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I Kid You Not: The Top 4 Reasons I Don’t Have Children

Most boring sideshow freak ever? Woman born without maternal instinct or biological clock tells all!

by
Kathy Shaidle

Bio

June 12, 2012 - 7:00 am
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#1 — Temperament

I’m the only child of two only children. That is not a recipe for “Mother of the Year.”

I didn’t like children when I was a child, so much so that I refused to go to summer camp and spent the entirety of my first and last Brownie meeting hiding in the community center bathroom.

Alas, I don’t see much evidence – in the malls, in other people’s homes, on voyages aboard Screaming Baby Airlines — to indicate that their behavior has improved over the decades.

Children are always broke and are poor conversationalists. Their jokes aren’t funny. These are traits you avoid while choosing friends; why would you want to intentionally lock yourself into a 24/7 relationship with someone exactly like that, and, worse, saddle yourself with paying their every expense for 20+ years?

There’s a reason I’m a writer and not, say, a chirpy Wal-Mart greeter or back-slapping used car salesman. I can’t abide noise, interruptions, disruptions in my rigid routine or the thought of other people touching my stuff.

Again, not ideal maternal qualifications.

I can barely cope with my cat barfs. Imagine me changing diapers.

I could go on for a thousand more words — and touch on the Chowchilla kidnapping, and how being taught by nuns modeled respectable childlessness — but why bother? I’m almost at the age when this entire issue (if you’ll pardon the pun) will be moot.

Although I must confess, if I could get an iron clad guarantee that my child would turn out like this, I might reconsider:

 

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(KATHY SHAIDLE is a blogging pioneer who runs FiveFeetOfFury, now in its 14th year. She's been called "one of the great virtuoso polemicists of our time," by MARK STEYN. Her NEW book is Confessions of A Failed Slut (Thought Catalog, 2014).
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