Follow all imposed religious belief systems to the letter. It’s a tip we can all live with.
I remember when the whole Danish cartoon thing was going down a few years ago, and I saw it as a ludicrous issue. Freedom of speech allows me to say just about anything, even to yell, “theater” in a crowded firehouse if I so desire. Anyway, back then, I even wrote a few mocking missives about Muhammad and his followers. Maybe even posted a cartoon or two that drew the ire of some ardent religious followers of the guy. But, I thought, heck, it’s a free country.
Looking back on the whole brouhaha, though, gives me some perspective. Now I think Bill O’Reilly is correct when he feels we should bow to the tenets of the Muslim faith. Consequently, I no longer create cartoons that show Muhammad getting his head chopped off by a fellow Muslim who attacked him due to a case of mistaken identity. Trouble was, since the poor fellow never saw a picture of Muhammad, he mistook him for an infidel and went and, clean as a whistle, lopped off his bean. Truth be known, I now see the controversy in a whole new light. And possess a much deeper understanding of the need not only to respect the religious beliefs of others, but to follow them to the letter.
Fact is, I now live my life making a real attempt never to offend anyone, using my first amendment rights only when everyone seems to be in agreement. Furthermore, I chastised South Park for showing a likeness of Muhammad. And for publishing Muhammad’s home address. Not to mention for mocking the Islamic faith. My politeness even extends to non-religious areas of my life. For example, even when my order from the dollar menu at McDonald’s gets screwed up, and I end up with a diet coke when I ordered iced tea, I drink the tea. Eat my side salad. Smile politely, “Pleasantville” style. And go on my way.
Really, I just have (or is it have just?) one request. No, wrong word. A demand. One might call it tit for tat. Being a devout Catholic, I believe in going to mass every Sunday, and to confession once a month like clockwork. And since I live in a Chicago high rise building where a Muslim just moved, who, of course, are not of my religious persuasion, I saw it as my duty to introduce myself, and let them know that I insist they follow my religious belief system. Mass every Sunday, religiously. Stations of the cross during Lent. You get the idea. While assuring them I would create no pictures of Muhammad, not even mental ones. At the same time, adding that if I saw another woman in a short skirt (I’ve thrown out all of mine), I would stone her as a punishment for her sins.
They thanked me for introducing myself, and bid me goodbye. In this new era of religious conformity, I felt we understood each other. Last Sunday, though, I didn’t see them at church, which is just up the block. So I knocked on their door again and asked if they had tended to my religious mandate by attending mass at a different church, or possibly went at a different hour than I, or perhaps, had to stay home because of illness, possibly suffering from what Dickens called it, “an overcooked potato.” To my horror, shock, surprise and dismay, they informed me that this is a free country; that I had no right to impose my religious views on them. They even had the nerve to quote me excerpts from the U.S. Constitution. Whatever.
I had no alternative. I killed them.
