E-Mails to My Past Self: 5 Facts I Wish I Could Send Back in Time
2) Dear 28-year-old John:
I’m writing you from the future to let you know that you’re going to have deep vein thrombosis in your right leg later this year. Although it could kill you dead as a doornail, it won’t. However, you will have to give yourself dozens of shots in the stomach, haggle with insurance companies, and take powerful anticoagulants for months. Eventually, you will make the decision to get off the blood thinners on your own because your doctor seemed to think there was marginally less chance of his getting sued if he kept you on the drugs all your life. To this day, I have swelling and discoloration on my right leg caused by the damage that was done by the blood clots, although they’ve never returned. Mysteriously, there was never a good explanation given for what happened. Maybe you’re not getting up enough from the computer? Maybe you’re not exercising enough? It’s hard to say. Just do what you can to avoid deep vein thrombosis.
I got this response back:
Dear future John:
First of all, I’d like to thank you for the super specific advice on how to avoid getting blood clots. Oooh, it’s “mysterious”; maybe this will prevent it from happening — that’s much appreciated. Still, I’ll exercise and walk around more to try to avoid deep vein thrombosis.
P.S.: Is there some reason you didn’t send some stock tips in this email? How did I turn out to be such an idiot in the future?
1. Tofu IS bean curd. Just thought you ought to know.
2. In other words, as the song goes, “You can’t win, you can’t break even, and you can’t even quit the game.” There’s a show tune for every occasion.
3. Message from the present to myself in 2009: Two things. A. Go on the National Review post-election cruise in 2010, get access to Andrew Breitbart, and warn him about his heart condition. Memorize some of the next few weeks’ headlines so as to have credibility. B. Become a financial backer for the Broadway run of “The Book of Mormon.” It’s more fun than the stock market.
FWIW: That 16-year-old in the past sounds suspiciously contemporary. Just sayin’.
Never would have worked for mee. I couldn’t throw a punch; just would have got hurt. Besides, the bullies never followed their own rules, and would tell the teacher.
I suppose better advice for me would have been:
“Don’t let the bullies make the rules. There’s nothing wrong with running away.”
But I wouldn’t have listened.
As an adult, yelling “police” seems to work.
really ….what a d!ck, no stock tips!
Dear 2012 John:
Develop that emails-from-the-future piece into a screen treatment. Going back in time movies have been done to death. So have movies where people switch bodies. But this seems fresh. You have talent. You have to keep pushing it to see how far it will take you. Watch some old movies and see what crap people turned out that made them rich and famous. You can turn out crap too! Go for it.
Sincerely,
Future blogger John full of regret
Long Fist! Good choice. Big punch! Throw in a No Shadow kick. Keep training. Sifu says: “Strong chi will help keep America free!”
Combin a few tropes, have your early self learn Kung Fu and then pummel crooked bankers, stockbrokers and politicians so they don’t make it from the past to 2008, where they cause all kinds of problems….
Just saying
Interesting idea. Reminds me of an episode of Northern Exposure.
I don’t believe this is true. This just seems like a scam to me. I tried to send e-mails to my past self, but the only response I got was from some loser named “MAILER DAEMON.”