Poor Pragmatist…Maybe Americans paid attention when Churchill said of your own government, “You had a choice between dishonor and war. You have chosen dishonor. You will get war.” And by golly, you did!
The British Navy? Yep – them Germans in their canoes were pitiful. As I recall – when the pride of the British Navy, [the Hood, wasn't it?] had the epic 30 second battle with the Bismarck after which the Hood became a graveyard, what was it that you sent after the Bismarck? Oh yeah – the entire freakin’ British Navy had to be re-routed to sink one boat. Yup.
But wait – it wasn’t the Navy that really croaked the Bismarck was it? No. It was Britain’s ingenious employment of 1917 Swordfish Single Torpedo Bi-planes – so wisely saved for the 1940′s while ours were wasting away in museums – that – backed up by the whole damned British Navy – was able to decisively dent a propeller on the Bismarck? Then – the entire Navy, employing the most daring of strategies was able to figure a way to sink the Bismarck while the Bismarck paddled around in one continuous circle like a duck in a barrel. That was a result of British Naval know-how if ever there was any. They may have had a pitiful collection of canoes in Germany, but, by gum, they were certainly big canoes, weren’t they?
Oh yes, your Empire and the Russians would have wiped out Hitler. Uh-huh…Yup, all those barefoot Hindus, and Tutsis, Zulus, Ugandans would have carried the day. How forunate that the entire British Empire stood on the shoulders of barefoot natives armed with the latest spears and slingshots. Yup – you guys always seemed to conquer utterly helpless chaps, didn’t you? Hmmmm…when was the last time the Empire conquered a modern industrial country? Do Falklanders using electric sheep shears count as ‘industrialized?’
And – uh – yeah…we didn’t feel like getting into WW II. After your WW I fiasco, in which your idiot generals – the ones so good at conquering barefoot tribesmen – kept launching attacks against machine guns to the tune of 50,000 fatalities per battle, you figured out that the Germans were just not going to play to your strength: shooting barefoot people with spears.
The idiocy of the generals of Britain managed to leave the flower of Britain planted amongst Europe’s weeds. As Churchill himself wondered, had the gene pool of powerful Alpha males been so decimated by the genius of the Empire’s commanders that victory couldn’t be won with the remaining specimens?
Maybe Pres. Wilson and other Americans were not so thrilled with the idea of joining WW I since, in part, it resulted from the ingenious strategy of breeding Queen Victoria like a horse so her geldings could intermarry with all the other drooling ruling royal classes of Europe and Russia to establish – what was it called? – Pax Brittania? Anyway, interbreeding, crossbreedings, etc., sure did create a juggernaut of peace, didn’t they? Incidentally – wasn’t the Kaiser in WW I your cousin, nephew, brother, or some such relative? And wasn’t the Tsar running Russia the cousin of King Edward whose reign lasted for the ten minutes it took to marry Mrs. Simpson? In fact, weren’t the major players in World War I led by all your own family members? It was more of a family feud than a war wasn’t it?
Oh yeah – we couldn’t wait to get involved in that fiasco.
As you say – the Germans weren’t able to invade Britain. Your air force, assisted by our pilots always managed to meet the Germans in the right spot in the air. That, of course, was due to the genius of the RAF commanders. How clever of them to call Massachusetts Institute of Technology and talk them into inventing radar. Clausewitz himself would never have had the strategic brilliance to think of that!
Sir – do us all a favor. When Parliament mandates you acquire your prayer rug and the Imam of Canterbury dictates that Buckimngham has to grow an arboretum in the shape of an arrow to establish HRH’s Royal Arrow Pointing to Mecca, please forget our phone number. O.K.?
And one last thing: About Ireland – did their government send you a formal invitation to conquer and pillage them or was the invitation sent by Irishmen who saw a great opportunity to become your gardeners?
[Seriously – to those brave Brits who fought alonside my American father, and who today fight as brothers in arms in Afghanistan and Iraq, please ignore this letter. This missive is directed solely to Mr. Pragmatist. He’s just one of those chaps who likes to show up unarmed at a battle of wits.
Jim Anderson
