I’m recently divorced. Couple of kids. 50/50 custody. Yes, they’re the most important thing to me right now. I’m very interested in meeting somebody wonderful and hopefully getting a chance to do it over right next time. But not right now. I want at least a year to get my head in the right place, make sure my kids are good with things, and then I can start thinking about dating. So far, kids and myself are doing all right.
I know couples with kids who decided they want a divorce, haven’t even filed, but have separated and started dating. Some of them have kids too. But parents are too busy focusing on themselves and their own “needs”. Some still tell me they’re focusing on their kids, but their kids need help and are not having an easy time. I suspect their feeling a bit abandoned. Some divorced or separated parents actually ignore their kids completely. They’re acting like self-centered 15 year-olds all over again, and so they’re likely going to be hooking up with immature mates doing the same thing… partying, having a ball, ignoring the important things that matter at this stage of their lives… $1000 says they’re next marriages are disasters too. Between having kids that are acting out for want of attention, self-centeredness, immaturity, and lack of focus on what’s important… I expect them to fail… again…
Re: Mama73′s comments, while some are disagreeing with it, I think she has a valid point. Abusive, arrogant, macho, gold-digging, self-centered, alcoholic, whatever it may be, it’s usually there when people get married. If you didn’t see it, maybe you were too stupid to see it, or more likely, you chose to ignore it. Then you pay the price and deserve some of the blame since you allowed or enabled the bad behavior.
My ex was just excessively needy and insecure, and she couldn’t make decisions on her own. As a result, she was more “attached” to me, and I mistook that attachment as love. Later, I discovered she didn’t really love me. She was looking for a father to take care of her. Little did I know that I was failing as a father to her, and all sorts of resentment was building up inside of her. I encouraged her to have some independence. I think she felt that I was pushing her away when I did that. And when I decided to pursue different directions in my career, she couldn’t be supportive of me. She was terrified because she saw it as undermining her security and stability. We were plenty secure financially, but that’s not how she perceived it. And that’s when I really found out that she didn’t love me. She told me I was being selfish and that she didn’t want me to change my career and then she exploded; 15 years of anger and resentment. Accused me of being overbearing. Said that things always had to be my way and I made all the decisions. I was flummoxed! Marraige counseling turned into weekly sessions where she could vent anger and when the counselor finally interrupted and said, “let’s let him respond to that,” then I would express a sentence or two of my own take on things or admit how I felt about it and she would burst out of her sit, get red in the face and say, “You’re such a *%&$ liar!”.
With 20/20 hindsight, I know realize that all of this makes perfect sense, and WOW, the signs were all there right from the beginning. She wanted a dad replacement, or a big brother and didn’t want to emotionally invest in me. She needed somebody to take care of her, but I was looking for an equal partner.
Yes, I am to blame. I choose her. I should have seen the writing on the wall, and I was somehow attracted to her neediness. Some of her insecurities and nervous behavior sometimes came off as cute or funny (not just to me, but to friends as well). We’d think sometimes that she was just going a long way towards being polite and not being overbearing… really, she was neurotic and indecisive and needed somebody to make the decisions for her. But that doesn’t mean she always liked the decisions that other people made and how they affected her.
So in a year+ time, I hope that I might find somebody kind, thoughtful, mostly self-sufficient and self-confident, with or without kids. If she has kids, I hope that they are the most important thing in their lives and I would encourage her to make them her priority and not worry so much about me. I’ll be there. I’m not needy. I don’t want to own her and I don’t want her to own me… Let’s just share some good times and each other. Sounds corny, maybe, but a “me + you = something much more” as opposed to a more submissive person being absorbed into the more dominant person and making “something less than one”.
Headcases need not apply.
Ya, I know… I’m prepared to be single the rest of my life. 
