What if China Bailed Out America?
During the recent meeting with President Obama, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao minced no words when he stated that “immediate action is necessary to keep a once prosperous nation” from falling flat on its face.
“If the U.S.economy collapses, so will China because we are so heavily invested in your country,” said Wen Jiabao. “We thought we were investing in a nation of the world’s greatest entrepreneurs, but a recent analysis shows that America has become little more than a home to overpaid union workers, whiney media, and spoiled welfare recipients. Our fears were confirmed last year when Americans elected you, Mr. Obama, as their president. But, to use one of your own expressions, America is too big to fail and so we will have to bail you out. This is no longer your decision. As your biggest creditor, we will now decide how to get the best return on our investment. You got elected on a vague promise of change; now we’re giving you the specifics.”
Mr. Obama was then given the following list of changes designed to fix America:
- Replace all regulatory czars with one mandarin of deregulation.
- Build the Great Wall on the Mexican border; it will employ at least 10 million people.
- Send 4.5 million troops to Afghanistan with a two-week victory plan.
- Crush the pesky Islamic extremists with a single wave of soldiers from Pakistan to Morocco. There will be no detainees. All suspects will be executed on the spot.
- Unilaterally institute a pro-American foreign policy. Make your national self-interest a priority, for crying out loud.
- Cancel all foreign aid. Retrain ACORN employees as small business instructors and ship them to third world countries with one-way tickets. Let them earn their keep by promoting the private sector and developing consumer markets for American products.
- Sell off Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac to the highest bidder with a special “buy one, get one free” incentive. Eliminate subprime mortgage programs.
- Begin immediate drilling for oil in ANWR, complete with a caribou meatpacking plant to feed the arriving workers.
- Disband EPA. Drop restrictions on energy and coal mining. If you want cleaner air, build nuclear plants.
- Remove “endangered species protections” from animals and give them to producers of American wealth.
- China will take title to all national parks and develop them into industrial and housing projects. Grizzly bears make tasty char siu and pandas attract more paying visitors anyway.
Nice satire, at least I hope it is.
OLEG! SO WELL DONE!
This is the kind of program that will work.
Bring it on!
What if China bailed out America? Seems to me like that’s what they have been doing for the last 15 years! Maybe they see that their investments may never be repaid because the devaluation of the dollar and inflation will make them worthless.
Don’t forget to require all American students to learn Chinese so that they can understand their new managers and Ceos; this could easily be done without raising costs, just abolish the thousands of self esteem and multiculture courses that produce nothing but hot air.
I would laugh at this wonder of satire, like I did global warming, if I were not so afraid that it would enter into some political playbook, and become true.
I’m a fan of Ayn Rand and Milton Friedman and I understand that this is satire, but I also understand that you personally agree with some if not most of what you wrote. Isn’t a “strict motion picture production code” a little too extreme? As a former citizen of the Soviet Union you should know better then to even joke about things like “Castro’s network of political prisons to house opponents of this recovery plan”. You can’t have true economic prosperity without the ability to express yourself freely. I doubt Ayn Rand and Milton Friedman would ever condone those things because it is government infringement upon individual liberty. Statements along these lines are the reason why Conservatives are viewed as such extremists in the MSM. I hope it was just satire but if it isn’t, I think a little inward examination is necessary on your part because you are not espousing libertarian viewpoints, you’re promoting authoritarian capitalism.
#6, If you think a former citizen of hte Soviet Union wouldn’t joke about political prisons you’ve never read a collection of soviet jokes.
Yes, this is satire, but the kernel of truth in it is that it will take something as radical, as drastic, as catastrophic as this to wrench America out of the hands of the socialists, statists and self-serving b$!#@rds and back on track as the great nation our forefathers created more than 200 years ago!
Those of us who believe in this great nation and are working to save it are merely shouting into the gale! We are still losing ground with every election, even when we win!
Even if this is satire, a lot of it could very well happen. Think about it. It would still be Socialism.
6. The way I take it, this is a representation of what we would expect the Chinese to actually say. No one ever said everything on the list is a good idea.
Um, some funny, some scary. Hayek would certainly not approve.
The US dollar deficit is backed by Middle Eastern Oil and China selling Ipods on credit, its surprised London when oil stopped being priced by the Pound and that only happened because it was more convenient to sell in Dollars.
#8 from the other side you could notice that the “Founding Fathers” were a group of religious fundamentalists who didn’t want to pay the taxes needed to repay the debts of fighting a war against the French and keep North America free from the grip of the tyrant King Louis of France and then the probable rule by the dictator Napoleon.
Bet the average Canadian is happier then the Average US citizen
Oh and Socialism isn’t Communism, thats just what Communists want you to think.
12. I’m Right:
no you are not !
Oh Yes i am!
Whilst slapping thigh and saying “Behind You”!
My father believes that knowledge is better than money
since if you have knowledge and understand science and able to analyzed and organized yourself you can organized billion people
the reason China is growing since they based to have better education organized people thow now give like investment and asset to china while US education is drop down and all war caused less pay attention to mind and more attention to money and other peopel involment caused US down
that is life some time you are up and some time you are down but you should know what cause other grow and you owe them
like now US owed china because we can say chinesse Act smarter now
I think this might actually WORK!
The average canadian is most assuredly not more happy than the average citizen of the USA, just more ignorantly smug thanks to propaganda blanket of state msm and in-cahoots dead tree media.
…. lol…. satire ?…. or actually a “real to-do list” for “change” !! I’ve always said “that if you borrow money from a communist country, you run the risk of becoming a communist country”, once they no longer want to be the backer of the USA’s debt…. they will impose control over us…. China will become our new rulers…. now how’s that for “change” !! Welcome comrades…. to the new “USSA of Taipei” !!
…. how’s that for a real dream sequence…. Oh yeh, that could never happen here…. Oh really ?? …. Just “Imagine” !!
Re: Chinese Bailout Rules. Omigod – you are the best. You have that Socratic way of stating things in a clear yet incisive manner. You must really be a TEAM of people, since no once person’s brain can work that well.
Thanks.
#6: “inward examination is necessary on your part” – Well said comrade, we could set up reeducation camps.