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Those Who Forget History Are Doomed to Have Their Junk Squeezed

When "progressive" ideas smack into national security.

by
Oleg Atbashian

Bio

December 11, 2010 - 11:37 am
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Are you enamored with the size and curvatures of our big, loving government? Do you yearn for a quick and easy romantic bonding? Try screening procedures at your local airport. You’ll establish an intimate bond for life. Critics may call it a “junk bond,” but that’s true only according to their old-fashioned value system with its absolute standards — an absurdity in the era of relative Keynesian morals and redistributive justice.

In the eyes of the big, loving government you are a “junk asset” in need of security and equal protection. In practical terms this translates to an equal redistribution of pat-downs, as well as massive participation in the making of completely unbiased naked videos regardless of age, gender, body type, or membership in a certain murderous cult you may or may not belong to.

That’s what happens when you subscribe to the principle to each according to his need without reading the fine print: the government gets to define your needs for you. As a result, even those who didn’t vote for this administration are getting their junk squeezed. It’s called redistributive justice.

For this particular purpose, the government has an arm called the Transportation Security Administration, or TSA. It has been put in control of the airports, to which it lovingly refers to as “junk yards,” operating under the slogan “if everyone is a suspect then no one is a suspect.”

The objective of redistributive justice at the airport is to make homicidal jihadist maniacs feel as uncomfortable about wanting to blow up the place as their fellow passengers who may not have entertained such thoughts previously. An equal redistribution of guilt presumes an equal redistribution of criminal intent. That makes equal treatment of all passengers as terror suspects a fair practice.

As an added bonus, universal pat-downs promote an equal redistribution of venereal and other infectious diseases when the TSA agents don’t change their gloves. So when Barack Obama promised to spread the wealth around from the bottom up, he meant it literally. Someone should tell the government to make it the official motto of the TSA.

My friend Rocco, on the other hand, believes in old-fashioned standards. That means he also prefers the old-fashioned profiling. A man of Sicilian ancestry, he is easily mistaken for a Middle Easterner. By his own admission, he used to be singled out for security screenings more often than others, but it only made him feel safer because he knew the system was working. That was in the pre-TSA days. He has since signed up as a building contractor in Iraq and feels safer being mistaken for an Arab.

Five years ago, all passengers on New York subways were subjected to “unbiased” random bag searches in the name of equal redistribution of homicidal intentions. The People’s Cube responded to that with an editorial which equally applied the same “unbiased randomness” to all other activities by the city agencies and officials. Thus, the Fire Department would randomly douse one house per neighborhood per week, inevitably soaking a real fire every so often. The Sanitation Department would remove random objects from people’s driveways — a garbage bag, a car, and sometimes a random family member. City hospitals would perform random heart surgeries and treat patients for random diseases without bias towards their actual malady. And Mayor Bloomberg himself would invest his money randomly, by spinning the wheel at Atlantic City to see what he should do with his billions.

After a few short months even the progressive New Yorkers found the practical implementation of their own ideas of fairness and redistributive justice too absurd to continue. Fast forward five years. Our big, loving federal government picked up the same concept — only now it upgraded it from “random” to “universal — or as they say in New York, “the whole schmear.”

The loving government also got an upgrade, adding the letter “g” before “loving.” Well, hello, junkies!

One wonders, if universal strip searches are such a great idea, why doesn’t the government also abandon common sense and objective standards in all those other departments? Come to think of it, redistributive justice is still largely neglected in fire prevention. Why isn’t equal house-to-house soaking considered a good way to fight fires? Neither does the FDA require all Americans to take equal doses of Thorazine to prevent individual psychosis. And the government-run Fanny Mae doesn’t engage in an equal redistribution of subprime loans … No, wait, scratch that. Rather, if Janet Napolitano’s personal broker decides to invest equally in all stocks regardless of their performance, she will most definitely sue him for the losses and take her money elsewhere.

How come government officials who otherwise rely on old sensible standards are quick to abandon them in the matters of our life and death? Those of us who still want to live need to know. From where we are getting groped at the security checkpoint, it looks as if the government’s main concern is not protecting our lives, but something entirely different.

A few years back America used “Shock and Awe” to subdue Iraq. Today, it seems, America is itself being subdued with a subtler, gentler version of “Shock and Awe” at its own airports.

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