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Your PJ Media Election FAQ

Frank J. Fleming answers all your election questions — even ones you didn't know you wanted to ask.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

September 26, 2012 - 12:00 am
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How in the world is that racist?

Think about it: Why would someone want an ID with a photo of you on it? So they could see by the photo what race you are.

I’m not sure you’re making any sense.

Fighting racism is so important that you can’t always worry about making sense. Anyway, another reason photo IDs are racist is that minorities have trouble getting photo IDs.

Why would minorities have a hard time getting photo IDs?

Because… um… minority stuff that you just wouldn’t understand, cracker.

Considering all the things one needs a photo ID for, such as writing a check, boarding an airplane, and even purchasing cold medicine, if people care about minorities, shouldn’t they focus on getting them photo IDs rather than blocking the requirement for having a photo ID to vote?

No, because… um…

This is pointless. This type of voter fraud never even happens anyway. It’s science fiction. I mean, someone going to the polls and pretending to be someone else is like some sort of space alien that changes shape — that’s just crazy.

To me it seems like a really easy way to commit voter fraud that should be prevented.

No, that’s crazy, and you’re crazy. The type of voter fraud I mentioned earlier is the kind where Dick Cheney and Diebold work together to reprogram voting machines, or like when the Republicans confused old people with a butterfly ballot.

I thought the butterfly ballot was made by a Democrat and that it was so simple that even children had no problem with it.

No, that’s… shut up. The point is, the 2000 presidential election was stolen.

I’ve heard Democrats assert that many times, but in a country where democracy is such a sacred value, if people honestly thought the 2000 presidential election was stolen, wouldn’t they have done more than whine about it for years on end?

It wasn’t whining! It was making a point over and over at a higher pitch so as to be heard!

The point is that Republicans are always trying to discourage people from voting, but we need to get as many people to the polls as possible.

Why? Isn’t it bad to have people who don’t follow politics voting?

No, that’s a silly thought. We want everyone to vote who can. I mean, we need to scrutinize overseas military ballots, but otherwise we need to open the floodgates and make it as easy as we can for everyone to vote. Rock the vote!

I don’t know. It seems like we should be suspicious of a political party that tries to get as many uninformed people to the polls as possible.

No, that’s… you’re racist.

Do you just accuse someone of racism any time you can’t come up with a logical response to a question?

What exactly is it about black people that you don’t like?

Look, voting has to be made easier. Right now, voting takes a marginal amount of effort, such as driving to a polling place or requesting a mail-in ballot ahead of time. This disenfranchises a special group of people in America: really, really lazy people. We need to eventually make elections more like internet polls — ones that pop up on Facebook or Twitter so people don’t have to look for them — so lazy people can all vote.

Why would we want lazy people to vote? Aren’t they just going to vote to have my stuff since they’re too lazy to get their own stuff?

That’s more racist thinking. You just want to keep minorities from voting.

I wasn’t talking about minorities; I was talking about lazy people.

Which I know you meant to be minorities.

Well, apparently when you heard “lazy people,” you thought of minorities, so you’re probably the racist.

No, I know I’m not racist. So when a racist idea pops into my head, that’s obviously what other people — people I know to be racist — are thinking.

I believe that’s called “projection.”

Stop using your racist mind tricks on me!

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Frank J. Fleming is the author of Punch Your Inner Hippie, coming November 11th, and the science fiction novel Superego, coming later this year, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, and blogs at IMAO.us, and also wants little Barry to wear a hat so he doesn't catch a cold.
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