The Perfect Mother’s Day Gift in Tough Economic Times
Tips for making Mother’s Day special for single moms:
- Take her kids gift shopping for the occasion (have her slide you the money up front)
- Offer to babysit her kids
- Call her to wish her well
- Invite her and her children to your family’s Mother’s Day gathering
These tips come from Seattle’s Eastside Parenting Examiners.
I have one to add: Give your single mom friend a JOB!
I’m a single mother caught up in the current recession throes and it’s downright scary.
Getting me through the crisis are faith, hope, a daily routine, networking, and my friends. Chat room discussions, IM and email messages expressing fear, job scarcity, and struggle are wonderful — not in a Schadenfreude way; I’m grateful to be in good company.
I am working hard to find work, which makes having to go up against colleagues’ outdated ideas about child-rearing incredibly frustrating. And most of these problematic colleagues are women.
I have approached an old colleague with “ins” to my industry on several occasions, putting out feelers regarding upcoming projects. Each time, she asks: “But what about your son? Do you have anyone to take care of him? I mean he is young.”
Yikes! That’s right! I have a kid at home. How could I have forgotten? Forget work but thank you for reminding me! Now when did I feed him last?
Ever consider that the prospective employers have to consider what you can do for them, not act as charities? Like it or not, they have every right to ask about your (or anyone else’s) home arrangements, because they could be a problem.
And one of the offensive things in your article (with which you share with Albright) is that you assume that “woman” is synonymous with “mother”. You need to grow up and stop assuming that because you chose to be a single mother, people owe you anything. If your friends don’t want to, say, babysit your child, that is their right.
Thanks for the laugh!
I’ve found that female employers/interviewers can often be more difficult to convince than male employers/interviewers when it comes to the subject of children. I think men don’t want to be perceived as being chauvinist, so they don’t bring up the issue at all. Obviously, this isn’t the case for women (at least some of them), who don’t seem that have any qualms about voicing their opinion on the issue. The only people who have ever questioned me about how I’d manage to work the hours required while having a young son or whether or not I planned to get pregnant (always prefaced with, “I don’t like to ask, but…”, inevitably accompanied by a nervous laugh) have been women. It’s incredibly frustrating!
I was a single Mom (as a result of my choices! Duh…..) for several years.
It always annoyed me that some folks saw me as a special project and wanted me to join singles group at church, etc. because I was, apparently, “really needy” just because I was divorced with two teenaged sons. Yuk.
One day another single person was whining to me about all the special problems “we had”, like needing help with vacuum cleaner repair and car repair. I finally had had it, and said, “For cryin’ out loud, don’t you think there any married women who have trouble getting vacuum cleaners to run right and may have trouble getting cars repaired, either because of tight money or men who don’t notice the car is sick!!?”
Come on, Stephanie. Grow up already.
These are life issues, not marriage status issues.
By the way, here’s the rest of the story: after 2-3 years divorced, I actually figured out that most of what I saw as marriage problems were also just life problems.
Once I addressed them as life problems and not marriage problems, it became possible for hubby and I to remarry (after 6 1/2 years divorced).
This past January, we celebrated the 25th anniversary of that second wedding.
Uh – don’t these kids have a DAD somewhere? I know more men (good upstanding guys not the wife beaters) whose wives walked out on them than I know men who have walked out on their wives. My Mom walked out on my Dad & left him with me & my sister; my wife and I had 3 kids under 5 years and she walked out the door. She got tons of sympathy & I got the evil eye. The effort she put into the divorce was twice what would have been required for marital counseling which I wanted. I made it a point to stay very involved in my kids’ lives on a weekly basis and am thankful that 17 years down the road they turned out OK.
Single mom who was never married? They’ve known for thousands of years where babies come from, let’s have a little personal responsibility out there (guys included). Study after study the last 15 years shows the best possible environment for a child is a mom and a dad living together married. Want help with little Johnny- GET MARRIED! If it was purposeful pregnancy : Children are people not puppies.
Bring it on haters you know I’m right. And yes I am an angry white male angry- over how parental selfishness is dooming many kids to insecurity & substance abuse problems.
I’m trying to figure out why I should be responsible for your poor choices. Get up on your hind legs and stop whining.
It’s actually a violation of federal law for a prospective employer to ask about your parenthood status, child care arrangements, or plans for future pregnancy. If they do ask, you can refuse to answer, but I don’t think that will help you get the job.
I wish the author luck, but please, grow up. I’m a single father with most of the responsibility for raising three kids, and I’m thankful that I can do it. I could name a dozen or so divorced fathers I know who would be ecstatic to have more than the standard four days a month allocated to non-custodial parents, or the near zero time that some have. So next time you feel so put upon, look at your kids and imagine what it would be like if *you* were the one who was rarely allowed to even see them.
Meryl, congratulations. I’m envious. I guess there is hope for some families.
As a long time (15 years) single parent (and now an empty nester), all I can say simply echoes some earlier posters; Stephanie needs to grow up. You made your choices, and nobody (except perhaps an ex-husband) owes you, or SP’s in general, anything.
Practical advice? Set your career sights lower – or at least in a different direction – especially if your child is young. Aside from the fact that there is already a huge surplus of media people already, any employer must think of the sustainability of his/her own company, not your social needs. He (or she) has probably already been through that mill with other SP employees, and they should feel justified in considering what could happen when your commitment to their company and your commitment to your child collide, as they inevitably will.
What I find interesting in these comments is how many of you assume that the single parent status was a choice. Nothing in the article states how I came to be a single mother. Death? Accident? Father who Jumped Ship? And yet there is the assumption that I should “grow up” because I feel that a potential employer asking about my childcare options is an imposition.
Set career sights lower? Wow. Did anyone say that to Albright? Or to Madonna? I’m amazed at some of these responses. And Dave the Single Dad: Noone talked about feeling put upon. You missed the point.
Stephanie – it doesn’t matter how it came about. It wasn’t my choice, but the child is my responsibility, not my employer’s.
Re career sights – just demonstrate to your prospective employer you have the capabilities of Albright, Madonna, or even Joe Biden, and you’ll probably get a job. But statistically SP’s are a much bigger risk to employers than those in stable relationships. Particularly when they consider reasonable disclosure an imposition.
Stephanie – you did not state if you were a widow or your husband ran off and left you. For those of us to whom it does makes a difference, it is because our humanity dictates that widows & orphans (I’ll put those whose husbands have bailed in this category) or those who are the victims of sexual assault ought to receive our compassion in their struggles. Overwelmingly in this day and culture we are talking about a smaller percentage than those who choose to have a child out of wedlock and wish nothing to do with the child’s father or choose to divorce. Statistics show more and more WOMEN with children are choosing to divorce, more and more single women are wanting a child without a husband. I have little compassion for those women but I have plenty for their children who must suffer (and trust me they do).
I enjoyed reading this article, and I love the Albright quote! Before I was even married, I was asked during a job interview what my plans were for marriage and family. I was told flat-out that I wouldn’t be hired for the job if I had plans to get married, because the very conservative Board of Directors of the organization believed a woman’s place was in the home. Pleeeease!
Every time an article dealing with a “women’s issue” comes up on this site, there are numerous men who post, railing bitterly against feminism, the women who walked out on them, the courts who have denied them their rights, and just women in general. I’m sorry for their bad luck, but such conversations are irrelevant to the discussion at hand.
The author is talking about wanting a job, but not finding one. About woman-againt-woman prejudice. About if we really care about women and children, then we will encourage job growth instead of welfare.
Quite frankly, I’d rather work for a male boss and with male colleagues. I’m sick to death of other women. I don’t know whatever happened to “sisterhood.”
Mike L, thanks for being unafraid to state the TRUTH!
Sisterhood has turned into Selfishhood.
Stephanie, I read your article once which appears to say you are tired of people pitying you for being a single mom and having to take care of a little baby. You just want a full time job like everybody else, and you have backups to backups to take care of the baby. I don’t think you are whining or wanting special treatments because of the baby.
Yet, from some of your commenters: Ever consider that the prospective employers have to consider what you can do for them, not act as charities? Come on, Stephanie. Grow up already. Get up on your hind legs and stop whining. I wish the author luck, but please, grow up….
Am I missing something?
HardHeadedWoman, Dave, and others,
Stephanie is not whining. She has simply suggested that people consider Single Mothers on Mothers Day.
The shrill, mean-minded, catty responses here are embarrassing. And Mike L – if you are going to throw girly-boy hissy fits then put a skirt on first.
Stephanie:
Face it: you’re a tramp. You had kids in a pathetic effort to make the government take care of you. You’re looking for a handout. You want the government to take my money and give it to you.
Those are statements I’ve read on this site. I don’t agree with them, but many of the PJMedia readers feel that way.
I can sympathize with your loss; however, you should know that many of the PJMedia readers think you’re a leech who is ruining America. I’m surprised you have the guts to write an article to such a judgmental, unsympathetic audience.
Well there’s two sides of a coin. On one side you could argue that this epidemic of divorce and having children outside of marriage is the real cause of this problem rather than discrimination against single parents. And then there’s the reality that not everyone who sleeps with someone wants to spend the rest of their life with that person. I don’t know what the solution is. But clearly we have a problem with morality in our society. Kids these days grow up thinking they’re a loser if they don’t have as many one night stands with as many girls as possible and then not taking responsibility for the children that are born as a result means you’re a “playuh”. So… that definitely needs to change, somehow… As conservatives there’s nothing we can really do about it. The liberals have vbeen spoon feeding our kids this garbage for decades. Their solution is to create massive nationwide government programs to take care of all these fatherless and motherless kids that are a direct result of their loose liberal values. I don’t think most people think that’s really a good solution however…
Now that everybody has bounced off their chosen wall (including myself)….maybe the underlying issue is that we are just tired, tired, tired of individuals (of any stripe) making their life situations (of any stripe) someone else’s problem to solve.
We are tired of leeches. (Someone 75) That does not make every one of us unsympathetic and judgmental. Maybe it just makes us tired of leeches.
Since Stephanie chose not to frame her dilemma with personal information, she left herself open for the responses. The reason I chose to include some personal info, frankly, was to innoculate my response against the kneejerk response of “well, how do you know? You haven’t been there.”
Oh, well.
I still say any of the dilemmas described by Stephanie are common to the working world (man or woman) and always have been. I don’t admire or respect anyone who feels compelled to give themselves group victim identity which then is supposed to qualify them for everyone’s sympathy and suspension of judgment.
Maybe you can just get in on one of obama’s rallies, stand up and tell your story and he will have someone in the audience prepared to bail you out.
BTW, anytime I see someone throwing around words like “catty” and “sisterhood”, that tells me more about them than it does the people they’re throwing the words at. “Catty” has always been a word used by women against other women to keep the second group of women from saying what they’re thinking. Sorry. It’s never worked with me.
Wow. A bit of a rabid crowd, no?
The assumption that a single mother will be automatically less able to have adequate child-care coverage is offensive and discriminatory.
The simple truth is that there are hosts of reasons/contributing factors which can serve as distractions from one’s professional life, not just one’s status as a parent and/or spouse. External dependencies can take many forms: elderly/ailing parents; ailing spouse/sibling; etc.
This woman is not asking to keep a job that she has been unable to perform: rather, she is asking that personal status not be the exclusive factor in determining a working mother’s qualifications.
Further, citing data garnered in actual research Stephanie has pointed out that roughly a quarter of children in the US are being raised in single-parent households. This is a fait de compli. Complaining that it isn’t fair/moral/right won’t change the facts. Giving employment to the qualified and motivated people in this demographic, however, will help ensure that far fewer people will be forced to turn to social services and government aid to get by.
Stephanie, happy Mother’s Day! I applaud you for your desire to support your children by working. If I had a job to give you, I’d give you one, because you show initiative.
That being said, I’ve known many single mothers who became that way through loose morals rather than through disaster, and by and large they have NOT taken your route to independence. Instead, they have asserted their dependence on others, which is typically what got them into their situation in the first place. For every single mom like you who seeks to make the best of what she already has, there are two more who feel they’re entitled to some kind of support, government or otherwise. Hence the prejudices of many of these commenters. Sad to say, these prejudices are based in fact.
I would hope that your future employers would consider your skills and initiative, but I can also see why they might use single motherhood status as a proxy for lack of initiative. Sad to say, it’s a safer bet than using a college degree as a proxy for problem solving ability.
Wow – you hit the nail on the head – great article! I also was honest at my job interviews and was grilled about what support systems I had in place. I was very honest and I landed the job of my life! People are always thinking about what is best for them and I understand the motivation of the employer. It is illegal to ask certain questions, but they ask anyway. Women will always be in this position as long as we try to “have it all” … and we can… I really believe that! It takes a lot of jugglin, but it will happen. Good luck and Gd Bless you! May you find the dream job you deserve!
Were we all reading the same article??? Being qualified to do a job and the circumstances as to how the author became a single parent are two totally different things. So if she’s widowed as opposed to purposefully becoming a single mother, she’s more deserving to get a job?? I know plenty of working married mothers who have just as many issues with childcare because their husbands are working as well. Are they also grilled about their childcare provisions? Rather than tearing Stephanie down because of her circumstances, look at the issue at hand – she is not being considered for certain jobs because of a perceived bias. Motherhood and career will always collide, if you are a working mother, single or married. Get off your high horse people.
Stephanie…as a divorced mom I sympathize with you. My Mother’s Day consisted of a beautiful little girl waking me up at 7:30am with a wonderful card she had made for me. She told me Happy Mother’s Day and that she loved me…then she asked for pancakes! LOL I wouldn’t trade that for the world. We had pancakes, then I mowed and edged my lawn.
I have two older sons who no longer live with me and I spent a good bit of the day missing them like crazy. (not because I had to do my own lawn work!)
Work can be a challenge. When my daughter is sick, I leave. I used to feel guilty but then I realized one day when my son’s moved away that in the end when I die my co-workers wont miss me like my daughter will. I recently received an award at work, listed in my accomplishments is the fact that I take my leave to go read to my daughters pre-k class on a regular basis. Put your child first and the rest falls into place.
In other words, you want a job because you have a greater NEED? Quite honestly, if you are as good and as connected as you say you are, you should by now already HAVE a network of people who know you are dependable and do not ask you any questions. If you don’t, you don’t. Not sure why or how. Either the industry is saturated by more desirable applicants – or there is something that raises a red flag for your friends (perhaps not just that you’re a single mom?). In either case, find a new career or new friends – but get over yourself. There are a lot of people without jobs.
“she is asking that personal status not be the exclusive factor in determining a working mother’s qualifications”
Oh please, personal status over qualifications is used every day in determining who gets a job and who doesnt – thin over fat, ethnic over white, liberal over conservative. Doesn’t make it right but SPs are not the only ones losing out unfairly.
That said, good luck in the job hunt. Might want to consider looking into a career change into an industry that’s actually hiring.
“there’s a special place in hell for women who treat other women badly for the path they have chosen to follow.”
So by Liberal Miz Albright’s applause-worthy statement, it’s good to know where her and her ilk will end up after the way they continue to trash Carrie Prejean’s and Sarah Palin’s own beliefs and life choices.
good continuation