5 Myths That Will Destroy Your Marriage
4. All men deserve abuse and women are long-suffering saints to put up with them.
If always and never are never accurate, someone should alert sitcom writers. Not all men are insensitive creeps and not all women are wiser and smarter than their husbands. Some couples feel very alone if they don’t fit the stereotypical male/female role as defined by this culture. Men are always said to want sex more than women and to have brains that can only comprehend one subject at a time. This is absurd and it can make a couple feel abnormal. My husband and I never laugh at comedians who talk about marriage because we can’t relate at all. Ours is just the opposite. My husband isn’t insensitive or lazy or stupid. He’s quite cerebral and capable of multi-tasking. I’m the one who tends to be insensitive, lazy, and scattered. I’m the one who doesn’t pick up my socks. But interestingly enough, it was hearing about the opposition of relationships that made us realize…we are perfect for each other. Clearly, we were made to fill in the gaps for each other because with so many of the men in the seminar laughing and relating to the stereotypical male stuff and so many of the women relating to the stereotypical female stuff, we realized the odds of finding each other (the two people in the room who do NOT relate to any of it) are pretty astronomical. Accepting your mate as God’s perfect match for you is key in coming to a new and better place in your marriage.
It is a terrible mistake to think that someone can make you happy. I call this the “lottery ticket” approach to marriage. The winning lottery ticket is supposed to make you happy, so if your spouse doesn’t make you happy, then he/she must be the wrong one. A lot of people have this mindset, and it has caused great damage.
There is also the “fixer upper” approach, which is OK if you are buying a house, but you just cannot change another human being. It takes the Holy Spirit years to change people, it cannot be done by a fellow fallen human. There is no tailor-made spouse, they are all strictly ready made. To think you can change someone is in essence disrespectful. Think of someone you truly respect. Would you even dream of trying to change that person? Certainly not.
Another source of problems is the belief that “if he loved me, he’d know what I want.” As I told my bride 29 years ago, if I could read minds, I wouldn’t be working here. I’d be cleaning up at the poker tables in Vegas. If you have a problem or complaint, tell me about it.
There’s also this romantic fantasy myth of the “soul mate”, the one person in the world that you’re destined to spend the rest of your life with. There are over 6 billion people on Earth. The odds that you would find that one person out of that number are worse than winning the PowerBall lottery. Instead, learn to love the one you’re with.
Wanna ruin a marriage? Don’t be on the same page when it comes to finances. If one person is a spender and the other a saver, you’re going to have problems. If both are spenders, you’re going to have a disaster. Money issues are one of the biggest causes of divorce. Work together and manage your money as a team. Both partners need to know how much money they have coming in, their expenses, and all of the accounts. They need to learn how to spend less than they earn and to avoid debt like the plague.
Average American has 3.5 kids? Hmmm… What kind of average are we talking about? Because TFR is below replacement, probably b/c so many are childless…
you’re right. It’s hard to nail it down but it’s somewhere between 2.1 and 3. Consider me corrected. That’s a depressing number.
It could be that the number includes all Americans, not just women of childbearing age…
I think they mean the average illegal immigrant American family has 3.5 anchor babies.
My husband and I have been happily married for 26 years BECAUSE we are so different. Our differences have been a source of strength; we make a heckuva team.
If you intend to marry, be aware that there are two absolute guarantees:
1. He won’t change.
2. She will.
Expecting to defy either of these laws of nature is folly; everything else is a crapshoot.
Actually she won’t change either. The problems arise when she expects him to.
She will change. Plenty of sex before the marriage. Hardly any after.
1. He won’t change
2. She will change back into the person she really is from the person she wanted you to think she was.
BINGO!
You win the internets for the day!
Actually, having been married for 33 years, both of us have changed. A lot.
If you care about the person you married, you grow along with them or you grow apart and end up divorced.
My husband was a fine person on the day he married but today he is 3 times the man he was back then. With age and experience come wisdom, strength, and hopefully the grace not to stubbornly refuse to meet life (and your mate) halfway.
Revelation Song, Mercy Seat, Easter, The Passion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDJjHOJw5bM
Being married for twenty one years I find two simple rules, if followed by both partners can’t miss.
1. Always put your spouse first, 2. Always go to bed together.
You may be different people, but you need to share a set of values. If not, you’ll never see eye to eye on anything. That’s a recipe for failure.
5 Myths That Will Destroy Your Marriage
1)you will have as much sex after you are married as you did before you were married
2)love conquers all
3)she will not become her mother
4)her kid from her previous marriage will love you
5)#1 again
#1 is preventable: no sex before marriage.
To elaborate the sound bite, premarital sex is a huge destroyer of intimacy. This is a politically incorrect message, but at 52, I’ve had many, many conversations on this topic, with couples where 1, both or neither were sexually active before marriage. Fornication (premarital sex) forms bonds that never fully heal (sex is supposed to be bonding, not casual recreation). Premarital sex takes forms that reflect a fear of pregnancy. These habits prevent full pleasure, and take decades to unlearn, even in a good marriage. Whatever preventative measures you take against pregnancy and disease, repetition exponentially reduces effectiveness. If your method is 99.9% effective, and you “do it” once a week for a year, it is only 95% effective – 1 chance in 20 you’ll transmit a baby or a disease.
For the sake of your future sex life, your future spouse, your future, don’t listen to the incessant chorus of “do it, do it, do it” and the thrum, thrum of rushing hormones. Flee youthful lusts.
Good words to live by, thanks.
My now ex-wife and I were virgins when we got married. Despite her lies about being open minded and looking forward to sex, she was essentially frigid. We had sex more after we were married since any sex would be more. On the other hand, had we had sex before we married, we never would have married since she wouldn’t have been able to maintain her lies about intimacy.
Did it ever occur to you to get help for her?
Maybe not. Remember the old politically incorrect joke, “How do you get a Jewish American Princess to stop having sex? Marry her.” Many women will give sex to get commitment and then cut you off.
Stuart, I love your comment. My parents tried to instill that in all of us. They failed, but they tried. And they were right. I watch TV shows like “Sex & the City” where they try to glamorize young women basically being sluts. That is a lonely, sad existence, and leads to heartache, low self-esteem and worse. I had a conversation recently with a young woman of 28, who was explaining to me that if a girl doesn’t have sex with a guy by the third date, he will never call her again. We have lowered our standards and our self-esteem so much that girls believe they have to give sex in order to get a phone call? This just leads to the girl having much higher expectations of the relationship than the guy has, and being inevitably disappointed. This leads to negative attitudes about men, and a constant expectation that a man will always disappoint you. I’ve got an idea, girls. Follow Stuart’s advice, save yourself for a man who thinks you’re worth the wait, and don’t expect him to ride in on his white horse and fix your life. Be a worthy partner so you can be an equal partner. Guys, same advice.
Great column.
I knew a guy whose wife left him. The guy she left him for, wound up cheating and beating her. She left after a long time. Then got married again right away. Word was, and this is from a friend, that her new husband was “a lot like” her first husband. Go figure. (i worry about the new one) I think more women expect the guy to be too much of the answer, than the other way around. What do you think?
Well, that’s possible. It’s also possible that she’s dumb as a box of rocks.
“1. Good marriages don’t need marriage seminars.”
Think of it like golf. Even the players at the absolute top of the game work with their trainers every day; if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be.
It turns out most mental and emotional health things are like this.
So Voyager, you’re saying that anyone who wishes to remain married must see a marriage counselor on a regular and frequent basis. Perhaps you ought to think your comments through before you post them.
Probably a marriage counselor. Needs business.
My wife and I have been together 29 years and have never needed a marriage counselor. We’ve been able to work through our problems on our own.
That said, if you’re having problems that you can’t resolve yourself, seeking qualified outside advice can be helpful. While we’ve made mostly good financial decisions together, we did seek advice to get better results and it worked. Likewise, if there’s work around the house that I’m not qualified to do, I’ll gradly pay a professional to do the job.
Just be careful about who you choose as your advisor. Some are good and others are quite toxic to relationships.
No, all couples need a SEMINAR. Or a Trainer.
No one is so wise as to not benefit from a good book (or live instruction).
We used to get such advice from friends and extended family, informally.
My main point is that all married people need to spend time on their marriage. Whether that comes in the form of a seminar and a getaway weekend, or simply dedicated time that you spend reading on the subject together or discussing your relationship, it cannot go ignored. Coasting is a dangerous place. It might feel okay for a while but if you aren’t growing together you’re growing apart even if you don’t know it. That’s where the danger is. So it’s a great idea to check in once in awhile and find out how we are doing. Not the kids, not the house, not the relatives…but us. How are we? Are we spending quality time together? Are we having fun as adults together? I like the golf analogy. Even the best still practice.
I’ve *always* thought that it’s ridiculous to get married (or even in l.t.r.) and just expect everything to be great forever after. Marriage, done right, is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do! I understand your point, Voyager — we don’t all need help for every little thing, every single day. However, I too think it’s a good thing to be reminded every oncen’t in a while why we fell in love w/our spouse. And sometimes a wknd. away for new insights into old (maybe stalled?) feelings can be helpful. A chance to reconnect w/o all the distractions we have every day. A return to romance …
35 years ago I married my best friend. We grew up together, have 6 children and 10 grandchildren under 6. What’s the secret? There is no secret. We’ve had good times, we’ve had bad times but we’d rather be together in the worst time than apart in the best. Sometimes one gives 100%, sometime both do, some times neither does. All that’s really necessary is that neither one of you wants to give up. You can have a great marriage, do everything right but if one person decides to give up that’s the end. Treat others as you’d like to be treated and do your best, cut your spouse some slack and stand up for yourself. All life lesson, all appropriate for marriage. We often make things way to complicated.
Nice…
Agreed! I married my best friend! She is always there for me through thick and thin! And I will always be there for her. I would rather hang around with my wife and kids than anyone else!
#3. You complete me.
Our culture insists that relationships be 50/50 performances.
No!
Relationships should be 80/80%
That way if one partner falls behind because of sickness or unexpected circumstances there’s a cushion to prop things up.
No, 80/80 isn’t enough.
It must be 100/100.
I couldn’t agree more with the advice
It’s exactly what my parents taught me as a child. I will celebrate my 15th anniversary with my husband in June and both sets of our parents have been married for 40 years. My husband and I are opposites in many ways but we have the same morals and standards.
One other thing that I think is important – learn your spouse’s love language and speak it! And learn your own. When I learned mine, it opened my eyes to why certain things set me off and I am better able to see that it’s not because he doesn’t love me, but because it isn’t his native love language.
My wife and I just celebrated our 32nd anniversary. There are times that we feel like the last trees in a forest full of stumps. What I have learned from watching marriages fail around us:
1. Selfishness destroys marriages. If, as used to be the common pattern, the wife grows up believing that she should do whatever she can to make her husband happy, and he is selfish, the wife is going to end up depressed, and eventually, the marriage will collapse, or the wife is going to end up on antidepressants (which is a lousy solution, and doesn’t work for long).
2. If, as is the modern pattern, both husband and wife have grown up believing, “It’s all about me!” the marriage won’t last very long.
I am seeing this (#1) happen in several marriages around me. Any ideas on how to fix it before the collapse is complete?
I am seeing this (#1) happen in several marriages around me. Any ideas on how to fix it before the collapse is complete?
This is one area where an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure.
In the case of my marriage, my wife and I sidestepped that scenario by repudiating the mindless ideal of selflessness. We were up front about who we are, our values, the things we think are worth time and effort, and those we think are not. The pre-marriage relationship was the process of discovering these things about each other, so we knew what would be the practical consequences of pursuing our love, and what it would take to make it workable. That is why, even amidst the disruption of a recent cancer diagnosis, our marriage is as rock solid as it is.
If you go into a marriage intending to give all without taking, and *surprise* your hubby takes all, you got exactly what you asked for. It’s easy to call “selfishness” and blame the other for failing to honor these mysterious, unspoken and un-agreed-to obligations (was he supposed to read her mind?), it takes so little thought… but to detect the root of the problem as being the flip side, the altruist enabler, takes some effort (not to mention moral courage.)
My wife, for example, likes cooking in ways that I consider sloppy and wasteful in labor terms (lots of dirty dishes). For me, the expense of time and effort exceeds the value of the meal; I prefer cooking “small” to minimize cleanup. (We don’t have kids. I know that “cooking small” is nearly impossible in that scenario).
If she were an altruist enabler, she’d first cook plenty without asking, until at some point down the road she decides that I’m being “selfish” and *bang* get on my case about doing them. For her it’s a long-building thing, but for me it’s out of the blue — I never agreed to cleaning up *her* messes. Now, thanks to her enabling me to get used to the previous arrangement, we have detonated a resentment bomb in our relationship. One other the other of us is going to end up resentful. Yeah altruism!
Instead, she knows that *in order to indulge her love of cooking in her particular way*, she has to deal with all of the costs, including the pile of dishes at the end. She makes the decision accordingly. If she’s too tired that day, she cooks “small, or I cook “small”, or she informs me to fend for myself that day. I’m not an assumed part of the decision, as a means nor an end. Yes, I do benefit from her cooking, and I do appreciate it, but this is a secondary effect; you see, she does it because she loves to do it — for herself, not me. I merely provide the audience.
Similarly, I’m the one who puts the effort into hardware — around the house, repairs, maintenance etc. and our computer infrastructure. I deal with all those hassles instead. I make choices that cost *me* time and effort, not her. I do it because it’s the way I would have done it if it were only me. I don’t get on her case for failing to run backups or contribute to the cost and upkeep, because these flow from my choices, not hers.
We both knew all of this going in, because of full disclosure. We staked out our personal goals, loves and values, and worked to integrate them into a functioning domestic whole. We have a “core” of common concerns that are the responsibility of both of us, and the things that are particular to one of us, remain the responsibility of that person.
None of this is to say I won’t occasionally do dishes, or that she can’t be bothered to occasionally figure out a computer issue. We can adapt; we just don’t unilaterally presume such adaptation on the part of the other in the name of some altruistic ideal. Now that she’s in chemotherapy, the cooking is a lot simpler since I’m doing most of it, and it’s more focused on specific nutritional goals determined by her illness and associated treatment.
And through it all: No unpleasant surprises, no unilateral obligations, no resentment, no divorce!
I have very little patience for those who idealize the altruist ideal of giving 100% without taking, only to resent it when it turns out in practice to be exactly what they thought it was in theory.
On changing each other:
At the marriage ceremony the bride looks at the groom and hopes that he changes,
the groom looks at his beautiful bride and hopes she stays the same. On their
25th anniversary they sit across from each other and they are both disappointed.
Adapt.Compromise. Care for each other. You’ll celebrate many anniversaries.
My wife and I have never been to a marriage seminar and I doubt we will ever go to one, especially at our age. Here is our secret:
http://hubpages.com/t/2ec217
Sex don’t last. Cookin’ does.
You’re right, dick. My husband was a cook/chef for 23+ yrs., and is just as good in our kitchen!
Kissin’ don’t last. Cookin’ do.
It can’t be all work and no play. If you are married to a workaholic, one who gets his self esteem from his work, and that is his life; his wife will become over worked with the children,lonely and depressed most of the time, and that makes for a very unhappy mother. He says he works hard for the family, but never plans things with the family. After thirty years of marriage, he looks tired and withdrawn. He looks as though he wonders,”Who are these adults that were once my children.” His children know he loves them, but wish he had played with them more. “Cat’s in the Cradle” ironically, was a favorite song. If only he had listened. If you see yourself in this, wife or husband, remember to have some fun together.
The 21st Century will be the end of marriage, I’m sorry to say. There are many reasons for this but the primary two are: 1) Feminism and 2) Socialism (the Nanny state). There will be a period of perhaps 100 to 150 years (maybe 200) where our society disintegrates as a consequence of these two “isms”, and then a reformation period will sweep across the country (well, what’s left of it) and things will revert to what once was. Unfortunately, all of us must exist today watching this destruction in slow motion. I’ve got my popcorn and comfy chair, and I’m all set up to watch this horror flick….
Thanks Feminists. Thanks Socialists. Great F***N job!
*like*
I’m surprised no one has mentioned the value of “traditions” and consistent practices. My wife and I spend our 4th of July at the same place every year. We always eat with our kids at the table. No watching TV while eatting dinner. Every Sunday we have a BIG family breakfast. I take my daughter out on dates, she takes our sons out on dates as well. We go for walks almost every night. As funny as it seems, following some simple “traditions” have kept our marriage strong. And hopefully, will carry down a sense of “family” that will strengthen our childrens marriage.
All myths make things bad. Only love and the truth, working together, make goodness.