All of the commentors appear to fall into two categories. Those burned by belief in monogamy and the marriage contract and those in succesful marriages. While I enjoy reading about the succesful marriages and respect the commentors’ passion, I find it kind of erie that in ten to twenty years most of them will be in the first category. I myself was in the second category after 5, 10, and 15 years and now after 20 am firmly in the first category. There just seems to be little one can do to stave off the effects of monotomy, mid-life crisis, and humankinds tendancy for selfishness and compulsion. I am not a pessimist. I loved my marriage and would not trade a day of it for anything. If I had any advice for those who believe in “till death do us part” it would be a strong faith in God and an inner circle of friends and aquaintences with the same belief. (for full disclodure my ex and I started with that and ended secular). Faith does not guarantee a succesful marriage, but lack of it almost always leads to eventual seperation.
My ex left for another man, but we have remained civil throughout, have kept the kids interests paramount and are very good friends and co-parents today. She could have taken me to the cleaners and possibly ruined me completely but did not and I have to give her credit for that. Although had I done anything wrong other than being “boring” such as addiction, abuse, adultury, I’m pretty sure she would have done everything to take me down.
I do not believe in marriage for myself (44 years old with 16/17 year old children). I have been able to find intimacy, physical pleasure and great friendships with women without any commitment. It’s not easy and takes some brutal honesty and letting people down, but it’s working as well or better than my committed life. It is true that marriage on the whole makes people happier – especially men (many empirical studies show this) but I believe it is largely because our society feeds the idea that happiness comes from monogomous relationships. In reality their are religious monks, priests, etc who have taken vows of abstinence or seclusion who have levels of happiness (measurable brainwave patterns and physical responses) much higher than normal. And inner happiness while more difficult to attain is much more reliable and durable. I do not know what advice I would give to my children. Probably just this – be true to God, live by the Golden Rule and understand that your relationship with your children IS forever, IS precious, and should never be soiled by difficulties between mom and dad.
