The Thanksgiving Act of 2009: A New Way to Celebrate
The traditional Thanksgiving centerpiece of a cornucopia, flower arrangement, paper turkey, or candles is out. An Organizing for America-approved diorama featuring the first family seated around the table in the White House dining room is in.
In order to save electricity and save the planet, all cooking must be done between 11 p.m. the night before and 5 a.m. With this important issue in mind, using a flat-screen television larger than 58 inches to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and various football games is strictly prohibited. Finally, using a dishwasher is also forbidden due to energy and phosphate concerns, and all dishes will be done by hand (preferably in cold water).
Obesity is an epidemic that is sweeping America and portion control, even on festive days of celebration, will be strictly enforced. Therefore, two slices of turkey and half a cup of each side dish, with one-eighth cup of low-fat gravy lightly drizzled over all, is the new norm, and a nutrition information label will be required for every item. Also, only one slice of pie per person will be allowed — so choose your favorite carefully.
It’s scandalous that in this land of plenty, there are still people who won’t have Thanksgiving dinner. Food pantry offerings, civic groups “adopting” families, and soup kitchens are a nice idea, but the problem with them lies in the fact that they are run by private-sector individuals and charities. Consequently, every family in America will be assigned dinner guests who, because they are unfortunate in their inability to provide a substantial holiday meal for themselves or their families, will share yours. Please note that they will not be expected to help you cook, serve, or clean up, as that would be considered degrading to their situation. In addition, your menu must be pre-approved by the caseworker assigned to you to be sure that no food your “guests” might dislike or otherwise find offensive will be served. If your “guests” do not speak English, you will be required to provide an interpreter if you are one of those isolationist types who are too self-absorbed to learn another language. Finally, your “guests” will be entitled to take home all of the leftovers. They need them more than you do.
Welcome to our brave new world. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hi Pam,
Thank you for your article. It reminds of those that I too, used to write in high school. Your making great progress. Thanks for writing it. Happy Holidays. Man, it would be great to be a kid once again….
Good Luck !
Well, the limited portions would be a good idea for all. But freedom means that you can get fat on my health care nickel.
What is more relevant to me is how people used to value food because it was hard to get. The pilgrims really did know was what near-starvation was all about, whereas I/we do not have a clue. I grow a lot of my own food and hunt for some of the rest, but I still have NO conception of what not having enough food must have felt like.
Bashing Obama here is hardly in the spirit of the holiday, but what the hell; we need our entertainment too! Football can only do so much for us, eh?
Before submitting my comment I deleted a few remarks that might be received as cruel, but Meister’s terrible piece should never have been set before the public.
I’m thankful that we didn’t have a terrorist attack during Bush’s administration.
“We must now give thanks to Government (with a capital G) for all of the good things that the wise, all-knowing educated people who run the Government provide to all Americans through its beneficent generosity funded by taxpayer dollars.”
Well, the aforementioned great-aunt Edna and millions like her will be giving thanks that the gov’t directed those taxpayer dollars into Medicare and Social Security.
‘Food pantry offerings, civic groups “adopting” families, and soup kitchens are a nice idea, but the problem with them lies in the fact that they are run by private-sector individuals and charities.’
I spoke too soon! Who needs Medicare and Social Security? I’m sure that if the Dems hadn’t pushed those benefits through Congress, “private-sector individuals and charities” would’ve done the job.
#4, It wasn’t a matter of luck, either.
President Bush made his foremost policy goal stopping attacks on American soil. A large part of that plan was sending US troops someplace (Iraq) where they could fight it out with those Muslims that wanted to fight. Without involving Americans that didn’t want to fight.
The Usurper has a different objective, which is why there has been 12 terrorist attacks against America ON AMERICAN SOIL this year. So far most of them have been foiled.
The thing that the Usurper and his fellow felons don’t seem to get is that the terrs just have to get lucky ONCE. Major Nutjob got lucky. How many more Major Nutjobs are out there now? Which one has the nuke?
4. Now and Then: “I’m thankful that we didn’t have a terrorist attack during Bush’s administration.”
6. John “birther” Samford: “#4, It wasn’t a matter of luck, either.”
Uh, Johnny, you kinda missed the irony. Y’see, there WAS a terrorist attack during Bush’s administration. It’s referred to as 9/11. You’ve probably heard about it. Bush got this memo in August ’01 that told him that bin Laden was about to strike, but the prez was too busy with tax cuts, so he dismissed the CIA guy who delivered the memo with, “OK, you’ve covered your ass.”
6 da birther and 7 anon:
And the snare snaps shut again!
Thanks for paying attention, anon . . . It was, of course, Dana Perino’s quote from Tuesday’s Hannity Show . . . “We Did Not Have A Terrorist Attack On Our Country During President Bush’s Term” (which went unchallenged/uncorrected by Hannity and his toadie of the moment, Stuart Varney. Fox News – fair and balanced)
This is the same woman who, while press secretary for W, had to ask her British husband if the Bay of Pigs and the Cuban Missile Crisis were the same thing.
But hey, what does knowledge matter when you’re that frickin cute? Ubetcha.
Now, you say there have been 12 (foiled) attacks. Well, if they’re foiled, are they attacks? And if they are, then we had a lot more when Bush was president, according to the administration who continually trumpeted thwarted attacks.
So, think about it and get back to us as to which way you want to have it. (Sorry, “both” is not an option.)
That’s priceless! Might I add the required “prayer of Thanks” should also include Allah?
I think that this piece of satire has over extended itself causing the reverse effect. As Dwight mentioned, “Bashing Obama here is hardly in the spirit of the holiday.” There is enough substantive issues we face with Obama that there is little need to create imagined ones.
As a DoD employee I am thankful that the Commander in Chief gave me half a day off of work today for all of my hard work!
Let’s just be thankful this Thanksgiving that we are still in the land of the free and the home of the brave…
BTW: My new Sarah Palin book came in the mail today!!! I’m thankful for that too!
Now matter how much they lie, the truth will prevail.
“Whereas it is the duty of all Nations to acknowledge the providence of
Almighty God, to obey his will, to be grateful for his benefits, and
humbly to implore his protection and favor, and whereas both Houses of
Congress have by their joint Committee requested me “to recommend to the
People of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be
observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many signal favors of
Almighty God especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to
establish a form of government for their safety and happiness.
Now therefore I do recommend and assign Thursday the 26th day of November
next to be devoted by the People of these States to the service of that
great and glorious Being, who is the beneficent Author of all the good
that was, that is, or that will be. That we may then all unite in
rendering unto him our sincere and humble thanks, for his kind care and
protection of the People of this Country previous to their becoming a
Nation, for the signal and manifold mercies, and the favorable
interpositions of his providence, which we experienced in the course and
conclusion of the late war, for the great degree of tranquility, union,
and plenty, which we have since enjoyed, for the peaceable and rational
manner, in which we have been enabled to establish constitutions of
government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national One
now lately instituted, for the civil and religious liberty with which we
are blessed; and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful
knowledge; and in general for all the great and various favors which he
hath been pleased to confer upon us.
And also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and
supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech him to
pardon our national and other transgressions, to enable us all, whether in
public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties
properly and punctually, to render our national government a blessing to
all the people, by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and
constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed, to
protect and guide all Sovereigns and Nations (especially such as have
shown kindness unto us) and to bless them with good government, peace, and
concord. To promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and
virtue, and the encrease of science among them and Us, and generally to
grant unto all Mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as he alone
knows to be best.”
Given under my hand at the City of New York the third day of October in
the year of our Lord 1789.
Mmmmmm, suet for Thanksgiving!
And next up are the Twelve Czars of Christmas:
1. Czar of Bailouts
2. Czar of Takeovers
3. Czar of Tax Increases
4. Czar of Stimulus plans
5. Czar of Death Panels
6. Czar of Cap and Trade
7. Czar of amnesty for Illegal Hispanics
8. Czar of Wealth Redistribution
9. Czar of Military retreat from Afganistan
10. Czar of freeing Guantanamo Terrorists
11. Czar of shutting down Fox News Cable, all conservative Internet Blogs, Talk Radio stations and putting Sarah Palin into jail.
12. Czar of removing Blue Dog Democrats from Congress
And from Obama’s workshop a Yuletide message of, “Ho, Ho, Ho you people ain’t seen nothing yet,
G*d Damn America, all white cops are stupid, spread the wealth, radical Islamic Muslims are our friends and we won; get used to it!”
Isn’t he sooooooooo wonderful?
Back to you Brad…
I am thankful that ACORN and global warming have been exposed as frauds.
RE: anonymous:
“4. Now and Then: “I’m thankful that we didn’t have a terrorist attack during Bush’s administration.”
6. John “birther” Samford: “#4, It wasn’t a matter of luck, either.”
Uh, Johnny, you kinda missed the irony. Y’see, there WAS a terrorist attack during Bush’s administration. It’s referred to as 9/11. You’ve probably heard about it. Bush got this memo in August ‘01 that told him that bin Laden was about to strike, but the prez was too busy with tax cuts, so he dismissed the CIA guy who delivered the memo with, “OK, you’ve covered your ass.”
Stupid F’n liberal! You, sir, are a moron. 9-11 happened a couple-hundred DAYS into Bush’s FIRST term. The JIHAD PILOTS were training ALL THROUGH Clinton’s 2 terms – while he was busy getting BJ’s in the Oral office and committing perjury, witness tampering, and several other felonies-and being impeached. So, ’twas a demoRat that slept (around) whist the terrorists plotted destruction. WHY CAN’T LIBERALS EVER, EVER GET INFORMATION RIGHT – OH YEAH, NO BRAIN! The entire Congress got the SAME INFO BUSH DID AND ALSO DID ZIP. Numb Nuts!
You guys are sooooo stupid it’s just beyond words-usually why I pass on the comments. Idiots all over the place. But I could NOT let this go. If 9-11 would have happened on election day 2000 Bush would have been blamed. Obama (synonym for jackass) still blames him and I got news: WE ARE COMING FOR THE WHITE HOUSE KEYS. START PACKING!!!
Angelina Jolie hatin’ on da Bamster??? It really must be Thanksgivin’!
What am I thankful for? I’m thankful to have a roof over my head, my health [amen], a wonderful, loving daughter who has a heart of gold, nourishing food in my belly, a precious feline who loves me unconditionally (and is sitting in my lap as I type this) and last but not least, I am thankful that people are finally starting to realize we have a jive turkey in the white house.
GOBBLE! GOBBLE!
Feliz Día de Acción de Gracias!
Poor Citizen, YOU still write like you are in ELEMENTARY school. Learn the difference between your and you’re, before you criticize another’s writing skills!
Nice sarcasm, it reminds me of the Reality in one of my favorite old movies: Dr.Zivago when he comes home from the war and finds out 14 perminent ‘house guests’ are now living in his home thanks to ‘hope and change’ Russian Style.
Happy Thanksgiving…Keep your powder dry.
Now and Then #8, for the record there were have been 2 terrorist attacks on the U.S.of A since Hope and Change came into office, there was the Fort Hood terrorist attack and the other anti-america terrorist attack, that is on-going, from the present administration. The idiot from Fort Hood and the idiot that is the head of the administration are just doing it in there own anti-america ways.
Personally I am thankful this Thanksgiving that there is a God in heaven and that He can rain destruction and death on those who don’t acknowledge him, if he so chooses. If God listens to the prayers of the faithful, then our nation will only have to endure the Democrats majority’s reign over the nation for a short time. In any case it is HIS will that will be done. And God always has the last word.
22. KJohns2001
So the US IS a Christian nation? Someone should inform the current regime of this very dangerous trend.