This Article Is Guaranteed Not to Incite Violence
NOTE: People have become pretty aware of harsh rhetoric lately after the shooting in Tucson. Yes, that had nothing to do with rhetoric, but it’s hard to go into long partisan diatribes about random crazy people, so “harsh rhetoric” is an easier meme to seize. Also, there are tens of millions of armed, angry conservatives out there; they didn’t kill anyone last year or the year before, but we just know — KNOW — that one of these days, Sarah Palin will put a secret message in something she says and cause them to break out in an orgy of violence.
Keeping this in mind, I’m going to try to write this column very carefully to make sure that no one could possibly interpret it as a call to violence or hate. Columns can be very dangerous; do you know how many murders Paul Krugman’s columns are responsible for? One hundred and forty-seven. Yeah, I know; that’s fewer than I would have guessed, but the number is about eight times bigger if you include people who committed suicide while reading him.
Anyway, here is my political column guaranteed to not incite anyone to violence:
I think the health care law the Democrats passed is a bad law. Before I go any further, I just want to make it clear that I don’t think they were trying to hurt the country by intentionally passing a bad law. They thought it was a good law when they passed it and were trying to help the country. And I’m not saying they’re deranged in thinking that a bad law was good and therefore need to be locked up; they just had a different opinion.
I believe that the best option going forward is to repeal that law. And that “repeal” isn’t some dog-whistle codeword urging some violent action; I mean only that it should be repealed through normal legislative means. The reasons I think it should be repealed are many. For one, despite White House claims to the contrary, it will be extremely costly and add to the debt, which is like stealing from our children.
I said like stealing! It’s not actual stealing. Don’t go out and shoot politicians, saying, “They’re thieves, and you shoot thieves! Frank J. told me that!” Let me make this clear: That’s what I’m telling you not to do. No shooting. This is a policy dispute.
Another problem with the Democrats’ health care law is that I believe it’s unconstitutional.
Wait; why did you just shout, “TREASON!”? That isn’t treason. Yes, I know the punishment for treason is death, but that isn’t treason. Constitutional issues are supposed to be settled by the Supreme Court.
No! I’m not saying hang the Supreme Court justices for treason! Why are you tying up nooses? Stop that! I’m saying we have legal, non-violent ways to settle constitutional questions like this. I was merely giving my opinion on it. I’m not going any further until you demonstrate you understand that by untying those nooses.
Okay. Good.
Also, the health care law is leading to a government takeover, which would be harmful to health care. No, I’m not saying all government is bad. And no, I’m not saying we need a revolution and that we should overthrow the government.
Humorous column! I won’t go hang anybody! *wink wink*
I really do like your style of humor though.
Funny
I think it’s interesting that the far left and Democrats (well, what is the difference these days) can call people who disagree with them every name in the book, but those same people who disagree with them are not allowed to say anything, for fear of being called killers, Nazis, or crazy, to give you just a few of the “happy” terms the far left throws around.
Well, I say we just keep talking and just vote all of the Democrats, including Obama, out of office in 2012. After all, actions do speak louder than words. And by “actions,” I meant voting, not killing anyone. Just in case anyone from MoveOn.org was reading this.
Hilarious! Really enjoy Frank Fleming!
And that’s not to say that Dave Barry or Keith Olbermann are not just as good at writing and telecasting and shouldn’t be allowed to go on writing and tele — but wait! Didn’t Keith get canned? I hope it didn’t have anything to do with all the letters I’ve been sending MSNBC. It was not my intent to have him fired. But then again, it might have been a secret message between the lines that did it. I sure hope others didn’t get the wrong idea from something I said. I surely do.
They still won’t get it.
It’s easier talking to a rock than a liberal.
But (sigh) I’ll try. Thanks for the laugh.
Ha! You didn’t rule out guillotines!
See I knew Frank was still one of us, while he insinuated that we can’t use firearms he didn’t mention Bows and arrows either.
The collected works of Dave Barry, and even single columns, can be very, very dangerous. I’ve read most of what he’s written, and am lucky to be alive today, having nearly laughed myself to death on any number of occasions.
*Snap* Your anti-Snuggie rhetoric has just pushed me over the edge, now I need to go on an murderous rampage!
Now you’ve done it! Wrapped in humor, you sent the message; “Do exactly the opposite of what I say!!!” How could you be so brazen???
So what you’re saying is that we should tie some nooses and hang somebody?
Sarah Palin made you write this, didn’t she? Or one of her media toadies Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity.
This narrative makes me so angry I could just…..
Oh wait. I am not a schizophrenic doper or a leftist. Nevermind.
I dunno Frank. Something about this article still angered up my blood. I must now go outside and face toward Alaska and await for a sign from Palin as to what to do about it.
“Moving on, I really think in the long run…”
Is that our secret hidden message to attack MoveOn members?
Roger, Roger!
I don’t think they were trying to hurt the country by intentionally passing a bad law.
At the risk of violating points 1, 3, and 4 of the comments policy, I have to say, you lost me there. That seems like a dangerous thing to do, because you are clearly a bloodthirsty individual; fortunately, even with the might of Pajamas Media behind you, I doubt you would be able to figure out where I li
sarc on,
It was Dave Barry and not Sarah Palin (or Frank J. Fleming) that caused me to do what I am about to do.
sarc off.
C’mon, Frank, maybe just a teensie-weensie bit of water-boarding? Just on Fridays, to kick off the weekend? Or Mondays, because, it’ll be just another bad Monday? No one will notice. Much.
Coded message received. I have gone operational. It’s on your head.
http://libertyatstake.blogspot.com
“Because the Only Good Progressive is a Failed Progressive”
I can see it all – the Frank J. Defense will be infamous. “He made me do it,he incited me to drive that school bus filled with progressives off the cliff and jump out at the last minute, I had no control over my actions”. Zombie Johnny Cochran will represent me and I’ll get off scott-free. This is going to work out really well. Unless I bark like a dog when the telephone rings.
Free speech is a funny thing; it’s needed the most where it’s wanted the least.
Or delayed until it’s irrelevant.
Hey, that column killed me.
Not literally.
What do you have against white Huggies, anyway?
aarrrgghhhh… my wrath is spilling!