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7 Laws for Public Decency When I Rule the World

Muffin-tops, butt-cheeks and bike shorts, oh my!

by
Megan Fox

Bio

May 25, 2012 - 9:00 am

5. Don’t bring your penis into the ladies’ room.

In case the huge feet squeezing out of the platform hooker-shoes wasn’t enough to tip you off, I can assure you that is a man in the ladies’ room. Since we live in a time when boys might be dressed up as girls and need to use a restroom, we really should come up with some ground rules. Here’s mine that I’m ready to fight for.

NO PENISES IN THE LADIES’ ROOM.

This isn’t a gay/straight issue. I welcome all lesbians to my bathroom and even post-operative transsexuals. Everyone who must sit to pee is welcome, but if you have a penis, you cannot come in. In fact, I vote for changing the signs on bathrooms from a man and a girl in a dress to cartoons of genitals instead. That way there can be no confusion.

Penises are threatening in a ladies’ room! Women are in varying states of undress in there. The loo is the sanctuary where we fix unruly bras, hike up pantyhose, and straighten our Spanx. There is a strict no one-eyed-willy policy. It doesn’t matter whether your penis doesn’t like girls, that body part simply is not wanted in the loo. Not only are men a possible menace, but the way men use the bathroom is frightening. Sorry fellas, you’re gross. We gals don’t read or stew in the stall. We get in and get out as quickly as possible. No woman alive would choose to share a bathroom with a man if she didn’t have to. Further, how is one to tell if a guy in a dress isn’t just a perv who dressed up like that specifically for the opportunity to be a Peeping Tom? Not acceptable.

I’m all for having a third option like a unisex bathroom for this type of scenario. I’m sure a transgendered person would be uncomfortable using the men’s room, but the women in the womens’ room have rights too. We say, no penises allowed — unless you are accompanied by your mother and are under 6.

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