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Toys R Our Politicians

If Mitt Romney is like an Etch A Sketch, what toy is Rick Santorum like?

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

March 28, 2012 - 12:00 am
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Ron Paul is like Dungeons & Dragons. It’s this game a few people are highly devoted to and spend all their time playing, while most other people look at them as a bunch of weirdos.

As for the candidates who have dropped out, Rick Perry would be a Red Ryder BB Gun. What a cool, awesome toy that you’re super excited for — you just have to be really careful, or you’ll shoot your eye out.

His campaign was not careful.

Michele Bachmann makes me think of that cymbal-banging monkey toy, which seems kind of neat but eventually creeps you out with its weird crazy eyes.

Herman Cain is like Silly String. Lots of zany fun, but can explode near open flame.

Jon Huntsman is Chinese Checkers.

Tim Pawlenty is a simple rubber ball. Everyone has one and plays with one, but it’s completely unremarkable.

And the primary itself has been like Monopoly, or at least as I played it as a kid, never having read the actual rules. We’d keep throwing tons of money in the middle of the board, which you’d win by landing on Free Parking. This made the game go on forever. It would start out fun, but it would just never end and eventually everyone would just get bored and quit… which unfortunately isn’t an option with the Republican primary.

And Hungry Hungry Hippos has been in the news lately, since they just made this big blockbuster movie based on it, The Hunger Games, and that game reminds me a lot of Congress. Just think of our tax dollars as white marbles and Congress as a bunch of hippos competing to gobble them all up. Of course, in the actual game, the game is over when the marbles run out. But in Congress, they just raise their marble ceiling and keep gobbling away. And you’re the one who has to go buy them more marbles. Actually, you buy them on credit, which your children or your children’s children will have to repay. And that will affect the amount of marbles you were counting on having for retirement

Okay, I might be straining that metaphor a bit.

Finally, there’s Barack Obama, and I think we’ve all had a toy like him. One we were super excited for and dying to have and about which we screamed, “Mommy, you have to get it for me! You have to! You’re racist if you don’t buy that toy for me!” And then when we finally got it — it was just boring and pointless and stupid. For me, that was X-Ray Specs. There were ads in all the kids’ magazines for them, and they promised to give you x-ray vision! I sent away for them and was so happy to finally get a pair… only to find out that they merely distorted your vision a bit so your fingers looked thinner and darker and a little like bone. They weren’t even mildly fun. They were completely useless and pointless. I guess if I’d thought for a moment before sending away for them, I would have realized there was no way they could deliver on that promise. I guess I was too caught up in the excitement to think clearly. So that’s what Barack Obama is: a couple trillion dollar pair of X-Ray Specs. Great toy choice, America!

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Frank J. Fleming is the author of books such as "Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything," wrote the short story "Who Murdered the Dinosaurs?" at Liberty Island, writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, blogs at IMAO.us, and is a scientist (prove he's not).
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