“There are a number of reasons men are virgins after the age of 40; they feel comfortable this way and have no desire for sex (asexuality); their faith prohibits premarital sex; they want sex but don’t know how to approach a woman and feel unable to ‘compete,’ (in other words, ‘got no game’); and finally, prior sexual abuse that may have interfered developmentally with their desire and/or their confidence in attracting women.”
Dr. Helen, I can’t thank you enough. Almost every other host/columnist who mention asexuality at all seems to intimate, condescendingly, that asexuals simply have something wrong with them and that they need to see a doctor for their “problem.” While it is true, as you say, that sometimes there’s a more sinister genesis for someone not wanting to have sex, many of us have a low libido and are cool with it. You take a more “live and let live” approach, and I really do appreciate it.
I’m 35 and male, and I’ve never been sexually active. When I was in high school, it didn’t even occur to me that others around me might be having sex, as — though I was in a public high school — I attended only “nice” parties where there was no alcohol or drugs or kissing or what-have-you. In college, I marvelled at how two people would have a few drinks at a party, and then select each other almost randomly to suck face, when I didn’t want to do that even with someone I had romantic feelings for.
So, when people allege that there’s a connection between my lack of romantic partners and my lack of sex, I respond that, if anything, my disinterest in sex has caused a lack of romance, not the other way around. I was always looking for someone to hold hands and kiss on the cheek with, which never seemed to fit in with the atmosphere around me, contrary to the gross misconception that the US is a “sexually repressed nation.”
