Why Do the Pirates Plunder Us?
So, for a change, let’s really look at pirates. You may just see how they are the victims in all of this. That may seem ridiculous to you. After all, aren’t they the ones taking hostages? But ransoming hostages is just how they make their living. Do you get angry at an IRS agent or a lawyer for just doing his job? The issue is why pirates find pillaging and plundering their only options.
It’s not going very far out on a limb to say that pirates suffer from low self-esteem. They often have inferior prosthetics, such as hooks and peg legs, and that alone makes them feel disconnected from “normal” people. Then there is the scurvy and the inevitable depression that comes with it. Throw in the addiction to rum, and it’s obvious to anyone that we have individuals in severe need of help. Just look at a pirate’s choice of a pet: the parrot. It’s an aloof animal that does nothing but repeat the pirate’s own words in a mocking tone. If that were not enough of a cry for help, there is also their habit of burying treasure. It’s like they don’t even feel they are worthy of the fruits of their plundering and murder and thus deny it for themselves.
Is it any wonder that our ignoring of the pirates’ pain has led to our current situation? With no help offered them, eventually these chickens were going to come home to roost in their crow’s nests. Yet we have the gall to act surprised when they attack us and try and seize our booty. And how do we ultimately respond? We send Navy Seals after them, giving them yet another humiliating defeat — much like they suffered at the hands of ninjas back in the day. For people who already have such poor opinions of themselves, you tell me whether that will help or hurt things in the end.
So what’s the real solution? Instead of harming the pirates, we need to learn to work with them. All they want is to take people hostage and get ransom money to feed their pirate families. This is money we can easily afford, so what is the problem? Hostage-taking does delay a shipping schedule, but that’s something we can easily work around. Maybe we can devise a system to instantly wire pirates the ransom money as soon as they board, allowing them to leave victorious and with little delay. That allows them to keep feeling like they are in control while minimizing the harm to us. We can also develop a program to teach pirates necessary 21st century skills that will help move them from piracy on the high seas to the more modern and less violent software piracy. Finally, we can start using “pirate” as a term of respect instead of mockery. That way, they can maybe see us not just as targets for plunder but perhaps also as friends.
If we really want to stop the problem of piracy, we need to help the pirates. That, or we could develop a special sniper bullet that would cause a person’s head to explode, because if a pirate saw his buddy’s head explode, he’d probably drop piracy right then and there. One or the other.
I agree, low self esteem is at the bottom of piracy, something an honorary degree from ASU would cure.
I think the pirates shoud have their own reality shows, “The Pirate Bachelor”, “Pirate or Golddigger?”, “Survivor: Pirates at Sea”, and “For the love of Pegleg”. They also need their own networks, “PNN: Pirates News Network” or “Foxy Pirate News: fair and balanced”, so they no longer have to be a victim of biased reporting. And I am outraged, outraged that Bill O’Reilly has not given equal time to the current superstars of the sea, oh the ones that are still living. Those darned SEALS, being all good at their jobs and everything, there goes the pirates’ self esteem. Again.
When I go to work today, I am going to ask why pirates are not a larger part of our diversity effort. With this clear oversight I am left to wonder, will our program every be truly successful? We have aimed too low, something the SEALS did not. [Ruh-ro, guess my bias is showing. GO NAVY!]
Nice try, however in the age of Obama the world is so upside down parody is no longer possible. 50% of readers will take you seriously.
This is the wittiest I’ve seen in a long time. Thanks for the giggle!
Don’t laugh. I am sure there is some left wing think tank somewhere working on a policy statement decrying the way society treats pirates. Low self esteem, issues with career choice, the humiliation, the public scorn and ways to help these disadvantaged people. I see a congressional hearing in the near future – maybe a class action lawsuit to boot. The mocking must stop. Pirates are people, too.
September 19 is talk like a pirate day and I want to warm up on some Winches in the room:
10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
1. Prepare to be boarded.
Obviously they are lacking a top notch ‘community organizer’! We now know what one of these guys can do.
I agree with Terry and Sandra. When I was reading this I pictured some of the talking heads reading this from the teleprompter. Very funny. thanks
I cannot believe I am offering to add anything to the brilliance of #5–I believe that is wenches, unless your comments are meant to be from one tool to another.
Maybe we can set up a way that the pirates can plunder a ship, get some booty without having to stop the ship and take hostages.
Perhaps we can have the cargo containers arranged like a maze on the deck with a loot box in the center. The pirates can just board, run around the maze, find the loot box, wave their cutlasses in the air then leave. The pirates are happy and rich and the crew gets to enjoy a good show (if it is around dinner time that would be awesome). It is a win/win situation.
Do you think some welfare checks and food stamps would help?
Perhaps this will put an end to the ridiculous “Pirate Unit” so beloved by elementary teachers.
#8; Leigh. OH! I see. At first I thought #5; fear Obama, was thinking about heating up lifting devices equipped with rope storage drums. But you cleared it up for me. And thanks for not pointing out barnacles normally attach themselves to keels, not so much rudders.
Avast there, ya lubbers. Look sharp, now. These be tricky waters.
Why don’t we consider the feelings of the cockroaches, while we are at it?
This article is an outrage! I cannot believe in this day and age we are still treating pirates like second class citizens. Next you’re going to start insulting Vikings. You people sicken me.
You just did a parody on European pirate
stereotypes. These pirates do no and have
not existed for a long time.
The pirates we are dealing with now are simply
following the tradition of taking booty from
the kaffirs. Plundering unbelievers is a
historically supported activity on land or sea.
In fact in calling them pirates you are showing
religious insensitivity. Perhaps interfaith
interaction is a better term but I am sure
some Obamese term will come up to better
describe it.
LOVED the last paragraph! Made the whole article worth reading.
This was a hilarious read.
Argh, me mateys there is a sniper bullet with me name on it. Double arghhhh!
#12, I am sure that #5 was thinking about the barnacles attached to the rudder of the pirate boat being towed by the Navy. These be tricky waters indeed!
The only problem with this satire, is that the left is beyond satire these days. i mean with Al Sharpton calling them “so-called pirates” its hard to call this even parody.
a style exercice can just make one smiles
but reality is more acerb
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article6100783.ece#cid=OTC-RSS&attr=797093
Are pirates included in the 47 million that don’t have health care? Because that would explain everything.
It’s a funny article, but I’m sure that someone, somewhere is writing the serious version. Remember in the late 1960s the idea that every American should receive a guaranteed income regardless of whether they work or not was supported by 1200+ leading economists including Galbraith, Tobin, and Samuelson.
19. A.W. wrote:
…with Al Sharpton calling them “so-called pirates”…
Peter writes: Please tell me you are joking. Please tell me this country has not really sunk that low.
IMAO can always be trusted to deliver hilarity
. Terry Gain:
Nice try, however in the age of Obama the world is so upside down parody is no longer possible. 50% of readers will take you seriously.
Terry, you’re right! Parody IS no longer possible.
Universities need to institute Pirate Studies programs immediately.
Speaking for the legal community, I resent the remark about lawyers being like pirates. I don’t deny it, I just resent it.
I’m okay with your slam against the pirate world, but why did you have to drag poor, defenseless birds into your humor? I am offended, in honor of my 2 year old Eclectus.
WHY??? Because we are liable to lie down and die so we won’t offend theie little pirate sensitivities. HEY STUPID!!! Treat these animals like the animals they ARE.Put them down like a rabid dog!(or am I being insensitive to the rabid dogs?….TOUGH)THE ONLY THING THESE SO AND SOS UNDERSTAND IS FORCE!Lets give it to them…IN SPADES!SINK THEM!!! Just like the old days, sink them and hang them from the yardarm PERIOD!
RE: Special Sniper Bullet = .50 cal does the job nicely.
Just remember the magic words: “Somali want a cracker?” Then, when they stick their heads up, give ‘em the SEAL treatment.
You sound alot like Boss Limbaugh – wave the white flag of surrender to the pirates! BOO HOO!!! Mean old Obama killed some teenagers. I suppose Limbaugh would just hand the ship over to the pirates. Cowards.
This guy makes the same arguements but he is serious.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/you-are-being-lied-to-abo_b_155147.html
Code Pink and Cindy Sheehan need something to make them feel relevant again, perhaps they can take up the pirate cause?
Sorry No. 5, I’m sure that image made your Roger less Jolly.
CHOMBO:
What in the seven seas are you talking about?
It’s about MONEY, dummies.
Maybe we could launch a midnight basketball program in Mogadishu?
No, better yet- launch Predators toward Mogadishu.
Nothing says “We Care” like a Hellfire missile impacting on their Boghammer.
(“Mother ships”, being of a higher status tonnage-wise, get Harpooned.)
cheers
eon
Jim Norvell, I’m glad you posted that link as it saved me the trouble of finding it. I figured Frank was using the pirate sympathy as a launching point for his hilarious lampoon.
FrankJ – “Put yourself in a pirate’s boots; what would you say if you looked upon American culture and its attitudes towards pirates? You’d probably say, “Arr!” or “Shiver me timbers!” because what else would there be to say?”
Dagnabbit, WHEN will I learn NOT to be taking a sip of soda or water when I read your stuff? When, I ask you? Shiver me timbers, you’re a walking spew alert!
why?
because they can..
when will they not?
when they can’t.
end of story.
who is this bozo?
gcbblues – do you understand satire?
if you seen this nutshow? waaaa waaaaa toxic waste waaaa waaaa we should dump more!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjreRSFNLTI
I wonder how long it will be until some hollywood slop maker will do a movie on these somalian pirates and tell it from their point of view? Dont put it past some lowlife reptile like OLIVER STONE or MICHEAL MOORE
Well, I vote for repeated application of 7.62x51mm Nato therapy.
Stephen
Hate to tell you this but much of NATO therapy comes in the smaller 5.56, though a smaller cap it is just as good a remedy. My doctor says use two for instant relief, something about it opens passages, cures headaches, and is good for what ales you.
This is funny and clever but so close to the actual leftist worldview it almost fails as parody, lol.
Well guys,
What we need to do is put shooters on the ships and don’t take prisoners. Blow them out of the water.
When the pirates back home notice that pirates are going out and none are coming back, they may think twice before going out.
And we need to do the same with Afghanistan and elsewhere. Since the interrogation rules have changed taking prisoners is pointless. They will be brought here, Holder will give them a big kiss, and some nut case judge will turn them loose or sentence them to 6 hours community service.
Will this line of thinking work for corporate pirates?
To GClarke
Oh, I do hope we get to find out someday.
Thanks again Frank J for making my day!
I am glad Frank is on Pajamasmedia now so more folks can spew their coffee thru their noses and all over the keyboard and monitor while reading Franks excellent opinion/facts.