PJ Media

I am completely fascinated by this whole dialogue that is actually popping up everywhere. I have a Masters in Counseling Psychology and I have to say that I was completely unaware that men were feeling this way. And I understand now what their gripe’s are. It does appear that in some ways there is a pendulum effect that has occurred. In other words at a point in time women’s rights were not supported and women, and the ways in which we engage in the world, were considered less than. However, as women have started to come into their own so to speak it seems as if they’ve done what many people who feel they’ve been “victimized” or “subjugated” do. They either over-identify with “the oppressor”, so you do still have the women who to a fault defend men who are not actually respectful of our gender. Or you attack or belittle; trying to put the “perpetrator” in their place. Either to make them feel what you felt, or to feel recompense.

Neither stance is healthy. First it rules out the individual. No one should be held responsible for what another did. Second, it’s based on historical trends and not present-centered analysis and critical thinking. There are many amazing respectful men out there who are being disrespected, and mistreated because of some idea of what “men” are.

Also, in terms of equality. We are not equal in all ways. That’s what makes both individuals and genders unique. What should be equal is our legal rights. There’s no reason why any of us should get obsessed with acting like we are equal in all ways. But we also don’t need to stand up and point out all the ways our gender is better. I think that part of the problem is everyone is in an aggressive stance, and therefore evokes defensiveness on the other side.

Bottom line problem I see, is that women are trying to make men more like women. We have to start respecting individuals, and genders, for who they naturally are and what they are drawn to in the world. That’s not to say we should tolerate mistreatment and abusive behavior. But I think we should stop trying to box anyone into some ideal of what they should be. We have been pushing men to be both masculine, protective, and caretaking, and at the same time sensitive, question-asking, loving, and equal in parenting, too often. I get it. The pendulum has swung too far and there are a lot of unfair expectations. And frankly a denial of reality on our part as women. How fair is it to expect someone to bear the whole financial burden let’s say yet not contribute in any way in return like let’s say cooking meals for instance. I have male friends who do take the whole financial burden- working their asses off at high stress jobs- and then have wives who feel entitled to that without any exchange of resources. If it’s about partnership and you don’t have the money to equally contribute do your best to give time, energy, kindness, whatever resources are available to you.

This is not to say all couples are like this. Plenty of marriages now are more equal in the sense that both people contribute- men take care of kids, and women contribute equally financially. And in no way should we be tallying everything. But all in all it is unfair to expect anyone to naturally and willingly do whatever stereotypical behavior you think they have to. Whether it’s a man assuming that their working wife should also be responsible for ALL childcare because she’s a woman, or a woman expecting a man should pay for everything because he’s a man.

I get why men are so angry and writing as forcefully as they are. There is not an outlet that is understanding towards them. It’s typical to support the “underdog” and at a point in our history we really were the underdog. In the sense of their was (and in some ways still is) a power dynamic. Men are more physically powerful, so they can do things to us, or make us do things we wouldn’t want. (And while it’s not the norm, it’s still very prevalent.) Men also are still more represented in position of influence like politics, and finance. And yes men, you still get paid more for the same jobs. This all implies a power differential. That’s why a lot of people don’t worry about what’s happening on your side.

Yet in truth, your being misunderstood, judged, and in many ways mistreated. That is never acceptable.

My hope though is that all the staunch feminist’s and diehard men on the other side, can lower their weapons and look at this dilemma. As long as we attack the other it doesn’t work.

I’m fascinated in this whole debate. I would love to start interviewing some of you guys too. I think more women like me need to understand what you all are facing. A lot of the problem lies in ignorance.

Vanessa