Thirty Ways to Meet Your Next Husband
Dear Belladonna Rogers,
I’m a 55-year-old widow. I was happily married for 30 years. Before he died four years ago, my husband Jack asked his closest friends to fix me up with a great guy. Not that year, of course, but in the years ahead. He asked seven couples to do this. Each promised him they would. Did they? Never. Not one of them. Do you have any suggestions for how I can meet my next husband?
Hopeful in Harrisburg, PA
Dear Hopeful,
I’m brimming with suggestions on this topic. One of them is going to work.
ENLISTING HELP FROM OTHERS
Let’s start with those seven couples. It’s appalling that none of them made an effort to introduce you to anyone in the past three years. The first year, I understand. If you’re still in touch with any of them, send an email, copying all the others: “I miss Jack every day of my life, but I’m ready to meet any of your male friends you think would be appropriate for me. I remember that you promised Jack you’d do this for him and for me, and I hope each of you will keep your promises. I’m eager to get back into the world of dating in the hope of finding a man worthy of being Jack’s successor in my life.”
Don’t hold your breath for an introduction from any of them.
Rule 1: Inform everyone else you know — including doctors and your dentist — that you’re ready to move on to the next chapter of your life. I mention doctors and dentists because they know so many people so well. I have a good friend whose marriage came about because she mentioned to her dentist that she was ready to re-marry and her dentist told an eligible man that the only appointment time he had was when my friend would be in his waiting room.
Then his nurse announced to them both that the dentist was working on an emergency root canal and was sorry they’d both have to wait. Within six months they were married. There was no root canal. The dentist had an inkling they’d like each other and could start getting to know each other while waiting to see him. And you thought dentists only caused pain.
Think of yourself as a detective. If you were a detective, would you leave any stone unturned? Your motto from now on is: “You never know who will introduce you to the second Mr. Right in your life.” Send out emails to all your friends, including from high school and college, if you attended. Someone you haven’t been in touch with in decades may know just the man for you, but would never know you’re ready to date without a clear signal from you. So send out a clear (but not desperate) signal. You could add a few words about what you’re doing these days, what you did between high school and now, and what you especially loved (and now miss) about Jack, but end with a clear statement that you’re ready to begin a new chapter in your life and you look forward to reconnecting with them and with any men they think would be appropriate. Scour your brain! Go to Facebook, go to your high school’s web site, find every email address you can to reconnect with everyone you’ve known over your lifetime. As anyone who’s attended a high school reunion will attest, it won’t matter that these men and women haven’t heard from you in 35+ years. The time melts away when you’re in touch with friends from your youth. Find them and write to them. Also inform members of the clergy, absolutely everyone whom you know and trust, that you’re ready. Neighbors, too, can be good sources of appropriate men. Maybe your dry cleaner knows of a man your age who never brings women’s clothes or children’s snowsuits to be cleaned. Maybe your favorite salesman in your local hardware store knows just the widower for you. But first, three warnings:
FIRST WARNING:
This column is for women over 50. It’s on the Internet, so anyone can read it, but in terms of acting on this advice, you have to be at least 50: it takes about half a century to be able to do the things I advise without getting into trouble. What kind of trouble? Man trouble. Big, bad man trouble. To repeat: This isn’t advice for any woman under 50. And it’s not advice for men at all, although men may well find it helpful to understand the feminine perspective. Advice on how men can find Ms. Right will be published next Tuesday.
SECOND WARNING:
This will not be brief. It’s the distillation of a lifetime of experience and observations. If you wanted a short answer, you shouldn’t have asked a question of such monumental profundity, magnitude, and major significance to the entire human race, especially to you.
THIRD WARNING: IT’S A WHOLE NEW WORLD OUT THERE
It’s not 1977 — the year you and Jack got married — anymore. It’s a whole new world. If you want to remarry, and your friends haven’t come through in introducing you to an appropriate man, you may have to resort to one of the acronyms of our era: DIY.
You may have to find the man yourself. I’m not referring to Internet dating. Despite all the treacly ads, I wouldn’t go there. You can find others who will advise you to go that route, but I’m not among them. One man I greatly respect found his wife through Match.com and they’re very happily married.
LEARN TO SEPARATE THE WHEAT FROM THE CHAFF
YOU ARE NOW YOUR OWN PRIVATE EYE, AND DON’T FORGET IT
There’s no substitute for sizing up a man in person. But in this new world of highly detailed information available on the Internet, I cannot advise you more strongly than I do not to give your first or last name, your email address, your telephone number, your home address or even the general neighborhood where you live, or your place of employment to any man you meet in public. Get his email address, full name, and telephone number. Tell him you’ll contact him and the subject line will read, “From the person you met at the [give name of supermarket] on Wednesday, August 31.” You are not being paranoid nor am I being paranoid to suggest some “due diligence.” Remember, you’re not trying to uncover every twist and turn of a man’s life. You just want to be sure to rule out — in advance — two specific problems:
What is the main characteristic (other than a rap sheet) you’re trying to detect? A married man. A married man is worse than spending the rest of your life alone. A married man is, by definition, a liar and a cheat. To whom is he lying and whom is he cheating? That would be the woman he promised “to love and to cherish till death do us part.” He can be God’s gift to humanity, a surgeon who goes to Third World countries to operate on the wretched of the earth. He can be a dentist who flies to Haiti for Operation Smile. It doesn’t matter. If he’s married, he’s off-limits. He’s trouble. He’s heartache. He’s the perfect answer to your prayer to be hurt like you’ve never been hurt in your life. He’s the person who’ll make you want a 300-year-old oak to fall on your car, crushing the life out of you so your family will avoid the post-mortem humiliation of your suicide. He’s the guarantee that if you have king-sized sheets, you’ll end up with a 108-inch handkerchief into which you’ll blow your nose and cry yourself to sleep for months on end. He is, in short, a very bad idea.
Start by checking for a wedding ring. Far from dispositive, since many married men never wear them, but it’s a start. And of course, if you see a non-sun tanned band on a tanned ring finger where a wedding ring would be, you can bet your bottom dollar that the ring is in his pocket, secreted there while he was talking to you.
After getting his contact information from him, go to www.whitepages.com and see if he’s listed as living with any women. If you Google “search for people online” you’ll find many additional ways to find more information about anyone you meet.
Your research should also include calling his home from a phone that isn’t yours to see if a woman answers or if you get a voicemail message saying, “Janet and John aren’t home now.” Funny how he never mentioned Janet when you met him. That’s his prerogative, the scumbag, but it’s your responsibility to yourself to discover if “Janet” exists before you take your first sip of latte with him.
* * * * *
The next point may seem obvious, but it bears stating: you will not meet your next husband when you’re at home — unless you have a lot of home repairs done with a lot of men, as it were, coming and going. Other than finding a plumber-husband or a painter-husband — which could be great — my first piece of advice is: get out of your house or apartment. But read this column first.
GETTING READY FOR YOUR RE-ENTRY INTO THE WORLD OF MEN: LOOKS MATTER — YOURS
Rule 2: Don’t go out without looking your best. I don’t mean getting all dolled up, but look as you would if you and your husband were going to the movies together, or going out for a casual dinner with friends. You’d wear some make-up, wash your hair, and generally look as good as you could without going all-out.
Rule 3: That brings up your appearance in general. It’s important. It’s not the only thing that matters, but to pretend it doesn’t matter at all is like living on an absolutely charming but different planet.
Down here on Earth, a woman has to help nature along, or work with nature to achieve the best results. You could say, “Belladonna, I’m never going to look like Catherine Zeta-Jones.”
The point is, you could look like the best possible version of yourself. Here’s an analogy to keep in mind. A college student who failed his first midterm exam went to see his professor. “How can I get an A?” he asked. His professor replied, “First figure out how to get a C.” How do you get a C? Or even a B?
a. Lose unneeded pounds. Even if you never meet the man of your dreams, you’ll live a healthier life and be freer of all manner of illnesses from arthritis to diabetes to heart disease to high blood pressure — to name but a few conditions where extra weight doesn’t help. There is no condition where being overweight is an advantage, except being a Sumo wrestler. Then it’s invaluable.
You can tell yourself as much as you like that some big men like big women. That’s true. But those big women will not be as healthy as they would be if they lost their extra pounds. Same goes for men.
b. Makeup: I’m not an advocate of the loaded-for-bear look — the slash of scarlet lips, the turquoise eye shadow, the “blush” that looks like the aftermath of an assault, the Tammy Faye Bakker mascara. Far from it. But any woman over 50 who thinks she looks “natural” without a touch of make-up is absolutely correct, and is also making a major mistake. Not everything “natural” is a plus. As Michelle Pfeiffer says in the comedy I Could Never Be Your Woman, “Think about it. Tobacco is natural, Prozac is unnatural. Earthquakes are natural, television is unnatural.”
In real life, it takes a good deal of make-up to look appealingly natural. So, let’s get going.
c. A word about changing your hair color: as a general rule, don’t. Many women do it very successfully, but many, alas, don’t. Please be very careful. You may think that a happy brunette or reddish rinse will hide all the gray and make you look 30 years younger. Actually, no. What it will do is make your hair have glints of crepuscular purple or other-worldly coppery tones, colors that look better as a vehicle’s paint job than as a woman’s dye job. You won’t look genuine, authentic, or real. Subconsciously, this will translate to the male brain as this: if she’s trying to hide her gray hair, what else is she trying to hide? It’s like your reaction to a toupee. First you spend a lot of time wondering if it is or isn’t. Once you decide it is, you can’t help but wonder what else is the wearer hiding? Note how stunning Jamie Lee Curtis looks with her silvery gray hair:
She looks gorgeous, confident and real. She wouldn’t if she tried to hide the gray. Real men aren’t afraid of being with a woman with gray hair. CNN’s brilliant, luminous Jill Dougherty has never looked more beautiful than she does today:
Rule 4: Get a free makeup lesson. Did you know that cosmetics counters in big department stores will give you a free makeup session? Be sure to begin by telling the salesperson that you want makeup for everyday, and specifically for daytime, not for a special occasion. Their default mode is to make you up for an evening event and that’s not what you want because you’re not going to meet your next husband in a bar, a dance-hall, or any other dark and sultry place.
The cosmetics salesperson will make you up, and will also want you to buy the products you try on. But you don’t have to buy them. How can you avoid it? By bringing with you a blank piece of white paper or a notebook. Whenever the salesperson suggests a lipstick, ask him or her to dab a little on your paper. Write down the name of the product next to the dab. Same with the eye-liner pencil, the eye shadow, the makeup base, and blush.
Treat this experience as a tutorial. Ask questions. If the salesperson advises you to stay away from lipsticks with “blue” in them, ask for an explanation. They have their own color language that most of us don’t understand. They see blue where you see pinks or reds. Get them to explain every suggestion they make — not as if you’re challenging their authority, but because you want to learn.
When the session is over, thank the salesperson and say that you now want to go outside to see how the makeup looks in natural light. Make sure to bring a good-sized mirror in your purse that day.
Department stores and cosmetics shops use very flattering lights. Mother Nature doesn’t, except at night. There’s nothing more cruel than sunlight. OK, water-boarding.
Go outdoors, take out the mirror, and look very carefully at how all that makeup looks in the harsh light of day. If any of the colors look good in daylight, put a check next to the color on your piece of white paper or in your notebook. That means it’s a good color to buy. Any color that looks ghastly in the harsh light of day, cross off your list.
If everything you see in your mirror in daylight looks horrible, go back and tell the cosmetics person, “You know, I bet this would look great anywhere with lighting that’s like what you have here inside the store, but I need a look I can wear outdoors. Could we start all over again and try for some colors that won’t look as if I’m very made-up?”
If the answer is no, don’t worry. Just walk over to a different counter of a different cosmetics manufacturer. They all do the same free makeup session. Say you’ve just had a session at one counter and you went outside and found the colors too garish for daytime. Remove all the makeup from the first counter and start over.
Ultimately, if you devote enough time to this you’ll get a great new look.
Now what do you do? If money is no object, you could buy the suggested cosmetics at the department store. But if money is tight, take your white sheet of paper with your favorite lipstick and other makeup colors that you’ve checked off, and head to your local Target, Walmart, Walgreens, Rite Aid, or CVS and match the colors that looked best to less costly equivalents.
So, write a book on this, belladonna. I’m serious. the good ones do not go out of style on this most important of subjects. It’s obvious you care.
And, speaking of which: “How to Marry the Man of Your Choice” is one the best classic guides. I gave it to a friend when she was hitting forty and whining that there wasn’t a man in her life, and two weeks later she had to quit following the advice b/c so many men had come out of the woodwork. She could not emotionally cope with the tidal wave. And, yes, she did end up with one of them, quite happily. It reads cheesy, and has some morally questionable advice, so skip those parts- but the rest- apparently brilliant.
And, second, this woman needs to see if she knows any other single women. If she does- she should go out on one fun, inexpensive date with a guy, then a second date to interview. If he’s not good for her- figure out who he is good for- and set them up together somehow. Which means- a lot of dates with guys that aren’t her type, but (1) she’s doing something fun, and learning to deal with guys other than her husband and (2) she now has a pool of obligated friends and well-wishers. The second part of this, is, throw a dinner party, or just a party, every six months or so for all the guys and women she has met in this network. The guys will probably get along- people tend to date in streaks. Make it fun for everyone. Everyone will meet, you’ll have a big party, everyone will think you are wonderful. They will have new friends. At some point, sigh, and ask everyone to find a guy for you. They are single, and they have single friends.
And, bluntly, they like you- not, they liked your husband, and they’re married and maybe they don’t care for you as much, and maybe they don’t know any single guys…….this new group is all single. They’ve had two good dates with you, and they’ve met their new girlfriend and new social group through you. You are, in some ways, now the queen bee. They will be highly motivated to find you the right guy, and honestly, with your new queen bee status, the guy will be much nicer than one you could find on your own.
And, finally, compliment guys and women. Say nice things. Only say nice things, not in a hurt, self-righteous, lemony sort of way- say what you like. Tall, handsome, beautiful blue eyes, lovely hands, intelligent hands, strong…take your pick. ONLY say nice things. My dad’s final girlfriend before he got married- she said ” I don’t understand how such a tall, handsome intelligent man could still be single. I am so fortunate to get to meet you.” I told other men this line, and they were taking pictures of themselves and handing them to me, to give to her, to see if she had a sister, or friends like her, for them. Sight unseen- four states over- they were willing to travel to meet this woman.She is, absolutely, my hero.
ari, thank you for writing, “So, write a book on this, belladonna. I’m serious. the good ones do not go out of style on this most important of subjects. It’s obvious you care”
I do care. That’s why I write. I’m glad to have you as a reader.
if you are writing a series on this, half your work is done, right? You have good advice, it’s very concrete. It’s very step- by- step, and includes the caveats that are usually left out- the makeup section alone has advice that’s very good, and not usually printed in magazines….
I think it would be an excellent book. I think, also, it would be different than the books that are currently on the market. And, well, copyright lasts seventy years after your death, which means right there, you have something to write a will about.
You could to it two ways: traditional publisher, and reserve your e-books rights ( I would think this was ideal). Or, simply e-book, with POD. and then try to ramp it up to hardback. Except you already have a platform of loyal readers, so a hardbound,or trade, is really viable. I’m assuming that the platform is growing, b/c I don’t recognize all the names. The e-book rights reservation is really important- go look at Katherine Rusch’s blog. She’s a professional writer, so she knows the ins and outs of the whole thing. The accounting on e-books is really wrong, right now, in traditional publishing.
I think it would be a really good book, and that no one else could to the job quite the way you do, which is a complete, careful package.
An entertaining article; and, there were some humorous things:
See yourself as the woman in a sleeping bag—and sure, there’ll be a few mosquitoes which will require some slapping at, but—you’ll finally drift off to sleep, looking forward to the next morning with the promise of the limitless expanse of an entire day spent, seeing if a fish will strike. And no doubt, there are plenty of guys out there, just-a-wishin’ for an intelligent woman with whom such might be enjoyed in togetherness. If that’s your idea of a good time, consider the full length of the shelf as yours—go for it!
Maybe not all that much for a guy who plays a piano, but, . . . entertaining, . . . seeing something of how the other half lives, . . . well, yeah, centers of worship, . . .
I thought Belladonna’s advice was great. As a 91-year-old woman, the only points I would add and would emphasize are:
1. Lots of men are shy.
2. Politics and all the various campaigns/causes should be #1 on your list of venues to explore–but only if your interest is sincere. That way you can “do good,” pursue an interest, and meet like-minded men (and make new women friends as well).
3. Learn to play bridge — this is a cause of mine. (http://bridgetable.net) Good for your head, meeting people and a hobby that can last almost literally until you die and its low cost. You can be sociable player or just as serious as your DNA would have you.
I write more about this in my book: http://www.amazon.com/BRIDGE-Anyway-Affectionate-Sociable-Bridge/dp/1601458339/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314115358&sr=8-1
Brava!!!!
I am a happily married woman of 30 years, but I still find this helpful…the spirit of doing the work, taking charge, using strategy, and coming up a winner is just fabulous for all big life changes! My latest life change is that I’m now the author of a newly-published book. I found much of Belladonna’s advice about standing up for yourself extremely relevant to marketing my book. And I am one of the shy ones, so this advice column really revved me up.
http://www.ctpub.com/productdetails.cfm?PC=2230
Any lady BLESSED with a head of silver gray hair would flat out nuts to color it.
Nuts.
Need more evidence: google Emmy Lou Harris images. hummanah, hummanah, hummanah
Happy hunting!
There is nothing that says “confidence” any stronger than a woman comfortable with her natural hair color. I love my wife’s silver. It is truly her crowning glory!
Agreed. Silver hair on a woman is very beautiful.
Belladonna nailed it with the distinction between dumb and ignorant. Guys like me are *not* looking for helpless butterflies. We are looking for smart, capable, partners who are somehow, miraculously, still in need of our particular knowledge, abilities, and leadership. There is a mythic pattern in literature for this “ideal” woman – man takes on formidable foe (with or without approval of spouse), is overwhelmed despite heroic effort and accomplishments, woman steps in as an unexpected “ace up the sleeve” and saves his butt (or at least carries on the war). Just a few movie examples, “Tucker”, “The Incredibles”.
That “mythic” pattern pervades commercials, TV, movies, and popular culture generally; all men are stupid brutes who have to be directed by women and children. I suppose the urban castrati may be OK with that but men who’ve actually lived at least somewhat manly lives aren’t.
I’ve spent most of my working life working with or for women or having female subordinates. In the later days of my career I came to prefer female subordinates because they would actually work; the young males right out of college had lots of self-esteem and no discernable reason to have it.
That said one out of three or four of the females I’ve worked with would try to trip you and beat you to the ground if they thought the horizontal career move would work to advance their career or give them power over you, and they pretty much all saw ALL other women as rivals. I spent a quarter or more of my time breaking up “bitch fights,” and the only surefire way to break them up was to give them all something to hate me about.
So, I’d add a couple of more rules to the piece:
Rule 30 – Don’t get fat and mean.
Rule 31 – Don’t feel compelled to direct and supervise the behavior of every man you come in contact with.
Rule 32 – Don’t be a tramp. It is generally true that women need a reason, men need a place and most men will jump any reasonably attractive woman’s bones who’ll let him. That said, that stuff about respecting you in the morning is true. If a man thinks you’re using sex to have power over him, he’ll never trust you. If he thinks you’re using sex to glom on to him, he’ll wonder who else you’re using it with. Those things said, men aren’t naturally all that honest with women and if a man is getting laid and fed regularly, he’ll hang around a long time even if he’s always thinking about being somewhere else. And finally, with many older men, it isn’t erectile dysfunction, it is erectile disinterest; see the rules above.
Great article. I loved it. I think it should become a collector’s item and that millions of over-50 women will print this out to carry around in their purses for reference. Very good emphasis on the protection of identity, and great advice, too, in recommending to STAY AWAY from meeting over the internet. That would or could be disastrous in spite of the few successes it has had. Stay clean, use makeup, smell good. The makeup advice alone is worth the price of admission. Thanks, Belladonna, for this great piece–not just for women, but for all of us men out here.
I’m waiting for the guy’s guide you promise next week but in the interim,
I’d offer a comment on rule 23, the gym. Most gyms or “health clubs” have some form of uptempo music blasting from overhead speakers or, most members will be plugged into their own personal sonic universe with an iPod or some such music player. Starting a conversation usually requires the use of a signal flare first. And, for the record, from the guy’s side of the fence, I find it rare for a female at the gym to even engage in eye contact, let alone a conversation.
Your ability to write an extended comedy essay cracks me up, BR.
Thank you, ErisGuy. I much appreciate your appreciation.
1. Class reunions are great. I met my husband at our 20 year college reunion. I was in the market for a used husband and there he was.
2. My mother has had five marriage proposals since my dad died 14 years ago. She is not rich. She is not stunningly beautiful. She is nice. She is nice and she is a good cook. She has met some of her gentleman callers at church. Two others (one divorced, one widowed) were old friends who had known my dad. She has gone on about her life, doing what she is interested in doing, and has met men who fit in with her.
Yes! Being interested in something and actively pursuing it is healthy and attractive.
It’s been my experience that most men are terrified of intelligent, opinionated and attractive women. I think that deep down inside, they want docile and subservient females around them. That is why so many of them in my city are dating/marrying Asians. It’s not just a lack of white women, it has to be something that they are searching for in the Asian psyche and non-threatening appearance that they reject in North American women. That, and the lack of emotionally mature men who cannot commit has made it almost impossible for the single women that I know to meet anyone.
It’s been my experience that most men are terrified of intelligent, opinionated and attractive women. I think that deep down inside, they want docile and subservient females around them. That is why so many of them in my city are dating/marrying Asians. It’s not just a lack of white women, it has to be something that they are searching for in the Asian psyche and non-threatening appearance that they reject in North American women. That, and the lack of emotionally mature men who cannot commit has made it almost impossible for the single women that I know to meet anyone.
Your comment tells a lot about you and not much of it is good. It appears that you think of yourself as “intelligent, opinionated and attractive.” While I have little doubt about the opinionated part, perhaps you aren’t as attractive and intelligent as you believe. Part of attractiveness is having a personality that people want to be around. If you think it’s your role in a relationship to boss your partner around, it could explain a lot about why you’re alone. Who in their right mind would want to put up with that hassle? Men who are inclined to marry want a partner in life, not a boss. It’s pretty ignorant to think otherwise.
Remember, the one constant in all your failed relationships is you.
As for your comment on Asian women, it’s highly racist. My wife is Asian and she’s intelligent, opinionated and attractive, quite likely far more than you. Through her, I’ve met hundreds of Asian women. They’re far from the demure and subservient wall flowers.
We’ve been happily married for 28 years and are a “till death do us part” couple. Should I survive her, I doubt I’ll ever consider getting married again. There are too many women like you out there and the laws are not on a man’s side should the marriage not work.
Intelligent: Repeats the same mainstream opinions, information from TV news, and has read the same books that a zillion other people have already read, heard,and seen. People who are genuinely intelligent know that they’re not.
Opinionated: I must have missed when this word’s connotation shifted from bad to good, but it still means a loud-mouthed know-it-all, who’s eveyone’s idea of a royal pain in the ass.
Attractive: Any woman who is not seriously over- or under-weight, or suffering from an unfortunate physical deformity or illness, is more than attractive enough to find “eligible suitors.” On the flip side, no matter how gorgeous a woman is, she’s going to have to have something more to keep a marriage/serious relationship going.
I think that’s game, set, and match!
http://instantrimshot.com/
I have a sister who is highly intelligent, opinionated, and attractive.
And alone.
And she’ll stay that way.
She cannot fathom anyone else knowing more, or having a better idea, or a better way, than her, and she is not shy about making sure that all around her know how stupid they are.
I have to wonder if you aren’t a lot like her.
Narcissism, and especially malignant narcissim on either party’s part is not a formula for a happy life together.
Nothing worse than a know-it-all – who doesn’t.
Intelligent women aren’t terrifying, they’re goddamn rare.
Most women are not terribly intelligent. Most women are, by definition, very average. This has nothing to do with how intelligent they believe themselves to be. Average women who think they’re intelligent aren’t terrifying, they’re annoying. So far as men are concerned, annoying is an unrecoverable condition. They’ll avoid a woman like that with the same fervor that they’ll avoid drinking water in Mexico.
Hmm, are you saying that women, on average, are less intelligent than men?
Just wondering.
I believe that what he is saying is that many people believe themselves to be much more intelligent than they actually happen to be. Especially if they were taught self esteem instead of useful subjects in school. And if you are announcing to others “I’m intelligent!”, odds are it’s like saying “I’m cool” or I’m not cheap”. If you have to tell others that you’re intelligent, you’re probably not.
I find that a lot of American women today don’t like men. Perhaps that’s true of Canadian women too? Men don’t like women who don’t like men.
I have an Asian wife and she is (guffaw) ANYTHING but docile and subservient!
However, she knows how to look good, stay in reasonably good shape, works (too) hard and is very well educated. She’s a great mom to our kids and is willing to persevere in a relationship with a man who is not always so easy to get along with.
She’s also good with money and has been a wonderful friend and conduit for me to see parts of the world I never would have otherwise.
I will say, though, that ‘imported’ women (Asian, Eastern European or what-have-you) DO have an advantage here in some ways. Like immigrants of old, they are self-selected to a higher standard by virtue of their willingness to overcome adversity in their desire to make a life for themselves here in the States.
It’s nice to be with someone who is grounded and doesn’t just want to give up and look for greener pastures every time things get difficult.
You always give such great advice Belladonna-please keep up the good work! I’m younger than the women you address it to, but you’ve given me some good ideas on how to meet someone as have the interesting comments you have inspired so far.
another suggestion:
Go to a reunion — high-school reunion, college reunion, whatever.
Old friendships, even those that never quite blossomed into romance, can be renewed, and they’re different when you’re no longer in your teens.
Because I went to my high-school 50th, it happened to me.
maybe you ladies in waiting should take some pointers from real pro’s looking for victims, like maybe attending divorce court? see, lawyers know ambulances contain potential victims for lawsuits. well, in case you gals haven’t noticed, divorce courts are full of recently eligible bachelors just looking for love. here is how you know he is ready for you:
1. he obviously isn’t married anymore, thereby solving the main worry.
2. since the vast majority of divorces are filed for by women, most of these guys probably didn’t even want a divorce. some remarry very quickly following divorce, so you must strike fast.
3. trying to get someone’s attention and understanding is really hard. sitting close at hand in court you can gain insight into what caused the divorce, and have a big advantage when he needs a shoulder to cry on.
4. many (if not most) divorced men will still be reeling from the routine fleecing by the courts. your having extra $$ to help him out in his time of need can really be a game changer for him.
5. striking up a conversation with a lonely, abandoned and devastated man should be like taking candy from a baby.
there are probably many benefits i missed, for both of you. i’m sure that a well researched plan of attack as listed above can quickly be put together to help find those vulnerable men before they sit back, wake up and realize they have been had by the divorce industry. i’m real surprised someone hasn’t already thought of this; or, could it be that a recent divorced man isn’t that attractive?
hand
I always told my daughters that if there was a man they had an interest in, they should send him a funny card, with a mildly comedic theme, and a name and phone number. “Thought you might get a kick out of this” and then wait. Any man knows this is a nibble, and if you get no response, he wasn’t interested.
Also, the yahoo boys of nigeria get men to fall for them over the Internet, even send them money. I would love to know how they do that?
Why is everyone ignoring the most important part of this request? Multiple friends asked to help out and–crickets?
Look within, madam.
We really don’t know enough about her or her situation to jump to such a cruel solution, now do we?
‘Look within’ indeed.
SK: My thanks to you for this and for your other terrific comments and interjections in many of these threads.
I hadn’t thought of this when I wrote the column, but it now strikes me that one reason that friends of Hopeful’s late husband haven’t come through is that they may feel, subconsciously, that it would be disloyal to him to introduce her to her next husband — even though he specifically requested that they do so. Secondly, it’s also possible that not one of them knows an appropriate man. And that itself may be a result of their continuing admiration and affection for her late husband: they can’t see anyone filling his shoes, even though he wanted them to make this effort.
In conclusion, I second your splendid closing line:
“‘Look within’ indeed.”
Utter, total genius. It should be sent to synagogues, churches, and women’s magazines everywhere. It is full of the best advice to women (of any age) I have ever read.
50′s plus guy, so can’t speak for the women, but what gawd awful work. I kept thinking, “hm, so these are the humans who put up with high heels and corsets?” I’m going to go negative here and say help is needed.
Stores – so you are at a men’s-type store and ask for help shopping. How many men shop with the women in their life? .00002%, maybe, and they are under 10 and stuck. Better idea – go to the Apple store, get familiar, ask the hot guy whose is shopping for apps in some area. Apps means you have some brains.
Gym – no, guys over-50 there are there for a reason, agree with Antme. This isn’t the 70′s, and they have headphones on anyway. Find a sport you like. Not even that athletic? Aurora’s good advise, card games.
No outside? Belladonna must live in Houston. For the rest of us, hike, if you must in pairs, or bike, again if you must in pairs. Beaucoup single guys, coffee bars and refreshment stops, prepegs you as active and interesting.
Have extra time? Volunteer, or get a part-time job. Doubles your potential social group. Pick for male %, income group you are interested in, age group, personal interests.
Online dating, anyone? Thick with singles, and all other sorts of critters. Caveat emptor, but endless interesting.
But, it seems to me, best source of dates is a set of age-and-interest similar friends who love you and look out for you. Beyond core social groups, it is seems like divorce-recovery, widow/widower, relgious organizations (or your age group), like choirs. Get close to your interests, and have others act to cushion and assist your approach.
imho.
Um, I don’t know where you’ve been or with whom, but we women haven’t been wearing corsets for almost 100 years. They went out ion the 1920s with the advent of flapper dresses and the new freedoms for women post-World War One. And few of us wear high heels after 40. Ballet slipper- flats are all the rage now, and a good thing, too. Any woman anywhere in America who goes hiking alone risks ending up on the police blotter, and not as a perp. Online dating is risky business, too. As for interest groups, volunteering and religious groups: they’re in the advice column, especially volunteering for political campaigns.
“glints of crepuscular purple” .. ???
If you don’t know what a word means, look it up before you use it.
Crepuscular means active at dawn and dusk. Cats and skunks are crepuscular. Hair is not.
From the Merriam Webster Dictionary, Throckmorton, the first definition is:
“1. of, relating to, or resembling twilight”
Therefore, my fine friend, the phrase that Belladonna used, viz., “crepuscular purple” is 100 percent accurate and vividly so. It refers to the purple of dusk or twilight.
If you’ve ever seen bad hair dye jobs, you’d recognize the description of hair as “crepuscular purple” as spot on.
You may not be aware of it, but in November 1963 the #1 song and the one that won the Grammy for Best Rock & Roll Record, recorded by Nino Tempo and April Stevens, was a beautiful ballad whose opening lines are unforgettable:
When the deep purple falls over sleepy garden walls
And the stars begin to twinkle in the sky—
In the mist of a memory you wander back to me
Breathing my name with a sigh…
For the millions of us who danced to that song, and Belladonna Rogers might be one, for all I know, the idea of “crepuscular purple” is a powerful reminder of that great song. I agree with PG Wodehouse that it is an apt phrase. It accurately describes what can happen when brunette dye mixes with gray hair. I’ve seen it myself and always wondered why women with such dye jobs didn’t notice the purple, too.
As a man of 55 years…. divorced….. all I can say is: eye roll. A MAN needs to write this kind of article. Half of what she says is misguided.
I don’t know … I was a nerdy 56 year old when I met my wife. (Lucky me!) And I would have been flattered by a woman approaching me had she used any of Belladonna’s suggestions. They all seem tasteful … and even a little whimsical in a memorable kind of way. Had my wife turned up at Lowe’s sporting a big red hat and asked sensible questions about her miserable sump pump … I would have known lots of good things: 1.) she was intelligent, 2.) she could set good boundaries about what she wanted and needed … in lots of ways, 3.) she was courageous, and 4.) the courtship would have had a wonderful memorable beginning that we would have talked about for years. I loved the advice … and would have been flattered to have been the “subject” of such fine attention.
Bravo, Frankns. You tell it like it is. You’re the reasonable voice of male experience so lacking in so many of the men posting their comments now. Thank you for confirming that Belladonna is on the right path and that the men who are bashing her are not bewng helpful, only peevish because of their own mistakes and bad luck.
Thanks so much Barbara. I’m afraid that some – not all – of the male commenters make Belladonna’s point FOR her … and rather well. Many woman simply wouldn’t want to date them … too little soul … too much bravado … and they wouldn’t be any fun to flirt with at Lowe’s. They’d get passed by pretty quickly.
Seriously, to have a smart, confident woman WANT to talk with you in public because she found you attractive. What man wouldn’t enjoy that? How could that be anything but fun? Create your own Cary Grant/Debra Kerr moment …
Or perhaps, some are afraid they would be ignored in Lowes … But that’s unkind.
Frankns, I salute you and thank you for your clarity of vision, your mature — in the best sense of the word — perspective and your unfailingly astute comments. I wholeheartedly agree with Barbara Bonds who wrote, “Bravo, Frankns. You tell it like it is. You’re the reasonable voice of male experience …”
You are, indeed, and I’m honored to have you as a reader and commenter. Thank you.
Yes, yes and YES again!
ANY demonstration of courage, humor and sincerity, no matter how seemingly small or clumsy, is deeply attractive and always appreciated by people of character. That is what the author is calling for and she is right on the money.
Just smile. A genuine “I’m please to make your acquaintance” kind of smile. For most men, a woman who actually notices them as a human being, graces them with a honest smile and looks directly into their eyes while talking to them, it’s a memorable highlight of their day. You’ll get their attention, as such an event is all too rare.
Mr. Fleming, I couldn’t agree more. Thank you very much for writing this.
50-something and 60-something women are supposed to be grandmothers or grandmothers-in-waiting and doing grandmotherly things, not trying to relive their 30-years-ago youth. Act your age!
(boomers, jeez)
Oh no … not at all. Maturity trumps impatience and inexperience every time. The richness of meeting someone of real depth and experience is something you earn in your middle years. I suggest – with no trace of irony, I hope – that you hang in there for another decade or two and try it. It’s marvelous. Imagine be romanced, appreciated and finally loved by a woman of genuine depth and character … Now that’s something special! The finest romantic encounters I has were in my 50′s.
I could tell this article was written by a woman without even looking at the byline. You have few clues on how to meet men. First of all, any woman having normal weight is going to be instantly HIGHLY attractive. In my case, I wouldn’t even give you the time of day if you were overweight. – it tells us volumes before you’ve even opened your mouth. Rule 6 is a start but doesn’t get to the point. Ya gotta go where the men are and where we spend time so you can make yourself known. I don’t do golf but others do. I do boating, flying and skeet shooting myself- Coast Guard Auxiliary and Civil Air Patrol eat up tons of time and I’ve met dozens of guys there, few single women, fewer yet that are attractive. Woodworking, photography, motorcycles, and cooking. In all of those activities, I’ve NEVER been approached by a single woman. That’s why I turned to eHarmony. Went through maybe 400+ possibilities – (really, ya gotta work at it) – before I met my wife (I was her first, go figure). So, go where men are, make yourself attractive, stick your neck out and be assertive. Works.
“So, go where men are, make yourself attractive, stick your neck out and be assertive. Works.”
Few clues? That’s exactly what she said in the article! It sounded strange to you perhaps because it was written by a woman for other women to read.
Several of us thought that hanging out in clothing stores was more than a bit strange and the other suggestions have been pretty much supplanted by Amazon.
“Several of us thought that hanging out in clothing stores was more than a bit strange” Well, Scooter, a lot of us thought that there couldn’t possibly be “a lot” of men like you. I can see why this column was necessary, if you’re an example of what women have to put up with.
“and the other suggestions have been pretty much supplanted by Amazon.”
Yeah, for people who don’t like people. But as long as civilization continues, people who are sociable will gather in bricks and mortar stores to buy things they can try on and be among other shoppers.
It’s something that friendly people who like to interact with other friendly people do. Of course you can buy anything online. But you can’t have the pleasure of
being with others in a mall or a corner drugstore (which also still exist) or a cafe on a nice day by staying home, ordering everything online and becoming sour and anti-social. It’s your life, but based on your negative comments, it doesn’t sound to “several of us” as if you’re getting your money’s worth out of it.
“In all of those activities, I’ve NEVER been approached by a single woman.” What a surprise. With an attitude like yours, I can’t imagine why women haven’t been chasing you for years. Your shouted NEVER demonstrates a lot about your prejudices against women. Smart ones avoid your kind.
Given your unbelievably condescending opening sentence, (“I could tell this article was written by a woman without even looking at the byline”) and this revealing admission, I’m surprised you got lucky even on eHarmony. I sure hope eHarmony will give your wife her money back when she realizes what kind of guy she ended up with. I wish her luck. She’s going to need it.
All the more reason not to date.
As a male in the target group I can agree with some of the tips have to disagree with others.
“Rule 9: If you have cleavage, don’t show it. Button up for now. You don’t want to look as if you’re cruising for a guy.” – Wrong, if you have got it show some of it, don’t go super tramp but a man has to be either gay or dead to not be attracted to cleavage!
Advice to hang out at clothing stores seems creepy to me.
Loss weight – there isn’t many women in your age range that couldn’t afford to drop a few kgs.
The best advice from this column is to go to where the men are. For example, radio control car, planes, ships etc clubs or shops. Guys generally never grow out of wanting to play with toys and show them off. An opener could be saying you are thinking of buying one for your ‘son, nephew, etc’.
Hair color – silver/white/grey/whatever says “OLD”. I was recently at my HS 50th. The girls with “color” in their hair seemed a generation younger than those without. With an exception or two, they were also more trim and fit. Vanity, for sure but if they can pull it off, why not?
My wife’s 61 – firm in all the interesting places, virtually wrinkle-free, bright-eyed and full of energy and mischief. Her hair “color” completes the image of the real her. Grey, no matter how “real”, is not the real her. We have some female friends only a year or two away from 70. No bling, no face lifts. Just down-to-earth women who can hike in the mountains, paddle a kayak or ride a bike all day. Grey hair would only say, “Hey, I’m a lot older than you think.”
Why?
This works for guys, too. I was grey for about 10 years. Decent looking, and yet… My wife pushed me over to the “dark” side in ‘O3. Frankly, I look at least 10 years younger than I did 10 years ago. I don’t lie about my age, I just choose not to advertise it. Life is good!
As another male in the target group: I try to avoid meeting single women,
because they generally are interested in marriage. While I’d love to have a
long-term partner, divorce has put me off relationships of the legally-enforceable
kind.
I’ve got a good career, own my home and a business, an IRA, etc.
I’d like to enjoy these things in the years that remain to me, and
when I’m gone, I want to leave it to my children, nieces, and nephews,
to help them start their lives. Marriage would put everything I have
in legal jeopardy.
So maybe it would be helpful to ask yourself what you really want -
a guy, or a wedding?
Go swing dancing. Women look their absolute best when they are smiling and no one can swing dance without smiling.
Make sure when you take a class that they rotate partners. Some classes are set up so that you dance with the same person through the class. Avoid them.
1. If you have someone to dance with you wouldn’t be asking the question
2. Rotating partners allows you to meet more guys
3. You also become a better dancer
For heaven’s sake, don’t dismiss online dating sites. Simply browsing the ads for the prospects in your area will be an education in itself. OKCupid is free and I’m having a good time with it. It’s far more efficient to spend some time describing yourself and the sort of person you are looking for and have it online 24/7 at a website devoted to single people, and to be able to look at hundreds of profiles of likely prospects, than it is to hope Mr. Right will be in that store at the same time you are.
Toronto Girl,re: “It’s been my experience that most men are terrified of intelligent, opinionated and attractive women.” Wrong – good men love this kind of woman. The real question to ask yourself is: do you fit your own description? “I think that deep down inside, they want docile and subservient females around them.” Toronto, with all due respect, you sound like an embittered feminist; I’ve known a few of them in my time, and your comment is exactly the kind of thing that they would say. “That is why so many of them in my city are dating/marrying Asians.” Toronto, I have been happily married for twenty years, but many of my male friends are single and I hear their complaints all the time. One of the foremost is that they lament that so many American (and western) women have an entitlement mentality, are feminist ideologues, and know next to nothing about what men want out of life or how they think, feel and act. Asian women are sought-after by some western men because they have traditional values but are still modern and ambitious; they take care of themselves and do not mind looking good for a man; they are smart and ambitious; and they are less likely to be embittered feminists who blame their problems on men. As for some men wanting “docile and subservient” women, who are you to judge someone else’s romantic arrangements? Some women are more comfortable with the traditional roles for man and wife; others are not. We should all be free to choose whatever works best for us, don’t you think?
Wow…
As a man who is now re-entering the “dating scene” after sixteen years of dealing with a woman who loved herself more than anyone else, I’m not sure I like what I’m reading. Yes, women, and men, should look their best. This is a mating ritual of sorts, but not at the baboon level for the love of God!
(My opportunities to meet women are good, but I am raising two kids by myself, one a daughter who was deeply hurt by her mother “replacing” me before the body was cold- so to speak. I promised her it would be only us three until she felt comfortable. {Another thing you women should take into consideration. There may be someone else in the guy’s life he loves, or will always love, more than you.})
You make women seeking men look like the cartoon where two starving guys on a deserted island begin to see each other like ham bones and turkey legs. Jeeezz.
Let me share with you, from a perspective of man’s point of view, what men in their fifties look for.
1. Yes, looks are important. If you weight two hundred and fifty on a 5-5 frame, you are going to be lonely. However, women who starve themselves, work out all the time, and look at themselves in the mirror with love are a turn off for most men. Looking good is great. Being a happy person inside is far more important.
2. Attitude towards life. The author did say one thing I agreed with. Men, especially those who have survived a negative marriage, love women who love life. It is a refreshing experience to be next to someone who loves to laugh. I’ve met a lot of women since my divorce. Some were upfront, they needed “lovin’”, some were needy in that they were clueless on how to survive after their husbands left and were looking for a replacement to “handle things”, others were just happy. Happy with their world, their lives, the possibilities. I can say without a doubt, the latter was and is the most attractive. I met one woman who laughs at every opportunity. Not a forced life but one from being comfortable with herself and her world. It was intoxicating. She would be telling a story about something funny that happened an start giggling, ticking herself so much she could barely finish. I would find myself laughing at her laughter. It was like being sent back to high school. Amazing.
3. Men of my age- outside the hair plug wearing, sports car buying, boat owning, tanning booth using, speedo wearing, reverting to their twenties so they can bag thirty somethings guys- look for experience, stability, laughter and GENUINE emotions. Not the “if I act this way he’ll like me” emotions, but “here I am, take me or leave me” emotions. Why? Because after all the mistakes we’ve made by now, we’ve learned one thing more than all else- love your best friend. Find that person who truly connects with you, likes what you like, likes being with you BECAUSE of who you are, not WHAT you can provide. Being seen as a replacement, a “next husband” is a turn off. I’d rather be your best friend.
Lastly, and this is very important so pay attention girls, most men unconsciously subscribe to theory that a buddy of mine’s daddy told him. (We call it the “Richardson rule”.) After five marriages, two to actually certifiably nutty women (had doctors papers to prove it), he said to his son “Son, here’s the truth of the matter. All women are nuts, some just hide it better than others!”
Some of you may be offended. Some of you might be turned off. Most of you, after reflection, will agree. Women are emotional people. It rules them at times, sometimes it rules them MOST of the time. Worse, in my opinion, since the liberation of women, they have been under a great deal of stress, trying to fit into both worlds at the same time. Some do well, some drive themselves (and their men) crazy over it. My advice is this. Find yourself first before looking for a man. As the author likes to use movie examples I’ll use one of my favorite ones when I speak to women about this. In the movie “Runaway Bride” Gere realizes that Roberts is morphing herself to fit her boyfriends. He figures this out when he asks one of the former boyfriends what kind of eggs she likes. “Poached, just like me.” He goes to all of them and they answer with different kinds of eggs but always “just like me.” I tell my women friends that they HAVE TO FIND THEIR OWN EGGS! What they like, what they want, what fulfills their dreams and makes them happy. THEN go and find some man who likes the same eggs and befriend him.
THAT will make you happy. I guarantee it!
I am over 50 and my experience is that pursuing your interests is the way to meet likeminded people, some of whom will be men. It helps to be happy with your own company because no one likes desperation. Kindness, warmth and not being a control freak will also help. You will not be everyone’s cup of tea, so don’t take it personally when a man isn’t interested. You will also not be interested in every single man.
P.S. Jamie Lee Curtis’s hair isn’t her natural color in the photo. It has obviously been treated with a darker color. It looks lovely but it’s not the real hair color.
I hope I never need this kind of advice, but if I did, I’d want to get it from someone like Belladonna Rogers. She’s compassionate, witty, erudite, comprehensive, and those visuals! So apt! Really an amazing column, many thanks PJM.
I have experience in this. I lost my husband of 37 years in 2008. I never, ever expected to get involved with anyone else. I met my current boyfriend in the ICU waiting room. His wife was in the hospital the same time as my husband. We became friends because we were both dealing with the same thing.
It would be very helpful for this woman to be looking at men that have also lost a spouse. There can be jealousy issues from someone that doesn’t understand that you still have feelings for your late spouse. There’s a good chance at an instant bond there, a shared experience. You want someone that you can be friends with.
As for the rest of the personal appearance stuff, do a bit of a makeover but don’t try and make yourself into something you are not. You’ve earned the right to look the way you want. If you look younger with dyed hair, do it. If you want to lose weight, that’s your call. I do agree that you need to be willing to make that first move and let folks know that you are interested in meeting new people.
I chatted with a woman on one of the grief lists. She was 70 and her husband died on the dance floor from a heart attack. She had a friend help her check out the online dating sites. She told me, at her age, she just didn’t have any time to waste. You don’t either. Just make sure that you make your own life fulfilling now, whether there’s a man in it or not.
It’s been my experience too that many men tend to be scared off by a woman who’s too opinionated and too knowledgeable.
Respond to a polite request about your profession, and tell them that you’re a Rocket Scientist, or doing a doctorate in meta-genetic algorithms, or are an associate professor of neurophysiology, and many run a mile.
Those that don’t though… they’re worth waiting for. Or maybe I just like Geek Guys who like Geek Girls. Mr Right for me could segue from discussing Fall Barbarossa to Kantian Philosophy, to the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, and teach me so much I don’t know. They have to be kind too. That I value even more highly than intellect.
I feel that even before going on the prowl, you really need to think about what you’re looking for. It *is* about percentages, and persistence, but you can bias those percentages by figuring out where the kind of guy who rings your bell might be found first. Are you the kind of woman he might be looking for too.. to state the obvious, marriage is a two-way street, and if you end up in love, his happiness will mean more to you than your own.
Zoe – do you think there’s a difference between opinionated and knowledgeable? It’s one thing to KNOW something and another to have an opinion, kind of thing.
Knowledge is great. It leads to better conversation and even more fun as a couple. But opinions … well, too often they are barely more than prejudices. I’ve been charmed/fooled by the occasional opinionated woman, but knowledgeable women have always been a whole different experience.
Among their peers, men who have to talk about their status as “rocket scientist” or “philosopher king” generally bore … Ego becomes more important than information. Some of them become “oxygen suckers” pulling all the breathable air out of a conversation. If I were a woman testing out that kind of relationship … I’d run the other way … fast.
It’s a funny thing. I started my career as a scholar – largely in my own mind – and could hold some pretty abstruse conversations. Barbarossa, sure. Kant … a bit. But Donne over Khayyam. After a few dozen years all that fell away and I’ve found more “meat,” more vitality in the things immediately around me: family, neighbors, colleagues, even service. The old abstractions often seem like metaphysics. A good steak … with someone I love … now that’s different.
My suspicion is that women are ahead of us on this one. They “get it” early on, partly because they are the center of the family in ways that men are not. I think of this new perspective as a kind of maturity … maybe the maturing that the elders did when we were all part of tribal living. I like it. Part pragmatism … part observation from past experience … maybe even real wisdom.
One of the better things about knowing and being with older women is that they are in that place too. So much better than wrestling through my 20′s, 30′s and even 40′s. Whew
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