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When Taxes Attack, Make Sure Your Gun Is Loaded

Some handy tips on how to fight increasing revenues.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

March 27, 2009 - 12:00 am

Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota caused a little controversy by saying we should all be “armed and dangerous” on the issue of energy taxes. Some thought that was silly because you can’t actually physically fight against taxes, right?

Poppycock! I’ve never met a problem that couldn’t be solved by proper firearm usage, and taxes are certainly no exception. If you don’t believe me, just take a look at California. It’s one of the most difficult states for a law-abiding citizen who wants to own a gun. It also has some of the worst taxes. In fact, taxes have swarmed the entire state and rendered it nearly uninhabitable by human beings; they writhe on it like maggots on a corpse. And if you look over the rest of the country, you’ll notice that the other states with the strictest gun control also have the highest taxes. The only rational conclusion is that taxes can be fought off with guns.

The power to tax is the power to destroy, and make no mistake — Barack Obama intends to destroy us all! To go along with all of his unprecedented spending, he will soon unleash the taxes upon us, and they will swarm us, much like those bugs from Starship Troopers, destroying everything in their path without thought or compassion; they’re like piranhas without the self-control. No amount of pleading for your financial life or your family’s welfare will stop them, and no structure can ever be built strong enough to protect you from taxes. The only way to stop it is to fight back. So go ahead and grab you gun — which you should have, as an American. If you don’t have a gun, check to make sure you’re not actually in Europe. If you are, then it’s too late for you; the taxes will soon consume you, so make peace with your gods. For all others, here are tips for fighting back against taxes:

  • Make sure to choose an effective firearm. When it comes to taxes, there is no such thing as overkill, so use whatever is most powerful. Personally, I prefer a .375 magnum rifle which I call “The Deduction.” It can shoot through five taxes at once!
  • When taxes attack, make sure to secure your home and place of business. Lock all doors and windows, and use duct tape to seal your doors. Taxes are notorious for using any opening and fitting into any space they can.
  • Taxes are quite sneaky, so be most wary of the taxes you don’t see. To keep hidden taxes from surprising you, set up traps around your building and use careful accounting.
  • Surprisingly, taxes actually have human allies, so be wary of anyone trying to get into your home to hide from taxes, as he might actually be a socialist and on the taxes’ side! So if someone knocks at your door, don’t let him in without first verifying he’s not a socialist by asking him a question only a capitalist would know the answer to, such as “Who is John Galt?” Also, even though it has nothing to do with taxes, before you open the door, make sure he’s not a landshark.
  • When shooting taxes, make all your bullets count. Make sure it’s a tax and not some sort of fine or fee before taking the shot. If you waste ammo, you’ll have to go the store to buy more, and taxes could easily ambush you there.
  • Never ever show taxes any mercy. No matter how much they plead that they are only trying to help the poor or save the environment, it’s always a trick. Always. They know nothing but destruction, so shoot them, and laugh a hearty laugh as they die.
  • No matter what, never cede ground to taxes. Never. Stand and fight and do not retreat. When taxes have seized new ground, it’s almost impossible to push them back again. If they swarm your hometown or even overtake family members, leave them. They’re gone; they’re the government’s now.
  • Finally, keep all your money in a safe connected to a thermite charge. Then, if all seems lost, you can easily destroy all your money before the taxes get to it. It may be the end for you, but at least you won’t be feeding the beast so it can destroy others.

Follow these tips, and you can fight back against taxes — or at least die with honor. While others will just sit there and wait for the taxes to consume them like lambs to the slaughter, you’ll have your shotgun ready and not give up your money without a fight. Sure, some will laugh at you and call you a “nut” or a “kook” or “incapable of understanding basic concepts,” but who will be laughing when the taxes tear the flesh from their bones and then hit them with a “being a skeleton” tax? That’s what happens when you submit to a tax without a fight.

Frank J. Fleming is the author of Punch Your Inner Hippie, coming November 11th, and the science fiction novel Superego, coming later this year, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, and blogs at IMAO.us, and also wants little Barry to wear a hat so he doesn't catch a cold.
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