5 Ways Parents Can Transform Their Wild Boys into Mature Men
2. Teach Him to Reject a Disposable World.
By most standards it was a nice truck — solid white with a full back seat, and less than two years old. At 19, this wasn’t even Steve’s first truck.
Traveling down a country road with a buddy, he took a sharp right off-road into the middle of a cornfield. It didn’t take long for the little truck to get stuck in the freshly plowed field. He threw it in forward, then reverse, and back again. Wheels spun, mud flew, and the engine roared. But all he managed to accomplish was digging deeper ruts to nestle his tires in.
“You’re going to blow your motor!” his wide-eyed passenger shouted as he clung with both hands onto the side grip handle above the door.
“So? That would be cool. Then I get a new truck!”
Abundance tends to breed waste. If it’s cheap, we expect it to break so we can toss it and get another one. This mindset can spill over into every area of life. It doesn’t have to be inexpensive to not hold its value.
Now in his late 30s, Steve has already had three wives and countless relationships.
If we want our boys to see the value in the big things in life as men, they must learn to appreciate and care for the little things as boys.
Even a child instinctively knows — easy come, easy go.
Each of my four boys, at around the age of 2 1/2, has said “It’s a squller! I haffa chase it.” and does. Because they do.
And your article is exactly why we moved to an acre on the side of a mountain.
Good going, Jeanette! This sort of thought-environment is why, after traveling all over the country, my family (I’m an Orthodox priest–I get to have a family!)and I settled in Indiana.
The question of child-rearing comes up often, in my business, and I am always grateful to see articles that make sense rising above the killer-mist of “gender ambivalence” that’s being pushed on our society.
This is actually one of the finest and most profound pieces on the subject of raising boys that I have ever read.
I LIKE “old-fashioned” ideas about boys because they are RIGHT.
The author here is just indulging her fantasies.
You didn’t read the whole article. It is clear the author is affirming godly traditional male roles in our society. You just read the title and thought she was talking through her hat.
people who do not read the article should not comment on it.
I’m more than a bit doubtful that any significant number of mothers can teach their sons to be men.
jidcat said “I’m more than a bit doubtful that any significant number of mothers can teach their sons to be men.
I’m inclined to agree with you to some degree. However, I sense there might be more to that statement you have left unsaid.
Boys need men to call them out. What mother’s can do most, is to recognize they are not girls, and not treat them as such. Most of all, let them be boys and teach them to respect their mothers.
While I do agree boys need men in their lives to teach them to be men, that’s not to say mothers don’t play a significant role in the process.
Good article, I agree with it and live it while raising my 2 boys, however, I must take issue with your comment, “Boys need men to call them out”.
Boys need men, but more often than not, I am the one who calls them out simply because I spend significantly more time with them and pay closer attention to their behavior.
The best book I ever read about raising children was called “Raising Boys” by Ralph Biddulph (I think that’s the author’s name, it’s been years!) It was really my blueprint for raising my two.
My experience as both a boy and a father of boys is that the men teach the boy how to act, and the mom enforces it by her response to his behavior either good or bad.
And as far as kidiots go, card carrying member of the club. My mom used to say, as recently as 3 years ago and I’m in my mid 50′s, “why don’t you just cut your head off and be done with it?”
My wife reminds me of that sage advice every time she take same to the emergency room. As we were sitting in the emergency room the nurse suggested they assign us a parking place.
Boys need Dads, heck girls need them too, but for different reasons. I’m forty years old and raising a thirteen year old. I was on the phone with my father not too long ago and we were discussing my rather turbulent teenaged years. I said to my Dad, “You know, I don’t think I listened to a word you said, but later I realized I was very influenced by your actions.”
My father went to work every day. He fixed the cars; he (and we two boys) took care of the lawn. He respected my mother, his wife, and would not suffer us to talk to her disrespectfully. He came home in the afternoon from the restaurant, prepped dinner, and then went back for the evening shift. My mom would come home and make in time for him to arrive and we all sat down to dinner. Afterward my father made my brother and I clean everything up. In short, I had a good father that taught me through action how to be a good man. Oh he taught me plenty of things along the way, but how to be a man wasn’t immediately apparent.
Boys need moms too. That’s the dynamic. A child needs two parents, both contribute, positively or negatively, on their child’s future self. Can a single mom or single dad raise a child successfully? Absolutely, but those parents are working at a disadvantage. However, I’d rather see a child raised by a single parent in a positive environment, than two parents in a negative one.
I wish you had not left God out of it. Ultimately, the real reason we should do anything, as well as how we should go about it has to be “because God said so.” Any lesser reason is necessarily subjective; and A’s opinion is no better than is B’s: because the ultimate Cause is human- not Divine.
It is wonderful, is it not, when Mother is able to guide her boy into manhood? And pitiful when Father chooses not to do so? Or when Father has not, himself, become a man, and cannot do so? And equally awful if Mother makes her son into a Peter Pan?
“…that’s not to say mothers don’t play a significant role in the process.”
Tremendously so, Rhonda! A mother is “all women” to a boy. If his concerns are unimportant, all women are bad. If his self-esteem, privacy, or male-speific injuries are unimportant, it’ll be hell for him and those around him when he’s grown and using anger as his shield. Of course if she’s a good mother, then all flows for the boy.
Can a mother parent a boy alone? While sometimes she has to, human beings, boys and girls, have so much capacity, within a world that is so tough, that a sihngle parent or two parents may not be enough to mold the many forces of their psyches – and so no blame can circulate if a child still goes a little wrong – and commits no physical assaults.
What about males that are rapists? I guarantee their Moms were bad. THe circle of violence is then: One man is hated. The next man gets some action of his overreacted to and becoms he’s mad at women. Then she’s mad about being discounted and not trusted, then it gets physical, then it gets legal, then words can’t explain sufficiently, there’s a victim and a saint, men won’t explain, and women claim victory in some false, selfish world that is all smiles and last-worded, final say, final answer against violence.
The final say is actually the person who stops. It’s the one person who choses not to pursue violence, not the same person who choses the greater violence while seeking victim/saint status simultaneously from peers and confused courts with males giving either a compliant or an impress-women response – nothing from the spineless insides that resembles holding any attacker strictly accountable.
Right and wrong are simple, not political and not selfish. Fair is simple. Taking responsibility is a simple concept, and a very difficult practice for those so skilled at running from it.
When pigs fly, they will.
“And he sent them out to gather in the beasts, two by two.”
Men do what they do, some poorly, some better.
Ditto, women.
With two strong parents, little is impossible. Boys need Moms and Dads.
Ditto young girls.
Now that we’ve destroyed that, all will inexorably go to Hell. No book will save you, Mom. Even the wrong man will be no help. Shoulda’ listened to Grandma. She knew.
Count on it.
I know a couple of 50-somethings who came up with a similar plan to deal with a skunk in our barn. I’m married to one of them.
You married a …? Oh, sorry.
Hmmm.
“Squashed skunk” or even “scared skunk”? Inside a barn? Does anyone plan to use that barn any year soon?
Our condolences to and praye for him.
I’m glad to hear there are mothers like y’all still around.
I sumbled over a web comic called “Preteena” that had a fun drawing. Three mothers in a hospital waiting room, talking about the dumb things their kids did to end up there. On the wall are two signs. One points one direction and says “Emergency Ward”, the second points the other direction and says “Kidiots”.
Is there a father in Zachary’s household?
Yes. There certainly is. That’s where he got his excellent work ethic. Don’t forget, he did earn his new toys.
Did you really need to ask?
Moms, I really hate to tell you, but there are many young male-old male conversations that go something like this:
Dopey Kid: Dad, I need to borrow some tools.
Dad: Like what kinda tools?
K: You know, saws and such.
D: What the Hell are you doing?
K: We wanna build a Fort on the vacant lot. There’s lotsa trees there, and we want to chop them down, so we need axes, hatchets, saws…and stuff.
D: What you really want is this special tree saw. I don’t trust you with an axe or a hatchet. I don’t think you’d kill anyone on purpose, but, accidentally, it’s a distinct possibility. With a saw, you can maybe give them a bad scratch. But BE CAREFUL anyway! Trees are bigger and heavier than they look, and make sure they fall AWAY from you idiots! If one falls on you, you’re freakin’ DEAD!
K: Oh, we don’t want to kill anyone! We’ll be careful!
D: Take that saw, and, if the blade gets pinched, here’s a chisel to drive in so the saw don’t get stuck.
K: Wow, Dad. I never knew you could be so cool about this!
D: Just remember, if your Mom gets wise, you stole the tools, you never spoke to me, you were just being stupid kids, right?
K: Oh, yeah! I get it. Okay, Dad. I’ll be careful.
D: Make sure you are. Your Mom can be really pissed after a night in the emergency room. And if some Cop stops you, all that goes TRIPLE! They don’t hang young boys…at least not yet.
K: OK. Thanks, Dad.
D: Just be CAREFUL! For Chrissakes!
Now, honestly, Mom. Are you prepared to do that? Where in heck to you think Grant and Patton came from? We’re doing a service to our Nation! In fact, we are instructing our sons in the righteous Path of Liberty! When the British needed shootin’, who indeed shot them? A Strong Man, with his Adventurous Son by his side!
That’s our story, and we’re stickin’ to it. (Sorry for the emergency room, though. Remember, we LOVE YOU, Honey! I’ll make those fresh yeast blueberry pancakes you like so much tomorrow for breakfast, just in case you’re still sore. As you have every right to be.
Snookums.
My LOVE.)
My mother taught me a few essential truths at an early age: Learn to accept disappointment; Master your temper so it does not master you; Learn when to be quiet, when to be loud and how to tell the difference; Don’t shame your family in public.
From my father I learned: Emulate great men (my oldest memory is the Saint George costume I got for my 4th birthday); Never stop learning; Try hobbies that will test your patience, concentration and creativity; Do not neglect the rituals and cycles of life.
I cannot say that I have achieved greatness in life, but I have a family who love me, a good job, many old friends and no great shame to regret. And all of this I owe to the patient, wise guidance of my parents, may God bless their memory.
Mother’s are absolutely essential in raising boys. My mother was a hard spoken, critical cuss of a woman, of Irish New York decent. She came from a hard working line of women (her mother still works in security at 80+) and became the FBI’s very first forensic accountant, a title a man can consequently never hold. Growing up in New Mexico and Arizona, I and my brothers were constantly criticized by for not achieving, behaving, too lazy this, or why can’t you do that. Yelling was an almost daily occurrence. I assure you, something she realizes now, be weathering her storms and using me OWN will to not exercise such vice, but instead practice opposite virtue, much of which were displayed by my great father growing up, helped to even out her nurturing disaster. Whether you one chooses or not, a mother’s behavior absolutely has an effect on her son’s behavior, but the results can surprise you! I know guys who came from very positive and kid friendly environments, with discipline and love in every corner, who have substance abuse problems now, are terrible parents, and possess a high amount of low self-esteem.
The results may surprise you.
I always say, “The lesson we intend to teach our kids is not always the same one our kids will learn from us.”
To build a young man’s character apply controlled doses of adult responsibility – age appropriate and with support.
In my house it was teaching my son to shoot and hunt. And yes the men doing the teaching have to really know what they are doing. Demonstrate skill and earn trust based on performance. And make them clean the gun they use afterward. Own the whole cycle. In a few words – prepare them for responsibility.
I like to call it the zen of shooting. You can’t put the bullet back in the barrel after its gone downrange. It’s a one way function, like plenty of other life decisions. Saying sorry won’t fix some things, so do it right the first time. Results matter, intentions not so much. Pay attention. You CAN do it if you put forth the effort.
Men aren’t socialized into the traditional male role by women. They are socialized into the traditional male role by other men. In evidence, I give you any inner city or suburban population where fatherlessness born of teen pregnancy and unwed motherhood is the norm. Gangs become the point of reference for manhood in the absence of an interested and participating father. I’m sure I would get protests pointing out examples of successful men raised without fathers but they would be the exceptions proving the rule.
Cute sword games and morality lectures are no substitute for the living examples of discipline and sacrifice offered up by one mother married to one father who loves her, as the bible says, “as Christ loves the church.” I’ve come to take that verse as meaning sacrifice and unconditional love in the face of all the human best and human worst that a family unit can and will muster as they grow. If we can achieve that, as I still hope to as I approach my 24th year of marriage and 13th year of fatherhood, then it doesn’t matter if we live on a farm or in a cardboard box.
A mother may give her son a love of learning, a good self image, a healthy appetite, an eye for beauty, a model for his future wife, an indispensable sense of security and love, and many other things but she will not ever, ever give him manhood by herself.
Absolutely right!
The 73% black mom-households and 40+% nationwide mom-households have in no time produced a nation of feminized men who take only 43% of the university seats, less actually graduating, have IQs that sank under the girls’, and required the military to take openly gay men.
This is true. I have made sure my boys have solid mentors and role models as well as as much time with their father as he has available. They need to SEE how men behave, because they will learn by watching.
I can teach them pretty much everything else.
I second that, but would just make the added observation that it is also important that the adult male in the boy’s life also conducts himself as the kind of man they wish the boy will grow up to be.
A negative father figure can cause as much or more harm as no father figure at all.
Well done!
Now do the same game on American women that grow up to be man-hating shrews instead of women.
you mean like the majority of the women that post in these forums? LOL!
There are still many places in the world where boys – and girls, too, of course – are raised with the understanding that work is honourable and contributing to the family’s well-being is something to take pride in. I saw this in an eye-opening trip to Northwestern China. Life in underdeveloped places like this is hard but the payoff seems to be that children know they are valued by their parents, not resource-draining liabilities who must be expensively fed, schooled, and entertained in the vague hope that they may eventually get a high-paying job and be able to support their parents in return. The children I saw there seemed to have far more sense of self-worth and dignity than many of the spoiled and cossetted urban children I teach here in prosperous Eastern China, who have never had to do a second of physical work in their lives.
Boys AND girls need two responsible parents in their lives, and from all historical indications, one of each gender fulfilling their tradtional roles works the best.
A return to prevalence of the traditional nuclear family would solve most of the ills that plague society today. It really is just that simple. Would all kids turn out great if raised that way? Nope, some are wired wrong from birth, but at least they would have the best chance possible.
Greetings:
My father came to this country from southwest Ireland in 1927, in time for the Great Depression and then, at the age of 35, to be drafted in the US Army as an infantryman, with side trips to Saipan and Peleliu. After the war, he worked as a truck driver in new York City’s construction industry.
His philosophy of manhood had two fundamental principles. The first was the responsibility “to protect and provide”. The second was the ability to tell yourself, “No!” I have found very little that falls outside those two ranges.
The best guide to raising “dangerous” children:
http://alfin2101.blogspot.com/
6. Don’t take advice from mothers. Fathers know how to raise boys into men. Women can’t raise boys into men. It would be nice if they could, and I know all you women would rather live in denial and repeat to yourselves over and over that you can raise your sons to be good men, but here’s a clue: you can’t. Keep trying and you will fail.
7. Boy Scouts. This is a homosexual-free zone that will teach your sons useful, honorable skills. Make sure the scout leaders are men and not women.
8. When you are around your sons and your husband, muzzle yourself. Avoid the urge to correct your sons and above all, avoid the urge to correct or direct your husband.
9. Keep your submission issues to yourself. Read the bible and follow the directions.
10. Take your sons to a real church. Not some Presbyterian or Episcopal or Methodist salon for beta-males and feminists. A real church. One where the pastor is a male and the deacons are male.
Hope that helps.
You da man.
Just to emphasize #6, all you women who are commenting who believe that you can raise you sons to be strong, honorable men need to check your vapid belief structures at the door.
You can’t. Those boys need their father, and their father needs not to be a beta male who is chicken-pecked by his domineering wife.
Always be very suspicious of an article about raising boys that’s written by a woman. That stuff in #5 about World Vision International is exactly how we get beta-male liberals. Buying a sense of charity and generosity only leads to smugness. Volunteering at a VFW, food bank, hospital or other worthy cause is real charity and it teaches your son how to enrich his own community first. Simply giving away money is the lazy liberal way. Volunteering time and effort is far more valuable, and teaches far more than charity and generosity.
Never attack an unarmed foe? You’ve been watching far too many old westerns. While quaint, that notion is simply dangerous. There are many situations where a foe will not be armed and hesitation could be deadly. Your son could ponder that while he’s being choked to death by an unarmed foe. Modern foes do not possess any honor, so don’t assume that they do.
The entire article is rife with stereotypes and wisdom from a by-gone era. The present world is not as innocent as you seem to think. As others have pointed out, women cannot create real men. As such, women cannot advise about nor write instructions about creating men. We are having enough trouble with feminine males; please refrain from adding to the problem.
Okay, I’ve had enough. This goes for you, Sir, and the men that have a minor, but not fully substantial, point:
A good woman can raise good men. Her words speak to her character and her respect for both genders. Can you imagine more than perhaps 5% of today’s so-called empowered women, omnipresent in the media and leaning Left, capable of putting the words such as the author’s on paper? Impossible equals the closest odds they would have. It would not enter their minds. The Left’s females and oh-so-supportive males would construct this brilliant article:
“How To Suppress a Boy’s Spirit and All Of a Man’s Enthusiasm For Life, Support Men To Stay In The Background, Drift In High School and Not Attend College, and Report To The Bedrooom When Sex Is Sought.” Subtitle: “Which Needs To Be Perfect and I’m Not Taking Responsibilty For Any Of It (Because I’m Too Busy Discussing ‘The Wimpy, Out-Of-Work, And Unendowed Men To My Girlfriends’ Applause).”
Of course, the title would be changed to appeal to delusional and the selfish (the proud and the damned). Their most-common blog would cover all the topics of the realistically-titled article, and do so in creative, always cheerful, “The Frisky.Com” ways. Unless a soft man wrote it. The article’s meaning would be truly incomprehensible in that case:
Is the male author for or against…something, or anything at all? He used an elevated vocabulary. Perhaps he’s a college professor? **This would be your average, thinking person’s assessment of Mr. Seek-Female-Attention-And-Approval-At-The-Cost-Of-All-My-Self-Respect’s article.
Men, straighten up. When a genuine woman speaks, a good woman (versus all the others that could speak/write/talk/spread stories about your love life and call it “sharing” while not recognizing the disloyalty), it behooves you to find the merit of her words and be extremely grateful. It shows there’s hope from the opposite gender. We can be complete as a human race. It’s the same hope women need from men. Being a good man does not mean being compliant, hopeless, excessively angry, or losing what she needs, which is a man of substance.
So when good women speak, just listen. You know you agreed with the author until your chauvenistic side came out. Fix that. It’s not entirely useless (a man’s pride), but it can pose unnecessary obstacles to your mind and heart. Not only be grateful when wise words are spoken by women – know you can learn from such women. Which then benefits…you.
That’s the ultimate case of winning – not being “the man.” I’m about as chauvenistic as a woman can tolerate. Any more and no one is happy. Please give it a rest/pause/or forget it – when women words and hearts are in such a good places. It’s clear as a sunny day when they are building and not manipulating, healing and not corrosive, strong and not overly-empowered, wise and not just skilled at calculating, empathetic and not joyous when observing male pain.
Garner women’s respect, please, men. When women put their strong efforts into writings, to lift our often fallen gender, to give perspective to small-minded, blind, and uncaring women, and provide hope to both genders, it’s a rare treat of big picture, sweetness, and useful advice. -Best to everyone.-
When my boys were about 3, they fought all of the time. As I walked into the living room, one was on top of the other, throwing a punch. I yelled ‘Freeze,’ and they did. I asked, ” Are you fighting?” “Yes, we’re fighting Dad.” “Do you want to fight?” “Yes, I want to fight.” “So do I.” “OK, go ahead and fight, but if you get hurt, I don’t want to hear about it.” “OK” The fight continued. Five minutes late, I walked by, and they were both reading. (Yes, they could read age three, both of them.
When my boys were about 8, they were obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They were fighting all of the time. So I offered, if they wanted to train, to send them to karate school. The deal was, no more fighting outside of class. It would be too dangerous if they were trained. The second part of the deal was that they would both finish, becoming at least first degree black belts. They agreed. So they never fought again at home that I know of. The older one went to Princeton in Chemical Engineering, the younger one to UCLA in Electrical Engineering. We avoided the problem my cousins had, where one of them knocked out most of his brother’s teeth with a brick when they were kids.
Karate training is good, try it, you’ll like it.
Hehe…yeah, martial arts training can come quite in handy.
Rumor I was made aware of recently, was that my son took up for a friend who was being bullied by a much older kid. This kid was older and at least a foot taller, had a reputaton for getting into trouble. When my son intervened to protect his smaller (AND asthhmatic!) , friend one thing led to another, and the bully somehow ended up head first in the urinal and had a cracked arm.
The school still is unsure exactly how the bully managed to be that clumsy and how this puny asthmatic managed to beat up the bully…at least this is the rumor.
Most mothers would be scared to take their pre-teen son with a fascination for guns to the local gun club. Better to let him play with first person shooter video games.
Most mothers would be reluctant to teach their sons to use real tools for building a fort, sweating a joint with copper pipe, or even pruning a tree. Better to call some “expert”.
Most mothers would never think to take their sons to a drag strip, a small airfield, or a construction site. Better to show them museums where things sit inside nice little cases.
Most mothers would not know where to start teaching their sons how to change the oil on a lawn tractor, let alone remove and sharpen the blades of the mowing deck.
Most mothers would discourage their sons from experimenting with chemicals in the garage. Better to let them learn chemistry in local schools where they don’t really teach them how to make stuff go fizz or bang.
But a father would join in, and get dirty with his son. Except those metrosexual types who barely know which end of a screwdriver to pick up. Mind you, I am not defining fatherhood based on mechanical prowess, but curiosity, exploration, self discipline, responsibility, and the use of dangerous tools within prescribed limits.
Women do these things too. But the role of motherhood is to teach one to be sociable, compassionate, caring, nurturing, and so on. A good mother is essential for socializing their daughters and sons to be a valued and respected members of the community.
A good father teaches his daughters and sons how to be productive, to take chances, when to respect boundaries (and when to break them), and how to keep discipline. He does this by exploring, creating, repairing, planning, and so forth.
And finally, there are things that only a married couple can do:
1) Show solidarity and responsibility to each other
2) Show affection, caring, and love
3) Show how to communicate disagreements or offenses without being disagreeable or offensive
These are things that all children need to learn. If they do not have married parents to show them these things, they will be at a disadvantage.
This is why the growing trend of single parents disturbs me greatly. It will continue to grow until communities teach children to respect the institution of marriage (instead of “widening” it) and to choose their spouses with care.
Just as a subordinate must not undermine his commanding officer or boss in front of the unit, neither may a wife undermine her husband in front of the children. Even if he is wrong, she is out of line undermining him in public. Any mother who undermines her husband teaches her children to disrespect their father, and that is scandalous. If something is wrong, you correct it in private.
What is described in the article is pretty much what happens in a well-run Boy Scout Troop. But I can’t defend the stance on gay scouts and leaders that the National organization has taken.
Marvel comic books. You’ll need some of those. Plus all of Robert A. Heinlein’s juvenile sci-fi novels.
(LOL) – *absolutely* agree. A boy’s life wouldn’t be complete without “Have Spacesuit Will Travel”, “A Tunnel in the Sky”, or “The Rolling Stones.” +1 on Marvel, too. I think they’ve done an amazing job with the reboot of Ironman and Capt. America.
70% of black families have no father in the home.
I think I became a better mother to my sons when I admitted that I am not a boy nor a man and so I cannot possibly know all there is to know about a boy or a man, thus I have to trust the Lord and my husband to help me guide these boys. I also became a better mother to my daughters when I allowed my husband to be the man he was made to be–protector, provider, leader of our family.
Thanks for the article.
Steward, not Provider.
G-d is the Provider (Jirreh).
Great article. The larger problem is the globally powerful forces that want to feminize boys and destroy the power of the family. Google: “interview with Aaron Russo”, to see how who funded feminism and why. It’s not just a cultural trend, it’s a manipulated, part of a plan. Good luck to everyone.
Ahhhh, that was the way I was brought up. I tried to bring up my girls in another way that respected those five ideals. Divorces and bitterness somewhat diluted my goals, but they all have grown to be wonderful, happy, mostly selfless people.
But with the liberal media and our government and politicians preaching borrow and spend irresponsibly coupled with the progressive “safety net” which has spread like slime to dependentize half of America, it is difficult to raise and nurture moral kids.
The end is near. November 5 could be it. VOTE FOR ROMNEY.
And: MITT, GET MAD.
This is EXACTLY what America needs to return to – a valued and integral moral system that exemplifies honesty, integrity, a “can-do” attitude…