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Things I’m Thankful For

Due to Sarah Palin’s aerial patrols, wolf attacks are down 30%.

by
Frank J. Fleming

Bio

November 26, 2009 - 12:08 am
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Thanksgiving Day is my favorite of the holidays where you don’t either get presents or free candy. It’s sort of America’s own special religious holiday (don’t tell liberals!) where we give thanks to God for giving us such an awesome country and not letting us suck like Canada or Mexico.

It was started by pilgrims who were quite thankful to God despite their ridiculous hats with buckles on them. They were originally joined by the Native Americans, though they became less and less thankful for the visitors in the later years. Well, water under the bridge, right?

Secular people like Thanksgiving too, though they might call it Turkey Day, as it’s the day we all kill and eat a particularly stupid bird. Also, people can give thanks to things other than God; I hear Obama is going to take the day off and personally greet Americans so they can thank him.

But whether you’re religious or one of those waiting for eternal damnation, the point is there is a lot to give thanks for in America, and it’s great to have a day to reflect on that. I know you can all think of things to complain about — the economy is in shambles, the president obviously has no clue what he’s doing, the Democrats are trying to take away our rights and ruin health care, all our enemies are getting nuclear weapons, there’s too much Sarah Palin, the number one movie involves sparkly vampires, blah blah blah — but Thanksgiving is the time to reflect on the many more things we can be thankful for. Here are all the things I can think of:

  • Despite how bad the economy has been, there has been no Doritos shortage with long lines for Doritos.
  • With all the TV channels we now have, we’re almost reaching the point where there is always something on worth watching (though I won’t watch it if it isn’t in widescreen HD).
  • So far, the Large Hadron Collider hasn’t destroyed the universe. We might even find the Higgs boson particle soon and prove whether matter exists or something.
  • Despite rumors to the contrary, there is no evidence that Obama is a space lizard in disguise trying to gain our trust so he can later eat us. And even if he is, he’s not doing so great anymore at gaining our trust.
  • Through the internet, we have at our fingertips countless information, nearly five percent of which is true.
  • Burritos continue to be cheap and plentiful.
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