This can also work well with negative comments in group conversations, too. If you’re strong, confident, and have a good self-image, a little friendly joshing back and forth shouldn’t bother you. If it goes a little over the line, a slight pause and a slightly perturbed look, before you ignore the comment and move on, can be a much better way to handle things than going off on someone. That way, you’ve let the person know he went over the line without having to dress him down. That keeps people from feeling sympathy for them or getting upset with you just because they don’t like conflict and it also allows you to get your message across without hard feelings.
Now, sometimes things can go a little beyond that in a group when you’re dealing with someone who’s malicious — or just a jerk. In a situation like this, ignoring another person can be a powerful, dominant, and artful, but deliberately understated insult.
Person 1: So, you actually met Donald Trump?
You: Yes.
Person 2: What was he like?
You: He was really a nice guy — and I was surprised, not that he was nice, that he was really kind of quiet. You almost expect Trump to be yelling, but he’s actually really soft spoken and polite.
Person 3: Can you tell he’s wearing a rug?
Person 4: Boooorrrrrinnnnnng! Nobody wants to hear about Donald Trump! Did you know I met Cher in Vegas five years ago?
You: (Look at the jerk. Chuckle softly to yourself, shake your head just a bit and continue.) It’s funny you say that because I was just staring at his hair and he was like, “Do you want to touch it? You can.”
Person 2: NO WAY! You DID NOT touch Donald Trump’s hair!!
That shows a lot more tact and communications skill than saying, “C’mon, Cher? Really? You’re so annoying!”
Without saying a single word, you’re able to send the exact same message non-verbally, continue on with your conversation, and make yourself look better. Of course, there’s a difference between doing this in a manly way and being a milquetoast who gets run over. This silent rebuke, done properly, can make the jerk look like a 7-year old at Thanksgiving dinner who’s being ignored by the grown-ups because he wants to talk about how much fun it is to pet the dog.
Last but not least, there is a reason this column is called the “art of ignoring.” Sometimes you do need to speak up and of, course, if used improperly, it can make you look and feel like a wimp. Still, learning what comments to ignore and when to let them slide is an incredibly useful advanced skill to have in your communications arsenal.
Categories: PJ Lifestyle Columns
Tags: Ignoring
Am I the first to ignore this column by reading it?
Good advice, and highly recommended for bloggers. Ignore what I call “fishbait” comments. Just don’t bite.
Now and then, you can make a really sweet point of your own by taking on a commenter who’s dangling fishbait. Just make sure it’s YOUR point that’s driving your response.
The intelligent commenters always “get it.”: Take that to the bank. They know what’s going on, and think the better of you for not biting on every flaming thing that passes by. The watching world ultimately rewards good temper, selectiveness, and coherence. Responding to combative commenters on their terms ends up being like hard cases making bad law. Just makes everyone wish first for a do-over, and then that they could be somewhere else.
This article may be of value to those who missed kindergarten or first grade.
Thank you for the opportunity to put this column into practice.
Having my side of a personal conversatin ignored would only piss me off more. The guy would either directly address my comment or we would not be talking in the future. Actually, I don’t know any females who would let this type of handling go, especially if they were already pissed.
What was that? Sorry, I was’t listening.
…
Those are really nice shoes. Where did you get them?
As a divorced woman I often ignored my husband when he went “off.” Like you, he couldn’t let things lie and my ignoring him drove him truly insane. Hence the divorce.
I think the point is that the person you are ignoring is not someone you care about but someone you want to keep from getting in the way of people you care about.
A guy once called me a far-right, conservative, Tea Party loving, gun loving, Bush-loving Republican, before he just about spat on me.
Although I didn’t ignore him, I simply replied, “Well, what’s your point?”
I love seeing people turn purple in the face when they have nothing to say.
You missed a great opportunity, Liberty.
You should have simply smiled and said, “Thank you.”
This should be labeled A VERY IMPORTANT COLUMN. Ilearned this skill as a child, mainly to deal with my very verbal mother. I think I picked it up from my father who lasted through 50+ years of marriage. Many should cultivate it and not scoff at it.
I often respond to people too often, especially on the internet. I see a lot of myself in that cartoon about the guy who is upset because someone else is wrong. I’m aware it’s a problem, but I still catch myself falling into that trap sometimes when it’s better to just let it go and allow the other guy to expose himself an idiot.
So, thanks for the good read, Mr. Hawkins. I needed the reminder.
People interested in another point of view on this topic should consider reading
“The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense”
by Suzette Haden Elgin
I actually like the article, except the advice about women. The message I got was that sometimes people act like they are seven years old and should be ignored. Sometimes women act like they’re seven years old, but it’s just their female emotions talking,and they should be placated.
Found myself reacting the same as you, Melissa.
You have beautiful eyes.
Yes, you. Beautiful eyes. You have them.
Melissa,
Your eyes shimmer like a diamond, you are so lucky to be soooo beautiful.
In the “Credit Where Due” department, the original comic was drawn by Randall Munroe. Here’s the link -
http://xkcd.com/386/
Disappointing that John Hawkins sees fit to omit attributions, but that’s just one MORE thing wrong with Professor Gore’s internet.
Great advice! I would hope that it gets out to many of the younger generation…as well as those who are stressed out most of the time; they always seem to be defensive, on edge, read things into what’s being said and quick with a smart aleck answer! Very difficult to have a balanced, productive conversation with anyone like that.
Replying or not, are not the only alternatives. There are 3 good ways and several bad ways to handle a negative comment.
The good ways are: ignore it; give a dispassionate, reasoned reply, with supporting evidence where needed; or write a *short*, subtly sarcastic, dismissive reply, meant to show that you disagree but can’t be bothered to explain why.
The 3 numbered rules given by the author should be sufficient for deciding which tactic to adopt. (I trust I don’t have to explain that the 3 questions do not map 1 to 1 to the 3 tactics.) Basically you want to give a dispassionate, reasoned reply only to someone who might be able to understand it.
Some bad ways of handling a negative comment are: giving an angry reply, giving a reply while angry, and using ad hominem arguments. (Though, in small doses, ad hominem could perhaps be used in sarcastic, dismissive replies.)
It also helps to remember that a single vote doesn’t make any difference: if you remember that, why would you waste time trying to win a single vote to your cause?
Another good rule is never to put 2 distinct ideas in a single comment, which is why I am writing the following in a separate comment.
The way Mr. Hawkins would handle a nagging girlfriend is counter-productive in the medium to long term. To compliment somebody who nags, means to reward the nagging behavior. By the Law of Effect, the nagging is going to increase.
That does not mean one should get into a fight: a fight can be rewarding too, via an adrenaline rush. Rather, I’d give a short, subtly sarcastic, dismissive reply, then ignore her*.
For more details, see Winning the Games People Play, by Nathan Miron.
* Obviously the Law of Effect holds irrespective of whether the annoying behavior comes from a woman, from a man, or even from non-human animals of either sex. I believe, however, that pick-up artists (PUAs) would be the first to see what’s wrong with John Hawkins’ suggestion.
BRAVO, John Hawkins. This is good advise – for love, work, or trolls.
Your advice does not work on women! They always see through it. And while a cleverly phrased question about dinner, or a movie, seems like it should work, it only stalls the inevitable. But I can report, letting your attention wander a few times while being questioned for jury duty, does pretty much guarantee you will not serve on a jury.