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Things I’m Thankful For

Due to Sarah Palin’s aerial patrols, wolf attacks are down 30%.

Frank J. Fleming


November 26, 2009 - 12:08 am
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  • Freedom of speech is still alive and well in this country as long as you’re not a college student.
  • Obama promises not to kill grandma, and I think he’s at least half sincere.
  • The Islamic Republic of Iran has gone thirty years without nuking anybody (here’s hoping they make it to thirty-one!).
  • All signs point to this generation’s children being the most adept ever at playing fake, plastic musical instruments.
  • Global warming has apparently been on break for like a decade (I guess it got shy after all the hype).
  • Almost 90% of people have employment.
  • Even after the recent liberal takeover, Democrats are far too scared to even bring up gun control nationally anymore.
  • The U.S. military continues to reduce the number of bad people in the world by significant quantities each year.
  • Soon poor people will get free room and board and free meals when they’re imprisoned for not buying health insurance.
  • Sparkly vampires aren’t real and therefore won’t be stealing our women.
  • Having completely squandered public support, the worst of the Democrats being in charge is already over.
  • The sun continues to be a cheap and free source of heating and light with no signs of stopping (thought it is the single greatest contributor to global warming).
  • Even in the worst of times, kitties and puppies are still fluffy.
  • The rest of the world finally likes our president, and that and five dollars gets you a cup of coffee.
  • Thanks to Twitter, we no longer have to speculate what inane thoughts are going through a given celebrity’s head at this very moment.
  • Whenever we’re feeling down, we can just listen to the last thing Joe Biden said to get a good laugh.
  • Glenn Beck is on the TV every day, allowing us all to keep an eye on him in case he tries to do anything crazy.
  • Though some things may have been better back in the day, we have one important thing our forefathers lacked: TiVo.
  • Hollywood continues to produce one or two good films a year.
  • Thanks to our efforts against militant Islam, we are still free to eat all the bacon we want.
  • Due to Sarah Palin’s aerial patrols, wolf attacks are down 30%.
  • Conservatives have one whole channel that isn’t left-leaning.
  • Even bankrupted under massive debt and with a ninny as president, America is still like a million times better than any other country.
  • Happy Thanksgiving!

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    Frank J. Fleming is the author of the novel Superego and the humor book Punch Your Inner Hippie, has penned numerous political humor columns, blogs at, and is a writer for the creative agency Emergent Order.
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