That means we need some creative solutions to raise some dough. So what is America good at? Well, we’re pretty good at invading countries. Or at least we’re getting better at it. Maybe there are some countries that aren’t strategic for us to invade but that would be worth something to another nation. For instance, I don’t think a lot of countries like Belgium. Maybe it would be worth a lot of money to another nation if we invaded them and installed a government less Belgianian. Or maybe people are okay with Belgium and don’t like Finland. We could totally crush Finland for them. Whatever the customer wants.
Also, with fewer people going to the movies and cheaper reality TV replacing scripted shows, we have a lot of spare celebrities these days. I think we have more than we can afford to take care of right now; we might have to put some down. The thing is, though, other countries really like our celebrities. Maybe we could sell them our celebrities as long as they promise to take good care of them and groom them and have people give them walks every day. Or even if they aren’t going to take good care of them — what do we care? Just think of how much Germany would pay us for David Hasselhoff.
Furthermore, you know how Iran and North Korea are trying to get nuclear weapons? Let’s face reality. The Obama administration is not going to do anything about that. So if we accept the fact that Iran and North Korea are going to get nukes, we might as well make some money off of it. Let’s sell them some of ours. Right now, America has enough nuclear weapons to nuke everyone in the world more than five times, but strategically we never need to nuke everyone in the whole world more than two times. Thus we might as well sell some of the excess. Yes, maybe other countries will get in on this deal, but we have an advantage: We’re the only country that’s nuked another. That means people know our nukes work. That’s worth a premium.
If none of this works, though, there is one final plan — and it also involves nukes again because they’re so useful. What we do is send out a broadcast to the world that we just can’t take it anymore — that a broke country is a country not worth existing. Then we totally nuke ourselves.
We’ll hit ourselves with nukes all over (don’t forget Hawaii and Alaska). Then all the other countries will cry over the tragedy and kick themselves for not being nicer to America. But the thing is, we’re careful to only nuke ourselves in non-vital areas. We actually fake our death. And guess what: America is insured with Lloyd’s of London for ten trillion dollars. We have America’s widow collect the money, and then we all secretly relocate to the moon. One more thing: we tell Obama we’re relocating to Mars. Yeah, it will be pretty sad with Obama all alone on Mars asking, “Where is everybody? Don’t they need someone to lead them? Hello?” But politics is a harsh business.