Mrs. Apostic and I have been married for fifteen years now, and for most of that time she has earned more than me. We’ve had a few advantages in this matter; therefore, my answer to the general querry for general advice is lengthy, but I include the details to support my conclusions.
1) When we got married, our wedding vows included a promise “to love, respect and honor … regardless of the changes in your lives.” If the situation for the couple becomes, for example, the wife making more than the husband, that’s just another one of those changes. And given some changes a couple might have to endure, the question of “who makes more money” is childishly minor.
2) We started out with nothing: I was an enlisted man pulling down a few dollars twice a month for saving the world, and we didn’t have much financial and material support from our families. (Long story, and this answer is plenty long already.) We accepted the fact that it was going to be a struggle at first just to get by. We promised each other we’d never argue over money.
3) Not long after we got married, the reversal happened. My wife is from New Zealand. She’s also an RN. When the bureaucracies eventually allowed her to work in the States, it was instant big bucks.
4) At this point, I learned to be thankful. If there was stress, it wasn’t bruised ego; Hell, sometimes I bragged about how successful my wife was. No, possible stress on my part has been the occasional fear she might trade up. Hasn’t happened yet, and (knock forehead) I do what I can to sidetrack this. And, no, not talking about sex; I’m just talking about being a good husband, and as far as I’m concerned, that starts with keeping my wife as my best friend. Everything else follows from that.
5) Purse strings? When my wife was growing up, she had to be the one in her family that kept book. Therefore, she’s the best person for that job in our relationship. (At least I’m a better cook….) And as I said, we promised each other we’d never argue over money. And yes we use joint accounts.
6) When I was coming to the end of my obligated military duty and considering reenlisting, my wife made me an offer that I could not refuse: She said she’d work as sole bread winner while I went to college as a fulltime student and finished my degree as quickly as possible. All I had to do in return was not reenlist and get another job that didn’t require me to vanishing for months at a time. This suggestion kind of bruised my professional military ego, but after I’d had a couple of days to think it through (another long story), I accepted her kind offer. Today I make a lot more money than I would have as an enlisted man. (Heh, and yet she still pulls down twice what I make.)
They say a good partnership is one where each party feels like it’s the one that comes out ahead on the deal. This can be true of marriage, and it applies just as much to couples where the gal earns more than the guy.
I guess if I had to give general advice to the woman who brings home a bigger slab of bacon than her husband, it’d be this: If your mutual love stumbles too much over the point of which of you makes more money, then I think you’d better ask if you two were in love to begin with. After all, a good marriage should continue “regardless of the changes in your lives.” And speaking of changes, don’t try to change your husband, but do support his choices for self-improvements. That’s true of any marriage, but maybe more true when a guy has a problem defining himself and accepting his own value.
And for the guys who find themselves in this position and are pained by bruised egos, my advice is: Dude, you should so be counting your blessings. And if you let yourself push her to the point where she leaves you because you’ve decided to (re)define yourself as a jerk, then your ego’s about to suffer more than a little bruising.
