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Things I’m Thankful For

Due to Sarah Palin’s aerial patrols, wolf attacks are down 30%.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

November 26, 2009 - 12:08 am

Thanksgiving Day is my favorite of the holidays where you don’t either get presents or free candy. It’s sort of America’s own special religious holiday (don’t tell liberals!) where we give thanks to God for giving us such an awesome country and not letting us suck like Canada or Mexico.

It was started by pilgrims who were quite thankful to God despite their ridiculous hats with buckles on them. They were originally joined by the Native Americans, though they became less and less thankful for the visitors in the later years. Well, water under the bridge, right?

Secular people like Thanksgiving too, though they might call it Turkey Day, as it’s the day we all kill and eat a particularly stupid bird. Also, people can give thanks to things other than God; I hear Obama is going to take the day off and personally greet Americans so they can thank him.

But whether you’re religious or one of those waiting for eternal damnation, the point is there is a lot to give thanks for in America, and it’s great to have a day to reflect on that. I know you can all think of things to complain about — the economy is in shambles, the president obviously has no clue what he’s doing, the Democrats are trying to take away our rights and ruin health care, all our enemies are getting nuclear weapons, there’s too much Sarah Palin, the number one movie involves sparkly vampires, blah blah blah — but Thanksgiving is the time to reflect on the many more things we can be thankful for. Here are all the things I can think of:

  • Despite how bad the economy has been, there has been no Doritos shortage with long lines for Doritos.
  • With all the TV channels we now have, we’re almost reaching the point where there is always something on worth watching (though I won’t watch it if it isn’t in widescreen HD).
  • So far, the Large Hadron Collider hasn’t destroyed the universe. We might even find the Higgs boson particle soon and prove whether matter exists or something.
  • Despite rumors to the contrary, there is no evidence that Obama is a space lizard in disguise trying to gain our trust so he can later eat us. And even if he is, he’s not doing so great anymore at gaining our trust.
  • Through the internet, we have at our fingertips countless information, nearly five percent of which is true.
  • Burritos continue to be cheap and plentiful.
  • Freedom of speech is still alive and well in this country as long as you’re not a college student.
  • Obama promises not to kill grandma, and I think he’s at least half sincere.
  • The Islamic Republic of Iran has gone thirty years without nuking anybody (here’s hoping they make it to thirty-one!).
  • All signs point to this generation’s children being the most adept ever at playing fake, plastic musical instruments.
  • Global warming has apparently been on break for like a decade (I guess it got shy after all the hype).
  • Almost 90% of people have employment.
  • Even after the recent liberal takeover, Democrats are far too scared to even bring up gun control nationally anymore.
  • The U.S. military continues to reduce the number of bad people in the world by significant quantities each year.
  • Soon poor people will get free room and board and free meals when they’re imprisoned for not buying health insurance.
  • Sparkly vampires aren’t real and therefore won’t be stealing our women.
  • Having completely squandered public support, the worst of the Democrats being in charge is already over.
  • The sun continues to be a cheap and free source of heating and light with no signs of stopping (thought it is the single greatest contributor to global warming).
  • Even in the worst of times, kitties and puppies are still fluffy.
  • The rest of the world finally likes our president, and that and five dollars gets you a cup of coffee.
  • Thanks to Twitter, we no longer have to speculate what inane thoughts are going through a given celebrity’s head at this very moment.
  • Whenever we’re feeling down, we can just listen to the last thing Joe Biden said to get a good laugh.
  • Glenn Beck is on the TV every day, allowing us all to keep an eye on him in case he tries to do anything crazy.
  • Though some things may have been better back in the day, we have one important thing our forefathers lacked: TiVo.
  • Hollywood continues to produce one or two good films a year.
  • Thanks to our efforts against militant Islam, we are still free to eat all the bacon we want.
  • Due to Sarah Palin’s aerial patrols, wolf attacks are down 30%.
  • Conservatives have one whole channel that isn’t left-leaning.
  • Even bankrupted under massive debt and with a ninny as president, America is still like a million times better than any other country.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Frank J. Fleming is the author of the books "How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome" and "Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything," writes columns for PJ Media and the New York Post, blogs at IMAO.us, and actually needs to decompensate for his extreme sexual security.
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