If I Were Queen: My First 3 Acts Upon Becoming Your Beloved Empress For Life
And these fantasies reveal the embarrassing truth that I’m a libertarian for myself — and a conservative for everyone else.
OK: maybe “fascist” is more accurate.
My split personality really comes out when I watch Parking Wars.
Half of me sides with the park-ers, who are, in their own pathetic way, giving the finger to The Man.
“Who owns these roads anyhow? Aren’t there some rapists the law could be chasing? We’re forced to pay your salary, Mr. Uniformed Drone” — and so forth.
Then the parking enforcement guy shows up, and I switch sides.
“I hate people who are always trying to get away with stuff. What if we all broke the rules? Throw the book – or at least, the ticket – at ‘em!”
So you can see why putting me in charge of anything, let alone the world, would be a mistake.
I’m afraid that, armed with that much power, my inner dictator would win the day.
I know this because my first duty upon taking the throne would be to…
I like the idea of a sales tax better than a flat tax. There should be no income taxes at all…literally.
BTW, I hate baby boomers, too. Eff ‘em. And I agree that the “greatest generation” doesn’t seem so great after having raising that lot of spoiled rotten, hypocritical looters who are trashing the country for everyone that comes after them.
I have always, always hated the phrase “The Greatest Generation.” Its an easy slogan for use by limousine-leftists like Brokaw, Hanks and Spielberg, to soothe their own inner guilt. And I say this as a 50-year-old who deeply loves and admires my Dad, who was a radio-operator/machine-gunner in a World War II bomber.
“Greatest Generation”? What about those generations who braved the royal authorities and the Atlantic Ocean in tiny ships and created viable colonies along the eastern seaboard? Or that generation who rose up against “No Taxation without Representation” and created the best country and system of government yet, or those generations who looked to the American West for opportunities and planted civilization there, or who fought in both the Union and Confederate Armies?
And don’t get me wrong–I have major problems with the Baby Boomers, although I know they’re not all bad either.
I’ve been saying this for decades and I AM a boomer. My parents and their whole generation should rot in hell.
Nueces, may God be merciful to you. God said in His Word:
“… “Honor your father and your mother.” And, “Whoever curses father or mother, let him die the death.”" (Matthew 7:10) and you have done just that (cursed your parents that is). Whatever their failings (and all parents have them), they are your parents. As for you, obviously you need to work on your own failures as your parent’s child and as a human being.
I’d do almost everything you’d do! Except I’d let my fellow geeks have their movie quotes. BTW, Afghanistan did once have its own world-class monumental artwork, at Bamiyan – remember? If only the place had remained Buddhist, how different might our times be now!
“I’m getting rid of the Olympics. Sorry.”
You do realize that the US Olympics teams do not receive federal support. Only country to do so. (And I’m not equating non-profit, not taxed as federal support.)
Yep, but the Olympics are hopelessly corrupt and hypocritical, and its long history of anti-Semitism is distasteful. Best to destroy it before they bring ballroom dancing aboard.
Are they (gov’mint) still considering taxing the participants on their winnings? We are the only country doing this and I think it is disgusting that they even considered doing it.
Would that be inside or outside the residence? Details do matter, y’know.
hey, thanks for the photo- clip of luke hugging darth vader. the kids got a framed print of it to give to their dad for father’s day. It’s up on big-art-for-dad bookshelf in the living room.
really, thanks. the kids were so happy to give that to him. He was weirded out- “I’m the worst guy in the galaxy???” and they were, like, for sure, ” No!! He’s the coolest dad in the galaxy!” and he went to go see “That’s My Boy!” and you know, Adam Sandler names his kid Han Solo. He came home happy. They all loves each others.
You’re clawing your eye-balls out with a spork right now, I bet, but, really- thank you.
I’m not sure it’s the only child aspect in play here–I’m the fourth of five children, both my parents have at least two siblings and a load of cousins, and I’ve always wondered what I would do if some quirk of fate made me dictator, empress, or khan (my personal title preference).
Probably a good thing that doesn’t come to pass, though. My low tolerance for misbehavior made me a pretty good babysitter, but I’m not sure you should encourage me to punish on a scale that involves nuclear weapons.
They can’t? When New Jersey enacted Welfare Reform, the Church was afraid that it would lead to more abortions. So they declared that it would go into effect nine months after passage.
Not only did illigitimacy go down, so did abortion.
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P.S. Is it OK to say someone is like Gandhi if you mean it as an insult?
I’ll accept that!
The first thought that always pops into my head when I hear the name “Gandhi” is the line spoken by Maureen Lipman playing the part of Margaret Thatcher in the 1985 Michael Caine movie, Water:
“…some anorexic little loony in a loincloth…”
Actually, you’re only half right. Abortions have gone down. But illegitimacy is waaaaay up.Close to 50 percent of white babies and 75 percent of black babies are born to single mothers.
“…Muslim immigration to the West ceases immediately….Universities will return to teaching whatever subjects they were teaching one hundred years ago…”
Thank you. I do realize that we who affirm these principles will likely be put up against a wall if Obama gets a second term, and many of us have already been subjected to much abuse because we believe these things, but I’m glad to go on record that you are 100% correct and reasonable here, Kathy.
Of course, it won’t help. It will just destory the existing departments as sociology turns into womens’ studies.
On a sort of related note, Roger Scruton wrote a good article on the problems we face with trying to win back the culture….
http://spectator.org/archives/2012/08/06/waving-not-drowning
An excerpt:
“…we can encourage [younger people] to see the point of how we lived, and to recognize that freedom without responsibility is, in the end, an empty asset. We can tell them stories of the old virtues, and enlarge their sympathies toward a world in which suffering and sacrifice were not the purely negative things that they are represented to be by the consumer culture but an immovable part of any lasting happiness. Our task, in other words, is now less political than cultural — an education of the sympathies, which requires from us virtues (such as imagination, creativity, and a respect for high culture) that have a diminishing place in the world of politics.”
In September 2011 Osama bin Laden was in Kandahar, not Tora Bora. The first is a city, the second is a mountainous region with virtually no population. You just wasted a nuke.
If you had gone to college, you’d probably know that.
Buzz@11:06 AM sez:
“In September 2011 Osama bin Laden was in Kandahar, not Tora Bora. The first is a city, the second is a mountainous region with virtually no population. You just wasted a nuke.
If you had gone to college, you’d probably know that.”
Not necessarily true, Buzz, at least from what I’ve seen of college graduates from the last twenty years or so.
Agreed. Few American college grads could find Afghanistan on a map.
And while I may not have gone to college, I’m the one who gets to write for PJMedia, while you don’t!
so, there’s that…
Maybe your FIRST act should be to hire an adviser of some kind to keep you from doing things like bombing Tora Bora rather than Kandahar. Unless, of course, you’d LIKE to be a laughing stock among dictators. Well, even more of a joke than the others….
Why are you assuming that she only wants to kill Osama Bin Laden and only wants to nuke Tora Bora? There are plenty of good targets for our nukes. All in good time.
I would have used four. Four planes – four cities, including Mecca.
I stridently object to your characterization of Afghanistan culture, Afghanistan very much had a long cultural tradition including sites like the Bamiyan Buddhas which put Stonehenge to shame.
Wait, September 2001? Oh nevermind, the Taliban had already blown up the cultural sites by then and wiped out the culture.
The thing about the Afghans is that they beat the British, twice, I think; they beat the Russians, and apparently, they have beat us, too.
Actually, the truth is pretty much the opposite: in the First Afghan War, the East India Company wrecked Afghanistan to the point where Dost Mohammed Khan had to spend the last twenty years of his life trying to put it back together (he almost, but not quite, succeeded), and in the Second the (by-then) British government of India deposed one emir (Sher Ali) and made his replacement (Abdur Rahman) dependent on them. And the Soviets weren’t defeated by Pashtun warriors (who tend to run, screaming like little girls, when confronted by organized opponents), but by American stingers.
I would permanently ban all of the music of The Eagles.
Granted, but not Henley’s solo stuff, surely?
Except for “Journey of the Sorcerer”, the last track on side 2 of the “One of These Nights” LP.
It has redeeming value because it was the theme of the original “Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” on radio.
The rest of them? Ick.
cheers
eon
A tactical nuclear weapon would hardly dent Tora Bora, but a couple of full-size strategic ones might.
But more to the point we don’t care about any freakin’ mountain and don’t much care about any one man, not even Osama bin Laden, so if you want to nuke stuff, you nuke the cities. The lesson is, “If you see anyone in your country making bad plans about the US, you’re far, far better off killing him yourself right now no matter what the cost.”
If you’re going to be empress, let’s get it right.
You caught me!
I agree with you Josh, but here in Canada, calling for “genocide” is illegal “hate speech” — so I was trying to hedge my bets, even though I’m writing for a US site.
Nobody is calling for genocide.
It’s simply a matter of getting their attention, setting the context.
… but I won’t bother to extend the argument which is after all just a recitation, and I understand if you were just trying to save your bacon.
I would direct all my scientists to stop fiddling with this global warming hoo-hah and find a way to keep my cereal crunchy in milk.
“Comparisons of anyone to Martin Luther King, Gandhi and Rosa Parks are also subject to a fine (amount to be determined.)” OK, but points should be AWARDED if the comparison is backhanded, e.g. your own observation of one gay icon’s elevation making him “the Rosa Parks of buttsex” –which was flawless.
I quit the blood thinner, the statin, and the beta blocker last month… so, if you ever need a drinking buddy in North Carolina I’m cleared for take out. But please, just this once, allow me to say, “Leave the gun. Bring the Cannoli.”
More Cowbell!!!!!! You gotta have more cowbell!! Yeah!
“This will be enacted overnight, because I hate Baby Boomers.”…
This coming from a member of the most spoiled, self infatuated, under worked, overpaid, underachieving conceited group of whiners?
Sounds to me like you’re projecting your mommy/daddy/parent/child issues on a whole generation (or two generations possibly).
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
She put caps on Baby Boomers. I’m happy. Where did I put my teeth?
You absolutely glow. How on earth did you become yourself?!? I would be happy to offer my Marine Corps training in helping you ascend to power, Ma’am.
BOOK RECOMMENDATION: THE THREE CHRISTS OF YPSILANTI.
I believe it is by Milton Rokeach.
Three paranoid schizophrenics who had assumed the identity of Jesus Christ were transferred into residing in one room. Each discovered the presence of two imposters. There is more. Probably available as a used book if not in the library
Ha ha! Look at Joe all touchy and stuff. Sorry Joe, but all that peace, pot and free sex doesn’t count as the character building obstacles of life that you think it does. And your struggle against the most high of all evils the Vietnam War? It was a transparent and cowardly act of shirking your duty.
Anne Frank’s tree and the house gets burned down. Liberals will be forced to live in public housing and their children attend public schools. All jizyah to Muslim countries is cut off.
All hail the Bullet Bra-ed (well fitted) dictatorix!
But the crowd suggestions have merit! Vote left and your kids instantly are transferred to the public school nearest your house.
Nukes are nasty but effective teachers.
Enact your measures Day 1 with no break in period. Short term pain will produce results.
You might think about banning swearing in public – simply because the dimwits on the bus are so f**king bad at f**king swearing. The words are not bad, the usage is awful.
I’d also like to see a means of petitioning individuals to Coventry – basic if you could gather 100K signatures dickheads like Warren Kinsella or that annoying “pastor” who pickets funerals would be sent to a well guarded settlement on Baffin Island for a year. No trial. Just a simple petition saying “Warren Kinsella is intolerable in a civilized society”. Get a 100K signatures and he swims with the poley bears. (Poor things.)
Please make cyclists ride on side streets.
Thnx in advance…
Sure, great idea. Cyclists are even more clueless on side streets. I don’t know how often I have seen them sail through stop signs with out slowing down or checking traffic. I personally prefer riding on main streets due to less stops. Of course the amount of idiots out there are just waiting for their Darwin Award.
Nothing about the EPA? Eliminating that agency would probably double the GDP of North America.
Fire the worst 10% of public school teachers. Replacing them with even mediocre teachers would lead to a significantly better educated population.
Please let me quote from the Godfather! And don’t forget our immediate withdrawal from the United Nations.
MY first task would be a phone call to the HMFIC in Saudi to explain his new responsibility regarding our air traffic safety: to wit, we lose an airplane, you lose Mecca. We lose another bird, you lose Medina. And so on.
My second call would be to fire the TSA.
And somewhere in that first day I would outlaw islam.
The second day i would “remove” all mosques.
A House of Repeal would be added to Congress. Any law, spending or regulation could be revoked with a simple majority vote. And no parliamentary rules to hold stuff up.
All members of Congress are term limited – retroactively. Goodbye “career” politicians.
Agree wholeheartedly w/ Chris #11. Henceforth ALL Eagles music to be permanently BANNED and existing copies destroyed. Punishment for for reproducing, playing, distributing, covering or listening etc. to be determined by nature and degree of offense, however; any of these actions in regards to Hotel California is punishable by death. Slow, painful death.
All hail our new Empress!! The libs are all about dictators, so I’m sure they’ll be fine with it.
Can I sign on for the Imperial Guard?
Orion
In the middle 1930′s when Social Security was designed and became law, the infant and young child death rate was far higher than it is today. That pulled the stats for average life expectancy down at the time.
Now, of course, adults, also, did tend to die somewhat more often at younger ages than is true today due to many factors such as fewer effective medications and treatments being available and nutrition possibly being not as good as what it is today (though the nutritional differences between today and the 1930′s is perhaps a complicated issue).
However, even in the 1930′s, plenty of people lived to be older than 65, many much older than that. A smaller percentage than today, yes, but perhaps not as many fewer as most people assume. Once an individual got past the danger years of infancy and young childhood, he or she had a pretty good shot at a reasonable life span.
It is not quite true that Social Security was never meant to pay off, but it certainly was not expected to be required to pay off for as many people as are now living to collect from it.
However, it is always useful to remember that high infant/young child mortality in earlier years pulled average life span figures down, giving a somwhat misleading idea of how common it was to reach old age once a person managed to live to adulthood. It was more common than the average life expectancy figures suggest.
“but it certainly was not expected to be required to pay off for as many people as are now living to collect from it. “
Hence obamacare. The socialists know how to save money and restore efficiency. They have a couple of centuries of research on population control along with substandard medical care to solve that pesky, “over 65″ thing.
I would privatize all public schools with the exception of state-funded schools for the handicapped (a complicated issue that would have to be worked out).
All teachers, administrators, and all other school employees would receive stock in the newly-privatized schools, with initial stock given figured on the basis of seniority, level, and whatever reasonable measures of merit exist within the system.
I can see attitudes toward teaching well and expecting one’s colleagues to teach well improving very, very fast under such a system.
All privatized schools would be free to offer whatever curicula emphases that they believe would attract students’ parents to seek to enroll their children there: ethnic studies of any sort as long as not endorsing violence/hatred against other ethnic groups, music, trades, visual arts, math/science, history/civics, world studies, religious/parochial, etc.
The privatized schools would be freed from the requirement to hire only state-certified teachers. They would also be free to determine their own schedules. Tenure would be abolished since all teachers and administrators would be owners of their own schools.
Parents would be required to purchase their children’s school books, and the market in used school books would emerge quickly especially over the internet. This might well encourage parents to take some interest in what is contained in their childrens’ educational materials since the parents would be paying for them and seeking a reasonable used-book market value for them.
State aid would follow the child to whatever school he or she was enrolled in.
Start-up would obviously be chaotic, but I would predict that the initial problems would be worked out faster than anyone would guess. Improvements in teaching methods and materials would increase a lot over time, as well.
The positive results would surprise a lot of people.
Objection, Your Honor! Counsel is asserting something not in evidence!
I have a bad feeling about this.
•Quotations from any Godfather or Star Wars film
Crap. Will you take a check?
Was with you, but banning references to “The Godfather” is simply beyond the pale. Otherwise I pay fealty and await your coronation.Keep your friends close, my queen, and your enemies closer.
Agree about Boomers and the endlessly awful and now happily thinned out ‘Greatest Generation’ (my ass). Not too keen about Gens X and Y either. And the Millennials elevate the words arrogant and ignorant to new levels.
You need to work on your knowledge of nukes. The neutron bomb is the solution to most of this. For practice, start with France.
We need the French. Who else is so perfect for ridicule? The fiddle tune, “Bonaparte’s Retreat,” always cheers me up.
We don’t have to get rid of Social Security. Just reform it so that it kicks in 7 years past the average age of death. That way the average age of receiving benefits would be “dead”.
I always thought I shoulg be emperor of the world, but i’m now supporting Shaidle.
I’ve always thought they misnamed nukes. Should have called them Nuns. Exceedingly quick and completely deadly teachers and chock full of reality to boot!
Viva Shaidle!
While I agree with most of your rulings Kathy, the only problem I foresee is you’d have to get someone to saw the legs off the throne so as to fit you….. lol good article..
You forgot a few:
Misuse of any of the following words:
USE of any of the following:
BOOK OPPORTUNITY
THE THREE CHRISTS OF YPSILANTI, by Milton Rokeach
I read it decades ago and was entranced. It is now reissued in paperback. At Ypsilanti State Hospital in Michigan, three paranoid patients who had become Jesus Christ were moved into the same room. In a painfully short period of time, each discovers himself in the presence of two imposters….
Made into a movie, it would be more interesting than “My Dinner With Andre.”
Dr. Rokeach participated with others in a basic book on belief, THE OPEN AND CLOSED MIND. It explores the authoritarian personality, and surprisingly the closed mind’s appreciation of deductive reasoning. I found it very useful in explaining all those amazing religions which erupted from 1790s France, much like vermin streaming from the cooling mortal remains of Thomas a-Becket, lying in the cathedral.
‘I’m getting rid of the Olympics.’
Well, I guess you wouldn’t be the first emperor to do that.
Nothing planned for people who speak in the theater?
My only wish is that Steve Marriott (Small Faces, Humble Pie) gets into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Whirled Peas can wait.
I would like to add incorrect use of the word “exponentially” to the banned list.