Well, here goes.. I’ve still got 7 or so years before starring in my own “40 year old virgin” remake, but that movie hit much too close to home. I’m 6’4″ and about 340-350 lbs (about the size of a lineman), but I’ve always been oversized (hat size 8.5, shoes 15) and mildly active (skiing, bicycling, swimming). I have basically engineered my entire life around being self-reliant and self-contained, and while I have no problem being friends with women, I find I really just can’t trust them. I could probably have found some girl at a frat party or something, or paid a professional in Vegas or Amsterdam (been to both many times) but it didn’t seem right.
I think for me at least a part of it really was the sort of militant feminist PC that prevailed during my formative years, it was the time of the contractualization of courtship (Antioch College was the poster child) and demonization of males that has continued to this day. Not to mention the fact that the AIDS panic was in full bloom, along with Just Say No. Being a good young conservative, I did.
I always thought, after college, that my drive would go down. It has, but it’s been replaced by loneliness as my friends have all settled down and started families. I see what they have, and I want it, but I haven’t the first clue on where to start. I feel like I’m at someone’s confirmation or bar-mitzvah, not knowing when to stand or what to say.
It doesn’t help that I relocated to a new town for work, and while it pays very well (near 6-figures in an area with a top-20 low cost of living) and leaves me with lots of spare time, I just wouldn’t know how to even go about finding someone. Going by myself to some bar seems desperate, and even then I wouldn’t know what to do. My field is also overwhelmingly male, there are basically no opportunities to meet anyone at the office, and I would be petrified of HR if I did (I saw that SNL sketch).
Most days I really do have to ask myself why there’s a point to me being on this planet, as I end up feeling redundant and unnecessary. The best answer I could come up with is that it would upset my family if I weren’t here. While I fully support the 2nd amendment for individual protection, I just don’t trust myself with a handgun, for the same reason that I would keep the windows rolled up in the car while going over bridges as a child.
So, another day will be here soon, another pointless day, maybe I’ll be able to help someone, maybe there’ll be a reason for me to be here. I guess that’s inspiration enough?
Even somewhat anonymously, it was good to get that off my chest.
