Well, it occurs to me- they can be terrifying for another reason: what if the person the apology is directed to then uses that admission of guilt as a hanging gallows: “If you loved me, then…… You owe me b/c ……..”
I know some people who have behaved truly atrociously in the past. They have literally never said “I’m sorry” or even admitted they had behaved in such a fashion. But-they also write big checks at Christmas. At least two of the relatives say, “Well, of course they do- they owe me.” That’s long-term blackmail.
Others have not said ” I forgive you” – there hasn’t been an explicit apology- but prefer to act as if an apology has been given- trying to stay in relationship, despite getting verbally spanked every so often by the “you owe me” crowd sure seems like they want forgiveness….
but mentioning the behavior brings on terrible, deep blushes and spluttering. It’s as if they can’t imagine that people can say ” you did this, it’s over, and it happened- but you are still in relationship.” they think what they did was so bad that the penalty ought to be being cut off entirely. that hasn’t happened, and they don’t know why- their best guess is that everyone forgets, or their lies stand- not that they live in grace, more or less-from others.
and, well, refusing the big check panics them- they think they’ve bought relationship- not, they are in relationship, and don’t need to write checks. they can just show up and eat birthday cake like everyone else.
it’s tricky, and forgiveness takes bandaids off- who knows what sort of thing is under the bandaid?
also, a forgiveness- one has to have changed perspective to realize that one was wrong before. Nobody feels guilty for a meteor falling out of the sky. They feel guilty for their culpable actions. Some beliefs and behaviors have damaging aspects. If you believe them, you just think- cost of breathing- not “I have chosen the wrong path and harmed another as well as myself.” Changing like that is really, really rare. I think Mr Simon, who owns this website, is a very unusual man. He’s changed professionally. He’s changed personally. And he’s done it in public.
