Your PJ Media Election FAQ
We have a presidential election coming up, and elections can be strange and confusing. So I thought I’d put together an FAQ to answer everyone’s election questions.
ELECTION FAQ
When were elections first started?
Elections were first started in ancient Greece by people who had the idea to let a populace pick its leaders.
They’re all dead now.
Early on, these were called “lections,” but after the introduction of electronic voting, they became known as “eLections”.
Do all countries have elections?
Pretty much. Even dictatorships like to have pretend elections because they’re so darn fun!
In the U.S., do we have an election every year?
Sort of. Every four years we have a presidential election, which is a big deal, and everyone pays attention to it. On the even-numbered years between presidential elections, we have midterm elections, in which we vote on all the congressional representatives and about a third of the senators. This is a big deal to people who follow politics but isn’t followed nearly as closely by the population at large as a presidential election is. On odd-numbered years, we have off-year elections. These are mainly local elections, though some gubernatorial races occur in these elections. It’s sort of like how some cable shows run during the summer when the big networks are in reruns to help draw bigger audiences. It doesn’t work, though; no one cares about off-year elections. They’re stupid. Don’t vote in them.
Why do presidential elections use the Electoral College?
There’s a very specific reason for that. Instead of journalists having to spread out across the country to monitor the moods of voters, they can just focus on the few battleground states and ignore all the rest. Media-wise, it’s much more manageable.
Who can vote?
Anyone!
Don’t you need to be of a certain age and have a certain citizenship status?
Eh.
What do I need in order to vote?
You need a photo ID (not for voting but for buying booze afterwards), special voting gloves and hat, and the voting guide from your local union.
Unions are still a thing?
Yes!
How long does it take to count the votes?
Thanks to advanced exit polling, the results of an election can be known as soon as the polls close, but the votes can still be counted if we want to be pedantic about it.
What happens in case of a tie?
Then the winner is settled by a hot dog eating contest. That’s why you see Chris Christie get so excited when he’s in a close race.
What happens if–
Chris Christie is fat.
I got that. So what happens if the candidate I support isn’t elected?
Then you make loud accusations of fraud.
How can I be sure there was fraud?
Did you really, really want your candidate to be elected?
Then it was fraud.
What if he lost by a large margin?
Then that just means there was a lot of fraud, and you should scream about it even louder, like that massive amount of fraud that put the one true progressive, Alan Grayson, out of office in 2010.
Should we take extra measures to combat voter fraud, then? I thought I heard that you don’t even need a photo ID to vote.
No, requiring a photo ID is a stupid idea.
Why? It just seems like common sense.
No, it’s racist sense.
You have to also mention that there is a new intelligence requirement in some states (like New York and California) for identifying your party affiliation. If you can button your shirt, you’re a Republican. If you can’t button your shirt, you’re not only a Democrat, but the exact type of person the Obama administration consider’s its base. And those individuals may actually decide this election. God help us.
Aaaaaaaand…if you wear a T shirt, you’re automatically enrolled in the “2nd Term Cabinet Nominee Raffle” (c)
Reminds me of one of those youtube videos with the cartoon characters of a liberal and conservative having a conversation. Someone should make one with this script.
Seconded. Xtranormal. Anyone have an account? This could hit a pretty wide audience on YouTube, and it’s some great dialogue.
Thanks for the laughs. Judicial Watch investigations are indicating massive voter fraud likely this year.
http://www.judicialwatch.org/projects/2012-election-integrity-project/
– take a look at a new wrinkle.
Funny but risky piece considering a large segment of Obama’s supporters will likely take this very seriously. Then again, most of that segment will not likely be reading it.
Ya, most of that segment can likely not read.
There will be a pop-up version for Democrats.
I think the voting machines should be like the wack-a-mole game up at the arcade. To cast your vote you have to hit your candidates head before it goes back into it’s hole. If you lose then your vote goes to elect a robot with machine gun arms. A SCARY robot with glowing red eyes and steam that shots out of it ears. Not only would it make voting more challenging, interesting, and FUN; but it’d increase voter turn out as well!
Razor-sharp, as usual. And it would be screamingly funny if it weren’t so frighteningly prescient.
This reminds me of the fellow that went out in search of a Round Tuit. He found the Front Tuit and the Back Tuit but the Down Tuit evaded Him. The Top Tuit was evident but the Bottom Tuit was missing… After searching for what seemed like an Eternity Forit he decided there was no Serious Side Toit and went to bed.
Permit me to assist by properly ending the search:
http://www.quantumenterprises.co.uk/roundtuit/index.htm
… multiple scenarios are accommodated.
Cheers
You know, back when Saturday Night Live was actually funny, somewhere around ~15 years ago (well, other than a couple of guest appearances by Justin Timberlake); I could picture them doing this as a skit.
“What happens in case of a tie?
“Then the winner is settled by a hot dog eating contest.”
No, it’s really much simpler. They just recount the votes. And then, if necessary, re-recount. The re-re-recounting continues until the Democrat wins.
Brilliant! You can tell it’s brilliant satire because it is also believable. An unwitting democrat could stumble across this and end up looking like a bobble head doll reading it.
Fran J has distilled the Obama “thinking” down to its pungently offensive essence.