I married my husband when I was 24 and he was 31. That was over five years ago, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
Everything I’ve wanted to do– go back to school, write a novel, travel the world– he’s encouraged me made possible by supporting me emotionally, and, when I was in school and not working, financially as well.
When I felt guilty about not contributing financially to our household, he kept reminding me that he was investing in both of our futures, and that when I made a fortune from selling the great American novel, he’d have no problem spending it.
I’ve supported him in a lot of ways, too. When he left his job for a risky sounding plan for self-employment, I supported him. I don’t bother him when he needs to travel for long periods for work. I encourage him to be his own person, but when he needs a little mothering , I’m happy to do that for him, too.
A few pieces of advice (in addition to Dr Helen’s, which I loudly second):
1. Don’t fight in public. It shows such a lack of respect for your relationship and for your spouse. Also, it’s mortifying to have others know your intimate problems, and it’s very uncomfortable for the people who have to listen.
2. When you fight, and you will, stick to the issue at hand. Don’t bring up everything bad that person has done from the beginning of the relationship. Don’t resort to ad hominem attacks. Don’t say anything cruel that will stick in his mind long after you’ve resolved the issue that prompted the fight.
3. Understand that your husband is not a pet and is not a project. Marry him the way he is. Sure, you can teach him to be more considerate about leaving his dirty clothes around the house, or get him to accept that you find certain jokes hurtful even though he thinks they’re funny. But he’s never going to turn into mister romantic if he wasn’t when you met him. He isn’t all of a sudden going to learn to love the opera because you do. Make sure you love him exactly the way he is. And if you can’t live with him that way, marry someone else.
4. Give each other space. If he wants to watch football on Sunday, and you want to g hiking, invite his buddies over to watch the game, and go hiking with their wives. Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. Find time for both of you to enjoy your own pursuits, and don’t make each other feel guilty about them.
5. Spend enough time together. Have a date night once a week. Even if you just go for coffee at the local diner, get out of the house, sit face to face, and talk, or crack jokes, or do whatever it is you used to like to do when you were dating.
What I love most about our marriage is that we’re always laughing. We try not to take things to seriously. I think following all of the suggestions above has helped keep things fresh and fun, even though we’ve been through our fair share of tough times.
