Why Apologies Matter
Dear Belladonna Rogers,
Recently, someone who didn’t realize we’d once been close, introduced me to a former friend. Years ago, my former friend did something no friend should ever do, which is why we became ex-friends. When we were introduced, my ex-friend extended her hand but I withheld mine, which I’ve never done in my life.
To my surprise, a few days later I received a heartfelt letter of apology from my ex-friend expressing remorse for her dreadful behavior, which she outlined in the same detail that I too remembered, from many years ago. I responded immediately, forgiving her, and saying how rare it is to receive such an apology.
Why are apologies so rare? Do people believe that by not owning up to their errors and the harm they’ve caused that no one will be the wiser?
Puzzled in Peoria
Dear Puzzled,
Many see an apology as a sign of weakness, believing that only the weak apologize. Since ancient times, the vulnerable have depended on the strong. Slaves bowed and apologized to owners; serfs apologized to feudal lords; courtiers apologized to royalty; employees apologized to employers. The reverse was considered unthinkable.
This tradition is unfortunately still with us: for the powerless, apologies are mandatory; for the powerful, they’re unnecessary.
This shouldn’t exist in modern life but it does, partly because many behave as if they’re “Masters of the Universe,” in Tom Wolfe’s apt phrase from his 1987 novel The Bonfire of the Vanities.
When one friend hurts another, a caring friend apologizes at once. The Master or Mistress of the Universe doesn’t: it’s the difference between being empathic and being arrogant.
Some people have more trouble apologizing than others. As the gifted psychoanalyst Dr. Nancy McWilliams has written, narcissists have particular difficulty expressing remorse because to them it implies fallibility and personal error, admissions that are psychologically intolerable to such people.
Apologies can be difficult for everyone. An apology includes a clear statement of one’s error or offense, such as being disrespectful, underhanded, mean-spirited, deceitful, disloyal, unfair, hurtful, condescending, inconsiderate, insulting, heartless, cruel, abusive, as well as negligent, careless, feckless, and reckless.
Is it pleasant to acknowledge that you’ve been any of these? No. It takes self-awareness, backbone, and a strong desire to do right by another human being.
Apologies matter if you value a relationship.
If you imagine that by procrastinating or refusing to apologize you’ll evade responsibility forever and make the damage you produced vanish into thin air, you’re fooling only yourself. Your friends or family members may no longer mention the injury you caused, but that doesn’t mean a painful, unhealed wound doesn’t remain. It’s never too late to apologize, even decades after you inflicted harm. But, as Benjamin Franklin said, ”Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”
If you don’t know what you’ve done to hurt or alienate someone: ask. Don’t offer a vague, blanket apology “for anything I may have done” or peremptorily insist that the injured person “forget about this; it isn’t important.” These tactics show greater concern for yourself — and your need to “get past this unpleasantness” with transparently empty, unfeeling words — than for the person you’ve hurt.
A real, rather than a pro forma, apology also expresses genuine remorse.
What doesn’t constitute an apology is a one-word, “Sorry,” except for minimal inconveniences. For anything serious, “sorry” is a brush-off masquerading as an apology. If you seek to minimize the gravity of the harm you inflicted, then “sorry” will convey that. Like a shrug accompanied by “Whatever,” it expresses casual dismissal.
As is often noted, an apology is invalidated by the weaselly word “if” — as in, “I’m sorry if I did anything to offend you.” Nor should an apology blame the injured person for being hurt, as in, “I’m sorry you were upset.” Both forms of pseudo-apology fail to take responsibility for causing the other person’s distress and implicitly criticize the victim for his or her reasonable response to mistreatment.
It takes a mature and psychologically secure human being to offer a genuine apology. Far from being a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. An employer who apologizes for an unfair outburst to an employee will gain greater respect, not lose face.
It also takes a decent person to forgive. Indeed, there’s a moral imperative to forgive if you believe the apology is genuine, if you can forgive in good faith, and if the offense is, in fact, forgivable — which not all are.
You don’t have to stroll arm-in-arm into the mist with the person who’s apologized to you, although a genuine apology can be the beginning – or the continuation — of a beautiful friendship. If not, it will at least put an honorable end to a relationship, like a firm period instead of an emotionally irritating semi-colon.
– Belladonna Rogers
Do you have questions? Belladonna Rogers has answers. Send your questions or comments about politics, personal or cultural matters, or anything else that’s on your mind, and Belladonna will answer as many as possible. The names, geographic locations and email addresses of all advice-seekers will be kept confidential. Names and places and other personal information will be changed to protect the identity of the questioner. Send your questions or comments to: advice@pjmedia.com
All too often, we don’t even realise that we have hurt someone deeply in a way that blights that person’s life. A man may throw over a woman who loves him deeply, or a woman may do the like to a man who loves her deeply. One moves on, not really knowing or caring what the effects may be over a lifetime. In our time, it is easier to find people, to apologise. Such may make it possible for broken hearts to be mended and old friendships restored and renewed. We have little idea of how much healing can come about by heartfelt apology.
Apologies are great, forgiveness is greater. The big reason people won’t forgive is, they want the offending party, to suffer the just reward for their sin.
An apology is just an admission of guilt. There’s no reason for it at all; it can only harm you (and your family). The apology culture needs to be lined up against the wall and shot dead, no apologies.
you’ve missed the point or haven’t read the column. it isn’t about an apology culture at all. it’s about one-on-one relationships and how an apology can make a big difference there.
To apologize sincerely for a transgression, one must first admit to the transgression — that is, to its wrongness. Fewer people are capable of this than ever before in the history of Christendom. It’s especially rare in a business setting, in part because of the competitive aspects of that environment, and in part because many, many apologies are owed by supervisors to their subordinates.
I don’t really need to expound on that phenomenon, do I?
The real problem with business culture is the way that — when those at the top make a mistake causing the company to lose money — the first step is always to lay off lower-level employees to balance the budget. If businesses really were like a team, for example a professional sports team, the mistake-makers at the top would apologize and resign first. Then, after a new “coach” had been hired, lower-level workers could be fired or hired to set things right.
I agree. In a stand-up world, they would apologize and resign, if necessary, but it’ll be a cold day in Hades before it’ll happen. Japan is the only place I know of where it happens.
This shouldn’t stop at corporate America though. It should be the mantra of our elected officials in this country too. Good luck with that. Truth is the first casualty of politics.
I disagree with this type of argument
what a crock!
I’d be happy to hear what’s inaccurate about ZZZ’s post. I’m not anti-business by any stretch of the imagination, but ISN’T his scenario a common one in America?
I’ll be happy to tell you. A business doesn’t open it’s doors to give people jobs, it opens it’s doors to make money.Those doors were built and opened from the proprietors or investors money, not the employees.
The first thing a person does when opening a business is write a ‘Business Plan.
No ‘Business Plan, anywhere, ever, would state— “I’m starting a business to give people something to do, to provide jobs, to make a platform to empower people as employees and blame me for the nuts and bolts of their lives that seem so evasive.” That business would never get it’s doors open.
ZZZ (presumably sleeping) States:
“If businesses really were like a team, for example a professional sports team, the mistake-makers at the top would apologize and resign first.”
The answer I would give to that may require an apology. I will just say,
“If–if’s were fifths we could all get drunk…”
Corporate executives are supposedly responsible to the owners (stockholders), via the board of directors.
If the executives have done a poor job, in the past, the owners (stockholders) would toss out the bad executives and get somebody else to run the place. Now, stocks are predominantly owned by institutional investors; if the executives fail to produce profits, the owners don’t intervene to fix the problem – they just sell the stock.
If the boards were doing their job, executives responsible for causing the company to lose large amounts of money SHOULD be ousted, instead of letting them gut the company and juggle the books to make the company’s short-term results appear better than they actually are. Now, it seems that the only sure way to get rid of a bad executive team is to let the companies go down the tubes entirely. Too bad the grabbermint is so eager to subvert that process by bailing out failed companies.
What if, to apologize can be to simply express a wish for social relations or friendship–could that be?
On Sunday, my friend told how that, between himself and another worker on the job, there was ill-will, and how that, G0D spoke to him, telling him to go and make an apology. But he responded: “An’ I said: ‘Lawd, but I didn’t do nuthin’, she’s the one that, got mad at me.’”. Then he completed his story, telling how that, after stewing over the matter for the remainder of the day, the next morning, he walked over and made the apology, thinking it was done and that was that. But, then come afternoon: “She come an’ apologized for being how she was; an’ ever since then, goin’ t’work was a whole lot easier.”, and drawing his points that, “I need t’always show myself ready t’do whatever it takes t’make a friend. You can hate on me all you want, tryin’ t’get me to bring out my evil treasure, but eventually, you’re gonna get tired out and, if I keep showin’ you love, sooner or later, I’m gonna win over because G0D made love stronger than hate.”.
There’s nothing quite like the emotional release in the wake of a genuine apology, for both parties…
Genuine apology is a key precept in Judaism. The Jewish faith dictates that, before Yom Kippur, one must offer a genuine apology to all those one knows one has harmed, lest one not be inscribed in G-d’s Book of Life (and be granted a happy new year).
I’m not sure how many of my co-religionists follow this precept any more; speaking for myself only, I know that I have failed in this respect many times, and I feel the guilt accordingly. The burden of guilt seems to grow worse as I get older.
I have found a worthy guide to making a real apology at http://www.myjewishlearning.com/ask_the_expert/at/Ask_the_Expert-Forgiveness.shtml. It applies not just to Jews, but to everyone.
I try to do it every year. I learned it 20-odd years ago when I was dating the daughter of a Rabbi and thought it made eminent sense (of course, as a Jew, I think much of Judaism makes eminent sense).
In any case, whether Jew or not, it’s a no-loose ritual that can be done by anyone, and done at a time of the year before something new, like, say New Year’s Eve. I think even divorced from its religious bearings, it is a particularly wonderful custom and shows the person who is apologizing to be one who cares about those he apologizes to. And don’t think that, “but there’s nothing for me to apologize about.” as there are always little slights which may or not be remembered for which you should apologize. And even even if you acted with the delicacy of a saint, it is still an important and meaningful gesture. And if that isn’t obvious to you, see how (good) you feel if/when a friend asks you for forgiveness for “anything [he/she] may have done over the past year which may have hurt you — and for you to please tell [the friend] any specifics so that [he/she] can make a fuller apology.” Even if you can remember nothing (no sin, no action, nothing which hurt you or angered you in any way), the very fact that your friend is asking this of you, laying his defenses aside, will produce a warm glow in an of itself.
A true and valid apology, is a judgment against one’s own behavior.
It is actually a sign of strength. It is becoming a more rare feat of integrity and honor to accept: First, responsibility for the outcome of one’s actions. Second, knowledge that ignorance, pettiness or malice caused injury to another. Third, compassion, empathy, and contrition for having caused physical or emotional harm to someone without justification.
The elements, especially the last one mentioned, “without justification” means that watering down the self-judgment with excuses, alibis, or faux justifications after the fact, renders any “apology” null and void on its face.
Taking Obama, for a prime example…showing signs of malignant narcissism, his instincts are to automatically blame other people for each and every result of his behavior, conduct, acts, words or deeds that requires an apology.
On the other hand, his “faux” apologies…are merely thinly-veiled conceits or worse, “apologies” that are not SELF-judgments, but rather, judgments of OTHERS for whom he has no capacity, no permission, no stature to judge, nor replace their moral values with the very tainted ones he owns.
It is quite common to see in the same person, the blame-shifting instinct for EVERY negative outcome, also mirror this behavior by taking EVERY credit, where none was earned or where their achievements or role in the positive outcome are exaggerated …at times almost to the state of pure fantasy.
Lastly, …one can see in arguments made by Obama an underlying extremism. This is true for radical extremists of every type. When extremism becomes a pathology in and unto itself. Every opinion not marching in lockstep is an “enemy”, every resistance a war, every voice of reason…a target of derision.
For radical extremists, apology is impossible. Self-judgment is tied to the raging, frothing, foaming need to destroy anyone who dares to disagree. The ability to reason and the ability to recognize moral, ethical or value boundaries being crossed is obliterated by near pathological intensity.
Radical leftism, thereupon…becomes a disease of the mind and a destroyer of the soul. One’s inability to see, hear, feel, the erosion of reason, and loss of a moral/ethical/value governor on one’s behavior…makes self-judgment automatically default to “I’m right, I’m always right…everyone I know agrees with me”. That’s when you look around and fail to realize….you are in a cult.
so you don’t necessarily disagree that when some pompous jerk apologizes for something someone else supposedly did, they should be fired?
I completely agree with the sentiment that anyone who feels the need to go around apologizing for America, is not fit to lead her.
Hear hear! Bravo CF bleach. A great response! (now if I could only decode your moniker, I could address you more properly)!
“S/[soft-C]it [the] F*ck down in the bleachers”????
Otherwise perhaps, “Charles Frank Bleachers.”
Or some absurd footnote you once saw, “cf bleachers” — as in, See For example, “bleachers”
My 3 nutty guesses.
Centerfield
This column should be required reading for the entire world. There are so many nuggets in this essay.
What an impressive job.
The ability to forgive is a precious asset
Thank you Ms Rogers
Without an apology, the person we’ve offended is left wondering whether we understand that what we did is wrong, and whether we’ll do it again the next chance we get. A simple “I was wrong” works wonders to get you both back on track.
C.S. Lewis cautions us not to confuse forgiveness with pretending the wrong never occurred, or even pretending the person who lied to us, for instance, is not a habitual liar. Forgiveness is letting go of the desire for revenge. It may remain obvious to us that the offender is dangerous. But if the offender apologizes in a way to convince us that he really regrets what he did and is unlikely to do it again (especially with that painful memory to enforce his decision), then we may be able not only to let go of the desire to get our own back but also to move on into a renewed loving relationship. The first kind of forgiveness doesn’t require an apology; the second generally does.
Well, does the letter-writer wish to receive more apologies? Or has s/he taken a searching and fearless moral inventory, and gone on out to apologize to others, to extend the state of grace?
I did have a longer post that the computer ate, but I think that’s the gist of it: it’s terrific being on the receiving end of grace- but it’s hard work practicing grace towards another human being.
I think doing quite a bit of that would explain why apologies on the level s/he received are rare.
I hope that the LW is grateful to have been the recipient of an act of contrition, done willingly, and thoroughly. It’s not likely a gift they will receive in full again in their lifetime. It’s pretty special- both parties agreed on the particulars, and the apportioning of blame. That’s rarer than hen’s teeth.
It’s what keeps marriage counsellors in business. It’s also what makes a strong, happy marriage a wonder- acts of forgiveness have likely occurred, and outside parties might never know what they are- just that they like the results- like warm sunshine and tropical breezes.
** It’s what keeps marriage counsellors in business. **
No lie, no kiddin’, no foolin’. When my husband and I were dating and in what I thought was an exclusive ltr, he did me the ultimate relationship wrong by cheating. Long story short: he made up a pretend two week “business conference” and traveled overseas to do this, leaving. me to stop in every day to look after his elderly, ailing mom. (There were 2 E.R. visits during this time, as well) Within 4-5 days of his departure, he’d called her to say he was fine and in ____ (nowhere NEAR where the conference supposedly was, but VERY close to a woman “email pal”). His mom shared this with me during the next evening’s visit, and I immediately. crumpled. I knew at that point what was going on. It was bizarre behavior. on his part, to say the least. It wasn’t like him at all.
For the next year we still dated, after I got one of those non-apologies Belladonna talks about: “I’m sorry if you were hurt.” First, whaddya mean IF I was hurt, you nitwit! Wording an apology like this means the person takes no responsibility whatsoever for their actions, and if one is hurt, well, tough titty said the kitty, but the cow’s run dry. This is a good time to just suck it up and say a *sincere* apology. How about, “I’m sorry – what I did was wrong.”
Every instinct, every friend, every advice column told me, “Get out – now! Don’t walk, run!” I couldn’t and didn’t. It wasn’t easy, and it took a long time to put things to rights, but he was the man for me. I can’t explain it except to say that I felt (and really, he did as well) that we were each other’s best friends, and emotionally married already. What finally broke down that last little bit of wall was his REAL apology. We’ve been happy together since.
BUT (dontcha know there’s always a big ol’ one of those on the way?) those that say, “forgive & forget” are asking for those already wronged to ignore other bad behavior. that might be leading to a repetition or escalation of the orig. problem. One can’t ever forget something that scarred that badly. Not that one’s necessarily on the hunt and on minute-to-minute lookout, but at some level there will always be a haunting feeling if there seems to be a drift to old ways. So if you do apologize, for heaven’s sake MEAN IT, and LEARN from it. And do NOT do it ever again!
Being forgiven is also a good feeling. It makes it so much easier to let go of negative thoughts and feelings. It makes if easier to forgive others.
As long as the person one is apologizing to is of the same culture and amenable to civilized behaviour I suppose it’s ok, but don’t try projecting one’s thinking onto a person of an honour/shame culture; that could lead to future problems.
I suspect a verbal apology would be seen as an insult and/or a way of trying to weasel out of a real apology. In such societies there are whole codes involving the amount of physical goods which must be transferred to make up for a transgression against another. A real apology in their case means real goods.
Only in Judaism (and subsequently Christianity) are words considered to have power and hence that verbal apologies are valuable.
Cynic, today’s column was intended to address those living in Judeo-Christian societies and not in an honor-shame culture. As others have noted in their comments, my effort was to focus on apologies within personal relationships rather than professional ones.
Cynic makes a fair point, though. We are far more likely to come across unapologetically non Judeo-Christian attitudes in fellow citizens these days; one of the many “blessings” of multiculturalism.
Indeed, Brett.
Sorry this is a bit late for the continued debate.
Maybe the US is still not an honour-shame culture but undoubtedly those with Judeo-Christian roots are going to come across an increasing number of those whose upbringing insists on zero-sum games where please and thank you are taken as submission and where admission of error is, G0d forbid, unthinkable.
As I meant, where the people involved accept honest and sincere penance for a wrong a peaceful resolution of a problem is possible, but where they are talking at cross purposes one of the parties is going to be fooled.
And where I say fooled it can be as harrowing as putting up with the “school bully” everyday.
If one is the wronged party, trying to get an apology can be dangerous.
Apologies matter but only where the people involved accept them as a daily part of the social contract.
Once upon a time in Britain it was honourable to own up for one’s mistakes or indiscretions but not so now in the multicultural world where one becomes the clown.It was therapeutic to admit one’s sins, in church for example, but now there are fewer and fewer churches for expiation of the soul.
Another problem in our litigious society is that sometimes an apology is tantamount to an admission of guilt, and therefore can be costly…
This column concerns personal relations, not part of a buisness. It doesn’t pretend to be advice for physicians. It’s advice for individuals in their private lives with their family and friends. It’s very good advice. I agree with jtmckee when he says it should be required reading for the world.
Well done again, Ms. Rogers, and quite substantive. I once heard an idea about dealing with someone who doesn’t want to hear your apology and who refuses to forgive you. Call and say “Listen, I was crazy, simply out of my mind, please, forgive me…”(here you have to elaborate a little about your circumstances at the time.)It may sound strange, but I’ve seen this work, especially with family members who will be likely to accept a telephone call from you. I know someone who had a falling out with a friend, and it worked like a charm. It turns out that many people are understanding of this approach because they’ve also have had moments of irrationality.
I often apologize even when I think I might have done something that annoyed someone or rubbed them the wrong way. I know that there are two times when I am very short tempered: When I am short on sleep, or very hungry.
Being able to apologize for even small things indicates a few things about a person. The first is that you are very secure and not thin skinned. The second is that you do not take yourself too seriously, and the third, is that you value your friends and their friendship.
I was defensive enough when I was much younger, that apologies were hard for me because I had perfectionist tendencies and thought wrongly, that I was the only one that ever made mistakes.
Many minor forms of apology are really just good manners, or don’t you people ever say “excuse me” when you are in someone’s way in the grocery store?
I have a friend who is rapidly becoming an x friend because of an inability to apologize for anything. His manners are perfect in restaurants, and with strangers, but he seems incapable of realizing that maintaining friendships requires a higher level of care and manners than people you do business with.
To all the nuns that had to put up with me;
I’m sorry I won’t live long enough to fix all the errors I’ve made.
Just in case; What penance do you suggest?
Now I can get back to flogging my gestalt.
Agree, it is so very rare to receive a genuine apology. Apologies/forgiveness have fallen prey to Oprahfication along with so much of what springs from Judeo-Christian morality, and “forgiveness” is now something you do for your_self_ and to showcase your superiority. Apologies are no longer the result of self-examination but are now too often about making a grand gesture, usually public, and always meant to place yourself above the other person. Actually apologies now seem to go something like “I forgive you for being unjustifiably offended by my justifiable bad behavior”. It’s all about the art of the non-apology apology as means of self-promotion. We are definitely morphing into a society of narcissists, more’s the pity.
Well, it occurs to me- they can be terrifying for another reason: what if the person the apology is directed to then uses that admission of guilt as a hanging gallows: “If you loved me, then…… You owe me b/c ……..”
I know some people who have behaved truly atrociously in the past. They have literally never said “I’m sorry” or even admitted they had behaved in such a fashion. But-they also write big checks at Christmas. At least two of the relatives say, “Well, of course they do- they owe me.” That’s long-term blackmail.
Others have not said ” I forgive you” – there hasn’t been an explicit apology- but prefer to act as if an apology has been given- trying to stay in relationship, despite getting verbally spanked every so often by the “you owe me” crowd sure seems like they want forgiveness….
but mentioning the behavior brings on terrible, deep blushes and spluttering. It’s as if they can’t imagine that people can say ” you did this, it’s over, and it happened- but you are still in relationship.” they think what they did was so bad that the penalty ought to be being cut off entirely. that hasn’t happened, and they don’t know why- their best guess is that everyone forgets, or their lies stand- not that they live in grace, more or less-from others.
and, well, refusing the big check panics them- they think they’ve bought relationship- not, they are in relationship, and don’t need to write checks. they can just show up and eat birthday cake like everyone else.
it’s tricky, and forgiveness takes bandaids off- who knows what sort of thing is under the bandaid?
also, a forgiveness- one has to have changed perspective to realize that one was wrong before. Nobody feels guilty for a meteor falling out of the sky. They feel guilty for their culpable actions. Some beliefs and behaviors have damaging aspects. If you believe them, you just think- cost of breathing- not “I have chosen the wrong path and harmed another as well as myself.” Changing like that is really, really rare. I think Mr Simon, who owns this website, is a very unusual man. He’s changed professionally. He’s changed personally. And he’s done it in public.
Big transgressions that require an apology also require careful timing. When the emotions are very raw it is best to allow a natural cooling off period before addressing the issue at hand. Apologies seem most effective when they are direct and sincere.
I have learned that at work a prompt “I’m sorry, I made a mistake (etc.)” works the best and greatly diminishes the effects of the mistake.
I have also noticed that people who are always “victims” never apologize, no matter how obvious the transgression. It always becomes someone else’s fault.
An excellent column – in today’s world where so few take responsibility for their own behavior, receiving a sincere apology is truly rare.
I think that the Mayor of this Quebec town should read the column once an hour for the next 500 years – http://thechronicleherald.ca/canada/56487-quebec-mayor-defends-views-israel
136674 286651Some genuinely good and valuable information on this site , besides I feel the style contains great capabilities. 704390