Forget Gold, Buy Twinkies and Bullets
Why Not Gold?
The price of gold is already sky high because of all the people who got there before you did, so you’re not going to get a good deal on gold today. Let’s just assume for a moment that the government isn’t going to seize it anyway by taxing it into their pockets… okay, that’s too unrealistic. Forget that.
You say you’ve hidden away coins? Well, that will protect you from our government’s insatiable thirst for its citizens’ stuff, but how will you use that gold to feed your family in the worst-case scenario? Those gold bullion coins bought for a premium from Home Shopping Network and kept in your bedroom safe are not going to buy you a carton of eggs. They’re more likely to get you a vacant stare from the egg farmer as he wonders what he’s supposed to do with a gold coin, or a visit from your neighborhood gang because now you’re known as the “guy with gold.” Congratulations. You have no eggs and no gold either.
Too bad we lost the art of biting into gold to tell how pure it is, then maybe you could use these coins in a collapse.
Other Goods that Won’t Work
Alcohol – Too easy to manufacture.
Coffee – Too perishable.
Bottled Water – Too much of a luxury item and then there’s that whole boiling thing that makes sanitizing your water easy. Also it’s heavy.
Why Twinkies? Click to the next page to find out!
Also Velveeta (the cheese food product) – it’s shelf stable and has a longer self life than even Spam (listed as 3 years to Spam’s 2).
Shotgun shells will last for decades if stored with reasonable care, and a scattergun is easier for old folks like me to handle.
/I’m just sayin’…
If I could have only a single gun (perish the thought!) it would be a 12ga. shotgun with an 8 round magazine.
Remington 870 with mag extension and 18-20 inch barrel. Load with #1 buckshot. Or the inimitable Mossberg 590, certified zombie killer.
“A man can never have too much red wine, too many books, or too much ammunition.”.
Mossberg 590, in the A1 variety, with bayonet lug, is my friend’s weapon of choice.
Then there are powdered eggs with a shelf life of up to 15 years! So if that egg farmer is smart, he’ll dehydrate those babies and gather in a few bullets here and there for payment.
And honey. The perfect food that never spoils. And it can be used in place of sugar (which is pretty hard to produce yourself),so when the twinkies run low you can attempt to make your own version if you have honey.
And when it comes to sweets, Americans will willingly give you their gold, bullets and eggs.
Honey, bullets and twinkies, in that order.
Bullets (ammo) first, with enough bullets, and the proper transmission mechanism all other things are acquirable
Don’t forget pasta. Boxes of pasta can actually last for years without going bad. All you have to do is boil some water and then you can have a meal. And if things start getting better after the apocalypse, you could always have enough to open the first Italian restaurant in the wasteland that used to be your town. Such a deal!
Ditto rice. A box of rice that you can find on sale for $1 can supply most of one person’s nutritional needs for one day.
Much as I like pasta (which I cook and eat regularly with homemade sauce), that isn’t the answer.
Don’t hoard anything.
Just make your plans to emigrate.
How dare you? DingDongs are the BEST. Plus, they have four tiny little extra chunks of chocolate from where the injector injects the cream, and leaves little dents. They get filled when dipped in chocolate. Did YOU know about THAT???? Those are the thing I like best about Ding Dongs, but there are lots of other things to love too. Twinkys are great, but they got nothin’ on Ding Dongs. Only a very immature, un-discriminating, tiny tiny mind would think otherwise.
Yodels.
You can make one last all day if you try to (carefully!) pick the all the chocolate off, and UNROLL it to make it flat…
“Stupid Infantry Tricks” I learned to pass the time
Ive done that too (not the “last all day” part tho). We’d get along fine.
Seasoning packets, gravy mixes, and bullion powders or cubes can often get you invited to dinner in an emergency or war zone.
Coffee creamer powder….
milk-n-sugar coffee drinkers can often live without the sugar, but will absolutely KILL for something to “cream” their coffee when its just plain black.
One of my top 5 favorite novels of all time is “Lucifer’s Hammer” by Niven and Pournell. It’s the story of an asteroid hit apocalypse. A main character, knowing all the popular stuff was already hoarded, filled up a TravelAll van with salt, pepper, and all the really good spices, seasonings and expensive liqueurs he could find. The plan was to trade for food and fuel as he made his way. Spoiler alert……… He should have gone the bullet or twinky route.
My favorite part of that book was the Eagle Scouts camped in the mountains who came across the outlaw biker gang that was hoarding teenage girls, of all things. The Eagle Scouts couldn’t have handled the situation any better than Seal Team 6.
Bullets won’t do you much good unless you also have:
1. Gunpowder.
2. Cases.
3. Primers.
4. Equipment to assemble the above three components into a complete cartridge.
HINT: Bullets are the thingies that come out of the barrel when you fire (not “shoot”) the gun, and which (we hope) hit the target and impart big owies. They won’t do that unless they are first assembled into a CARTRIDGE which contains the gunpowder and primer to make them go BANG. Bullets by themselves are pretty much useless.
Well, you could throw them, I guess.
If you are going to write on disaster preparedness, even tongue in cheek, it would help if you had Clue 1 about the subject.
Those of us with reloading benches in our basement who also have friends and other people who actually like us understood the vernacular meaning of the word “bullet.” This may explain why we did not feel the need to chime in like know-it-all bungholes to insult anyone for a good humored effort.
Ignorance helps nobody.
Well, true. But it’s obvious from context that he meant cartridges.
Actually, I agree Sunny could have been a little tinsy winsy more precise in his choice of words. I mean words do have meanings, don’t they? And writers really ought to say what they mean, etc. But instead of calling each other nasty names why don’t we conduct a little poll and find out how many pjmedia readers actually know the difference between a bullet and a cartridge. Or how many think the two words mean pretty much the same thing. Or how many think you just throw the sucker at the bad guys. Just asking.
I agree that there’s a certain value to using vernacular. And if we’re going to challenge the use of everyday speech, Mark v ought to point out that you can’t fire that cartridge from a gun; you need to fire it from a rifle or pistol, as any recruit who has referred to a rifle as a “gun” will surely remember.
This is my rifle,
and this is my gun.
One is for shooting,
the other for fun!
Actually, isn’t that how the college people start off today. How I learned that poetic muse… THIS IS MY RIFLE(SHAKE M-14 OVERHEAD FOR EFFECT)… THIS IS MY GUN(GRAB CROTCH FOR EFFECT)… THIS IS FOR KILLIN(SHAKE M-14 OVERHEAD FOR EFFECT)… THIS IS FOR FUN(REPEAT FOR EFFECT)
Well the problem with being too specific is if you say cartridges instead of bullets you have a large number of readers asking ” why would they have us stock up on printer cartridges ? “
Just FYI to all of you concerned about the difference between bullets and cartridges; Sunny is a she not a he.
Just as an FYI to you readers…..a bullet is ALSO slang for the thingy you stick in the whatchmacallit that goes bang and then comes out missing the little head. Just sayin’.
I mean, I wear the Expert Marksman Badge (w/device, as they say), but I knew what he was talking about, and that’s all that matters. Anyone who wants to pick nits with it should have those nits growing in your hair.
All valid points, though “bullets” may indeed be a better idea if taken in the context of a black powder rifle. With a little patience and knowhow, gunpowder can be produced relatively easily, when compared to the brass portion of a cartridge. Better still to have bullet molds.
Jeez is that all you jerks do is mince words. Damn no wonder this country is so screwed up
What do you think a clerk in Wal-Mart would say if I walked in and asked for a box of bullets? I think the clerk would say, “What kind?” with no quibbling about bullets or cartridges.
The best way to store ammo componnents is (wait for it) as loaded ammo! Modern ammo is made of top grade components and will last for decades if properly stored. Handloads, while more economical, and custom tuned to “your” guns, can easily be loaded with contaminants, ie body oils, humidity etc. I’ve had no problems with 1954 dated 30/06.
I’ve shot tons of rusty 1909 headstamped .303 British that WASNT manufactured in England (maybe India?) without a hitch. Ditto for some late 1800′s .50/70
Power levels drop off if anything, and (most reputable) Guns were designed to “not grenade” if the case ruptures.
Have ammo, make bang….Lifes too short to worry about it!
I think she was referring to loaded rounds. However, if you do handload, I would suggest that instead of trading your gold for Twinkies, it may have another use. Gold is non-toxic, and both heavier and denser than lead. It is also more ductile and malleable. In other words, if it weren’t for the cost, bullets and shot would always have been made of gold, because it would do the job better than lead. So, if the government demands your gold, well then, why not give it to them?
I like your style!
“Bullets by themselves are pretty much useless.
Well, you could throw them, I guess.”
I dunno, a .45 cal from a “wrist rocket” sling shot packs a real nice wollop, accurate too. Varmint killin and skull fracturing, with a lot longer reach than the club.
Endlessly “reloadable” too. As for cartridges, its hand to mouth…
Thats why I keep my “zombie guns” chambered in the commonest ones.
Only need a few to take more, right?
Yes, you meant this as humor. However. Gold is much easier to test than you seem to think:
http://www.fisch.co.za/orderonline.htm
A full set of testing devices for all common gold coins and rounds for $549. I think that’s plus shipping.
As the advertisement says – avoiding a single gold coin can pay for the whole kit.
– very Zombieland!
The History of Gold is fascinating, starting with Sumer and other Ancient societies that used it to decorate their temples, houses, and themselves. The Fabled El Dorado was a priest covered in Gold Dust to commemorate rituals and seasons. The Spanish Conquistadors rampaged throughout the America’s seizing gold, silver, diamonds, and other commodities that built their empire.
The Worlds bank system is based on Gold, still used as basis for fractional banking even though we have allowed Derivatives and other worthless instruments to replace most of the Historical foundation of Banking.
The article is satire, and pretty well written. If this gets people to consider their safety and security then bravo. The bottom line is diversity; guns, bullets, gold, alcohol, food staples, all of it should be considered and stored properly…except for Twinkies, they can be buried and exhumed as needed.
Tongue in cheek or not don’t store Twinkies, they only last 25 days or so
(courtesy of snopes) http://www.snopes.com/food/ingredient/twinkies.asp
Ammunition and actual preserved food is a good idea. Most of all store soap and toilet paper. You’ll want them, TP is annoying to make (who has newspaper anymore?) and few people remember to stock them.
Have you priced a Twinkie two-pack lately? How about a Hostess Fruit Pie? Yikes! No no. Hoard Raman Noodle packs. I think they still cost about about a dime or two, even less in bulk, weigh less than a Twinkie, and can keep you alive for months — years, if you have butter.
PSSST! Frank;
Try a “day old bakery” store.
I used to think they were just too wickedly salty, until I stopped and actually READ the directions one day:
You need a QUART of water, not noodles, flavor packet and everything in a 6 oz coffee cup!
DOH!
Ties in well with the advice in the second-best part of Gremlins 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsMc-IswG3w
I was outraged that you consider Twinkies superior to Ding Dongs… but you got me on board with the insainty defense!
Genius! Of course you could never claim insainty if you hoarded Ding Dongs!
Twinkies it is… good tip.
To Harry the Spiller,
Would you be related to the mailman Harry Newcombe?
Niven & Pournelle have done a lot of collaborating, but this one set a high standard and holds up over the decades. Surely relevant now.
For anyone who’s lived in Northern California, the story isn’t really exotic…
And Twinkies can be stuffed in your underwear and pass through a scanner! They feel good, too.
HEALTH WARNING!!!
Handling lead can be hazardous to your health. Especially if you stand in the path of a lead projectile.
(My civic duty is done for this month).
An alert to the editors – this article was accidently misfiled under “humor”. .22 LR ammo will be the loose change of the future.
There will be a limited allotment of that caliber, with every EBT card.
Useful skills and relationships are a better investment. A veterinarian could become the most sought after resource in a post catastrophe community, they are skilled in many aspects of medicine unlike today’s MDs.
My doctor might throw a fit if he knew I said this, but I regard human doctors as veteranarians who specialize in H. sapiens. (Looks nervously over shoulder.)
Ding Dongs rule-twinkies…are for twinkies!
The ultimate hoarder’s checklist:
http://www.thepowerhour.com/news/items_disappearfirst.htm
Be sure to scroll down to “From a Sarajevo War Survivor.”
=^[.]^=
Why is the picture on page two a bunch of Canadian coins tinted gold?
If this fooled you I’d advise you never consider buying gold coins.
If you can’t use an Atala, (spear thrower) a flintlock pistol will serveand save you primers and brass.
I can say with authority that Twinkies will rot. My sister hid them from us boys and forgot them. Ome day I got wind, no pun intended, that she had been hiding them in her underwear drawer: a gaggy place for young boys if there ever was one. So she was smarter than us. Except they rotted in there.
Man! Yur sister musta been ugly.
Humor?? Shucks sounds dead serious to me.
I agree that food and bullets will stand you better in the immediate post-apocalyptic environment.
On the other hand, there are good arguments for going to a metals based economy. But rather than gold and silver, I would strongly urge the world adopt uranium and plutonium: this would also greatly reduce the risk of nuclear war at the same time, the pressure will be to keep their plutonium and uranium in their treasury vaults, not out on the tips of their missiles.
Hey, can you knock someone out with a stale Twinkie…take it easy on Ding-Dongs…up for a game of Hockey, anyone?
Why you got to bad mouth ding dongs? I love ding dongs.
Gold is for buying large tracts of lovely real estate. Silver is for buying tankers full of gas and twinkies–and both are dirt cheap. Remind me to buy bullets before August, when Obama kicks off the race riots that force him to cancel electuons.
I prefer Tequila to Twinkies.
You ignore that the fungibility of gold increases as the economy and society goes into decline. People who wouldn’t accept a gold coin in payment the day before an economic collapse will happily take one the day after.
Gold as a medium of economic exchange has survived the rise and fall of every empire of man in history. It’s only egotism to imagine that our particular little slice of time is in any way different.
Not to mention primers. Bullets & black powder are the “easy” part of making a cartridge, is the casing & primers that are difficult.