Ask Dr. Helen: Do Husbands Owe Wives Post-Childbirth ‘Push Presents?’
Let’s see…”Must give” occasions list:
1. Her birthday(and it must be better, and more thoughtfully romantic” than hers to you, and should include worship of her existence if possible…and diamonds)
2. Valentine’s Day(same as above)
3. Wedding Anniversary(same addendum as above)
4. Christmas(same as above, and her present from you must be the best, and most thoughtful one she gets from anyone)
5. Mother’s Day(see number 1)
6. Each Time She Gives Birth(for whatever reason)
7. Each Time She Gets Miffed(traditionally flowers, though “she will have to” if you give diamonds)
8. Divorce Court(which includes all worldly possessions, including children, and all of their expenses, from each of the marriages that have failed, until all of them turn 18, theoretically, and alimony until she stupidly marries again, instead just co-habiting and keeping the gravy flowing in), which will happen because the marriage happened in the first place.
9. All of the Myriad Events In-Between(That I naturally missed because I’m a man and insensitively “forgot” to read Cosmo each month to find out the latest reason I’m supposed to be giving my wife a present).
