Wow. Before I read the previous comments I’ll add a little brainstorming since my case is rather extreme. I am not married because New York does not have common law marriage. Yet I would be classified as married in most states, since I have lived in the same apartment and have joint back accounts with my Korean lawyer girlfriend. We are both about 40 and in addition to her patent-bar-included law degree, we both have Ph.D.s in chemistry from Columbia. Her yearly bonuses (not to mention massive stock options) at the best company to work for in the USA means she no longer makes 10X as much as me, like she did miserably at law firms, but her recent yearly bonus was more than I make in a year (!).
That I run my own home business making design products, allowing me to tax deduct most everything except dining out and clothing (which she pays for anyway except for my love of obscure t-shirt companies) means I pay almost no tax, so her bonus isn’t worth its dollar value as my profits indeed are. You get the idea though, of a vast gap in earning power, especially if you appreciate that we have been lovers for about 17 years, and she is quite a ladder climber.
So what’s my advice? Maintain psychological dominance. This does not mean emotional abuse. It does mean that you must, as a man, have utterly no tolerance for *being* emotionally abused or treated dismissively etc. I make enough money to not need an allowance, ah hum, but I have had to teach her, as politely as possible, that just because Madonna and Martha Stewart get $500 haircuts every month, and buy many $1200 dresses a month, that she should *save* some money, and especially in her near 50% tax bracket that a penny saved is indeed two pennies earned, a concept that formerly eluded her. Frugal, she is not, but it’s her money, so I limit myself to a little teasing and an audio book or two.
For my part, I, being a self-tooled craftsperson and product designer, have, over the years, utterly renovated the apartment. The rent for this large space with its new chef’s kitchen, two baths, hard wood floors, marble fixings, gold-painted trim and red flower fabric covered walls (not done yet) is one third the rent it should be in NYC. I save her lots of money this way!
I hate to say it but unlike men, women will come to feel what can only be called “sexual repulsion” towards a man she loses respect for, so at ALL costs, a lower-earning man (in my case because I don’t really *want* to work 10X as hard to make 10X as much money) must not ALLOW the ancient hard-wired dynamic of the “dominant” male (father figure) to slowly evaporate, for if a female loses “respect” for a male, it’s over. This has been scientifically studied as a determining factor in future divorce: if a woman shows disdain (rolling of eyes etc.) towards her husband during touchy conversations.
How does a lower-earning male like me (despite having my products regularly featured in catalogs and national magazines) escape this sort of slow slide into becoming pussywhipped? Never allow yourself to lose any self-confidence as being the physical sex called male. Believe it or not, most appealing women are attracted to masculine confidence, personal and social boldness, and self-respect, not money.
A big problem though, is that women tend to classify men as either Lovers (exciting boytoys) or as Providers (husbands). I recently realized that I had been in Lover category in my girlfriend’s mind, and having survived her biological clock crisis at 30, this latest one at 40 is serious business, so I may be at the end of a good deal. Beer. Sex. Movies. Dining. Being Spoiled, Etc. Bye bye.
A few weeks ago, during a rental movie, she said “Oh, by the way, I think I’ll move out soon.” This being about the most shocking thing I’ve ever experienced, namely the utter casualness and situation in which she said it, I insisted that she start seeing a therapist weekly, especially given that rent in NYC would then cost her thousands a month more, and that you *don’t* break up with someone during a beer-drinking rental movie session in the tone of voice akin to: “Oh, by the way, my camera memory is full.” So she’s not moving out after all, but may not consider me husband material.
I wont go into further detail such as my bewildered discovery of what passive-aggression was, but to say that I have seen many pussywhipped men who got that way all by themselves, by being utterly ashamed of themselves as people for not making more money than their girlfriend, or not being able to find good work at all, and have also witnessed those same girls getting drunk and flirting with me right in front of him. Money is not masculinity. Women are attracted to masculinity. DUH! How can you act masculine by waving around metrosexual diamond cuff links How often do rich social misfit men get laid versus poor guys who tease the hell out of every cute girl around?
One huge aspect is *how* to not tolerate disrespect, or even subtly demeaning, or demanding behavior. Do NOT react emotionally. That is exactly the opposite of what is effective. WITHDRAW attention, without becoming emotional. Leave, telling her why. In no time at all, she will cut the narcissistic crap, especially since she cannot then become *addicted* to the emotionality of upsetting you, many women being utter emotion junkies, often verging on emotional vampirism.
Having now read the other comments, I’ll add that early on, *I* paid for dining out, and when I moved in, I paid her $30K credit card bill as she was finishing law school. The comments mostly say the same thing: no big deal unless the MAN makes a big deal of it and starts to feel unnecessarily emasculated. In my case it was harder, since my relationship itself was often on life support because my girlfriend was crazy. She never showed anger, but just acted it out, so I started to go crazy and became oversensitive to slights. Therapy (for her) is helping, meaning she’s starting to understand that other people (like me) have emotions.
I do not agree with combining earnings. We have a joint bank account, but that’s just so I can get free health insurance through her company. If we combined money, I wouldn’t find it easy to see when I’m letting my business slide.
