to have credibility. B. Become a financial backer for the Broadway run of “The Book of Mormon.” It’s more fun than the stock market.
FWIW: That 16-year-old in the past sounds suspiciously contemporary. Just sayin’.
Never would have worked for mee. I couldn’t throw a punch; just would have got hurt. Besides, the bullies never followed their own rules, and would tell the teacher.
I suppose better advice for me would have been:
“Don’t let the bullies make the rules. There’s nothing wrong with running away.”
But I wouldn’t have listened.
As an adult, yelling “police” seems to work.
really ….what a d!ck, no stock tips!
Dear 2012 John:
Develop that emails-from-the-future piece into a screen treatment. Going back in time movies have been done to death. So have movies where people switch bodies. But this seems fresh. You have talent. You have to keep pushing it to see how far it will take you. Watch some old movies and see what crap people turned out that made them rich and famous. You can turn out crap too! Go for it.
Sincerely,
Future blogger John full of regret
Long Fist! Good choice. Big punch! Throw in a No Shadow kick. Keep training. Sifu says: “Strong chi will help keep America free!”
Combin a few tropes, have your early self learn Kung Fu and then pummel crooked bankers, stockbrokers and politicians so they don’t make it from the past to 2008, where they cause all kinds of problems….
Just saying
Interesting idea. Reminds me of an episode of Northern Exposure.
I don’t believe this is true. This just seems like a scam to me. I tried to send e-mails to my past self, but the only response I got was from some loser named “MAILER DAEMON.”