Things I’m Thankful For
Thanksgiving Day is my favorite of the holidays where you don’t either get presents or free candy. It’s sort of America’s own special religious holiday (don’t tell liberals!) where we give thanks to God for giving us such an awesome country and not letting us suck like Canada or Mexico.
It was started by pilgrims who were quite thankful to God despite their ridiculous hats with buckles on them. They were originally joined by the Native Americans, though they became less and less thankful for the visitors in the later years. Well, water under the bridge, right?
Secular people like Thanksgiving too, though they might call it Turkey Day, as it’s the day we all kill and eat a particularly stupid bird. Also, people can give thanks to things other than God; I hear Obama is going to take the day off and personally greet Americans so they can thank him.
But whether you’re religious or one of those waiting for eternal damnation, the point is there is a lot to give thanks for in America, and it’s great to have a day to reflect on that. I know you can all think of things to complain about — the economy is in shambles, the president obviously has no clue what he’s doing, the Democrats are trying to take away our rights and ruin health care, all our enemies are getting nuclear weapons, there’s too much Sarah Palin, the number one movie involves sparkly vampires, blah blah blah — but Thanksgiving is the time to reflect on the many more things we can be thankful for. Here are all the things I can think of:
- Despite how bad the economy has been, there has been no Doritos shortage with long lines for Doritos.
- With all the TV channels we now have, we’re almost reaching the point where there is always something on worth watching (though I won’t watch it if it isn’t in widescreen HD).
- So far, the Large Hadron Collider hasn’t destroyed the universe. We might even find the Higgs boson particle soon and prove whether matter exists or something.
- Despite rumors to the contrary, there is no evidence that Obama is a space lizard in disguise trying to gain our trust so he can later eat us. And even if he is, he’s not doing so great anymore at gaining our trust.
- Through the internet, we have at our fingertips countless information, nearly five percent of which is true.
- Burritos continue to be cheap and plentiful.
Perhaps, if you are ever suffering writer’s block, you could do an article detailing all of Biden’s gaffes. No need to embellish them at all. Heck, his gaffes deserve his own website keeping track of them.
Better, keep track of everyone in the Obama administration, and detail all their stupidity in one place. Really watch the approval rates decline, then!
Turkeys aren’t stupid.
I’m glad you let me know last time around that this is a humor column, because I would have simply chided you here for awful writing.
Moho, I’ve figured it out! You’re Charles Johnson!
Moho, since you can’t seem to pass up an opportunity to piss in everyone’s cornflakes, I won’t chide you for being a dick.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Turkeys are too stupid, are too, are too. By applying the inverted global warming correction factors to the yearly average of turkey IQs, it has been demonstrated in a peer reviewed fashion that they are actually getting stupider. (By the way, could someone explain to me what peer review really is? Does it have something to do with body funtions?)
Good list! I would add: “Thanks to email hackers, we no longer have to worry about the polar ice cap ending up in our living room!”
There’s always Joe Biden Said That?
3:
Someone had to let you know this was a humor column?
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
For me, this is a day when I think about my paternal grandparents, who immigrated here from Poland early in the twentieth century (my mother’s ancestors came earlier, and I never knew the ones who came here). The United States was the promised land for them, and they were grateful for it. I think of how much better my life is than theirs was, even after they came here. I can’t imagine how bad their lives must have been to make them leave their home country and travel thousands of miles to another. And I give thanks for how good my life is, and for the courage that my ancestors had.
Marc Malone:
Already done, although in a satiric style that is hard to penetrate – it’s called the New York Times.
Or the MSM.
I’m thankful Congress for going home.
Burtterball turkeys is stupid. Wild turkeys is smart. Not street smart, but hide-n-seek in the woods smart.
Don’t buy health insurance. Go to jail. Get three hots and a cot free, AND FREE HEALTH CARE. To buy or not to buy. That is the question.
About those one or two decent Hollywood movies. They would be which ones, exactly? Gone With The Wind was a long time ago.
Mmmm, bacon.
Re: secular vs religious Thanksgiving.
Aside from bowing with forehead to ground and saying a prayer of thanks to moho’s god Obama, just who (or what) are secularists thankful to?
i am thankful for moho whom i think is one funny guy. seriously i am thankful for the pilgrims who came to this land and moved all the furniture around, but not so much when i stub my big toe when i get up in the middle of the night.
And Frank, you’re wrong: reptilian is a perfect description of our Lizard-In-Chief.
Domestic turkeys are dumb
Wild turkeys are smart
It is commonly said that if wild turkeys had a sense of smell you could never bag one.
I grateful turkeys can’t smell
I worked on a turkey ranch as a teen. Domestic turkeys are so dumb, they drown in the rain. They stare up at it in wonder. “What’s that?” They then proceed to drown.
We used to pardon one every year. moho was one of them.
“So far, the Large Hadron Collider hasn’t destroyed the universe.”
You know what a Hadron is? It´s what happens when a Gril touches your… sorry, couldn´t help myself.
“peer review” would be the missing word there. When a girl…etc.
“So far, the Large Hadron Collider hasn’t destroyed the universe.”
You know what a Hadron is? It´s what happens when a Gril touches your… sorry, couldn´t help myself.
In regards to your wish for less Palin exposure in the news, bear in mind that it is her fans giving her the exposure. Without them, she would just be a poor version of Frank Flemming, a guy who has everything but fans and exposure.
programmer,
Definition of Peer Review.
Several (minimum three) nobles gather to examine something. (When three or more nobles, preferably Britist, sit down in a pub to look at the latest Shariah court ruling, go out to a windy field to listen to a bagpipe band, or have the servants count the number of grouse taken in the weekly hunt are all examples of Peer Review.)
I’m thankful for my beautiful wife, My children who I will live off of in my old age, This wonderful country, and the fact that Aerosmith will put out good music for years to come. Yep, that sums it up.
I’m thankful that thanks to Obama Moho will lose is job and will no longer be able to afford an Internet connection.
I’m also thankful for my tiny penis, which has taught me humility.
mmm mmm mmm Barack Husein Obama mmm mmm mmm tryin’ to make a chocolate nation…mmm mmmm mmmmm full full full o nutcakes mmm mmm mmm we killed all the indians mmm mmm mmm now we have a day to party because of them mmm mmm mmm chocolate nation mmm mmm mmmm
26..yeah, a lot of guys have to face the same humility….or buy big cars.
Thanksgiving was grand!!! Visited with many relatives and friends!! and
lotsa good food, pray that we could share with others that need it.
On a planet with such great abundance there should not be one person that does not have all the food they want.
“On a planet with such great abundance there should not be one person that does not have all the food they want.” An impossible dream, as long as Michael Moore is alive.
Willis
Those who keep Palin in the news are journalists trying to tell you how irrelevant she is.
6. Programmer: We’ve been looking at the term “peer review” (pr) all wrong. A definition of “peer” is “to peep out or appear slightly.” and a meaning of “review” is “to repeat and summarize all bids made by a [bridge] players“. From that we clearly see that “pr” is simply a brief glimpse at the summary of bids made during a game. So it’s all a game. That’s good to know. Chill out. We’ve been taking this way too seriously. Even if turkeys are, too, stupid. Even the wild ones will “gobble” back at you, giving themselves away.
#20 El Gordo – you are hilarious!!