This is a topic on which I have very mixed feelings.
I believe in marriage. I think it’s the best shot at lasting happiness for almost all men and women. I intend to encourage my children to get married, and I intend to see that they get first-rate advice on how to go about it.
I think the breakdown of marriage and family law is probably the strongest indictment that can be brought against the legacy of the 1960s.
On the other hand, my own marriage has become pretty miserable. It could be worse: We have never cheated on each other. She is reasonable about the finances (her income is a small fraction of mine.) She does a reasonable share of the housework. We are both committed to raising our children to be happy, good people.
However, she has not the least interest in any form of physical affection. We haven’t slept together in over five years (and it was very infrequent before then.) I can’t remember the last time she let me hold her hand or kiss her on the lips. The only time she’s told me she loves me in the last few years was when my longsuffering ran out and I threatened to leave. You will forgive me if I have some doubt that she was speaking sincerely.
I have tried to express affection in various ways. She will sometimes let me put an arm around her for a moment. Other times I get shrugged off or even shoved away. If I tell her I love her, she changes the subject. (I do still love her; I admire her talents and her commitment to the family, if not to me personally. I am her blind spot, admittedly a massive one.) I tried writing her a letter once expressing my concerns and the reply amounted to “With the kids, I don’t have time for that just now.”
I don’t doubt some here will find her despicable and me crazy for staying with her. Do remember that children are involved. Also, there are a couple of mitigating factors. She was sexually abused as a child, which she didn’t think was relevant when she married me, but I was sexually inexperienced when I married her and my clumsiness brought back the bad memories. The other mitigating factor is that I am borderline Aspberger’s. I am unusually well-adjusted to my disability, and it was not obvious to her when we married that I had significant gaps in my emotional and communications skills.
Given the choice to do it over, I think I’d decline. To say that marriage is for the great majority of people, as I did at the start of this post, is not to say that there is not a man here and there for whom it would be a mistake. I have no illusions I would be able to do any better with anyone else, nor do I have any illusions I would be very much happier choosing to be single the rest of my life, so I’m a bit frustrated with my decision set.
I suffer from some very uncomfortable chronic health problems that almost certainly arise from the stress of my situation. I am trying to work up the nerve to tell her in a kind but frank manner that if my sexual and emotional needs continue to be neglected, as they have been for many years now, I probably won’t last long enough to pay for the kid’s college. You can’t extract child support from someone who’s dead (though I wouldn’t put it past our courts to try.) But when I try to talk to her about “us” I become like the geeky biologist in The Gods Must Be Crazy. Only she isn’t amused. Generally as soon as the word “sex” comes up she lays a massive guilt trip on me.
My experience is far enough off the mean that I don’t know how much it will add to the discussion here. My apologies for that.
I plan to have someone whose marriage has been rather more successful be the one to give my children advice, when that time comes. I can only offer these thoughts, not based so much on personal experience:
1. From my observations of others, it appears that a good marriage is a lot of work but can be immensely rewarding.
2. Commitment seems more important than romantic love or almost any other consideration.
3. Picking the “right” person is overrated. It is essential that your partner be fully committed to the success of the marraige. Everything else can be worked out in time. People who believe that their marriage(s) failed because they had the “wrong” partner seem to be people who keep getting it wrong, marriage after marriage — suggesting strongly that that’s not the explanation.
4. Marriage is not all about sex, but sex is an essential ingredient for the vast majority of marriages. A person who uses sex as a weapon — including a woman who, without very good reason, withholds sex for a prolonged time — is desecrating a sacred gift.
5. Don’t get married if you are anywhere close to the autistic spectrum.
