Ask Dr. Helen: Do Husbands Owe Wives Post-Childbirth ‘Push Presents?’
Like I said, I’m all for the push present, but I’m a bit queasy at the idea of it serving as a reward to one’s wife for producing a male, like one of the posters above described. I thought that went the way of the dodo bird, at least in these here less benighted parts of Earth.
And the other thing is, remember how vulnerable a woman is on the delivery of a child, especially if it is her first. Her life is about to change in ways she can only imagine. From being a financially independent, autonomous person, unused to require approval for any but the most significant decisions, she is about to become reliant on her husband for financial support, accounting to him for her needs and expenditures, on her husband and family and community at large for a helping hand with the baby, and on the baby for what were once simple decisions like when to go to the bathroom and leave the house.
She is also consigned with the most onerous responsibility she has ever known. During her pregnancy she has scrupulously scrutinized her food consumption and environment to minimize harm and maximize benefit to the growing fetus, in a way most men will never know. (Are cold cuts in or out? Is that sushi vegetarian? What supplements should I take? Should I enter that newly painted or varnished room?) After delivery, if she is breastfeeding (which, if she is a responsible mother, she will make every attempt to do), the burden is only slightly eased, and she is the sole provider of nourishment for a helpless infant.
Each successive child only deepens her reliance on others, further diminishes her autonomy, and increases her responsibilities (however much it may add to her joy). A present is a man’s way of saying that he appreciate the ways in which her life has changed, and reassurance that he will support her in whatever way he can. And no matter how steady and stable their relationship is, I think most women would appreciate that reassurance. What it is not is a substitute for such a relationship. But as customs and rituals go, I can hardly think of one that is less meaningful.
