Now imagine if we could bring such apathy to Washington. You know how on the deeply contentious issues there are always a few percent of people who answer “I don’t know” when polled? What if we elected them congressmen? Then when a controversial new bill is introduced, they won’t launch into that heated rhetoric we all hate and will instead just say, “Whatever,” and go back to watching daytime TV.
And I know some of you doubt that people can successfully be apathetic about all these big issues. Again I remind you that you’re thinking this through, which is counterproductive to apathy. Look at all the atrocities people have committed against their fellow man throughout history without a second thought. It’s obviously possible to remain apathetic about really big things, so apathy toward the big political issue of the day should be easy.
So that’s it. We can finally end all this awful partisanship and heated rhetoric if we just stop caring. Caring about what happens to this country is what led to all these arguments in the first place, and I think we can all agree that no issue we face is worth a bunch of yelling. Freedom, human rights, the national debt — these are all just big noisy yelling matches waiting to happen unless we’re finally willing to look upon the big issues of the day, shrug, and go play video games. I dream of a day where no one pays attention to anything Washington does — including the politicians in Washington — and thus no one ever gets worked up by whatever Washington does again.
But wait, I just realized something: We don’t need both sides to be apathetic — just one of the two opposing sides. That’s an even better idea: I keep caring about my issues, but the other side stops caring so much and trying to stop me. That way, there will be no arguing, but I still get all the stuff done that I want. This is genius. So why don’t all those people complaining about the partisan bickering volunteer to stop caring about their issues for the good of the country?
Oh, the people complaining so much were hoping all along that I would stop caring so much about my issues so we could stop the all the heated rhetoric. I sense an argument coming on.