My Dad was destroyed by my mother’s desertion back in 1955. He died young from grief at not being permitted to see the children even when the court had ordered my mother to let him — the police simply refused to get involved. The injustice to men in family law is amazing.
I have a marriage I would not give up. And I am sure (having experiences that seem proof) that my wife would not give up either. And that is why I want to support the few who say it is all about commitment not “the right person”.
[Some who have said it is all about the right person, really mean "a person who will commit". But most people mean by "the right person" to point to character traits, compatibility, "hotness", wealth, and other illusions.]
Commitment means: divorce is not an option, ever, in any circumstances, ever. PERIOD
[There are circumstances, few and far between, not 50% or 75%, when separation is necessary. Divorce or taking up with someone else, however, is never necessary.]
Once you let yourself think divorce is an option, sooner or later that is the option you will choose. For marriage to last, you have to close the exits and paint them over.
Jenny has made the most powerful single post. Her succinct statement lays bare the foundation of “the right person” illusion.
OK. Now, my advice?
If you are willing to make an absolutely irrevocable commitment to live your life with someone who you are certain is capable of making the same to you, and you intend to have children together, then by marrying you will do the greatest thing you can ever possibly do with your life.
Marriage and child-rearing are the essential natural ends of us all.
There are things you can get out of marriage too, of course. And many of them are very precious… if you get the right person. But those things are not worth getting married for. And a marriage cannot last that depends on getting, nor on giving. Only absolute commitment can do that.
Also, such a commitment, when both know it is there, brings such a depth of joy and happiness that it is unspeakable.
ZSA
