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Helen Smith

Helen Smith is a psychologist specializing in forensic issues in Knoxville, Tennessee, and blogs at Dr. Helen.

A Classic Example of White Knighting

So Dave Swindle here at PJM writes a reply to my post on the man with the spreadsheet being disappointed in his lack of a sex life with his wife:

I’m actually going to take the wife’s side in this dispute. I have absolutely ZERO SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER for this loser. Why?

Because it’s not a wife’s responsibility to be her husband’s happy whore, eagerly providing him with his orgasms on demand.

Dissatisfied husbands, want to know the secret to having sex with your wife whenever you want? It is not your wife’s responsibility to be ready to go on command, it’s YOUR responsibility to know your wife so well that you are capable of seducing her anytime. When you want to have sex with her you don’t ask her, you put her in the mood yourself. It’s really that simple: know you wife well enough so you can push the right buttons, say the right things, and create an environment where sex just naturally happens.

Unfortunately, that’s more work than most men are used to for getting orgasms.

This response is classic white knighting where the spreadsheet guy is a failure and this is why he can’t get sex. Note the word loser that is used in Dave’s first paragraph. Of course it’s important to white knight and call the guy a loser because that means that a man that doesn’t get upset if his wife won’t have sex with him is a winner! A convenient excuse to tell oneself on yet another sexless night. And of course, as Dave notes, it is always up to the man to take responsibility for any problems in the couple’s sex life. Wife doesn’t put out? It’s your fault, man. You lack self-control. Really?

I have a few questions for you, Dave. What if the man does all of the things you suggest such as put her in the mood, goes through all of the rituals etc. you suggest and then ends up with nothing? Then what? The man should then continue in a sexless marriage? Bask in the glow of his “self-control” as he wonders where the sex went? According to you, he alone (the loser!) is to blame. It takes two to tango, if you blame him alone for their lack of sex, you see women as having no responsibility and no agency in sex. Isn’t this a little sexist?

Update: Dave Swindle responds.

Posted at 5:04 am on July 22nd, 2014 by Helen Smith

Would You Want a Wife This Clueless About Sex and Your Emotions?

I read this article titled “Man Uses Spreadsheet to List All the Times Wife Turned Down Sex; Wife Posts it on Reddit” over at Is it true? I don’t know, but it is a good example of how many women (and men too, given some of the comments) don’t think men have any feelings when it comes to what they need in marriage. From the article:

Yesterday, Reddit user throwwwwaway29 went to the popular web site for advice: right before she left for a 10-day business trip, her husband sent her a spreadsheet. Column A listed all the dates from the beginning of June, column B listed whether they had sex that day, and column C noted the excuse given, using “verbatim quotes.”

“I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone,” she wrote. “According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 ‘attempts’ on his part.”

The discussion over at Reddit now appears to be locked down, but on another site here is mention of the letter the wife wrote in:

Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He’s never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my “excuses”, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part.

I saw the original letter from her before it was locked down and it seemed she was confused about his behavior, and said the lack of sex was unusual and that it was because she was just busy with work. From what I remember, she is in her 20s and the couple have been together around five years and married for two and have no kids.

Posted at 6:07 am on July 20th, 2014 by Helen Smith

A Mind for Numbers

I have been reading Barbara Oakley’s new book A Mind For Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even If You Flunked Algebra) this week. It’s a fascinating and fun read if you want to learn math, science or like me, just want to improve your memory.

I was actually pretty decent at math as my father was a mathematician and I grew up learning to love numbers. However, I had no natural talent, just no fear, which is important in learning math. Oakley makes this point throughout the book as she believes most people can learn math (and science) with the right tools and mindset. She is an engineering professor who failed her way through high school math but tackled these skills as an adult. Here is more about the book:

In A Mind for Numbers, Dr. Oakley lets us in on the secrets to effectively learning math and science—secrets that even dedicated and successful students wish they’d known earlier. Contrary to popular belief, math requires creative, as well as analytical, thinking. Most people think that there’s only one way to do a problem, when in actuality, there are often a number of different solutions—you just need the creativity to see them. For example, there are more than three hundred different known proofs of the Pythagorean Theorem. In short, studying a problem in a laser-focused way until you reach a solution is not an effective way to learn math. Rather, it involves taking the time to step away from a problem and allow the more relaxed and creative part of the brain to take over. A Mind for Numbers shows us that we all have what it takes to excel in math, and learning it is not as painful as some might think!

Relaxing while trying to learn math sounds counterintuitive but it works, according to the book. One of my favorite chapters is called “tools, tips, and tricks” and it gives the reader positive mental tricks to use to their advantage in learning. She tackles procrastination and gets tips from experts regarding their students such as “No going onto the computer during their procrastination time. It’s too engrossing” or “Before procrastinating, identify the easiest homework problem” and “Copy the equation or equations that are needed to solve the problem onto a small piece of paper and carry the paper around until they are ready to quit procrastinating and get back to work.”

All this seems to lead to being a bit more creative and perhaps a bit more relaxed. Come to think of it, the above tips would be helpful in writing a blog post except the writer has to use the computer and cannot avoid it. Anyway, the book is great and goes into more detail about how to increase your memory with metaphors and visualization. Pick it up if you want to know more about how to succeed at math and science or if you just need to improve your memory and learning ability.

Posted at 6:05 am on July 19th, 2014 by Helen Smith

FIRE announces a New Organization Founded to Promote Due Process on Campus:

FIRE is pleased to announce the launch of a new organization, Families Advocating for Campus Equality (FACE), dedicated to defending due process on campus. FACE president and co-founder Sherry Warner Seefeld is the mother of Caleb Warner, who was falsely found responsible for sexual assault by the University of North Dakota in one of FIRE’s best-known due process cases. Co-founders Judith Grossman and Allison Strange are mothers with similar experiences. FIRE looks forward to working with FACE on due process issues in the years to come.

I am glad to see that this new organization exists but it is founded by mothers of sons who have been charged falsely with sexual assaults. Where are the fathers in these cases? Do they not care or are they afraid to fight back or just out of the picture?

Posted at 4:44 am on July 16th, 2014 by Helen Smith

Women Fighting for Men’s Rights

I interview the Honey Badgers Brigade, a group of women who attended the Detroit Men’s Conference about men’s issues and why they stand with men against sexism.

Posted at 5:00 am on July 14th, 2014 by Helen Smith

Are Men Treated Fairly on Campus?

I talk to Sage Gerard about helping young men fight back on college campuses.

Posted at 4:16 am on July 12th, 2014 by Helen Smith

Proving Who’s the Daddy: Men Don’t Get a Fair Shake in Paternity Cases

I interview Carnell Smith at the International Men’s Conference in Detroit on paternity fraud.

Posted at 3:30 pm on July 9th, 2014 by Helen Smith

PJTV Goes To the International Men’s Conference

I interview Paul Elam, founder of a Voice for Men, Dr. T. on why men hook up with abusive or borderline women and Jonathan Taylor of A Voice for Male Students in this episode of PJTV.

Posted at 3:10 pm on July 8th, 2014 by Helen Smith

Want to Get Rich? Buy a Walgreens

I am reading a book by Tom Wheelwright called Tax-Free Wealth: How to Build Massive Wealth by Permanently Lowering Your Taxes (Rich Dad Advisors) and trying to figure out how to reduce taxes. Many of the strategies are a bit too complicated and risky for many people, including myself.

For example, in chapter nineteen on “The Magic of Real Estate,” the author suggests that you find a Walgreens to buy. You buy Walgreens property, they find the land, build the building, sell the land and building to the investor, and lease them back for 30 years. Okay, so now, you as the investor pay the mortgage. Then Walgreens sends you a check that you deposit in your account. “So you don’t have to do anything. You travel all over the world with the investment income for your Walgreen’s property til a ripe old age.”

The next paragraph goes into how one can use depreciation deductions to further shelter your taxes. All this “sounds” easy, right? Wrong, not to me anyway. You need accountants that are hard to get in touch with, constant documentation, and tax planning that sounds pretty complicated. In addition, I thought there was a depreciation recapture which means some of the money will have to be paid back at some point if you sell it. It sounds like a headache. And what if Walgreens goes bankrupt? What do you do then? Books like these always make it sound like nothing will go wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, the book is good, interesting and makes some good points about how to save on taxes but dealing with so many professionals, their costs and all of the accounting really sounds time consuming and if time is money, as the book mentions, aren’t you just trading one form of work for another?

If you have some simple tax saving strategies, please share them below (legal ones please!).

Posted at 2:45 pm on July 7th, 2014 by Helen Smith

Don’t Men Deserve Some Freebies too?

Neo-neocon: Birth Control, it’s free!:

And dare I ask: what of men? I understand that only women can get pregnant, and this is a very important aspect of their health care that does not apply to men. But don’t things like HIV, contraception, domestic violence, and STIs apply to men? Do they not deserve some freebies too?

And what of the myriad other health problems we all face? If the socialist camel has gotten his nose in the tent regarding women’s reproductive care, why shouldn’t his whole body and then a whole herd of camels follow? The answer is, of course, that universal “free” coverage has always been the intention of the left. And getting the birth control mandate in there slyly and secretly was the way to go, because Obamacare probably would never have been passed if its designers and proponents had been upfront and put it in the statute itself.

Posted at 5:18 am on July 6th, 2014 by Helen Smith