Anyway, the other type of parents mentioned in the book is too-distant parents who have lost all interest or concern for their kid now that he or she has left home and are anxious to return to the life they had before their child was born. This often leaves the student feeling alone and abandoned, according to the book, and if the parents pull their funding, it can end up with the student dropping out of school. Schools have made it really difficult, as on one hand, they treat students like kids who will always be funded by mom and dad, and on the other, they treat them like grown-ups when it suits their purpose. It’s no wonder parents (and students) are often frustrated.
I suppose there is a happy medium here somewhere. If you have a comment or story about how you dealt with your child leaving home, or if your child is about to leave home, how are you coping?
How did I feel? Satisfaction. A parent’s goal is not to raise children but to raise happy, competent adults. If you had kept the lines of communication open from the beginning, many of the issues you raise aren’t.
Well put. 1st one out the nest in 2007, now educated and living on the west coast. Second one graduates HS next year. I hope she is as easy as her big sister.
It gets even better when they become a senior in college. Your tuition days are over.
I’ll second that. It was great getting the first one out the door, greater with the second, greatest with the third.
Things were even better after each one graduated (the youngest is still in college), and got careers and places of their own. It’s the biggest thrill a parent can have.
This Memorial Day, my middle son had us over for a barbeque. It was the first time that he had had the ‘rents to his place, and he was proud to show it off — and we were even prouder for him.
Cool beans.
When we visited our youngest and his wife at their first home, we all went out to dinner. I was going to pay for it but he insisted, saying “As long as you’re under MY roof!”
I let him pay and we all had a good laugh out of it.
I think my husband and I kept a healthy distance from our two oldest children during their college years. Fortunately they were only an hour away, and we enjoyed seeing each other for football games and holidays. Giving them up to college was difficult as parents, but we raised them to be independent and self-disciplined, and they have not been disappointments in that regard. Our youngest will graduate from high school next year, and we will have the so-called “empty nest”. I don’t know how I’ll feel when that comes, but I think we have laid strong enough foundations as a family that he will thrive as well. We feel thankful and blessed when we consider how many damaged kids there are out there.
I had panic attacks for a while thinking about my little girl going away.
But at some point I came to the realization that she was not mine, she has her own life. I just worry about her but let her go, happy that she is doing well. But in the end, it’s on her.
When my youngest(and only boy) went away I cried so hard, and for so long I got a major bloody nose.
Needless to say I felt a little like Norman Bate’s mother after that.
Agree with 4 previous posters, except the bloody nose. I still miss all 3, visit not so often I won’t interfere with their lives and cherish when they visit with the grandkids and even more when I get to keep the grandkids for the weekend. Growing up is hard to do, even for a parent. Didn’t someone write a song about that?
Our second is headed to Mizzou in a couple of months, but the experience of the first was generally good. Two down, two to go. I’ll give you a final verdict in August of 2014.
Neither of my two stepsons left home to go to college. Like me, the oldest joined the Army. He served for 3 years and then got on with his life. The youngest joined the Navy in 1993. He’s still in, going from E-1 (Seaman Apprentice) to O-3 (Lieutenant). The Navy sent him to nursing school for his undergraduate degree and he’s one term from finishing graduate school as a psychiatric nurse practitioner. Yeah, I’m proud of him.
What did my wife and I feel when they left home? Pride, mostly, along with a relief. Our grocery bill dropped substantially when each of them left home. The biggest downside was that my wife now blames everything that happens on me!
Giddy. Is that bad?
When our second and youngest for college we gave a party for everyone we knew in the target group–called it Home Alone: A Celebration! Prizes awarded for most embarrassing incident by a child, worst girl/boyfriend . . . you get the idea. Although no one could beat us for most embarrassing incident. Our son had two girlfriends visit that summer, with barely enough time in between to get the sheets changed, on a weekend the septic tank had backed up. They were so grown up by eighteen, I was tired of having authority and God knows they were bored with it. So glad to exchange for having them come home and lecture us about all the poets and music we had (of course) never heard of.
The day my youngest goes off to college I close down the house in town, move into my fishing cabin full-time, and buy a bigger bike.
You could do what we did when our youngest left home – we sold our house and moved! We were deliberately vague as to our new address for a while, too. We bought a nicer house than before. When he asked why, we said that without him and his brother at home, we could now afford a nicer place.
Well … been there, done that. 4x. Never shed a tear, not even for the baby caboose (who then, after a year and a half of college got married and is now a parent x2).
Took them, dropped them off (one 800 miles away), and let them find their ways. But was not a “distant” parent — we just remembered it was a time for them to find out a lot and do a lot on their own, a time to be an adult without the responsibilities of an adult, and be there for them if they wanted us to. If they didn’t want to talk to us or tell us what was going on — exactly what can the parent do? And why?
A lot depends on the kids (gender affects it also) and what she/he wants & needs to make the transistion to adulthood. Responsibility has a way of doing that. Our involvement and the kids activities and actions were varied as they were different personalities. They knew we would be there for them. All are responsible productive, happy adults; very little drama, except for one, briefly.
I will say this restriction on information available to the parents on whom the “child” (now declared to be up to 26!~!!) is legally determined to be a dependent is simply wrong. We got into a difficult back and forth about this with one of our kids who turned 18 while in their senior year and the “regulations” we had to operate under and the “law” (?) meant when things got bad we tosssed the “adult” but dependent kid out until said kid came to their senses. Ugly situation NOT helped by the “rules.” Kid is now adult and parent. Believe they have a different understanding of the situation now. The restrictions on PARENTS because of the “age-18-but-dependent” are bizarre and did damage to our family at the time.
Perhaps a legal category for/by these young people and their parents could some form of custodial with rights for parents?
So a liberal institution wants to take the parents money and control their child’s life? You mean K-12 didn’t already condition the parents for this?
Certainly happy when all four went off to college. Majors were Math, Applied Math, Computer Science and Economics. Didn’t worry about access to grades since they all provided them to us voluntarily. Most got jobs that no one else wanted to help defray the costs a little. Not easy but we got them all through with no debt. But we’re talking way back before all they got in public schools was “self esteem”.
Son #1 went to the Naval Academy. When your child swears into the Navy it really is none of your business which is made abundantly clear to the parents by the Academy Admin. I worried a lot because it is a rough 4 yrs both mentally and physically.
Son #2 went to a state school. We went through the “show me your grades, no” scene to which I said “you either show me the grades and you better have a C+ ave or better or the tuition, room & board checks stop.” That cured the problem.
Both are now productive adults supporting themselves.
“Son #2 went to a state school. We went through the “show me your grades, no” scene to which I said “you either show me the grades and you better have a C+ ave or better or the tuition, room & board checks stop.” That cured the problem.”
I solved that with my oldest one her first year when I asked her to share her password for her online grading the university used. She agreed. But it was not really necessary as she maintained excellent grades, graduating magna cum laude. And that was with her pursuing two majors, one of them a science major. We are very proud.
I was enlisted in the military when she attended university (now retired from the military after 26 years and serving as a Foreign Service officer) when she attended university, and money for tuition was very tight, although she did have a partial scholarship for her excellent grades through HS. I worked a part time second job my last tour, as did my wife to make it all happen.
My wife and I had told her, just as we had through all of her school, “Your job right now is to be a student, so we expect you to excel at it.” My wife and I debated the benfits of her needing to work part time as a life lesson to add value to her education and what it cost her, but her ambitious work load in her studies, and her performance brought us to the point to assist as much as we could. So we covered all of her costs (and gave her a $100 per month spending stipend), so she did not have to pick up any student loans or a part time job. Her grandmother gave her a very nicely maintained 10 year old Nissan as a HS grad gift, but I covered the insurance and maintenance on it. I felt I had the right to be somewhat nosy about her progress. I would joke and call her “My Little Socialist” in front of her college mates when the opportunity arose.
That said, I feel the need to rant a bit here now.
She attended a state school in a very blue state (Maryland)and we struggled every single year to prove our state citizenship to get in state tuition for her. Apparently our transient life in the military up to that point (my last tour was in Maryland)was a bit too much for the school to allow us to get the difference of 12K tuition/board per semester to 8K per semester. I had to submit military orders, a lease agreement for the apartment and voting registration proof, every single year. Her third year it was denied. I called the registrar office on it, and was told my a student working there that another student(from Baltimore) had not liked my wifes voter registration as a Republican (this was in 2006 when the local Martin O’Malley furvor was reaching 2008 Obama levels) and had denied our in state status. The second student who took the call looked at our application again(he was from Frederick county, where we lived), and reassigned my daughter as an in state student, putting her schooling into the area we could squeak by on paying.
While she attended the school she would relate to me about students on full rides from Baltimore/ D.C that would sell drugs at school and bring the inner city attitude with them. She was cornered in a dorm elevator by three big girls from Baltimore for “dissing them with a look”. There were other students of very questionable citizenship on full rides (at in state tuition rates) via “Casa de Maryland”, an illegal alien advocacy group with state funding. And yet a military family has to struggle to prove thier “worthiness”? This is a school that openly welcomed people like “anti”-racist Tim Wise to come speak on numerous occasions.
The night Obama was elected, there was a mob of primarily black students flooded the common areas, and were chanting “WE are in charge now! and other such things. An Asian food delivery guy was beaten that happened to arrive during this, and two campus security cars were flipped over, and one started on fire. Numerous common area windows were broken, and graffitti was was applied all over.
Never read about this and a Maryland state school (Frostburg State)? Of course you didnt. But it happened.
I proudly attended her graduation in 2009, which her mother could not attend as we were posted in the middle east on our first Foreign Service assignment and the airfare was too steep for both of us. I won the coin toss. The valedictorian that spoke was an inner city Baltimore English e major. She spoke of the struggles of inner city women and her commitment to social justice in that community. But for an English major, and with prepared notes, she could barely string a coherant sentence together, and her pronounciation of many common words were straight out of ebonics 101. Granted, she may have been nervous speaking to a large group and lapsed into “comfortable” language, but I was not impressed by the young woman’s speech.
And that was the last day of university for my daughter.
Rant over.
Don’t really know how my parents felt, but I was ecstatic!
Went to trade school after graduation, came back the first summer. Before graduation, I was offered a job in another state. Didn’t even ask about money. I said YES!!!
Coming from a family of 8 kids, I had never had real privacy before ever in my life. It was liberating. Have not looked back since. But I did go back home numerous times.
I owe my parents everything. From giving birth to me to cutting free the apron ties. Raising me to be responsible, dependable, honest, hard working, etc. I don’t think that as long as I live, I will ever be able to be the people they were.
How ironic…I just came home 20 minutes ago from my “baby” boy’s high school graduation. Can’t believe that phase is entirely over for us, and I’m feeling pretty down—so is he. We are taking him to college in a few weeks. I don’t know how I’ll feel then, because her father and I cried our damn eyes out the whole way back from dropping our daughter off at college 4 years ago. We did not become very involved with her schooling after that, although in retrospect we should have kept a closer eye on her grades. Our son will benefit/suffer for that, as we will demand much better grades from him if he wishes us to continue to pay for his degree.
No empty nest, though. Daughter is moving back home with her bachelor’s degree in psychology and no full-time job. It will be nice to have her home but we are sorry that there are not better employment prospects for her.
We are enjoying our time of being empty nesters. There is a always a bit of mourning the loss of the child for the first year, but then great joy to see them become more and more independent. Four successfully graduated and the last one in college.
We did know of a family who gave money for their child’s education only to find out at graduation time, that he hadn’t taken many classes but was simply spending the money.
When my wife and I dropped #1 (daughter) off at Colby, the only thing I remember was the prez, addressing parents at a breakfast, saying that he wanted to challenge our children’s values. I was pissed. I’d rather he reinforced her values, thank you. At her graduation, the prez said he wanted the things they taught her to remain for life. Screw you. So far, he’s ahead. She went in a Christian and came out a tree-hugging socialist. She’s still a great kid and now has 3 years of reality under her belt and I’m beginning to see some promising signs…
#2 (son, youngest) was harder for both my wife and I. All of a sudden the nest was emptying. She promised herself she wouldn’t cry when we dropped him off 250 miles away, and she didn’t. 2 yrs later he switched schools and commuted for 3 semsters. Last semester, switched again and moved out. Boy were we all ready for that!!
Lovin’ the empty nest!
Kids are supposed to leave home, so it’s felt natural each time we sent one off. I’ve committed to not re-purposing their bedrooms until they graduate so they will feel welcome to visit. Though the rise of cell phones has eliminated long distance charges they don’t seem to call any more than I did back in the day of one phone per hall in the dorm.
Depended on the kid! Two of mine had been “insufferable” for the last year or so of high school and my husband and I, needless to say, were a just a bit ecstatic. The middle one was such an easy guy that we were merely thrilled when he went off. Truly, I looked at them leaving the nest for school as the natural successful progression of the child rearing experience. Next comes them getting married!
When my children where young, we had the ‘college’ talk. I informed them that if they did not get their own scholarships, the Marine Corps would gladly help them out.
Fast forward several years. My oldest did two (free for us) years at the local U and absolutely hated it. My youngest who was also an excellent student graduated high school and was faced with attending the local U. (again, it would not have cost us anything.) Both decided to join the US Navy. I was ‘freaked’ out when they told me since they had ‘free rides’ to State U. I knew they loved their country however a free education is hard to turn down.
I am thankful that they are probably more intelligent than their old man. They made the decision to join up. I won’t go into what their schooling was in but I guarantee that it is more impressive getting their education through the Navy than had they attended University. People with their Naval background are very much sought after.
Back to the topic. My oldest left for boot camp a day before my birthday. I had an ‘empty nest/ birthday’ party for myself. I could not be more proud. I didn’t raise children, I raised adults. In fact,I raised outstanding adults. Also, a side benefit for me personally…Since I no longer have two young women living with me, rolls of toilet paper seem to last forever.
When we dropped our daughter off at college, my wife cried. She was pretty upset. I almost cried, too. I was so proud! She’s now a working engineer with a husband (married 7 years). They (and the bank) have a house.
Our youngest (special ed) child may never leave home, but she has completed a job skills course of study at the local junior college. She takes care of many chores around the house I find it harder and harder to do. We are both so grateful for her help. I pray for a change in the government and better job prospects for her.
We just returned last week from the commencement ceremony of the youngest of our three sons. We did something a bit different that I’d highly recommend to those of you with younger ones. We sent each off to “college” every summer starting at age 12, starting with four weeks then increasing it each summer–not vacations, apprenticeships.
It turned out to be much easier than we thought to line the boys up in great situations with talented people anxious to mentor. By the time they got to college, they’d each accumulated a couple of years of living and working in distant states and abroad. Each was well on his way to mastering another language. They were mature beyond their years by 18; indeed, each chose college programs seeking a more mature, directed caliber of students.
The oldest won an Emmy for his camerawork last year at 28. The middle one is a venture capital associate in NYC. The youngest graduated with three feature-film animation-supervisor credits and one for special effects already under his belt. So, I know it pays off.
When my daughter went off to college, I took it well. She was ready.
hen her older brother went off to serve as a rifleman the 1st Ranger Battalion and his first deployment which included kicking down doors in Falluja in 2006-2007, it was a little more difficult.
I guess by the time my daughter went off to the University of Iowa I was seasoned. It didn’t seem like a big deal at all.
The youngest of two children, two years apart in age, just graduated college, but both my wife and I remember clearly the day we dropped them off at their respective schools, both of which were far away. Some anxiety and tears on the part of my wife on the long drive home. Cell phones and e-mail helped to mitigate this.
Both had academic scholarships that required maintaining a minimum GPA. Parents need to understand the ramifications of this, without hovering too much. They also need to understand what the specific degree requirements are in terms of coursework for the chosen major. This is important because missing out on a course here and there can lengthen the time needed to graduate. One of our “requirements” was that each child graduate in four years.
As to the social side of college, I guess parents will have a feel for how well their children will cope, beforehand.
We also had to learn the mechanics of understanding the fee statements and getting the bills paid. This required each student to “grant” us access to their account for this purpose. So get your child’s Student ID number and write it down, you’ll need it!
Our oldest son tried community college and got good grades but seemed to be going through the motions. Two weeks after his 19th birthday he told us he had signed up for 4 years in the US Army Infantry ( no suprise to us ). We dropped him off in Rutland, VT at his recruiter’s office and said goodbye. It was an emotional moment but not as emotional as seeing him don the blue cord and graduate Ft. Benning 3 1/2 months later. I could hardly recognize him; so poised, confident, and self-assured. He is based in Germany with an Infantry regiment and is excelling as a soldier. We have seen him for 5 days in the last year. Miss the heck out of him but Know he is doing what he wants to do. Our square peg has found his squre hole and he intends to re-up next year at this time when his 2 years are up.
The anticipation was worse than when she actually left. I cried throughout her HS senior year at every “last”- her last game, her last prom, her last test, and cried buckets at graduation. But when I dropped her off at school, I was surprisingly ok. Now that her first year is almost done, I think we ‘ve developed a good distant-but-close relationship with calls every few days, texts most days, a few care packages and visits here and there.
Now I’m worried about summer at home. I remember from my own college experience that it was hard to adjust to rules and curfews after being on my own for 9 months.
He left?
“including the grades that you are paying for your child to get.”
I am not sure that is the right way to look at it.
My son went to college, and I was OK with it.
My daughter prepared to go to college, and had to get me ready for it.
For a whole year before she left, she would remind me regularly, “Dad, I’m going to leave for college in XXX days and I’ll be gone all year.” I would quite naturally respond with a despairing cry of “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The cry was heartfelt and uncontrollable, every time.
This prep work continued up to the day my wife and I drove her to her university.
She had a great first year and on the last day of Spring term she called home to arrange transportation and said, “Dad, I’m coming home from college and I’ll be home all summer.” I started quite automatically to cry, “Nooooo…..!” but it turned into, “Well, that will be nice.”
She laughed so hard she dropped her phone.
Our oldest is 17, just finishing his junior year in high school. My wife is preparing for a bad case of empty nest syndrome, which we will take for a test drive this summer as he will be gone for 9 weeks at summer school (and our twins will be away at camp for the first time). Always anticipating family issues, our oldest has been kind enough to prepare us for his absence by spending his high school years being as uncommunicative as possible short of outright insolence (it isn’t in him to be rude).
He has a good chance to get on the academic fast track and my wife and I are his biggest fans. But whatever school he goes to I know we’ll miss him, and we’ll regret how infrequently we talk. On the other hand, it’s a special time in his life and as envious as I may be about his opportunities, they’re his not mine (or my wife’s). So I’m reasonably prepared to sit back, catch the crumbs of communication he throws us, and root for him to have the life he wants and deserves. It may take my wife a little longer, but I think she’ll end up in the same place.