There’s also that society isn’t doing jack to sell marriage to men.
It’s interesting to see that women still wish to get married. Yes, the desire for babies has a stronger biological component in women than it does in men, or so we’ve been told, but marriage is a desirable thing for women even before the biological clock starts ringing. Even as little girls, they are sold the idea that their wedding will be a watershed moment in their lives. Their entertainments are wrapped up in it, whether it’s the traditional fare of the Bronte sisters or the more modern pop and sizzle of “Sex in the City”.
Men, on the other hand, have no real corresponding push towards marriage. That wasn’t always the case. When my grandfathers married, it was pretty much considered all but an economic necessity and society dictated the roles of wives and husbands in the marriage. When my father got married, the times were changing. While the economic incentives were dwindling, it was still expected that you would get married, and as soon as possible around the completion of your schooling. The roles of husbands and wives might have required a bit more negotiation, but everyone had fairly clear ideas about what was expected of them. I remember, as a teenager, listening in shock to men of my father’s generation discuss marrying their second or third choices for a wife. Abstaining from marriage simply wasn’t done for most healthy, normal men of that time.
And now? I never felt any real compulsion to get married. I did, eventually, at 28 years of age, and found that my wife and I were pretty much on our on in terms of deciding what our marriage was about and how it would work. But at no point did I feel marriage was expected of me. Popular culture has little to say that might encourage men to choose marriage. Throw in the lack of economic or social incentives, and is it any wonder that men give it little serious thought? The negatives are immediately obvious to the most casual observer. The positives for the individual are more difficult to sell. Longer life? I can get that by not smoking, regular exercise, and eating right. Companionship? I already have good friends whom I see on a regular basis. Regular and frequent sex? Uh huh, right. Pull the other one.
Not only is it a tough sell, near as I can tell, nobody is making it. The churches gave up on that years ago. Positive role models are few and far between in popular culture. The only ones who seem to be making an effort are country music stars and female scolds. Neither are likely to convince the large majority of men, especially urban men, that marriage is something they should bother with.
It’s good to hear that Ms. Hymowitz is considering a follow-up article. I’ll be looking forward to reading it.
